I’m envious

en·vy
/ˈenvē/
Noun
A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.
Verb
Desire to have a quality, possession, or other attribute belonging to (someone else): “he envied tall people”; “I envy Jane her happiness”.

Envy whispers in my ear and tells me that I’m not happy, that I am missing something.

I don’t normally have envy. I try and tell it to fuck off, it doesn’t belong here.

I don’t usually look at other people’s loving relationships and wish I had that. Mostly other people’s happiness makes ME happy-bouncy-hopeful. I never look at someone’s achievements and wish I had that either. I’m not built that way. I don’t look at another person’s fabulous life and wish I was living it, no matter how wonderful it seems.

Generally, I’m a pretty happy, self contained sort, and I have enough positivity and potential and involvement in my own life not to feel envy.

But today, I feel pangs of envy in everything I see. Like this, and this, and this, and this *sigh*.

It’s not a nice feeling. In fact, it’s small and bitter and mean-feeling. It makes me feel like a small and bitter and mean person.

Envy is like an ugly little troll that scratches at my legs with filthy claws hissing, “Look… see?!! DO YOU SEE??!! YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THAT!!” And then it cackles (if this was a dream, the cackle would be super-scary, but since it’s not, it’s kind of impotently comical).

I want to kick the shit out of it and then stomp on its hideous warty head, but I know that even entertaining that thought gives the ugliness more power than it deserves. In fact, writing about it gives it more power than it deserves.

I’m trusting that it will be gone tomorrow.

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14 Comments

  1. You’re viewing envy negatively. Envy is only negative when it is used for hate. I can’t imagine you using it for hate. In fact, I imagine that you, maybe without even realizing it, use it for motivation for growth. Good use of envy equals growth!

    Many studies have proven envy can be used in good ways. “Take heart, it’s perfectly normal for people to look at others and wish to have what they have. Partly because it is in our nature to make changes; and partly because we really are not easily contented. The trick is to use that envy to better your life instead of using it to fuel your hate.

    Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/688710

    The photos you provide I find interesting. The first photo, you will find that don’t rush it. You are a good person Ferns and out there is a man who I *know* will be so *proud* to kneel at your feet beside you and look up at you lovingly. And then it will be others who will envy him.

    Second photo..I am not out there reading Lydia Davis’ writings because they do not captivate me. I have no interest in what she has too say or what is in her mind. I am however reading your blog and awaiting your writings because they *do* captivate me! Your readers hang on your every word. You just fail to realize just how much so.

    Third photo goes right back to your second. Don’t rush what you deserve. You will find it in time. I know that is hard to hear when you want it right now, but you will.

    Fourth photo..my tumblr.I smile everytime I am on your blog somehow it is such an honor truly. I find it really interesting you chose a photo on that tumblr considering part of the reason I made that was for your inspiration. Most importantly; however, I find it interesting because (and I know you aren’t going to believe me) but the very FIRST photo I wished I could have put up there..was YOURS. Yes she looks great and all but I would only give her one look honestly. However, if you had passed by I would do a double take. Because there are those who have the look and there are those who have the whole package and just don’t realize it. Looks only get people so far, its the total package that makes others want to be around you.

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

    I envy your writing all the time, that doesn’t make me a bad person that just means I love your writing style so much that I use that in hopes to one day grow into my own.

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

    1. “You’re viewing envy negatively. Envy is only negative when it is used for hate. I can’t imagine you using it for hate. In fact, I imagine that you, maybe without even realizing it, use it for motivation for growth. Good use of envy equals growth!”

      You are right, I DO view envy as a negative thing and I see your point that it CAN be positive for some people. I don’t think it is for me.

      I don’t think of myself using it for hate, though. It is just a petty nasty little feeling that doesn’t have any productive value for me.

      I think part of that is because I think that envy can lead to an endless dissatisfaction with yourself, who you are, what you have etc.

      When you (general ‘you’) compare what you have/do/are to other people, you will *always* come up short because there will *always* be people who are ‘better’ in some way, no matter what heights you reach for yourself.

      I can see how some people can use envy as inspiration, but it doesn’t work that way for me. Wanting what other people have, comparing myself to them, feeling envious is not motivational for me.

      I can be *inspired* by others, absolutely, but that’s a completely different feeling from envy. It’s more a ‘wow, that’s awesome! I can do that!’ That’s not how envy feels for me.

