On getting older

I recently had a birthday (how did you miss it?! I was bleating on endlessly about it…).

I’m 48 now, and saying that out loud gives me a bit of a shock. I’m not sure what 48 is supposed to feel like, but like a lot of people as they get older, I don’t *feel* as old as my years so when I say it out loud, I’m mentally going “WTF?!!”.

I felt 32 for a long long time after that year had passed. I really don’t know why. It’s just the age I felt. Now, I’d put that as closer to 35. Again, I don’t really know why that is or what that age feels like exactly. It just is.

Not so long ago, I answered a few questions on getting older and how I’m dealing.

Q: Do you fight the signs or will you go gently into that good night?

I will never go gently if by that you mean ‘laying down and doing nothing while I wait to decay’. I don’t like what age is doing to my face and body and yes, I’m fighting it.

Mentally and emotionally, I’m strong, and my ‘don’t give a fuck’ is as healthy as it has ever been, though I guess it has been pretty robust for the last 15 years or so already.

Q: Do you feel the “pressure” to look good in fetish/kink wear or it doesn’t matter?

I don’t wear fetish gear, so it’s irrelevant, but I still want to look good in normal clothes (and out of them!).

Oh wait! I have a corset!! I think I look good in it. But pressure? No.

I’m very aware that when I was younger, I literally didn’t have to do any work to look fit (thanks mum and dad for good Dutch genes!), so I am used to seeing myself in a certain way, and there is now a mind-body disconnect that I don’t like.

So I don’t feel *pressure* as such, but I’m vain and stubborn and proud, and I want to be the best I can be (as I define it). And if I want to close the gap in that disconnect, I have to do the work. So I do the work.

Q: Do you feel the pressure to work out, buy products, and go under the knife? And if so, who puts that pressure on you: the outsiders or yourself?

I would be naive to think that any of my desires related to my appearance are purely independent thought unrelated to other influences given the unrelenting social pressure on women to look a certain way, but it doesn’t *feel* like external pressure to me. By that I mean that I don’t feel it from others and I don’t look at (say) popular media and think I should look like anything that is represented there.

Frankly, being ‘of a certain age’ now, I feel *less* pressure to look a certain way than I probably did when I was younger. It’s as if you get a ‘pass’ at a certain age because you become sexually invisible and romantically irrelevant.

Personally I don’t feel that, but socially and biologically, older women being attractive is not ‘important’ (to me it feels like a patronising pat on the head that communicates ‘It’s okay, dear, it doesn’t matter any more because nobody cares…’).

Having said all that, I think that older dominant women have a distinct romantic advantage in the D/s world because experience and maturity are seen as having value, and that makes me pretty damn happy. While ‘cougars’ in the vanilla world exist, and they have their admirers, it seems to me that it’s much more common for younger submissive men to *ignore* age and not consider it a relationship barrier. I’m more than perfectly okay with that.

Anyway, I’m with Einstein on the whole age thing:

“I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.”
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

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24 Comments

  1. older dominant women have a distinct romantic advantage in the D/s world because experience and maturity are seen as having value, and that makes me pretty damn happy

    Yes, they do, and yes, it should! (Jalan is significantly younger than I am — it’s maturity, not age — but from a “marketing” perspective, you’re absolutely right.)

    1. *smile* That’s so lovely! Thank you.

      Does this mean I have to stop wandering the streets swearing at random people and kidnapping all the neighbourhood cats?

      Ferns

  2. Wait till you turn 50!
    *cackles evilly and rubs hands*

    Err that is so I ummm hear…..

    Errr yeah

    Not that I am you know over ummm 50 or anything

    look puppies ————>

    Coug

    1. *laugh* I WANT to say that the number makes little difference (I mean, it’s only two years away), but I suspect I will have a little rebellion and spend the year behaving like an adolescent brat in protest!

      Ferns

  3. I can’t think of a more beautiful 48 year young lady than you.

    “I don’t like what age is doing to my face and body and yes, I’m fighting it”.

    Odd because I happen to think you have an absolutely beautiful face and a dazzling smile.

    “…because you become sexually invisible and romantically irrelevant”.

    If you are sexually invisible and romantically irrelevant then why are you always in so many of our dreams? *winks*

    Well you are 48 and you feel 35 and I am 35 and I feel 56 so what does that say about me exactly. *sighs* I let myself get old too fast.

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

  4. Oh go away, Miss Ferns. How many more compliments do you require? Do you need a novel written about you and your magic?

