Reader Q&A

I have been really slack with sharing the Q&A here.

In case you’ve forgotten, over on the Ask me page, you can ask me questions (see how intuitive that is?!). You can also see what I’ve been saying to anonymous peeps and be totally impressed, or maybe outraged. WHO KNOWS?!

There are quite a few over there now. Here’s some of them.

Hey Ferns,
Just wanted to let you know that my crush on you turned 3 the other day and I celebrated it with some glorious pear cake (baked it myself, you’d be surprised :-).

In a completely unrelated matter, an awesome domme I’ve been following online posted a personal ad the other day, should I answer it even though I’m 12 time zones away? It would be kind of hard to deal with the distance, but fate may kick my ass if I don’t… Any advice?

*laugh* This email literally made me laugh with delight, it’s so wonderfully sweet. Thank you for it!

I am jealous that I didn’t get any pear cake (yum!), but happy 3rd birthday to your crush!! Amazing how fast they grow up isn’t it? Soon they will be leaving for college AND FATE WILL BE KICKING YOUR ARSE!!

Here’s my advice about your other completely unrelated matter… come closer and I’ll whisper it in your ear… shhh…

If you meet this awesome Domme’s criteria, and you think it’s possible to come up with a realistic plan to co-locate at some point in the future, what have you got to lose by exploring it? The worst case is that you discover that you aren’t compatible.

Or perhaps a more relevant question is “How big is that ‘what if’ level of regret going to be if you do nothing?”

This big: . ?

Or this big:  ∞ ?

Now excuse me, I’ll just be over here checking my inbox. For no good reason. Just because…

Ferns

(the guy that recently asked about the kidnap-fantasy thing). Thanks for that! :) I like knowing that their are other people out there like find interest in the same thing. Personally, I love it with panty gags and face sitting as well. That’s hot for me!!

You’re most welcome! *smile*

Ferns

I don’t want to sound like a fool, and sorry if I do because I am an amateur at this haha. But is it unusual for a guy to have a rape/reluctant fantasy whereby throughout the role-play situation he acts as if he does not want it as he is kidnapped and reluctantly does as the woman says and is even scared of the woman (and this turns her) on. Because this is my fantasy! :) Thanks :)

You don’t sound like a fool. And no, your fantasy isn’t unusual at all. There are all sorts of fantasies around being ‘forced’ to do things you don’t want to do. It’s pretty common, and fear is a turn on for many. This sort of play is usually negotiated and consented to well before it happens, and then the dominant essentially has free reign to be forceful within the bounds of the agreement and to ‘make’ the submissive do whatever they want. Hot!!

Ferns

It takes some courage to write: My butt is avery erogenous zone – and I have the fantasy, that the woman “takes me” from behind by grasping my ass with both hands, holding it in a firm grip and moulding/kneading my “cheeks” – with strong power and passion. This already would bring me to an orgasm – if I feel the lust of her also. Do women as well have such desires (to do this with men)? I never see it in the Internet, or read it (written by a women). Is it too much “role reversal” or equality? Or a taboo? Or too rare as a desire? – Your picture to the right does express this attitude I mean fantastically: completely different from the usual role division, the best sexual image I know!

I am struggling a little to understand what exactly you are asking here. I’m not sure whether you are talking about the very specific act of having your butt roughly handled from behind and that’s it, or if you are referring to pegging when you say ‘takes me from behind’.

If you are talking about pegging, it is really quite common: there are lots of porn clips, articles, stories, discussion groups etc about it.

I hope that helps.

Ferns

I live in a small town, and am submissive. I’ve never ever even met anyone that is dominant. I am moving to sf in August and attend college. Will my life get better?

Awww, I just want to give you a big hug!!! YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO GET SO AWESOME!!!

Congratulations on your upcoming move and exciting new college life.

I suggest you join Fetlife (if you haven’t already) and find some local groups (there are over 270 listed for SF) and munches and events and see if anything looks interesting. There might even be a kink group at the college you are going to.

Enjoy, and good luck!

