On being difficult

In my personal ad, I describe myself as “difficult’ (among other things). This is not a cute way of pretending I am some badass bitch. I’m not.

But boy, am I particular.

And in the context of getting to know someone, there seems to be a very narrow set of things that ‘work’ for me.

There are some things that hit me just right, that make me laugh out loud, that make me do a double take, that intrigue me, that fire me up, that inspire me, that attract my interest. I don’t really know how to explain what those things are, but when someone throws them at me, I’m beside myself with delight. And usually it’s some small exchange where he shows me a little slice of potential. And in that, I don’t mean ‘submissive potential’ (though sometimes it is exactly that), I mean ‘oh yes please’ potential.

It might be an exchange where he is confident, cocky even (in an ‘I know you want me, here it is!’ kind of way).

It might be a genuine curiosity that makes the conversation spiky and interesting.

Or it may be something obscure and hilarious that makes me laugh.

Maybe he shows that he has ‘seen’ me, for real, that he has looked hard, and *seen* me.

Or perhaps a sudden shyness, a hint of vulnerability in the midst of everything being normal.

Or sometimes it is the crystal clarity of realising that he ‘gets me’.

It can be one of many many things that click for me. And if he can bring me just one of those in every exchange, I am hooked.

When I say I am ‘difficult’, in this context I mean that those buttons, those triggers are hard to find, and they are ALWAYS found by accident: A throwaway line, then another, and another, and I will react to them pretty transparently, and if he’s right for me, if he’s in tune with me, he will see that, and that will fire him up, and he will instinctively grab it, and he will feed me more of it. And we create something in that exchange.

It’s so very rare that that happens. Mostly with good and fine men, we have very nice conversations that are very pleasant and there is nowhere for it to go because there isn’t anything there to grab on to. And it’s not their fault, or mine, it’s just that… I am difficult.

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16 Comments

  1. If you are “difficult”, you’re in good company. All the great ones are it seems to me. Its the climb that makes the summit worth it after all.

    But here is my question. The lucky boy that catches your eye is one that takes the initiative and sparks your interest in some way. Fair enough. But you recently wrote a wonderful note about how men can’t follow, how they won’t let you lead when you want to. That one really got me thinking.

    Is there any kind of dichotomy there? Can a submissive man can be cheeky or cocky and follow the lead of a wonderful dominant woman at the same time? Are the men that push those triggers, whatever they are, able to follow your lead just as well? Or are you looking for the unicorn? I don’t think so, but I am curious what you think.

    1. That is a great question (you are full of them, it seems *smile*).

      I was going to talk about ‘the dance‘ in my post (I’ve mentioned it before many times), but I left it out because… reasons. But THAT’S what this is about.

      It’s a complex back and forth that is nuanced and subtle and requires a good reading of the cues, and nobody really understands it. But a big part of that is being in synch enough to be able to judge where the other person is, and then step in or back or sideways according to how you see it unfolding. THAT’S what’s required to make it work.

      For example, I adore a bit of cocky confidence, but if he throws it at me at the wrong time, without context, if he hasn’t really engaged me yet, I’ll be all ‘What? Yeah, you wish buddy!’. Because he’s misread me and the situation, and then it doesn’t work.

      My most recent bit of cocky confidence came from a flirty man to whom I had said forthrightly and jokingly “I like you, you are hellishly pretty and engaging, but we aren’t a match, so please stop it.” He could have reacted to that in any number of ways. I got some smirky response of the, “Aw yeah, this thing is sooo happening…” variety back. It made me laugh. I loved it.

      So I guess in direct response to your question, he waited for me to ‘take the lead’ in expressing some blunt interest and sideways stepping and then he responded to my cue, stepped forward into it with a bit of a swagger, and gave as good as he got.

      I keep thinking also of this exchange with the adorable 23yo responding with a cocky “I just knew.” when I asked ‘how did you even know I was eyeing you up’, and then softening the cockiness with the beaming thank you. Perfection. I loved it. Again, it made me laugh, but it’s this flirty playful confidence that shows that he’s willing and able to dance with me, that he ‘gets me’.

      And I’d add that the same goes the other way, of course. We BOTH have to be reading each other to be able to synch it up so that it works. It’s no small thing, *especially* when what actually works is as narrow as it seems to be for me.

      TL;DR: Yes, I’m looking for a unicorn *smile*.

      Ferns

  2. I’m not sure if you need to call that being difficult, but rather challenging? Seems like you’re looking for someone who is ready to lean into it, who takes the time to understand you and your interests, and who can engage? Lazy doesn’t cut it. You’re kind of like a great 400-level graduate course… :)

    That’s not to say you’re not difficult in other ways. (Hehehehehe I’m soooo funny.)

    1. “I’m not sure if you need to call that being difficult, but rather challenging?”

      I’m not sure if you are trying to make it seem like I’m less of an arsehole or what? *laugh*. I do appreciate that.

      The truth is that I *feel* difficult and I don’t think I need to soften that to make me somehow seem ‘easier’. And it’s not really in a form that makes it a challenge that someone can take on and overcome. The ‘difficult’ part is in the apparently very narrow and nebulous set of ‘things that work for me’.

      “Seems like you’re looking for someone who is ready to lean into it, who takes the time to understand you and your interests, and who can engage? Lazy doesn’t cut it.”

      *smile* All true, but the lazy ones don’t make the first cut. When it doesn’t fire with perfectly lovely men it’s not due to them being lazy. It’s just… *shrug*… it doesn’t.

      “You’re kind of like a great 400-level graduate course… :)”

      I should put THAT in my profile!