    I know, I know, your blog went deeper than that. But it contained that, nonetheless.

    Shut *up*, Miss Ferns.

    Funny woman. Odd.

  5. ”I recently had a birthday (how did you miss it?! I was bleating on endlessly about it…).

    Actually, I celebrated “Fernsday” this year, as I have for the past three, by having an extra beer for breakfast. Your birthday is even on my permanent calender! (See how important you are?)

    I can totally get what you’re saying about not feeling your age too. I’m going to be 59 next month, and yet I feel quite apart from my numerical age. I don’t know what 59 is supposed to “feel” like either. I just go about doing what I do and it is only as I see evidence of it, do I realize that I’m almost 60. Looking in the mirror (cringe) is one way, or when I recognize that I can’t physically do some things like I used to.

    Also like you, I am also not willing to simply fade into a gentle old age, but rather, I’m doing what I can to keep the hounds of advancing decrepitude at bay. This has become more important to me as I approach that ‘”certain age” where I will “become sexually invisible and romantically irrelevant.”!

    ”I think that older dominant women have a distinct romantic advantage in the D/s world because experience and maturity are seen as having value.” (I’m not so sure that the same romantic advantage applies to older submissive men though… Especially, for one who is new, and unattached

    I believe that you *DO* have that romantic advantage and it is especially true in your case. Not only do you have ‘experience and maturity’ but you look fabulous as well. The combination of Good Dutch Genes, and all that gym going have served you well. Yes, even at 48, you can rock a bikini, and I think your face is lovely!

    “My ‘don’t give a fuck’ is as healthy as it has ever been”

    *LAUGH* Speaking from experience, this final bit, is one thing you never want to let go of.

    In any case, I think you’re absolutely beautiful.. Both inside and out.

    1. “…by having an extra beer for breakfast”

      You may imagine stern disapproving finger waving over the implications of this!!

      “I’m going to be 59 next month, and yet I feel quite apart from my numerical age. I don’t know what 59 is supposed to “feel” like either.”

      *nod* It’s weird isn’t it?

      “Also like you, I am also not willing to simply fade into a gentle old age, but rather, I’m doing what I can to keep the hounds of advancing decrepitude at bay.”

      Good for you! In fact, I happen to know that you are at the gym right now!! Go you!

      “In any case, I think you’re absolutely beautiful.. Both inside and out.”

      *smile* That’s so lovely, thank you!

      Ferns

  6. I’m wondering at what, if any age, if told to put on socks, you would comply?

    I agree that there is little need to pay attention to age as a number at all, unless of course you might relish the thought that there are twenty-four year-olds who would have delivered themselves gift wrapped for your birthday if only trans-pacific postage wasn’t so unreasonable.

    1. “I’m wondering at what, if any age, if told to put on socks, you would comply?”

      From about 3 to 6. After that, it’s a free for all as far as socks go!

      “…unless of course you might relish the thought that there are twenty-four year-olds who would have delivered themselves gift wrapped for your birthday if only trans-pacific postage wasn’t so unreasonable.”

      *rubs hands together with glee* Well, what’s not to relish about that?!! I mean, come ON!!

      Ferns

  7. I’ve always been one of those “age is just a number” people. Probably due to dating all over the age ranges no matter what age I was at the time. It just never seemed very important to me. Ah, the ignorance of youth. As I’m getting older, so many things have changed.

    I’m now an old, fat, married woman. Talk about sexually irrelevant! I try not to let it get me down. But it kinda pisses me off that being any particular age should matter. If I meet people who don’t know my age, I have no problems. Men (and occasional women) hit on me. Usually younger but not always. So clearly I’m not *actually* irrelevant. But as the husband so kindly pointed out to me upon discussing bringing some younger folks out to our local F/m group… I’m the youngest dominant woman currently in the group and I’m far too old to attract the next generation of kinksters. Especially worse that all the other women are older than I am… Thanks dear.

    I had been feeling (much like you) that being an older dominant was probably a plus. Hearing that from my loving submissive husband was a bit like a kick to the midsection. I swear, with sexual partners like him, it’s a miracle I don’t have a complex.

    1. “I’ve always been one of those “age is just a number” people.”

      I would be interested to know whether young people believe this more than older people. I wonder because I think it’s a little naive.

      I’ve spoken about my thoughts on age differences in relationships specifically, and I think the ‘age is just a number’ idea ignores a lot of realities that really can’t be ignored. It’s not that they need to be show stoppers, but they can’t just be dismissed with a cliche either.

