Thoughts and routines

I want to write glorious things. I want to write about snippets of play with bambi, I want to write about how I am feeling, I want to write about what happened, I want to write about what’s next, I want to write about a lot of things.

Truth is, I am scattered. My head is all over the place.

It’s not necessarily bad.

It’s just… confusing in there.

Sometimes my head swims with random thoughts and they all fly around and one of them gets my focus for a moment and then I let it go because I realise that one isn’t important, so I loosen my grip and grab the next one and it’s the same. In the meantime the heavy thought sits in the background, waiting. It’s like my psyche is hiding the important emotions because it knows I am not quite ready to tackle them just yet.

Bambi has been out of contact and I pinged him yesterday to check in. Not just to see if he was doing okay, to check that what we experienced hadn’t left a negative taste in his mouth, but also to get some reassurance for myself. I could feel a niggling darkness touching at the edges of my mind and I wanted to shut it down. He is doing fine, he is busy, catching up with friends, socialising, allaying the loneliness he felt when he was here. He is excited about future relationship possibilities, about glimpses of ‘what-could-be’ that he felt with me. That makes me happy, and relieved, and a little sad.

As for me, I am trying to settle back into simple routines. Routines are important to me, perhaps too much so. They make me feel in control, they create a metronomic rhythm that feels like comfort. Touchstones that quiet me, put me at ease, give me predictable distractions so that my mind quiets.

So today: Coffee, scrambled eggs, gym, healthy food, writing, music, random internets. Maybe a body surf if the weather holds.

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16 Comments

  1. “It’s like my psyche is hiding the important emotions because it knows I am not quite ready to tackle them just yet.”

    Your psyche will know when you are ready just as much as you will. I do the same.

    “That makes me happy, and relieved, and a little sad.”

    It is sad when you want it to be with you and then it doesn’t work out that way for whatever reason.

    Wish could think of something else to say but can’t right now so I may be back ~laughs~

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

    1. Thanks, I appreciate the support.

      I’m hoping that by the time my psyche decides I am ready that I will open the drawer and instead of sadness, pretty butterflies will flutter out *smile*.

      Ferns

  2. I recognize this so well, having been through it fairly recently. At first, I let all those fleeting, random thoughts just ricochet around in my head for a while, all the time knowing that my psyche was lurking in the background. I fully expected that sooner or later, it pounce on me, like a deadbeat brother in law, sucking the marrow out of my bones and making my life miserable.

    It never happened. I’m not saying that there were never some moments of sadness, but they were small enough for me to pick up, hold, and put into proper perspective. I also learned a thing or two about myself and what I really need and want in life.

    I realize that we are different people, and our situations were not the same, but I believe that a long bout of wrestling with heavy emotions and sadness is not inevitable. I sincerely hope that your road back is as smooth as mine was and that life returns to normal, for both of you, very soon.

    *HUGS*

    Oh, right… and I completely concur with you on the matter of routines. As boring as they may be, from time to time, having a set routine, for as many things as I can, has helped me tamp down my more chaotic tendencies.

    1. “like a deadbeat brother in law, sucking the marrow out of my bones and making my life miserable.”

      *laugh* Yes, just like that.

      I’m hoping it doesn’t happen also. I know for sure that it’s not going to hit my like I thought (or it would have already), so I might get away with it.

      “…having a set routine, for as many things as I can, has helped me tamp down my more chaotic tendencies.”

      I worry that I might like them too much in a “Hello old age!” kind of way *smile*. Eh whatever. 4.30pm… dinner time!

      Ferns

  3. I found this to be glorious Ferns. If only for its simple self awareness, and the inherent courage in sharing the recent adventure with the world in this manner.

    Thanks for being a great example.

  4. Ferns

    First, *mega-hugs*!

    Second, routine is good; life is good; sun and surf is good; it’s really all good!

    Third, process as much as you need to when you need to… there’s no need to force it.

    Fourth, more *mega-hugs*!! You are the bestest person I e-know!

    1. *smile* Thanks so much for the *mega* hugs!! Woah!! And also for the loveliness.

      Oddly, I feel like I am not even really processing anything. I feel a little out of touch with what is going on with me. I’m okay with it though, and as you suggest, I’m not going to try and force anything.

      Ferns

  5. I’m sorry to see you still all over the place. But it’s nice to know that you are getting back at it. I’m sure we can all relate to what you are going through right now. So along with everyone else,
    *BIG HUGS*

    Also I wanted to echo that you are one of the best people I e-know as well!

  6. “Sometimes my head swims with random thoughts and they all fly around and one of them gets my focus for a moment and then I let it go because I realise that one isn’t important”

    Know this feeling all too well. Hang in there.. and big hugs!

    1. @ Miss Ferns,

      I am glad that you are now allowing yourself the time to think of your one true suitor – myself, Miss Ferns.

      And I want to know how you make scrambled eggs. Mine always come out rubbish, no matter what I do.

      1. @puppy: I am thinking of you, of course, but given your confession of scrambled egg disasters, I’m now rethinking that decision.

        Microwave scrambled eggs:

        In a large mug, put:

        2 eggs
        A dash of milk
        A dollop of butter

        Whisk (do a proper job!)
        On high for 1m30s in the microwave

        Remove, whisk again. Check consistency. Should be still quite wet at this stage (if not, you need more milk).

        Back into the microwave for 10-20s depending on consistency. If unsure, do 10s at a time.

        Whisk again between blasts.

        Should be light, fluffy, moist.

        On a plate, season with salt and pepper.

        Serve while wearing cuffs and cute boxers.

        You’re welcome.

        Ferns

    2. @Wicked Maggie: *chuckle* Sometimes I think that feeling might actually be my default…

      Everything in there seems misty and floaty, none of it solid or grabbable (is SO a word!).

      Today, though, I can blame a hangover, so there’s that. Heh.

      Ferns

  7. I remember reading your words with such a heavy heart, that you wouldn’t be a couple.

    There are so many forms of togetherness but deep down I feel that same need that you do. The need to be with and to love the boy while holding his heart in one hand, wrapping the other round his throat.

    Could it be that such a thing is possible? I hoped so for you and I hope so for me.

    1. I do believe it’s possible, yes.

      I just think it’s very difficult to find. It’s really no different from finding a vanilla partner: Even though the vanilla pool is sooo much bigger, it’s still really difficult. Most people will simply not be a match, unfortunately. I wish it weren’t so!

      Ferns

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