Ferns

How do I deal with and handle someone who was abused in the past? My sub was essentially taken when he was a young adult, living in a real slave life for years. Not totally consensual. Beatings, continual bondage, every aspect of live controlled completely. And yes, he was also abused physically when a small child at home. This is his only ds experience. We are LDR, but we’ve worked through many sensitive issues. I test things once in while, just to see. My exp is friends/subs with play, but not really the whole LTR type. So I’m learning some too.
No searches find anything real on male sub abuse. Any ideas?

I’m so sorry that your submissive went through that, and it’s commendable that you want to look after him and do the right thing by him, but here’s the thing: Any kind of abuse, but *especially* childhood abuse is a really serious issue.

For all I know he has spent years in therapy and all of the below is redundant, but I can’t NOT say it (apologies in advance!).

You can’t (and shouldn’t be trying to) address his ‘sensitive issues’ as his long distance friend/play partner if he hasn’t worked through them already. Even if you have the skills to do it (that is, you are a professional abuse counsellor), your personal involvement with him rules you out as anything other than a supportive friend.

If he isn’t already seeing someone, I strongly suggest that he go and find professional help from a kink-friendly therapist. Until he has worked through the terrible experiences he went through, and he understands how they might be relevant to his current D/s leanings, what things might be triggers, how to deal when something goes badly etc, I think you are essentially poking at something that could go horribly wrong for him (and for you!). You aren’t his partner, and you aren’t local, so going to therapy as a couple obviously isn’t possible, but if I were you, I would take any D/s out of the relationship, be his friend, encourage him to get therapy, and provide as much support as you can.

Hopefully a kink-friendly therapist can not only help him with his past, but also help him to explore any impacts of it on his submissive leanings so that he understands what is and isn’t healthy for him, and can communicate that to potential partners as part of managing it together.

I wish you the both the very best of luck, and kudos to you for looking after him so well.

Ferns

hi I have been a bit of a slut going from Mistress to Mistress now that I have found a Mistress that is suited to both our style and thinking, I really want to expand on the lifestyle with her.

She has hinted about bi sexual action , I really like her but am a bit hesitant to let other guys fuck me should I say yes to please her , or put it down as a hard limit

I don’t know why you have to choose either ‘yes’ or ‘hard limit’ given you are only at the stage where she has ‘hinted’ about it and you are ‘a bit hesitant’.

How about you try talking to her honestly and openly about how she feels about it, and telling her the truth about how you feel about it (whatever that truth may be).

If it’s an ‘absolute must-have’ for her and a ‘no way no how ever ever EVER’ for you, then you have a compatibility issue, and avoiding the topic is not going to change that. If it’s a ‘well it would be nice’ for her and a ‘not right now and I really don’t know how I will feel in the future’ for you, then talking about it gets it on the table and it’s not a deal breaker if it never happens, right?

Best of luck.

Ferns

hi i am married 53 but have always wanteda misstress to own me as their slave ,i dont know how to go about it though,its very risky looking on the web,please can you help me,i know i was born to be a sex slave and owned by a misstress thankyou

I’m sorry, but helping you figure out a low risk way to cheat on your wife is not a service I provide.

Ferns

Is a tease and denial encounter, where the dominant woman teases mercilessly and the submissive male is denied an orgasm, something that the woman can find pleasure in? I secretly want to be sent home completely frustrated, but want the woman to enjoy it. Congratulations on the public service you provide with your Q&As and Chronicles.
-Adam

Hello Adam,

Tease and denial is hugely hot for me, and for many other women. I’d venture a guess that it’s fairly common. So my answer is a resounding ‘YES!’ Just be clear that it’s one of the things you enjoy and find someone who enjoys it also.

Thank you for the congratulations on my public service-mindedness!

Ferns

I am a submissive older male. I am submissive to both men and women sexually. I was never with a man until about ten years ago. I became very submissive to him sexually, oral and anal. When I go out I don’t think about men at all only women . Confused is this normal for a submissive or shoud I pick one over the other?

