Bambi post-mortem

Bambi
So this is the ‘what happened’ post.

Firstly let me say that Bambi is fucking lovely. Seriously. He’s adorable and smart and sweet and willing and funny and sexy and passionate and quirky and pretty and and… *shrug*… all sorts of good things.

We just… didn’t work together.

Intellectually and emotionally, we got nothin’. We talked about it, were both frustrated by it, mused about ways to fix it, but we just didn’t fit together.

Intellectually, we didn’t fire each other up. One of the things I want in a partner is someone who I find endlessly fascinating, and who finds me endlessly fascinating. You know what I mean: When you sit around talking, the conversation just flows effortlessly around topics that have you both excited and engaged and enthusiastic, and when you look up from this little bubble, you realise that hours have passed and woah how did that happen, and you feel incredibly in tune and close and sweet. And you can’t wait to do it again.

Yeah, we didn’t do that. Couldn’t do it. If I simplify our interactions, they looked a bit like this:

“You know what’s fascinating? X!!!”
“Um… no it’s not. But Z is totally fascinating!!”
“Z? No. Really?! *sigh*

And even more (and worse!) than that, not only were we not fascinated and curious about the same things, we weren’t fascinated and curious about *each other*. I’m not sure why. But we just weren’t.

Then without the intellectual ‘click’, we couldn’t connect emotionally.

Emotionally, I am reserved and cautious, which is why I like the dreamy-eyed boys who brim over with unrealistic optimism and flights of fancy. They throw a palette of wildly-coloured open emotionality at my feet, and I toss pebbles into it and watch the colours swirl, and when I have an idea how the ripples flow, when I know how deep it is, I will finally finally dive in.

Bambi is actually more like me than not; reserved, self contained, logical, rational. So emotionally we were kind of like two brick walls with a big space of the intellectual void between us. I thought I could find a way to crack the barrier, get under it, dig around, bring out something more. I was reluctant to give up on him. But I couldn’t touch more than the surface.

So yeah, we didn’t have intellectual OR emotional compatibility. Couldn’t create it. Couldn’t make it happen. Even though we both really wanted it to work and were baffled that it didn’t, it just didn’t.

Don’t get me wrong: We got along well enough. We had fun together, we were sweet and kind with each other, we laughed together, we held hands, and touched, and hung out in the world as if were a couple, and the small hints of D/s worked, but there was no depth of feeling behind it.

[writing all of that makes me sad]

Physically, though. Oh my. The sexual chemistry worked WITHOUT any of the above. Wow. My style of play worked beautifully with him, and he lit me up in exactly the right ways to give me what I wanted. He was wonderfully responsive with me, active and aggressive and hot, and he gave back a fabulous energy that made me want more. The kissing, the play, the connection, the energy, the aggression, the sex, the sweetness, the violence, the tenderness, and oh my, did I mention the kissing. Guh!! IT ALL WORKED SO FUCKING WELL!!!

This never happens with me. Mostly if I don’t feel a connection, I have zero sexual interest. But not with bambi.

Unsurprisingly though, without the rest, I wasn’t able to get the depths I wanted to reach with him. But still, we were able to create a lot of really wonderfully sweet and intense moments that I will hold close for a long time to come. I got to give him some of his ‘firsts’ which is something really special for me (and hopefully for him also). He said he had the best orgasm he had ever had in his life, and felt the worst pain he had ever felt in his life – both of those make me happy. He could make me come more often and more easily than I could do myself, and he was at his happiest when I had him do that. And when I told him what a good boy he was afterwards, he purred with pleasure. Guh, hot!

There in play, I got to see glimpses of the gooey-eyed vulnerable boy that he was capable of being. I had a little access to all the parts of him that I couldn’t reach elsewhere, and vice versa. In play, I was willing to step into the void and I knew he would come with me, that it would work, that he was willing and eager to go there with me.

There, and no-where else.

I’m really glad that he came out here, not just for the play (though there is that!), but because the ‘what ifs’ would have been excruciating if left untested. I am grateful that he was fearless enough to make the trip.

I am also glad that I didn’t fall into the sadness I expected to experience after he left. I am disappointed because all of that lovely hopeful potential and wishful thinking didn’t go anywhere, THAT’s sad, but it was absolutely worth a try. It’s *always* worth a try.

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34 Comments

    1. *smile* Adorable puppy is adorable! *pat pat*.

      It *is* sad (because fuck it, I should just have my perfect relationship right NOW!!), but not SAD (as in ‘waaaahhh… my heart!!’), if you know what I mean.

      I do like puppies though.

      Ferns

      1. Just to clarify I don’t feel sad for you but that it didn’t work and that’s just not fair! *stamps foot all cantankerous like* I gave an order it should work and it didn’t… someone will PAY!

        Coug

  1. Hey Ferns,

    I’ve only commented on here once or twice before but I felt the need to chip in here with a somewhat strange sentiment: I don’t feel sad for you.

