A week of posts

I want to write, but my head is still scattered. Last time I said this, I posted a butt picture as a kind of placeholder because the use of actual words seemed too big of a stretch. It didn’t help, I still feel the same. I am not really sure why it’s happening, but I don’t like it much. In fact, I don’t like it at all.

I have 65 draft posts here in WordPress, and I also have a ‘Postings’ document that is well over 200 pages of random thoughts, half baked ideas, almost-completed posts. Last night I trawled through them to see if I could muster up the interest to finish something and post it.

I suspect my face was fixed in a scowl as I skipped over words and thoughts, going ‘no, no no…’. Some of the drafts were actually pretty good; thoughtful, personal, interesting. But none of them felt relevant for right now. None of them were things I felt compelled to say out loud at the moment (and that’s what I post, really: Thoughts I feel compelled to get out on the page right now).

My mind is not functioning as normal. *I’m* not functioning as normal.

I’m not sleeping well, having lots of dreams, my moods are all over the place, I am feeling tired and distracted from myself. My mind feels fractured, and while I’m having no problem with day-to-day practical things and short-sharp bursts of concentration, complex abstract thoughts are currently out of my reach.

Frustratingly, I can’t put my finger on why this is going on to try and fix it. There is no distinct ‘feeling’ about it that I can address. I think my lack of desire and ability to write here is indicative of where my head is at. Perhaps that, more than anything else.

Maybe I am still in ‘introvert-recovery‘ mode and all of these are symptoms. I thought I was over it, was even looking forward to company. So I had a friend visit for a day on the weekend, went for dinner with my ex earlier this week, arranged lunch with my dad for tomorrow, arranged a date with a 6’5 cutie for next week (aww yeah, that got your attention didn’t it? *laugh*). I feel neutral and somewhat disinterested about all of that (versus the pressure of having to be social that I’d expect if I was in full introvert-mode).

So, here’s my plan: I am going to commit to writing something here every day for a week. Even if it’s just a few sentences of rambly irrelevance.

I want to see if it helps to break through this thing, whatever ‘this thing’ is, see if it will force me to engage the parts of my brain that are stubbornly refusing to co-operate with me.

Let’s see if I can’t kick start this thing *kick*.

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19 Comments

  1. “I’m not sleeping well, having lots of dreams, my moods are all over the place, I am feeling tired and distracted from myself. My mind feels fractured, and while I’m having no problem with day-to-day practical things and short-sharp bursts of concentration, complex abstract thoughts are currently out of my reach.”

    Maybe you are just tired of thinking and analyzing for right now. It happens, well to most people anyways. I don’t think it really happens to my mind. ~laughs~ *warm hugs*

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

    1. It feels like something different from tiredness. If I was to lose brain function due to some kind of illness or injury, I suspect this is what it would feel like.

      I’m not really worried, it will pass sooner or later. I just want to jog it along if I can.

      Ferns

  2. In the three and a half years I’ve been following you, I don’t recall you being in quite this place. Yes, there was the breakup project, but this is different to me. You have never written about dreams before.

    I wish there was something I could do to help, or at least point you in the right direction. Ordinarily, I would suggest that you see Dr. Ruinart for a quick pick me up, but I don’t think that will do.

    I am going to commit to writing something here every day for a week. Even if it’s just a few sentences of rambly irrelevance.

    I think this is a great idea. Not only might it fire up the recalcitrant parts of your brain, but I have found that even your rambly irrelevance tends to be insightful, well written, and always worth a read.

    All the best in setting things back aright, and *hugs*, just in case you could use some.

    1. *smile* I’ll take the hugs, and I suspect Dr Ruinart wouldn’t hurt at all!

      I have written before, and lightly, about having my head full of many random ideas and thoughts, and being unable to grasp any of them. They flit around and when I turn to look at them, they disappear. That’s not so unusual for me, and this feels something like that, only less whimsical and more ‘serious’ in an “I’m not fucking about now” kind of way.

      Ferns

  3. If it makes you feel any better… I haven’t been able to finish a post in months. The annoyance for me is everything is going well. I chalked it up to writers block at first, but now I’m wondering if I’ve simply lost interest with the blog.

    Though I sure hope that’s NOT your issue!

    1. *nod* I’m so glad to hear everything is going well with you.

      And I do get what you mean by the ‘lost in interest in the blog’ thing. I think it happens to most bloggers at some stage (and maybe it comes back, maybe not).

      I hope that’s not my issue either!! I don’t think so, I’m feeling this more widely than just about writing here. I think this is a symptom.

      Ferns

  4. Ferns,

    We’ll stick it out with you on a day-by-day basis whatever you post! Don’t feel any pressure to sugar-coat it for us. We like raw Ferns!

    Re: the feeling you describe… perhaps you’re just energy-or-wool-gathering for whatever is next!

    Nina.

    1. *smile* Thanks. I’m hoping it won’t be too dull or maudlin in this frame of mind.

      I like the thought of this feeling being wool gathering though!

      Ferns

  5. I’ve been in a similar state of mind before. Maybe it is an introvert thing since we have that in common. The last time was at the end of February and into March. I decided to join the month long blogging challenge NaBloPoMo. Basically we were given writing prompts everyday to blog about. It helped so much. Forcing myself to think and write about things I don’t normally, really cleared things up and got me past some blocks. I think its good for any writer who is blocked to find a way to change their typical train of thought, even if its only temporary. It seems to help a lot.

    1. That makes sense, the ‘stepping out from what you normally do’ to get past whatever is getting in the way.

      I’m glad that NaBloPoMo helped you (wow, those names!!). I guess I will see soon enough if this shifts my brain into gear in some way.

      Thanks for the ‘me too’ing, I appreciate it.

      Ferns

  6. Ferns,

    Your special thing is writing about your power; you have power over your followers so how about asking them for prompts over this next week?

  7. oh dear, but i kind of relate to what you’re feeling … am feeling a bit liboish myself at the moment … it will pass.

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