Is it normal? Sure. People are complex, and not everyone is solidly heterosexual or homosexual. Lots of people are somewhere along the scale. There’s nothing abnormal about it, and I don’t think you have to pick one over the other.

You aren’t quite clear on whether the relationship with the man was MORE than just sexual (that is, whether it was a romantic, long term boyfriend-type relationship), but it sounds like it wasn’t. I’d take a guess that if you had to pick a label (which you don’t), it sounds like you are heteroflexible. That is, primary interested in heterosexual romantic relationships, but open to homosexual encounters.

I think the only thing you do need to work out is what your feelings mean for your future partner/s. For example, if you got involved with a man who thinks the relationship is going to ‘end in happily ever after’, but you don’t see yourself in a long term romantic relationship with a man, then it’s only fair that he knows this up-front.

Ferns

I just feel so isolated, sometimes. The notion that somewhere there is a woman who won’t think I’m a pervert for wanting to be obedient to her…
Where is she? Why can’t I ever find her?

I understand the feeling of isolation, but we ARE out there, and we will only think you are a pervert in a GOOD way! It probably doesn’t help much, but it’s not just you. Finding a compatible partner is just hard. I mean, I haven’t found one yet either.

As to your questions, I don’t know where she is and why you can’t find her… what have you tried? Have you tried dating sites? BDSM sites? Participating in online communities? Getting out into the local RL community?

It’s tough, but if you are hiding away and hoping she will find you by magic, then you are sabotaging yourself with inaction.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Ferns

I have a crush on you. I’m sure you already know it but I’m telling you all anonymous, and secretly and stuff… This way, you can guess which one of your hundreds of fans sent it. Almost fun… Right?

*smile* Hello anonymous crusher. *Do* I know it? *peers at you suspiciously*

I do love being crushed on, I think it’s the sweetest thing ever! Also, when I got up this morning all hangovered (is SO a word!) and awful, your secret confession in my inbox was my first smile of the day. So thank you for telling me all anonymous, and secretly and stuff… *glow*

And yes, much fun!

Ferns

I want to permanently mark my sub with a certain design. I want to do it so a tattoo will not work and I’d rather be more creative than a brand… any ideas?

Thanks,
Isis

Hello Isis,

Well, I’ve tried permanent markers and I can tell you with some confidence that *they aren’t permanent!!* I know, false advertising, right?!!

Other than tattoos and branding, the only other thing I can think of is cutting. You can do some beautiful designs, but since it’s scarification, I understand that it’s quite difficult to tell how it will look when healed.

Ferns

hi

Hi.

Ferns

You recently expressed frustration with seeing more women feeling like something is wrong with them if they do not respond in certain ways sexually such as not being able to come from PIV sex or multiple orgasms.
Why do you think this is becoming a trend? How would you advise these women to address those feelings? What in your life or why do you think you are so comfortable with your sexuality, for example was it the way you were raised?

Respectfully,
brattyboi

*smile* good one huh lol

Hello brattyboi,

I get really really frustrated when women are being told ALL THE TIME that there is something wrong with them physically or sexually when there’s not. There is a tiny narrow window that constitutes what some small minded people think of as ‘normal’, and if a woman isn’t ‘normal’, then she has to be ‘fixed’.

What is ‘normal’ changes all the time, of course. Right now it seems that ‘normal’ for a woman is to be skinny (natch!), have a hairless vulva with tiny labia, all in light pink, with a pale arsehole. She has to come from PIV sex, and not only that, she has to be multi-orgasmic (not one or two orgasms, but in the tens) and be able to squirt. She must love oral, but prefers PIV for orgasm.

If ANY of those things is not true, she had better find ways to ‘fix’ it because she is broken and wrong and probably undesirable.

It makes me all ragey!!! *waves fists wildly*

And it’s pervasive. And the messages get internalised to the point where women *believe* it, and then do it to themselves, or each other JUST as much as it’s being done TO them by men, the media, porn, whatever.