    What I mean is, I recognise that it IS a sad state of affairs when a relationship doesn’t work out for whatever reason, but reading your account of this sad situation somehow comes across as…uplifting. This post, and your writing in general, is always life-affirming and beautiful even when things aren’t going well. You show tremendous respect for the people in your life and throw yourself into things so well that…I don’t feel sad for you. I feel happy to be on this journey (to a very small extent) with you.

    1. Thank you so much for chipping in. I don’t really feel sad for me either.

      Of all the times I try, MOST will not work out. That’s the truth, and that’s life. Hopefully each time I learn something, and best case, I get something out of the experience. I did both this time, and that’s no small thing.

      “This post, and your writing in general, is always life-affirming and beautiful even when things aren’t going well.”

      *smile* Even though I am not at all pollyanna-ish, it makes me happy that you see something positive in it. And I really love that you are coming along on this journey with me!

      Thank you for sharing such lovely thoughts.

      Ferns

  2. The “Like” is for your wisdom and clarity in being able to identify the needs that weren’t being met, while still enjoying what was there.

    Thank you for doing this where we can see — it’s a model.

    1. Thank you for the ‘Like’.

      Putting it out in public is strange, especially because I only share the high level and there is *so much more* in the detail, in the small things. The snapshots into my life feel lacking to me (‘my life under strobe-lights’ sort of thing), so I am really glad you get something out of it.

      And I am lucky (or wise, whichever way you want to look at it) because I choose emotionally mature men with whom I can talk about these things. It was totally mutual (how often does that happen?!), and that, plus being able to talk about it, made it so much easier.

      Ferns

  3. It’s sad that things didn’t work out but at least you explored it and answered those what if questions. Sometimes having those hang over you can fuck with your head.

    I also find it interesting you had sexual and D/s chemistry without the rest. I can’t muster an interest to play without the rest but after reading this I wonder if I’ve passed on great play because of it. I think I shall be more open minded moving forward. :)

    Thanks for sharing this. I know it’s not easy to discuss this kind of thing publicly but know that in doing so, you have, at the very least, made me reconsider my outlook in one area. And I’m sure I won’t be the only one.

    1. Yes, the ‘what-iffing’ can drive you mad! It’s just a shame that most boys I like are so far away, so the exploration is always a Really. Big. Deal.

      “I also find it interesting you had sexual and D/s chemistry without the rest. I can’t muster an interest to play without the rest but after reading this I wonder if I’ve passed on great play because of it. I think I shall be more open minded moving forward. :)”

      You and I are so alike in that. This has NEVER happened to me before.

      I might write more about *why* it worked at some stage because it surprised me that it did. BUT I don’t think I could have sustained it for any length of time and continued to feel good about it (that is, a long term FWB thing wouldn’t work for me, I am pretty sure). I think the fact that it was time-bound was a factor in making it work.

      Ferns

  4. *hugs*

    Thank you for sharing this with such insight and self-awareness. I was feeling a bit bad for being one of the many who urged you to go for it with Bambi, only to not see the fairy tale ending.

    I am so glad YOU’RE glad he came out regardless of the outcome. And I’m glad you’re not stuck on the sadness and found lots to be happy about.

    I hope Bambi continues his journey and doesn’t let this derail him – he seems to have a lot of potential for the right person.

    ~ S

    1. Thank you for the hugs!

      No need to feel bad. I think my readers mostly ALL say (or think!) “GO FOR IT!!!” no matter what *laugh*. I know most are jonesing for a happy ending. ONE DAY THERE WILL BE ONE!!

      As for bambi, I’m pleased to say that he is doing fine. He’s also sad that it didn’t work out, but feels optimistic that he *can* find what he wants in a future relationship (I am taking full credit for that, I don’t care if that’s fair or not!). And yes, when she finds him, I have no doubt that it is going to amazing for both of them.

      Ferns

  5. We just… didn’t work together

    Sucks when that happens but what you truly deserve is still out there waiting for you.

    “One of the things I want in a partner is someone who I find endlessly fascinating, and who finds me endlessly fascinating….”

    ~sigh sadly~ Yes all of that! I miss that more than anything!!

    “You know what’s fascinating? X!!!” I am sure this was a mistake you made in writing while being tired. I need to know what X was!! Ugh! ~laughs~

    “…we weren’t fascinated and curious about *each other*.”

    I have not had the pleasure of meeting you in person and already could not imagine ever NOT being fascinated and curious about you. I could; however, imagine you very much being completely bored by me. ~laughs~

    “Emotionally, I am reserved and cautious…” *sarcasm*

    I would have NEVER guessed this about you! *sarcasm*

    “I got to give him some of his ‘firsts’ which is something really special for me (and hopefully for him also).” “And when I told him what a good boy he was afterwards, he purred with pleasure. Guh, hot!”

    That is absolutely hot and also beautiful. I can imagine he entrusted those firsts to you because of how really special you consider that. And the “and when I told him what a good boy he was afterwards…” yeah that would make me purr with pleasure too. Coming from the right person those words I imagine can make a boy/boi melt.

    “…but it was absolutely worth a try.

    It’s *always* worth a try.” Yes, it is! Even if nothing but friendship comes of it, you gave it a try and you had the experience!

