Supporting your dominant’s dominance

Jul
2013
10

posted by on advice for male subs, femdom relationships, musing

Sometimes submissives ask how they can help their dominant (especially their *new* dominant) become more comfortable in her dominance.

Come here, and I will let you in on a secret…

Ssshhhh…

Ready?

Here it is:

Submit!

Seriously. Do that.

I know it sounds as if I am being cute or something, but I’m not.

Do you want to know what I probably needed most from my submissive when I was finding my feet?

  • A safe space in which to assert myself.
  • To be certain that when I ask for something, he will comply.
  • To be confident that he is eager and willing to do it.
  • For him to demonstrate that he thinks that I am teh awesome for asking things of him.
  • To know that even if he *isn’t* eager, and doesn’t enjoy doing it that he is *still willing to do it for me anyway*.
  • To feel that he is made happy by giving me what I want, even when it’s difficult.
  • To have acknowledgement that my dominance is valuable to him.
  • For the exchange to feel like sweetness and affection.

Do you know what I probably need most from my submissive now that I have found my feet? STILL ALL OF THE ABOVE.

In short, I need him to submit to me in a way that works for me.

So do some work to learn what your dominant needs to feel from you in terms of your submission, and give her that.

See, I could have finished this post here, but THOUGHTS!

Back to the topic of vulnerability.

Remember my inner voice in this post? It took me a while to train that inner voice to not just go ‘Oh hell, he’s not going to do what I asked, I’ll just give up’ at the first hint of resistance, and then feel hurt and rejected over it. If that happened, I’d be reluctant to ask something similar of him again because I’d be scared that I would fail again (and that’s what it felt like: ‘failure’).

I know we all (okay, well, some of us) want to pretend that dominants are all domlydomdomdominant all over and all the time. But for all of that, you know what?

All a submissive has to do to break the D/s dynamic is say ‘no’ to things they don’t want to do, and keep saying it.

Seriously, that’s it. It’s really that easy.

Why?

Well firstly because when he says ‘no’, unless you have agreed otherwise, he is essentially withdrawing consent. But it’s more than that.

Simply put, for a D/s dynamic to work he has to submit, and saying ‘no, I don’t want to’ is not submitting.

If my submissive makes arbitrary choices about when he’s going to say ‘yes’ and when he’s going to say ‘no’, that’s not submission. That’s a vanilla relationship where he does what I want if he feels like it, and then doesn’t when it doesn’t suit him.

Some dominants are willing to spend time getting past some hesitance, reluctance, a half-hearted ‘no’, some bratty back-talk and if a submissive *needs* that to feel the dynamic, there is nothing at all wrong with it. Lots of people on both sides of the slash love having that push-pull in their dynamic.

But if your dominant is new, or is a little insecure, or is feeling vulnerable, then putting up resistance is a nightmare scenario that is likely to make her back down and just not bother trying any more (that is, she will withdraw her dominance). And that will hit her confidence hard: it’s really difficult to come back from that. The little voice in her head will have a field day telling her she’s a rubbish Domme, and probably selfish and bossy and petty and mean and NO-ONE WILL EVER LOVE HER!

It’s also a nightmare for someone who is getting to know you, and actually *isn’t sure what you are doing*. They are trying to divine the line between ‘being positively assertive’ and ‘being an unreasonable bitch’, and they are well aware that if they get it wrong, the whole situation can go bad very quickly. Goodness knows we are told enough times how much we have to care for our submissives (and fair enough too), and determining where that line is can often be difficult.

Personally, I’m willing to do some of that ‘pushing past resistance’, in fact, I’m happy to do it. I like the feeling where we are nudging up against each other to see how the land lies. My radar is pretty good now, and if I’m really not sure what is going on, I mostly don’t have a problem saying, “Look, your reluctance is making me feel bad, what’s going on?” But having said that, if his answer is some version of “I just don’t feel like it”, then we really DO have a problem that needs to be sorted out.

TL;DR: If you want to support your dominant’s dominance, then submit.

*sigh* Do I REALLY have to put a caveat here that there are legitimate reasons for saying ‘no’. Fine, there are. I’m not talking about those. Move on.

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