Oh, there I am

Earlier this year, I talked about how I worry sometimes that I’ve lost the hunger that drives my dominance. It doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it only comes alive when I have someone I want to aim it at.

When I haven’t felt it for a while, it becomes like some distant thing. Vaguely remembered, but shadowy, intangible.

Even though it didn’t work out with bambi, I am beyond delighted and grateful that he was a perfect target for the hunger. It was especially strong in the beginning before the emotional complexity complicated things and muted it. I got to experience again how the feelings could become too big for my body, like I needed more and endless space into which to throw all this aggression and violence, like it could fill some bottomless chasm.

I felt like ‘me’ again, the me that is somehow inaccessible otherwise. The me that waits quietly, that feels sometimes like it has disappeared.

I’d almost forgotten what that part of me was like, how it felt, and oh my god, I’ve missed it. That I got to unleash it with a man who looked at me, opened his arms and said ‘bring it!’ was a relief and a joy, a reminder of what it is I want.

I wondered at times if I was going to be able to control it, all that ferocity and passion that I hadn’t let loose in what felt like forever.

At one point in the middle of assaulting him, I paused to breathe and he looked at me with what felt like shock.

“You are so… aggressive…” he said, and I felt a little flutter of concern. “Hot!” he added before he opened up to me again.

I grinned at him, all teeth and snarling desperate want.

Yeah, I know.

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  1. Thank you for writing this. I love the way you describe your hunger and Dominance. I am glad you were able to feel that again and I am sure when you find the right one it will come out full blown then. *laughs* Then we might have to call the poor boy an ambulance so he can walk straight again.

    “You are so… aggressive…” he said, and I felt a little flutter of concern. “Hot!”

    Ohhhh *swoon* I want aggression HOT damnit! lol *goes off to google search where I can buy me some aggression HOT. *sighs* Just have to wait *chuckles*


    1. *smile* Thank you, I’m glad you liked it.

      “Ohhhh *swoon* I want aggression HOT damnit!”

      Me too! And I’d really like it if I didn’t have to import it, that would make my life a lot easier!


  2. OMG, Ferns! Get out of my head!!!1!

    It’s like looking in a bloody mirror. That hunger is such a heavy thing and it’s so much sweeter with a target.

    I feel this in a good scene, like the world is a thousand times bigger and my ‘victim’ is an anchor. It’s amazing, really.

    1. OMG, Ferns! Get out of my head!!!1!

      *pokes around inside Miss Pearl’s head…* Oooh, shiny!

      “I feel this in a good scene, like the world is a thousand times bigger and my ‘victim’ is an anchor. It’s amazing, really.”

      I love that! Fascinating.

      If it’s going right for me, I feel like *I* am a thousand times bigger and my body is too fucking small to fit all of ‘everything’ in there, but I still want to bring him inside with me.

      So strange.


  3. It is such a powerful feeling and yet it slips away so easily and the memory of it can never really recreate the intensity of the moment.
    I’m glad you got to feel it and enjoy it so deeply. As you say, hot!

    Faile x

    1. It *is* powerful, and for me it *does* slip away. I almost start to feel like it is not only no longer accessible, but like I might have made it all up in the first place.

      *smile* I’m glad I got a little reminder of it also. Lucky me!


  4. That hunger is great to experience on either side of the D/s slash. As a submissive, I love feeling that hunger from a partner. It’s even better when I can feel her having to put the brakes on the hunger, because without doing so, it would get out of control.

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