Reader Q&A: How has your view of BDSM changed?

Hello Gorgeous! Of course I have to keep you on your toes so I am going to give you a thought provoking question again.

Reflecting back on when you first discovered the lifestyle and where you are at today would you say your view of the lifestyle has changed and how? Also, what do you think is the most difficult or influential lesson you have had to learn in the lifestyle?

Okay so it’s two questions then.

Respectfully,
mysticlez

Hello mysticlez *smile*!

Firstly, the term ‘the lifestyle’ bugs me. Not your fault of course, it’s commonly used. But it just makes no sense to me (no more sense than referring to ‘the heterosexual lifestyle’ or ‘the loves-reading-books lifestyle’). My aversion to the term aside, your question was perfectly clear, so here goes…

I was always dominant in my relationships, even when I didn’t know about BDSM. But when I ‘discovered’ there was such a thing as BDSM, I kind of went power-mad for a while. I was like a Domme-on-steroids because all of a sudden ‘who I was’ got all sorts of crazy props. Testing out these new-found amazing feelings in an environment where it was actively encouraged was intoxicating. In that, I have an understanding of the young Dommes who come out with their ‘tude flapping all up in people’s faces. They know it all, and they’re going to stomp all over everyone who will let them stomp because it’s all new and exciting and maddeningly fabulous.

I mellowed a lot as I kind of re-learnt ‘how relationships work’ within this new paradigm: I realised that I don’t need no stinkin’ ‘tude. Who I am is enough. And if it’s *not* enough for whoever I’m with, then that person is obviously not right for me.

As for important lessons, oh, there are so many!! My first submissive was more experienced than me, and I learnt two hugely valuable things from him:

  1. If I trust him enough, I can be fearless and that fearlessness has incredible power and intimacy for me, and for us. If I’m not there yet, then I need to work on the trust part.
  2. Submissive behaviour is very useful for hiding selfishness because the *acts* cloud the motivation. Being able to look underneath behaviour to motivation is hugely important to me.

Great questions, thank you!

Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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2 Comments

  1. What a smart person to ask such a thoughtful question! *laughs*

    “If I trust him enough, I can be fearless and that fearlessness has incredible power and intimacy for me, and for us. If I’m not there yet, then I need to work on the trust part.”

    This is a very powerful lesson I can imagine. I am assuming that perhaps you are referring to being fearless both in play and outside of play? It takes a while to gain that much trust of someone.

    “Submissive behavior is very useful for hiding selfishness because the *acts* cloud the motivation.”

    I imagine that submissive behavior can cloud selfishness and an intelligent and careful Dominant must learn how to determine if the person is submissive or just selfish. I also imagine that it works in reverse that a person can use Dominant behavior to disguise just being an arsehole.

    Here is where I am going to be difficult for you…a question within a question!!! Have you observed any major changes in BDSM itself since you discovered it?

    Respectfully,
    Mysticlez

    1. “I am assuming that perhaps you are referring to being fearless both in play and outside of play?”

      Yes, I meant both.

      “I also imagine that it works in reverse that a person can use Dominant behavior to disguise just being an arsehole.”

      Yes! I imagine for a lot of people it’s *really* hard to tell if someone’s a dominant or an arsehole or (quite possibly) both.

      “Have you observed any major changes in BDSM itself since you discovered it?”

      Well since I’m not ‘in the community’ in r/l I have no idea about what changes are happening out there.

      Online I see a LOT of newbies (accessibility, publicity, acceptance are all making BDSM more popular), and I see a lot more extreme play (hook suspensions, lip suturing, nailing bits to boards etc) than I used to. With the latter, I have no idea if it’s being *done* more, but certainly, I am *seeing* more of it.

      Ferns

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