posted by on about me, bambi, musing

I had a month with bambi, a week and a half to myself after he left, then this past weekend, I had four days staying with my sister and niece.

If you aren’t an introvert, this doesn’t sound like anything much.

If you ARE an introvert, you might understand when I say that I am tapped out. Socially and emotionally, I am completely empty.

And this happens even though the people I was spending time with were perfectly lovely. That makes no difference whatsoever.

Right now, I feel like an empty void, and if I have to talk to ONE MORE PERSON, I swear I will tear their head off just for expecting me to make nice and maintain the most basic level of polite interaction.

There is a ‘thing’ that happens when I find a partner who matches me. They come into my ‘inner circle’, and they feed me instead of draining me. It is, I imagine, how extroverts feel about people in general, or about friends, whether they are casual or really close.

For me, I really don’t feel that with anyone except my very closest friends, and my partner (and actually, even with close friends, I sometimes can’t do it). I struggle to not just shut down when I have to keep bringing social energy into a situation. I find it exhausting, trying, and *really* hard work, and I can feel my reserves being sucked dry as time drags on and I have to keep it up. It makes me edgy and cranky and resentful.

It’s not their fault. At all. I recognise that, so I heap a healthy dose of guilt on top of the strong desire to just sneak out of the place and get some solitude.

This is not really a whining post, though it might sound like one. I am really pondering how my introversion gets sidelined when someone is a good fit for me.

When it works with someone, I crave their company, and instead of feeling drained by them, I feel energised in all the right ways: I feel my synapses firing all ‘pow powpow’ on multiple levels. Intellectually, emotionally, physically it feels like I crackle with this wild positive energy, I am excited by them, they inspire me, I am beside myself to see what happens next with them, and I just want to dig deeper and get more and more.

In short, when I am enamoured, I feel like they are ‘inside the bubble’ with me, and everyone else is outside, so with them, I am immunised from all of my normal ways of feeling. And that’s why it works.

I just need to find it, is all…

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63 comments

  1. mysticlez
      • mysticlez
  2. slapshot
  3. Naja
  4. wednesday
      • mysticlez
  5. MrEllen

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