Hunger games

I speak often about the hunger that drives my dominance. Really, when I am in it, that’s all I write about, in different ways, with different contexts: I am essentially just saying the same thing over and over.

I have a passionate crazy hunger that I ache to let loose, that I look to escalate and satiate, a feeling that makes me want to strip the very skin off my boy’s bones so I can shove myself inside him.

When I’m single, and it’s dormant, though, I wonder if it ever existed at all. I remember it, of course, but it seems out of reach, and I worry that I’ve lost it, used it all up somehow, that maybe, just maybe, there is none left.

I often wish that I could raise that feeling in myself, tap into it, just to test it out, experience it rising in my chest, making everything quicksilver and lightning. To remind myself. But that happens rarely, that the feeling of it comes unprompted, undirected. There was one time when I went trawling CollarMe for someone to let loose on, but even that desire was triggered by a boy who was too far away to get my grasping, greedy hands on.

It is frustrating when I talk to some fabulous, smart, funny, interesting man, and I try to find that spark: I dig around for it, *willing* it to be there, because I really like him and I want him to bring it, but if it just isn’t happening, there is fuck-all I can do about it. When I have to finally admit that it isn’t there, I have a little knot of unfair blame that sits in my chest because he didn’t, or couldn’t, inspire those feelings in me even though I know full well that it’s not his fault.

For me domination is not the default, it’s the exception.

I’m always looking for the exception.

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23 Comments

  1. On the flip side, not every smart, funny, interesting woman gives me the feeling of vulnerability that drives my submissiveness, either. If I hadn’t found a wonderful play partner who does bring that out in me, I might have given up looking by now.Saturday can’t get here soon enough.

    1. I do get sad at times, of course, and while I am not in a funk about it, I do think this post is tinged with a little sadness along with the frustration.

      I get frustrated with *myself* because I struggle to find what I want (why the fuck am I so damn difficult?!), and I do wonder sometimes if I will ever find it again, and feel ‘it’ again, and there *is* some sadness (and fear) in that thought.

      My desire ebbs and flows and I don’t *need* it (a partner, a relationship, D/s), but sometimes I want it so damn much that I manufacture the possibility when it’s not really there. More frustration.

      Anyway, you *should* be sad, just in case it helps somehow.

      Ferns

  2. I love to see how you OWN your hunger! It’s sexy. I have felt brushes of that hunger, but always when I AM single, so the craving feels rather like obsessive limerence and it scares me. But to meet someone who WANTS to be consumed by me … I can’t even imagine how incredible that must be.

    1. “I love to see how you OWN your hunger! It’s sexy.”

      *smile* Thank you.

      “I have felt brushes of that hunger, but always when I AM single, so the craving feels rather like obsessive limerence and it scares me.”

      I understand exactly what you mean, and my foray onto CollarMe *was* due to limerence of a kind that couldn’t be satisfied.

      But to meet someone who WANTS to be consumed by me … I can’t even imagine how incredible that must be.

      When you get that feeling AND have it reflected back to you AND can act on it… Oh. My. Fucking. God! Mind blowing!!

      I hope you get to experience it sooner rather than later!

      Ferns

  3. “Anyway, you *should* be sad, just in case it helps somehow.”

    Yes, I agree. Sometimes sadness suggests solutions for me. So long as I don’t let those waves of blueness drag me too far under.

    Miss Ferns, a question: do you sometimes wonder, would everything better for the likes of you and I if we were just to be a bit braver? To do, and be, something only a little bit different? Well, I often wonder about that for myself, anyway.

    1. I’m not quite sure what you mean by that: I sent you an email to talk about it some more, I am intrigued.

      BUT I contact and talk to boys who interest me, I flew to LA to meet e, I invited the pretty thing out here to meet me, I went to Sydney to meet the lovely switch… so I consider myself open to opportunities, and willing to take steps to see if there is something there.

      There is certainly *more* I could do if I was so inclined (‘the scene’, personal ad), but honestly, I think I do enough for some fabulous man to find me.

      Ferns

  4. No need to answer this Ferns, not unless it makes you feel better. I know that anyone can always find lots of reasons not to try anything. I don’t know how many men you have known who were perfect. I know that you could be with a man now who would try to be perfect. I know it often takes time for a great person (even me) to get to be perfect. Even then I am not perfect. I don’t know how far you could try, in the same way, to be perfect for him too. Is change a submissive thing to do? I know that there can be more passion, on both sides, if you meet in the middle.

    1. *smile* I think we have had a similar discussion here in these comments before.

      What I want is not perfection, I want someone who is right for me, who fits me, with all of our imperfections.

      I will not settle for someone who is ‘fine’ for me. I really don’t care if that makes it difficult (even if I have a whine about it from time to time). I don’t even care if it makes it impossible, frankly.