      “I had been feeling (much like you) that being an older dominant was probably a plus.

      It is!!

      Though I have to say that I DO now find myself worrying a little about being an old creeper, and by that I mean that if I feel like throwing a compliment at some hot young thing, I have a twinge of worry that I’m ‘creepy old lady’ that will squick him out.

      “Hearing that from my loving submissive husband was a bit like a kick to the midsection.”

      Yes, well, he was being an insensitive clod, and deserves a kick in HIS midsection. You can give him one from me too!

      Ferns

      1. I think that it’s naive to say there are no issues with May/December relationships. There are. But there are *always* going to be some kind of issues. And I certainly don’t look at “age is just a number” as a statement that all younger people and all older people are created equal. Not at all. But I know some very mature and well-adjusted younger people that I wouldn’t rule out as a partner… and some people older than I am that are basically giant toddlers.

        And after talking to a few of my younger submissive friends… ones not trying to get in my pants… I think I’m going to be a lot more worried about creeping people out. Apparently I’m much harder to offend or creep out than the average Joe/Jane. I never had negative reactions to being hit on by older men when I was 20something. I even dated older several times. But I think I am more of an anomaly than the norm. :/

        1. “And after talking to a few of my younger submissive friends… ones not trying to get in my pants… I think I’m going to be a lot more worried about creeping people out.”

          Ahh… interesting.

          I tend to think women get more leeway here than men (sexism, yay?!), but ‘how much’ is completely subjective.

          “Apparently I’m much harder to offend or creep out than the average Joe/Jane. I never had negative reactions to being hit on by older men when I was 20something.”

          I really have no idea how unusual you may be: I mean there are plenty of relationships out there with all sorts of age gaps and they had to start with an approach somewhere.

          In general, I tend to think that if he’s under a certain age, HE has to approach ME for me to be okay with any kind of flirty-interaction. Once it’s clear he welcomes it, then all bets are off (ref: the pretty thing *smile*).

          Ferns

  8. Damn woman. That bikini picture has you looking closer to 30. You childless women always piss me off. (not really of course, I would not trade the kids in for the erasing of the stretch marks…although the thought has crossed my mind many times).
    When you look like you do – your age means next to nothing.
    I find that while my body & face may be changing (which is slightly annoying), I am somehow still feeling pretty damn hot & good about the aging process. I care a lot less than I used to. I am kinder to myself than I was when I was younger. Sure – I am scarred and chunkier…but I am far more confident and therefore sexier. The only down side I see is that caring less means I have a harder time finding the ambition to get to the gym and eat right. I keep telling myself to – and the slave has been ordered to go ahead and push me. If it doesn’t work it will be because I get ticked off that he is trying to boss me around…which means I will get a work out anyway since I will need to punish him. Win-win!
    -MistressKimm (45)

    1. *laugh* Not that often I’m happy to piss someone off, but I’ll take it. Thank you!

      “I am somehow still feeling pretty damn hot & good about the aging process. I care a lot less than I used to. I am kinder to myself than I was when I was younger.”

      I’ve seen photos of you, and you don’t even have to be kinder to yourself – you look damn hot!!

      I do think that the ‘fuck you’ thing is a wonderful side effect of maturity. While the work I am doing is all about vanity, it’s not about others’ approval or validation (though I’m *totally* an attention whore for compliments and sweetness!).

      “If it doesn’t work it will be because I get ticked off that he is trying to boss me around…which means I will get a work out anyway since I will need to punish him. Win-win!”

      *grin* Total win-win!

      Ferns

  9. It makes me very happy to think that as a domme, I will probably get more attractive to my partner as I grow older rather than less, because I will gain experience and confidence, know him better and we will grow closer. Being sexy in a BDSM context seems to have more to do with attitude and personality than with physical beauty ideals, which is awesome.

    1. *smile* Thanks so much for your comment back here.

      I think if you have a partner (D/s or not), they will continue to find you fabulously attractive because they *know* you and love everything about you that makes you ‘you’. Age doesn’t change any of that. Also you are growing older WITH you, so it’s a path you are on together.

      When you are single (as I am), I think it’s ‘objective perception’ that has a bit of a different impact.

      I totally agree with you that ‘being sexy’ (for anyone, regardless of context) is ALWAYS a whole combination of things (attitude, personality, that quirky thing you do with your hands etc), and it’s different for different people, which is utterly awesome. I think the same about ‘attractiveness’. Both of those are very different from ‘physical beauty’.

      Ferns

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