I don’t think there is one source of this. I think there are a gazillion sources, but I’m willing to put a big red cross on ‘the internet’ and easy access to dumb information. Images, opinions, idiots on the internet feed these ideas, and what you end up with is some clueless male or female genuinely asking, “I can’t come from PIV sex/can’t squirt/can’t have multiple orgasms/whatever”, how do I fix this?” and instead of respondents screaming “There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!!”, they all pipe up ‘helpfully’ with solutions to her ‘problem’.

I’d note that those ‘how do I fix it’ questions are VERY different from “I’d like to see if I can come from PIV sex… any ideas?” which is about exploration and is awesome. But most are not of that ilk.

As to how I got to where I am comfortable, I think a lack of access to these supposed norms is probably part of it to be honest. I had nothing to compare my experiences to, so there was no ‘scale of rightness’. Information is great, but it can create an environment of homogeneous sameness and a terrible pressure to fit some mould. I see prepubescent girls doing ‘Am I hot or not’ youtube videos. It hurts my heart that they are already seeking validation of that kind from virtual strangers when they should be outside playing frigging basketball or something. It emphasises the wrong things so early on in their lives.

And yes, that was a good one… *smile*.

Ferns

I’m a domme virgin – I have recently been discussing with a potential sub the possibility of having a full relationship. I am confused however by a few things and wanted an independent educated opinion.
Sub does not want to be punished and wishes only to serve and please however he fantasises about going against my wishes and when I advise as to what the appropriate correction to his behaviour will be he becomes aroused ?
Surely he should be working to avoid punishment ?
Mudge

Hello Mudge,

So your submissive says he doesn’t want to be punished, he doesn’t like it. But when you talk about him doing something wrong and you punishing him, it turns him on. I hope I got that right.

I’m going to ramble a bit.

Many people (doms and subs alike) like the fantasy of the sub being ‘naughty’ and getting ‘punished’. I tend to call that ‘funishment’, it’s not real punishment, it’s part of a BDSM game. There is nothing wrong with it if you both enjoy it. But you both have to agree that it’s play, and you both have to understand how it works between you.

For example, you can give him some impossible task that you don’t care about (like picking out all the yellow M&Ms from a bowl within x minutes) and he fails (as you knew he would). You then play the game where you get all stern at him, and put him over your knee for failing and for being a bad bad sub… tsk tsk! Play ensues, you both get turned on, yay! This game can be played many many ways, and it *can* be lots of fun.

There is a big grey area there also, where playful bratting fits, or mild resistance may play a part and he acts up to get ‘funishment’ and you both enjoy it. If you (both) want to play that way, then you have to also be clear where the line is and you have to be able to say to him “I’m not in the mood for this, stop it” or it can become a real problem.

As a note, a lot of people dislike that kind of play. They much prefer that if he wants a spanking, he just asks for one please. You need to figure out what YOU like.

Having explained all that, that’s very different from him being a real pain in the arse and expecting you to react with a fun punishment.

For example, if you ask him to meet you somewhere and he turns up half an hour late and thinks it’s cute and he will get a lovely spanking for it, then you have a problem, obviously. That’s not cute, and it’s not fun. That’s him being an inconsiderate jerk.

So, if you are planning to have a punishment dynamic (and it sounds like you are), then don’t confuse punishment (consequence for undesirable behaviour) with ‘funishment’ (play) and *make sure he doesn’t either*. If he really does something wrong that you want to genuinely punish him for, then have a plan for how you are going to handle it and use punishments that are not fun for him.

I suggest that after expressing your disappointment and him apologising, you try something like this:

  1. Talk about it to understand what went wrong (from the example above, why was he late? What happened?). Do NOT go all ‘domly’ on him because that’s hot for him (for example, unless a shouty “WHAT HAPPENED HERE, BOY?! is your normal behaviour, don’t do that or he will think it’s a game)
  2. Figure out together how he will avoid making the same mistake in future (alarm on his phone if he forgot, leave earlier if it was traffic or he got lost etc)
  3. Agree the solution together and ensure that there is no misunderstanding
  4. Dole out a punishment that fits (for lateness, I’d do something like have him turn up half an hour early next time we were meeting so HE can wait for me)
  5. Kisses and sweetness to signal that it’s done and finished with

So yes, you should be expecting him to obey (and thereby not get punished), so don’t make punishment into a game that is fun for him.