      I find the concept of reaching to get what other people have because I envy it to be quite depressing.

      “the very FIRST photo I wished I could have put up there..was YOURS.”

      *smile* Thank you!

      “I envy your writing all the time, that doesn’t make me a bad person that just means I love your writing style so much that I use that in hopes to one day grow into my own.

      *smile* Thank you for the compliment, and no, of course it doesn’t make you a bad person. If you can spin envy into something positive, your mental processes just work differently to mine.

      Ferns

      1. “I think part of that is because I think that envy can lead to an endless dissatisfaction with yourself, who you are, what you have etc.”

        Well shit I was all positive and putting a spin on things, and then you had to point out the dissatisfaction with yourself thing.

        When I think about it yes I guess sometimes,not all the time, I do actually do the envious dissatisfaction with myself thing. In fact, I seen some of it in my blog writing as proof. I think it depends with me on what I envy. Some lead to the “Wow I want to become like that!” and others can lead to a depression and feeling of inferiority in ways. A feeling like no matter how hard I strive I will never be enough.So yes I can actually understand the negative part of envy. I just try hard to focus on the positive envy instead.

        Respectfully,
        mysticlez

      2. I think focussing on the positives of any envy you feel and turning it into a driver to improve is great. I’d venture a guess to say that lots of people do that to great effect.

        If you do that, don’t overthink it! Attitude is everything.

        Ferns

  2. Sometimes I feel regular envy, but more often it manifests as disappointment in myself for not having the relationship or professional success I want. It’s so much worse than normal envy.

    1. I can understand that. I think you hit on why envy isn’t positive for me. It is surrounded by negative connotations of various sorts.

      I do think that ‘disappointment in self’ is a pretty standard part of ‘regular’ envy, though. Well, it is for me anyway. Also self pity. And maybe the desire to kill people…

      Ferns

  3. “It’s not a nice feeling. In fact, it’s small and bitter and mean-feeling. It makes me feel like a small and bitter and mean person.”

    While you may temporarily feel that way, let me assure you, that you are none of the above. Looking at it from another point of view. There is a lot about you that could be envied by others. For starters, you have a wonderful mind. You are intelligent, confident, wickedly clever as well as having a great sense of humor.

    You write wonderfully, and should you ever decide to, I’m certain that you could produce works that are the equal of anything else out there. Through your blog, you have built a community of followers, to whom you give wise, good, and caring advice. You have become an important addition to our daily lives… We all care about you!

    Let’s not even talk about your sexiness… OK, let’s! I’ve seen the pictures, and you’re beautiful, as well as all the other stuff. You put a lot of care and pride into who you are, and it shows. I wish I could be more like you!

    Right now, you may feel the harsh whisper of envy in your ear, but it’s a lie. Your life may not be just what you want at the moment, but I’m am certain that you’ll eventually get there.

    1. *smile* Thank you so much for the sweetness (and the kind flattery… *swoon*), slapshot, I appreciate it.

      And please rest assured that it was a fleeting moment of self indulgence, and not indicative of a general feeling I am carrying around with me.

      Ferns

  4. I’ve read Axe’s blog and practically cried with envy, so I understand where you’re coming from. I read your blog and wish I were as eloquent and poetic. But ultimately, I think that we all have those moments, then they pass. And as someone recently reminded me, when we look at anything online we are really only seeing 1% of their life. For all we know, the other 99% is boring or horrible. (Hopefully it isn’t, but you get my point)

    1. I started reading Axe’s blog way back when he was a country boy finding his feet in NYC and looking (without success!) for his Domme. I always wondered why no-one snapped him up. Now that he is engaged and happy, it’s so lovely! It has been an absolute delight to watch his story unfold. Cry with envy indeed!

      Thank you for the lovely compliment on my blog, and you are absolutely right about those moments being common and passing. Mine has passed already.

      Also you are spot-on about any blog being merely a slice of someone’s life (and then only what they/we want to present). I’m planning a post on that very thing. Maybe soon.

      Ferns

  5. Yup. We’ve established that we both are deeply envious. For me, the challenge is to see it, when it rears its head, as information, rather than as a call to arms, a requirement of action….

  6. I’m as envious of your tum as you are of my arse Ferns so does that makes us evens ?

    Coug

    I’m not going to mention how envious I am of your erudite wit and charm cos that’s obviously a given really

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