Pay attention to meeeee!!
2013
Dumb Domme wrote a really great personal post about sometimes wanting some extra attention from her submissive and struggling with how to get it (especially as he is somewhat long distance). I don’t want to paraphrase her thoughts about it. Go read it.
I responded in the comments with this:
I want attention, but MORE than that, I want him to be all over that shit. As soon as I have to *ask* for it, I have spoilt at least 50% of the goodness in it. He should be bouncing around me all puppy-like just aching to give me attention that I can tap into with something as simple as a ‘hey, you’. I expect to have *all the sweet and lovely attentions*!!!!
Like Dumb Domme, I don’t need a lot of attention, for me it’s more that I need to know it’s ‘on tap’ when I want it. That was my point with the puppy-like thing, and the ‘Hey, you’ should be enough to tap it.
It works like this:
Me: Hey, you
Him: YOU YOU YOU!!! I missed you, how are you, are you good, come talk to me, you are so lovely, yayayayayayyyy… so excited!!! *showers me with attention and sweetness*
*laugh* Okay, I am exaggerating, but you get the idea there.
Having to actually ‘ask for it’ looks more like this:
Me: Hey, you
Him: Hey
Me: Whatcha doin’?
Him: Nothin’
…
Me: Pay attention to meeeeeee!!!
If I have to ask for it versus ‘tapping into it’, it doesn’t feel the same. Having said that, he’s obviously not a mind reader, so it’s inevitable that I will sometimes have to make my need for extra attention known.
I know that it’s kind of lame to say “if I have to ask it’s not as good” because one of the big advantages of a D/s relationship is that I get to ask for what I want: he can feel secure in the fact that if I want something I WILL ask, and he will be delighted to give it to me. Cue happiness. That whole ‘you should just do that thing, and know when to do it, and if you don’t, well you suck!’ is a terrible throwback to passive aggressive vanilla behaviour.
Regardless, I think there is often a difference between what you *know* and how you *feel*, and while you can sometimes work to bring them together, that gap is really not so unusual. I *know* I shouldn’t think that way with the ‘if I have to ask, it’s not worth as much’, but I can still *feel* it. I mean, if I am *not* getting all of the attention I want, ‘why doesn’t he know me well enough to know that right now I need ALL THE ATTENTION!!?!’ *hurt face*.
I have learnt to ‘fool my emo-brain’ by framing some things that could be considered ‘neediness’ as acts of dominance. This makes getting things from him that address my vulnerabilities in some way less fraught for me. By this I mean that I am better at *demanding* attention (“Give me some attention, NOW!”), than asking for it (“Can you please come and pay some attention to me?”). They are the same thing, but the latter makes me feel kind of whiny and needy, which makes me feel vulnerable, and not in a good way.
My go-to is “PAT ME!!!”. It’s a demand I make when I want sweetness, and depending on the situation, the ‘patting’ can take many different forms (from me laying my head in his lap and having him literally pat me, to him figuratively patting me with words if we are apart). It’s totally a ‘be sweet to me, I’m down/lonely/feeling distant/want you closer/something’ kind of demand that I am 100% comfortable using, and he becomes used to hearing it as ‘come and be sweet to me’, which is exactly right.
A question: Do you struggle with asking for extra attention when you want it? Why? How do you deal with it?
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I laughed but I really love this topic you and D are discussing. On reflection, I used to tell this one guy something similar to your “Pat me!” when I needed it, and he laughed but did it, and it was exactly what I needed. He came to understand that that was all I needed, and I think he appreciated that he didn’t have to worry about reading my mind because I’d told him what I wanted from him and he could focus on delivering it.
I think for a LDR you’re going to have to try various ways to get the acts and words that give you the emotional reassurance you need, and then secondly to get comfortable with asking for it once you know it. I think that knowing the first part would resolve a lot of the anxiety about the second (asking for it), but that’s something I’m guessing at.