I wrote a piece on punishment that you might find useful. You will see in the comments that some submissives might get aroused simply by the fact that you have the *power* to punish and are exercising it. I really don’t care about that, to me that’s fine. The main thing is not to make it into a game so that he will think that disobeying is a fun idea.

Best of luck.

Ferns

what would you like me to write about my younger years in the matinee cinema

I feel as if this is a code I should understand…

“The red tulip sits on the dusty sill while the walrus sings an aria…” *winks*

Ferns

I am sub but often I wonder if it is really possible for a sub to be loved and respected by his/her dom ? how can someone be respected and humiliated/hurt/etc at the same time ?

Yes! It really IS possible. I promise.

I think one of the reasons that being around others in real life or in online spaces where real relationships are discussed is because you get to *see* and *verify* that these are people in ‘normal’, loving, happy relationships. This contrasts heavily with little snippets of play-time that you get to see prolifically *everywhere*, where play might include pain and humiliation and other terrible-wonderful things. You need to look beyond that to see how real relationships work (and they are all different), then you will learn and believe that many things are possible.

*How* is it possible? Because love, adoration, desire, affection, passion are expressed in many ways and if you are stuck in the mindset that BDSM activities are somehow ‘mean’ or ‘disrespectful’, then you will really struggle with it. Try to reframe this to think of BDSM activities as mutually pleasurable ways to show affection, to get aroused, to turn each other on, to explore vulnerability, to express passion. And all of that happens in a relationship where you love and respect each other. THEN you will start to get there.

So yes, Virginia, there *is* a Santa Claus *smile*.

hi
thank you so much for your advice ( young struggling submissive man ) .. i joined fetlife and am beginning too snoop around … I had another question though … this time about dommes … what is it like coming to terms with being a dominant (does being a woman make a difference to it)? i ask coz it just hit me the other day that if I have struggled so much with my own desire then it must be a real paradox for a dom … wanting to hurt the one you love, etc…

You’re most welcome for the advice!

Just to clarify, not all dominants are sadistic. Some enjoy service and sensual play rather than hurty things.

Re sadists in general, though, I actually imagine that on the whole male sadists have it much harder than females. I mean, imagine being a young man struggling with feelings of wanting to hurt women. That’s a really scary thing to feel and an almost impossible thing to say out loud because NOBODY is going to pat him on the head and say ‘That’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that…’ Most people will be scared that he’s just a violent person who can’t exercise control, and will probably tell him that it’s wrong and bad.

Either way, I think the difficulty of ‘coming to terms with yourself’ when you are not squarely in the middle of ‘normal’ varies per individual.

Personally, I never had any real issues with coming to terms with how I am because in my experience men LOVE women who know what they want and will ask for, and expect it, so I have been lucky to get positive validation for being that way. I do also love pain play, but it was never a driver for me, so I never had an internal struggle with some ‘drive to hurt him’. When I play with pain as part of relating to my submissive, it always feels like we are in it *together* (versus me ‘doing things to him’ (which I am, obviously)).

But if you ask 10 different people, you will get 10 different answers.

Ferns

Want to ask me something, all anonymous and secret-like? Come on then!

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7 Comments

  1. An “interesting” mix there Ferns dear heart! To Isis re branding I wouldn’t recommend you do that yourself unless you REALLY know what you are doing the potential for disaster is enormous although you don’t seem keen on it anyway (It’s the bossy boots in me coming out… I know right ? Who’da thunk it)

    Coug

    1. Yes, I get all sorts. It’s great!!

      *smile* You can come and be the bossy boots safety police any time, though if you were really serious about it, you’d be all over the toxins in permanent markers, because probably THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU DEAD… DEAD, I TELL YOU!!! Come on woman, step it up!!!

