Shit Ferns Says #12

You know I missed number 4. That ‘shit I said’ list was apparently so lame, I didn’t even post it. Nobody cared. Nobody noticed. What I need is some decent stalkers who pay attention! Pay’s lousy and it’s pretty dull, but the position’s open.

Just avoided an internet argument by using my ‘Shield of Who the Fuck Cares What You Think’ disguised as my ‘Shield of Maturity’

Well, I do hope your cock is pleasantly shaped, good Sir, for I really am quite particular and unpleasantly shaped cocks simply will not do!

I’m in a horde of zombies (not quite happy with that collective noun: a resurrection of zombies? a limbo of zombies? a shamble of zombies?)!

It’s fresh, it’s clean, it’s shiny! We must sully it with ridiculousness!

Oh look, A THING ON THE INTERNET!!

…what if humans are now underground rat-creatures eking out a living on roots and dirt, having evolved in the apocalyptic aftermath of the destruction of the environment beyond everyone’s imaginings.

Sometimes I wish I was someone else so I could just watch my face when shit like this happens. I’ll bet it’s hellishly funny.

Oh internet: the place where real life names don’t even count any more!

If I was a serial killer, I’d totally use this font. For, like, creepy notes and such. I’d have to get a stencil made for doing it on walls in blood and all that though. Being a serial killer is a lot of trouble when you are concerned with finding the right font.

At that point, my internal narrator goes “…aaaannnnnddd THERE it is! She’s with us now…” *applause… crowd goes wild…*

There’s a fifth one now: Nigel. War, famine, pestilence, death, and Nigel.

…when you said ‘I’m only 23’, I heard a very sweet version of ‘stop eyeing me off like I’m a piece of prime rib, old lady, you are creeping me out’ which is a fair enough thing to say, frankly.

Faint and feint of e-potentials both work for me, though given my recent experiences ‘feint’ is probably better *smile*. A mirage, a foolery, no no… a mockery *laugh*. I’m all pleased with myself over that last one *smug*.

I demand champagne and cute naked boys backstage and you’ll have to get your PR people to contact my PR people who will go over the questions in advance to vet them so that we don’t have those awkward moments that follow questions like “How come you’re such an insufferable bitch?”

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8 Comments

  1. “Pay’s lousy and it’s pretty dull, but the position’s open.”

    Where do we apply?! I love your “Shit Ferns Says” series I just suck at keeping track lately. But if you consider me I will improve I promise!!!

    Respectfully,
    Mysticlez

    1. *laugh* I will take your application under consideration, thank you for it.

      Duties include (but are not limited to) identifying inconsistencies in statements that I make all over the internet, and noticing when I change a post after the fact to fix an annoying error that I just noticed…

      Ferns

  2. I’m in a horde of zombies (not quite happy with that collective noun: a resurrection of zombies? a limbo of zombies? a shamble of zombies?)!

    I like the ”shamble of zombies” idea. It works great for slow zombies. However fast zombies, like the ones in ‘World War Z’ don’t shamble, so perhaps they could be referred to as a ‘bolt of zombies’? a ‘run of zombies’, or even a ‘Jesus fucking Christ! of zombies’?

    (OK, maybe not the last one)

    1. I was just thinking the same thing about a shamble of zombies and the new fast zombies. But I like the idea of having 2 names. It’s like … flock of birds/murder of crows/unkindness of ravens. So a horde of zombies/shamble of slow zombies/bolt (or run or flee or death) of fast zombies. I think about zombies way too much.

      1. *laugh* I love that you think about zombies way too much!

        Also, what’s with those fast ones?

        I guess more sophisticated thinking would eventually cotton onto the fact that they are so fucking slow, you should be able to walk backwards in front of them, making funny faces and taunting them and… aarrrggghhh tripped!!!!

        Ferns

  3. “…what if humans are now underground rat-creatures eking out a living on roots and dirt, having evolved in the apocalyptic aftermath of the destruction of the environment beyond everyone’s imaginings.”

    I find your proposal acceptable.

    1. Well it’s less a proposal and more a theory tbh…

      But ‘acceptable’ does mean that I can go ahead with my PhD on this topic, so phew… :P

      Ferns

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