      “That’s not to say you’re not difficult in other ways. (Hehehehehe I’m soooo funny.)”

      *laugh* Now you know that’s just not true… :P

      Ferns

  3. Hmmm…

    Difficult seems like the wrong word. Or ity needs qualification, perhaps. One way to think about it may be that you have a strong intutitve sense of what will work for you?

    Although I am very deductive and logical, I am strongly intuitive too. I find that many times, I know this is right, or it feels like the right answer, or it just doesn’t seem I am ready to make a decision yet.

    I have learned over the years that most of the time, it is my intuition (which I define as background analysis that I cannot consciously articulate) at work. And it is almost always right.

    And, even though I cannot articulate it at the moment, given some time, my mind will be able to articulate why that was the right decision after all, using logic and reasoning. As if my conscious mind finally catches up with my intutitve mind…

    So perhaps you intuitively see clearly, though you cannot articulate it? And that makes it difficult to say why this or that is working for you?

    Thought provoking post…

    1. I think you are 100% right about the intuition, though it’s borne out of something concrete.

      I feel a bit like I’m some old fashioned safe with a complicated combination, and all the tumblers have to click into place to get access. And it sometimes feels like I have more tumblers than other people.

      I watch other people become single and very quickly find someone new who they adore and are happy with, and I’m always like ‘How the fuck did that happen?’ I’m not in their lives or in their heads, so of course a lot of that is a level of ignorant perception.

      But as I mentioned above, I *feel* difficult.

      (nobody seems to like me using that word *smile*. I’m not quite sure why, but it feels right to me).

      Ferns

      1. smile.

        Perhaps because you often, in your blog, take the time to point out that although you may have a very precise vision of what you want, you find that if the “chemistry” is right, you are actually quite happy with a wider variation of attributes?

        That does not sound to me like *you* are difficult.

        It may be difficult to articulate what you are after, but *you* are not difficult.

        Perhaps just semantics….

        1. Perhaps it’s a misunderstanding of intent: I’m not saying that I am *deliberately* being difficult.

          To your point, if the chemistry is right, I’m in.

          But it seems that for me, ‘chemistry’ requires exactly 0.001mg of A, 0.2 grams of B, 100kg of C and various undocumented combinations of 200 other elements that I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE! *laugh*.

          So I’m not *being* difficult as if I have some choice over it and am ‘doing it’ somehow. I just AM.

          Ferns

  4. I don’t think that sounds difficult of you. However, I think that finding the following is extremely rare and maybe a little too much pressure for him “It can be one of many many things that click for me. And if he can bring me just one of those in every exchange, I am hooked.”

    Every exchange? I don’t see that happening.

    Respectfully,
    Mysticlez

    1. “Every exchange? I don’t see that happening.”

      *smile* It IS rare, yes, or I wouldn’t have written this post. If it wasn’t rare, I wouldn’t be difficult! But trust me, it happens.

      And if we are firing, it’s NOT pressure on him, that’s not how it works. He’s just being him, and he just hits it over and over. And each time isn’t some huge revelation, some amazing hallelujah moment, they are often small things thrown casually into the void.

      Ferns

  5. There are certain connotations when describing a person as ‘difficult’, and I think that’s what people are taking issue with.

    To me you come across as being ‘highly particular’ about things that are intangible, amorphous and unpredictable, and that’s where the ‘difficulty’ is likely to arise.

    There’s always pressure on a man to keep firing btw. And while, yes, that was a pun, there’s a serious point there too.

    Mr Shabby,
    Serious Land,
    Europe

    1. “To me you come across as being ‘highly particular’ about things that are intangible, amorphous and unpredictable, and that’s where the ‘difficulty’ is likely to arise.”

      Kind of this, yes. Though ‘highly particular’ makes it sound like it’s a *choice* on my part when it’s not.

      Hmmm… as I say that, it obviously IS a choice for me to ONLY want to get involved with someone when I feel ‘it’. That’s certainly a choice. But the ‘feeling it’ or not, isn’t a choice I make.

      I feel ‘it’, or I don’t feel ‘it’. And mostly, I just don’t. Not anyone’s fault.

      When I look around, it *seems* as if other people feel ‘it’ (of course, I mean their version of ‘it’) maybe 25% of the time (yes, I totally made that number up, bear with me!). For me, it feels more like 1% or 0.1%. A really really small number.

      “There’s always pressure on a man to keep firing btw. And while, yes, that was a pun, there’s a serious point there too.”

      *smile* Well, if it’s right, in my experience, there’s only a pleasant pressure, on both sides. When I really like him, he is going to bring out my desire to fire on all cylinders, to bring my A-game. And that’s a good thing.

      Ferns

  6. On the contrary, while you may be difficult, it strikes me that too many are not difficult enough. It’s very easy to go for the first (or second) one that comes along because they are “sort of” what you’re looking for. I know this because I’ve been guilty of that very thing, with cringe worthy results. For all I’ve seen, I can say with confidence that being difficult is not a bad thing.

    1. I think that’s a good point, and I do think there is perhaps a higher percentage of this in D/s than out in the vanilla world because the pool is smaller, and if you find someone who you genuinely like, there IS a temptation to just go for it, even if you kind of know it’s not really right.

      I find that I still sometimes ‘talk myself into it’ because if I DO like someone a lot and we ARE a good match in many ways, I can really WANT it to be a happening thing. But obviously if I’m doing that sort of self talk, it’s NOT right, and I shouldn’t try and make it fit when it doesn’t.

      Ferns

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