      Ferns

  2. I was hoping you’d do a whole “outraged fisty waving” post on that very thing, complete with graphs and a flow chart so I could don my lab smock and safety goggles and give a STERN lecture to all you careless people out there about TEH DANGURZ and such like. *nods wisely*
    Coug

  3. Going to add some thoughts re: abuse. I am an abuse survivor (primarily emotional and incest abuse but the healing mechanisms are very similar). There are lots of things you can do to help, even long distance, but being involved with an abuse survivor is hell for both of you. The is no shame or failure in recognizing that you may not be able to be deal with the shit involved.

    There are lots of good books on books and healing from abuse, some written specifically for partners of abusers. They are great resources. Read some so that you have a bterr understanding of what he is going thorugh and how you can help.

    Do not expect quick improvement. I’ve been actively working on healing for nearly a decade and a half and was only able to walk into an adult store and buy myself a dildo for the first time a few weeks ago. Had a panic attack doing it too. Think about that, a decade and a half of work before I could buy a dildo to use for self pleasure, and I STILL can’t touch myself directly. Healing from abuse is long-haul stuff.

    It will get worse before it gets better. If he hasn’t previously dealt with his abuse, then the more he works through it, the more he will FEEL it, the worse he will get.

    Therapists are a crap shoot. There are still some goddamn profesisonal therapists who will say that beause he was a man, he couldn’t have been abused, that if he must have wanted it etc. Even the ‘good’ therapists are a mixed bag. I know the ‘proper’ advise is get a therapist, and frankly seeing a therapist is a good idea just so that someone who is trained is on the look out for dips into suicidal tendencies, but in my experience and that of most survivors I know, the majority of healing has come from meeting OTHER survivors. People who have actually been there, can share their experiencs, their techniques for coping, etc. So seriously suggest looking for support groups, local and online.

    He needs to be able to talk about it. One of the best tings you can do is to create a safe space for him to open up and talk. Abuse is like Lord Voldemort, you give it power by hiding from it. The more it can be brought into the light, te more is can be seen, acnowledged and treated… not as something normal, but as another shitty part of a shitty world, the better. The worst thing for an abuse survivor is to feel like that this massive thing that shaped their life and personality is some unspeakable monster that they need to hide from the world. Living in a closet isn’t healthy for anyone, and when you closet the abuse, you closet the survivor.

    D/s CAN be a powerful tool for healing from abuse. However I wouldn’t suggest trying to do this long distance during the early stages of healing. WHat you can do outside of D/s is help him establish his own personal ‘ground rules’. Part of what D/s does for a survivor is provide a framework of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. A survivor has been repeatedly ‘punished’ for things they have been told are their fault, but usually these ‘punishments’ have been totally arbitrary, leaving a survivor with a constant sense of instability and a desperate need to know what they are ‘supposed’ to do. Because they know, soul deep, that is they screw up they will be hurt. Helping a survivor establish for themselves ‘rules’ of what they are ‘supposed’ to do can help give them some stability. The benefit of D/s is the clear framework and passing of responcibility – you establish the rules, you dish out the punishments, all he needs to do is obe and not worry about establishing for himself what is right and wrong and not worry about the way the real world is often totally arbitrary. This grounding framework that D/s provides can be a powerful tool for a survivor, letting them focus on internal healing without constantly being thrown back into fear/uncertainty about how to function in daily life. But again, not a good tool for long distance.

    He will expect you to behave lke his abusers. Long after you feel like you should have proven you are ‘different’, he will still react as if you will abuse him if he does something you don’t like. I don’t know any survivor who has 100% gotten past this knee jerk reaction, but it does get better, or at least rarer, over time.

    I hope some of this helps. There are a few (sadly, very few) resources specifically for man who are survivors. Finding those specifically may help alot. Most resources are geared towards the assumption of a woman survivor and man abuser, which can actually make things worse for the man who is a survivor.

    Good luck.

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