Reader Q&A: Expectations, clowning, & compliments

Questions from readers, no mucking about, let’s get to it!
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Met a Domme, dated briefly, she wanted to be friends, I proposed a D/s relationship, she said she’d consider it, we engaged in D/s flirtation, I offered specific service and got no reply, and a D/s relationship was never formalized. I felt teased & manipulated after awhile, asserted myself, she got mad when I wouldn’t serve her. I asked for clarification of our relationship because I was feeling confused, and when she asked why I need clarification, I told her it was because my time and efforts were valuable. That drove her bananas.

How can a Domme be worthy of service when the relationship hasn’t been clarified, and she behaves in a way outside a formal arrangement that shows she isn’t a trusted vessel for my feelings?

My limits are I’ll engage in D/s flirtation as demonstration of submission up to a point. My time, efforts, and service are valuable, and if she won’t commit, I walk. Once the relationship is formalized, I’m in.

Unreasonable expectations of the Domme?

I’m not quite clear on the ‘what happened’ chronology there, but it was obviously a big mess. And no, your expectations in that second to last paragraph don’t sound at all unreasonable.

I think your story illustrates why clear communication is so important as early as possible to avoid ending up in a situation where either or both of you become frustrated because expectations aren’t being met. A chat about how you each approach relationships can get you both on the same page (or identify an incompatibility) right up front.

I guess I’ll put my personal 2c worth in here and say that it takes me a long time to grow a relationship, and it’s an organic process that I can’t put a timetable on. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘commit’ or ‘formalise’ (a monogamous agreement, an acknowledgement of potential, a public statement, a declaration of love, a collar) but for me, commitment to exclusively invest in the relationship would come relatively early, but further commitment and formalising would be waaay down the track. In the meantime, we are building the relationship, exploring the potential and hopefully having a lot of fun. For me, the very fact that we are doing that IS valuing his time, effort and service.

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Hi, Ma’am!

I miss you! I hope you’re doing well. Are you? Are you? Huh Huh? Are you? *big warm hugs* I saw bread today and thought of you!

-me

Hello you!

*smile* I miss you too, and I AM doing well. I am! I am! *big warm hugs back*.

Mmmmm… bread… *laugh*.

Of course you know where I am if you want to reach me.

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After the vast popularity of Shade of Grey and books of that ilk, could you reccommend any erotic fiction where the man is submissive?

Why yes, yes I can!

Well, okay, not fiction, but it’s BETTER THAN FICTION!

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Dear Ferns,

I’m looking for a serious Domme. So I can try and make her laugh.

Having a nice lady hit you till you cry would be much more fun if you’ve seen her giggle. Why is it that otherwise witty, funny, and joyful Dommes and submissives think they have to be humourless to show how dedicated they are to D/s?

I think that presenting yourself to your partner, the love of your life, and your Domme (I’m meaning that they’re all the same person btw in case it’s ambiguous) with … for example … a clown’s nose on the end of your or your old John Thompson would be a great excuse to bond over humour, and also the painful beating that such immature humour would quite rightly elicit.

Yours dourly,

Shabby Arse

(P.S. I mean that’s *got* to be more fun for everyone than watching a depressed lion ride a tricycle round a fucking “big top” while plotting to eat his clown oppressors)

*laugh* I do believe there is a ‘serious Domme’ school in Central London. You might want to catch them as they are trudging out with their lips pursed and their brows furrowed. I suggest you add a soft shoe shuffle to your repertoire. Also magic tricks and a fake moustache, because LULZ!!

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I must say you are amazing. You just made the most clandestine part of my life more enjoyable, I am gonna keep an eye on you !

Thank you, and that is so lovely to hear!

And please keep both eyes on me. I am sneaky and you might miss something!!

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Hi Ferns, you’re awesome

I’m pretty sure I’ve got a small(big) crush on you

I think it really set in after reading your various posts about breakups. They were incredibly touching and sad, and I will never forget them.

I’d totally kill zombies with you

Aww, thank you anonymous commenter! I do love being crushed on! Even if it’s because I’m sad and alone… *cries*.

I’d love a compatriot in my zombie killing endeavours. How are you with serious weapons? I’m going to assume you are wonderful with them and also that you look super sexy in combat pants and big boots. Don’t disavow me of this notion. I have so little…

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In the About the Author page in your book, you mentioned a passion for “mindful living.” I confess to not knowing exactly what that was, but I saw it listed today in the paper as a trend for 2014. Since you’re always so far ahead of the curve, what does mindful living means to you? How do you experience it in everyday life? Does it have any connection to your other passions? And Happy New Year.

Litterarius

Ooh, you WERE paying attention! *smile*

I know it’s become a bit of a buzzword, which is a shame because I suspect I’m not adhering at all to some external principles of ‘Mindful Living (TM)’.

What I mean by it is moving consciously in the world, being aware of what is going on in my head, the choices I make in all things, and taking responsibility for making those choices rather than just ‘letting things happen’ as if I have no say in it. Simply, for me it’s about observing, paying attention, appreciating, and taking appropriate, positive action based on those observations.

As a really simple example, I don’t watch or read the news because it makes me stressed and sad and depressed, and honestly, unless I am going to DO something about terrible things happening in the world, there is no benefit to anybody of me knowing about horrible things. At some point I weighed up the value of knowing (neutral) versus the impact on my life (negative) and the impact on the lives of others (nil), and decided that the net impact was negative. So I stopped doing it.

As a more positive example, I get up every day and am hyper aware of how lucky I am: I’m grateful for it and try to appreciate it.

I try to extend this mindfulness to my interactions with others in my sphere of influence. I try to think about how something might impact them, and if there’s a net negative impact, I won’t do it.

I’m not all zen about it, I’m not moving through the world ‘doing good’: it’s purely self interest. I don’t like the way it feels to have negativity in my life, so if I can, I make conscious choices that cut it out.

I’d note that this doesn’t at all stop me complaining about stuff though (I mean, you follow me on twitter… you know…!).

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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13 Comments

  1. “I’m looking for a serious Domme. So I can try and make her laugh. Having a nice lady hit you till you cry would be much more fun if you’ve seen her giggle.”

    Yay! I love this comment. Three cheers for the dour Shabby Arse! :D

    “What I mean by it is moving consciously in the world, being aware of what is going on in my head, the choices I make in all things, and taking responsibility for making those choices rather than just ‘letting things happen’ as if I have no say in it”

    I call mine “overthinking,” and I swear I need medicated for it. Your take on ‘Mindful Living’ sounds far more healthy, less obsessive, and way less stressful. Um, as soon as you come out with a book on Mindful Living(TM), lemmie know. :)

    1. Why thankyou. It’s always nice to be cheered.

      *raises a G&T to DD*

      This means I now feel entitled to comment on your blog too, just so you know. :D

  2. I do believe there is a ‘serious Domme’ school in Central London. You might want to catch them as they are trudging out with their lips pursed and their brows furrowed. I suggest you add a soft shoe shuffle to your repertoire. Also magic tricks and a fake moustache, because LULZ!!

    Thanks for the heads up. I’m working on some jokes as ice breakers:

    Q) “What is a Domme’s favourite pub game?”
    A) “Domme-in-hose!!”

    … that’s all I’ve got so far.

      1. On the down side everybody with Coulrophilia hates me :)
        Coug

        On the other hand “It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.” – Niccolo Machiavelli Muwaaaaaaahaaaaaaaa! *shifty eyes* Not that anyone needs to ummm fear me or anything of course I’m just an innocent old lady Lawks! etc

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