In my personal ad, I describe myself as “difficult’ (among other things). This is not a cute way of pretending I am some badass bitch. I’m not.
But boy, am I particular.
And in the context of getting to know someone, there seems to be a very narrow set of things that ‘work’ for me.
There are some things that hit me just right, that make me laugh out loud, that make me do a double take, that intrigue me, that fire me up, that inspire me, that attract my interest. I don’t really know how to explain what those things are, but when someone throws them at me, I’m beside myself with delight. And usually it’s some small exchange where he shows me a little slice of potential. And in that, I don’t mean ‘submissive potential’ (though sometimes it is exactly that), I mean ‘oh yes please’ potential.
It might be an exchange where he is confident, cocky even (in an ‘I know you want me, here it is!’ kind of way).
It might be a genuine curiosity that makes the conversation spiky and interesting.
Or it may be something obscure and hilarious that makes me laugh.
Maybe he shows that he has ‘seen’ me, for real, that he has looked hard, and *seen* me.
Or perhaps a sudden shyness, a hint of vulnerability in the midst of everything being normal.
Or sometimes it is the crystal clarity of realising that he ‘gets me’.
It can be one of many many things that click for me. And if he can bring me just one of those in every exchange, I am hooked.
When I say I am ‘difficult’, in this context I mean that those buttons, those triggers are hard to find, and they are ALWAYS found by accident: A throwaway line, then another, and another, and I will react to them pretty transparently, and if he’s right for me, if he’s in tune with me, he will see that, and that will fire him up, and he will instinctively grab it, and he will feed me more of it. And we create something in that exchange.
It’s so very rare that that happens. Mostly with good and fine men, we have very nice conversations that are very pleasant and there is nowhere for it to go because there isn’t anything there to grab on to. And it’s not their fault, or mine, it’s just that… I am difficult.