*smile* I can relate to the thing where he laughs, and it’s a reason why I like ‘PAT ME!!!’. It’s kind of a ridiculous thing to say (terribly childish for one!), so it is light hearted enough not to be all emo, but it totally works.
LDRs are hard in so many ways, and I do think if you *can’t* get the extra ‘whatever’ for some reason, then it will start to become an issue.
Ferns
What are your thoughts on the opposite case — too much attention? Is something you’ve encountered? How did you deal with it?
Not really. My post was about *extra* attention, and if my boy wanted to give me *extra* attention for the same kinds of reasons, I’d be perfectly happy to indulge him.
I like smart thoughtful attention and I like puppying, and unless I wasn’t *interested* in him, I can’t imagine getting too much of that kind of positive attention from my boy (because generally when I am really into someone, I honestly can’t get enough of them).
If their over-attentioning was annoying to me (because it was the wrong type of attention or because I wasn’t that into him), then presumably I would see that early on and wouldn’t get into a relationship with him in the first place.
As I think about this, I do think there is a pretty thin line between ‘wanting OR giving attention’ and ‘being a needy energy suck’, and where that line is is different for everyone.
Great question, thank you.
Ferns
I’m in a LDR that has been off and on again for the last year and a half and now on for the last 5 months. LDRs are difficult, especially when it comes to the “I am needy” part which seems to come up far more often than if he was within reach. I think it really intensifies that feeling of needing a touch or connection from them because of the distance. We are states away and do see each other at least once a month.
I hate ‘feeling’ needy also!!!! It’s uncomfortable and zaps me of strength. So what do I do? Well, I know my submissive better than anyone and know what I can say in a text to him that will get him into that space for one thing. I don’t use it too often…but it works every time. His language will change in his text…answering with “Yes please Mistress” etc… and I can sense him softening and hanging on every word he receives from me. This feeds my soul!
I don’t play this card often, because I want it to be fresh and new each time.
He also knows I love when he plans special trips for us. It’s hard for me to say to him….”It’s been too long, when am I going to see you.” So when he says, “We need to get away together” and plans a special weekend for us…that speaks volumes to me and eases some of that need.
I know it would be different if he was close by, within reach. Not having that luxury gives room for doubt and all kinds of mind games our thoughts can flood us with…hence creating that uncomfortable “needy feeling.”
I move forward, living day by day. Hoping someday that distance shrinks.
~ Vista
I think you’ve really captured a lot of the difficulties with LDRs really well, and I’m glad yours is still going strong.
I totally agree that if you are in the same space, this happens so much less. Really simple things like a touch in passing, a quick kiss, are enough to make those little connections during the day, so the need for *extra* attention is often pretty easily mitigated (special circumstances notwithstanding).
Thank you for sharing some of the things that work for you, and I hope the distance shrinks for you both also.
Ferns
I never ask I just demand constant attention after all it IS all about me ;)
Coug
Yes, well, she with the cattle prod gets whatever she wants whenever she wants it!
Ferns
Well except for you Ferns my dear :( You appear to be cattle prod proof
Coug
I’ll get you my pretty and your little dog too etc etc
In my case I let her know how I’m feeling, then she decides how (if at all) that neediness is met. Being in an LDR makes it more difficult sometimes, but being hers makes every difficulty totally worth it.
Ahh… another LDR. Yes, difficult.
“In my case I let her know how I’m feeling, then she decides how (if at all) that neediness is met.”
Specifically with extra attention, do you have a particular *way* of telling her that you need it? Is it an easy thing for you?
Ferns
Thank you for the reminder of just how overindulged I am by my boy. ;-)
Ha! You’re most welcome!
Ferns
I think DD hit the nail on the head. We hate asking for attention because it makes us feel needy. And feeling needy makes me feel less in control. I struggle with this too.
*nod* I think that’s right for me too, which is why I have a ‘go-to’ demand that makes it feel less needy-pathetic for me.
I think that one of the reasons I enjoy vulnerability in my submissive so much is because I’m so bad at it, so I am kind of in awe when I see it.
Ferns