Me and my vanilla ex

My last vanilla ex was my longest term relationship. I talk about him quite a bit on twitter.

He is a wonderful man: attractive, smart, attentive, sweet. He is my closest friend.

Relationship-wise, he puts most self identified submissive men to shame with his behaviour. We had known each other via a common circle of friends for some time before we dated. On our second date, he brought me a gift of towels because I had been to his place and had commented on his amazingly soft and gorgeous bath towels. I never thought a thing of the comment I made: An observation in passing, idle chat. And yet there he was with this gift.

His habit of listening, paying attention, and acting on what he saw and heard because he thought it would make me happy was a fundamental cornerstone of our relationship. I would find books that I mentioned under my pillow a week after we talked about it, he would ask my mother for my favourite recipes so that he could make them for me, he would pay attention and deliver on things that he knew would make me happy. It was the stuff of romance, the actions of a man in love, and I was lucky to be on the receiving end of it. Even now, he brings me home made treats that he knows I will like, rings me up to tell me there is a television show on that I would enjoy, invites me over to eat amazing cooking experiments that he is trying out.

Today we went for lunch, and we breached a barrier that we never have: He told me he’d been on a date.

This might seem like a small thing, but it wasn’t. Since we split up, we haven’t talked at all about our personal lives, our relationships. It seemed like a thing that was off limits. For me it was because I ended it with him, and talk of seeing other men seemed a step too far into the hurt that I’d caused. For him, I suspect there was a hope that we might reconcile for some time, so if he dated, he didn’t want to mention it and destroy that possibility.

Today when he blurted it out over lunch, a little awkward and shy, along with a tentative happiness for him, I felt a kind of relief. It’s not about her or how it will go with them, it’s about the simple fact that he shared it with me at all. It feels like a step that we should have taken a long time ago, but didn’t, or couldn’t, or something. Having said that, I am a selfish person, so I also felt a pre-emptive sense of loss over the attention that I have enjoyed from him for so long.

So today we stepped over a line that we should have stepped over a long time ago. Then we had more wine. We wandered some shops. We sat on a balcony overlooking the street and people-watched. He cajoled me into trying on some brightly patterned skinny jeans that he tried to convince me to buy. We bought some frozen Japanese food from an Asian shop. He nodded approvingly over a new dress that I bought.

I am lucky to have him in my life.

And so, life goes on.

___

Edited to add: Today, a day after I wrote the above, he arrived on my doorstep to deliver the brightly patterned skinny jeans that I tried on and didn’t buy. He drove back down to the shop and back (45 minutes each way) to get them, and then offered them up as a gift. Just because he thought they were awesome on me, and I should have them. Seriously: Some woman should snap him up.

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15 Comments

  1. You must have just posted this while I was viewing your site. That’s so great to have reached that milestone with your ex. You have a new fan here! I love your style. There is not a lot of sensual Dommes out there that I have found. I feel like I found a sister. I really enjoyed your submissive men video. Really. Thank you for being you <3 Ashley S.

  2. Reminds me of my ex. When you’re in a relationship for a long time, that connection can turn into such a beautiful friendship. It took us years to discuss outside relationships, though.
    Sounds amazing.

    1. *nods wildly* And yes, it’s been years.

      He HAS mentioned women hitting on him when he’s been out before, but that’s ‘passive recipient of attention, nothing to do with me’ level, versus ‘I actively sought out the company of a woman I liked’ level.

      He SO deserves to be happy (and I am working really hard to ignore the selfish little voice that goes ‘yeah, but how will that impact ME?!’ *laugh*).

      Ferns

  3. I love stories like this, and I think it’s a wonderful thing, that a relationship that didn’t work out could evolve into a close friendship. I also like that you were able to “step over that line” and take that next step in the relationship.

    Having known my ex for 23 years, (we were friends and business partners before we started dating) I have tried my best to maintain as good a relationship with her as I can, and even though what we have now is more like an extended truce than an actual friendship, I’m happy that at least we still can get along with each other after the marriage failed.

    1. “I also like that you were able to “step over that line” and take that next step in the relationship.”

      It was a very tentative step. We will see how it goes from here. I did NOT mention my kissing date in a ‘reciprocal sharing’ kind of way… :P

      “I’m happy that at least we still can get along with each other after the marriage failed.”

      No small feat, especially when the ending was really difficult.

      Ferns

  4. “Today, a day after I wrote the above, he arrived on my doorstep to deliver the brightly patterned skinny jeans that I tried on and didn’t buy. He drove back down to the shop and back (45 minutes each way) to get them, and then offered them up as a gift. Just because he thought they were awesome on me, and I should have them. Seriously: Some woman should snap him up. ”

    I want… nay DEMAND (caps cos it’s a SRZ BUIZNIZ) pics of said jeans! They sound spiffy
    Coug

  5. The way you describe your ex he seems to be near to perfect. And also there still seems to be a lot of empathy between the two of you. So why have you split up at all I wonder. Well maybe this is a question too personal.

    1. *smile* It’s a perfectly valid question, and it is too personal to answer here.

      Suffice it to say: I choose amazing, wonderful men as partners, they don’t suddenly lose those qualities because we couldn’t make our relationship work. They are still amazing, wonderful men: just not the right partner for me.

      Ferns

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