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

    1. ““You know what’s fascinating? X!!!” I am sure this was a mistake you made in writing while being tired. I need to know what X was!! Ugh!”

      *laugh* Not a mistake. ‘X’ was pretty much *everything we talked about ever*.

      “I have not had the pleasure of meeting you in person and already could not imagine ever NOT being fascinated and curious about you. I could; however, imagine you very much being completely bored by me.”

      Well, I appreciate the thought (though not the self deprecation!), but here’s the thing: Neither bambi nor I could have imagined that we would not be fascinated by each other (though to be perfectly frank, I DID have some concerns before we met… I really must *listen* to my inner voice!). If we had believed that would be the case, we would never have met, so it was a weird and not-very-pleasant surprise.

      So yeah, the distance can obfuscate things that you might have discovered after a simple date or two.

      “Even if nothing but friendship comes of it, you gave it a try and you had the experience!”

      Yes, so true.

      Ferns

  6. Thanks for sharing, Ferns!

    Your forthrightness and willingness to do what’s “right” are very inspiring!

    *mega-hugs*

  7. I’m glad you’re taking such a realistic view of the situation. For a lot of people, that only comes with lots and lots of time. While it sucks that it didn’t work out, I’m happy you both shared some fantastic experiences.

    1. NIPPLEEEE!! *laugh*

      I’m happy there was so much goodness in it also. I consider myself very lucky in that regard (him too, for the record… heh).

      Ferns

  8. *hugs you both*

    On the bright side, I love that you both were able to communicate with each other and didn’t let the lack of the connection you hoped for get in the way of enjoying yourselves. Rather thoroughly from the sound of it, one must add! ;)

  9. Ferns, thank you for posting this. I was definitely wondering what happened and you describe the situation very well.

    There are many areas of compatibility which sometimes we don’t even think about, that it is very tough to find someone compatible enough for a great long term relationship.

    I agree with bunny that it was a bit uplifting to read this. That you did have such special chemistry during play and also such great respect for one another despite the incompatibilities, speaks well for when you do find someone who is a better match in those areas.

    “I am also glad that I didn’t fall into the sadness I expected to experience after he left.”

    That is good. Maybe it is an indication that you are ready to actually find the right one for you.

    -Bluebonnet1’s Ted

    1. “There are many areas of compatibility which sometimes we don’t even think about, that it is very tough to find someone compatible enough for a great long term relationship.”

      Truer words never spoken. It *is* tough.

      “Maybe it is an indication that you are ready to actually find the right one for you.”

      I’ve been ready for at least 18 months!! COME ON ALREADY, UNIVERSE!!

      Thank you for your kind thoughts, it’s much appreciated.

      Ferns

  10. So often, when things don’t work out, there is anger, blame, recriminations, and just general immaturity. You both made the best of it, and will (I hope) continue to be friends.

    While I’m sad for you that it wasn’t meant to be, I’m happy for both of you, for all the good things that happened.

  11. Totally off-topic question: Is there some kind of convention with wordpress posters that you have to link to previous posts within your own post ?

    1. Nope. I have two reasons for doing it:

      1. Hey look lovely reader, I’ve written more about this thing I’m talking about here [link] if you want to see what I said.

      and

      2. Hey content-stealing-fuckface, I can’t do anything about you stealing my content, but I sure can put in some links [link link fucking link] to my original site so people know where you stole it from.

      Ferns

  12. While the story itself is sad I’m happy to hear you had some great stories from it all!! So with that, I hope that the perfect guy materializes in front of you one of these days. Until then I’ll just keep my fingers crossed that the next one works out.

  13. And I know I have written this to you, but I feel it strongly (as one who married too young forever ago) – being older and wiser is SUCH a good thing. Immaturity could mask things…in other words, the sexual chemistry could have hidden much. Or immaturity could have caused one of you to think that was enough and the rest would come later, etc. I wish I was that self-aware when I was younger!
    Big hugs!
    MKimm

    1. “Immaturity could mask things…in other words, the sexual chemistry could have hidden much.”

      You are SO right, and I am super-impressed that HE brought it up for discussion first. I had felt the disconnect also, but I was in ‘fix-it’ mode to see if I could address it before bringing it up. His mature honesty and self awareness was wonderful (another reason why I am so bummed that it didn’t work… grrrr!).

      Thank you for the hugs and the support *hugs back*.

      Ferns

  14. I read the above comments, several of them and the responses and since it’s been a long day I will save you my speech about how young does not equal immaturity and older does not necessarily equal maturity. Yes, I will save you this since I am tired and I am sure noone wants to hear it anyways. ~laughs~

    mysticlez

    1. I re-read the comments and only saw one that said anything about age and I read it as very personal and not at all a general comment on age and maturity.

      MKimm is glad she is older and wiser now than when she was younger. And she sees a maturity in bambi that she didn’t have when she was his age. Her comment that EITHER of us could have been immature enough to try and mask what wasn’t working was also not related to age.

      I’m not sure where you are reading comments that need a speech (though if you DID want to comment on ageism, I’d suggest this post, where I pretty much insulted ALL ages!).

      Ferns

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