      I will not short change myself, but more than that, I won’t short change a lovely man who deserves to be with someone who adores him with all of the passion and love they have (vs someone who thinks he is ‘very nice’).

      Ferns

  5. I took the chance to read some of those earlier posts. They’re all brillant, of course. I actually want to respond to some of the ideas there.

    It’s hard to describe, so I use naive analogies. It’s like there’s a part of me that that’s a kid. And each day I walk by a candy store. I see the delicious confections in the window and look at all of the other children enjoying themselves, but I’m always not allowed it. I have to be at school, there’s always some pressing need or responsibility that forces me to pull away that immature part of myself from the window. And eventually that part of myself goes and has a little kid tantrum, because he’s always sick of being denied what he wants. You have to forgive him, because he’s a little kid after all, but in the end that sort of behavior isn’t going to bring him any closer to what he wants. Eventually he’ll give up the fight and go back to window gazing and the whole thing repeats again.

    That’s how frustration feels. I’ve done silly things when frustrated. Things like going through certain sites looking for potential dommes to reach out to. I’ll make a short list and slowly go about crossing people off. In the end I look at who’s left and think about what I’l say to them. “Hey, you look pretty cool, I’m pretty cool too, I’m also desperate if you can’t tell.”

    I always end up deleting each draft. Who needs more subs clawing at them? That’s not how I want to approach it anyway. Subs can come cheap, especially if they’re desperate. I don’t want to be desperate, and I don’t want to feel cheap. Eventually when that immature side of me stops yelling and stomping his feet, I come to my senses.

    Of course the analogy sort of breaks down at this point. I’d like to say that when that side of me is mature enough he’ll get what he wants, but it doesn’t work that way. It’s a relationship that exists between two people, and no magic candy shop door just opens for anyone. But it’s the best way i could describe the submissive analog to your frustration, at least at my novice level of experience.

    1. *smile* Thank you so much for your most lovely compliment.

      I really liked your analogy, I can relate to that

      “I always end up deleting each draft. Who needs more subs clawing at them?”

      I can understand this, but you know what? With every relationship *somebody* made contact first. And I’ll tell you some secrets also:

      * Some amazing, fabulous, wonderful Dommes do NOT have a gazillion submissives ‘clawing at them’. Case in point: Me! I get very very few emails from submissive men who are sincerely interested in a real relationship with me and who are at all even close to compatible.

      * If you are intelligent and articulate (as you obviously are), then you are already better than 99% of those who land in any dominant woman’s inbox. If you then actually strike up an interesting conversation, you can make that 99.9%

      * If you don’t get an answer, or she’s not interested, it’s not about *you* personally. She doesn’t even know you. It’s minimal risk for possible great gain.

      *smile* There you go, now you know all the secrets… Don’t tell anyone.

      Ferns

      1. Thanks ferns, you’re lovely as always.

        “Some amazing, fabulous, wonderful Dommes do NOT have a gazillion submissives ‘clawing at them’. Case in point: Me!”

        But Ferns, I’m sure you get plenty of submissives who just fling themselves at you, just because you’re dominant. They aren’t sincere about anything other than wanting someone to fulfill their fantasies. When I consider writing (or even just interacting) with dominant women… well, I suppose I don’t know how to approach the topic.

        At the end of the day it feels like I’ve still messaged someone because they are a dominant female that I would like to be involved with. Even if I say I’m messaging because “oh, I like the same kind of music as you” or “that’s a cool dr.who scarf you got there” there’s still no hiding why I messaged someone out of the blue. Most people don’t want to be messaged out of the blue anyways.

        I’m not sure if that makes me sincere. It’s so upside-down compared to vanilla dating. Sexual preferences are right there in the forefront, and then you can start working for common interests.

        But now that I know the secrets I can learn how to use them properly. Thanks again Ferns *smile!*

      2. But Ferns, I’m sure you get plenty of submissives who just fling themselves at you, just because you’re dominant.

        Nope. And even if I did, who cares? It’s irrelevant.

        I get the impression that you are worried about being just another doofus who sends begging emails to random dominant women.

        So don’t be that guy.

        Believe me, *we know the difference*. When I get a thoughtful email (god forbid it be smart and funny as well), I am beyond delighted.

        “At the end of the day it feels like I’ve still messaged someone because they are a dominant female that I would like to be involved with.”

        Maybe it would help if you tried to change this mindset.

        I send emails to submissive men who have said something interesting, who have great photos, who have made me laugh with their profile.

        I do it because they are someone who has intrigued me enough to drop them a note.

        I don’t do this with dominant men, or with women. So while you could argue that I AM doing it as a form of ‘well hello there’ contact, it’s not because they are ‘potentials’. I don’t even know them!

        In the vanilla world, do you only ever speak to interesting women because they are heterosexual and you want to be in a relationship with them (pllleeeaasseee say no!!).

        What’s the difference?

        When I message someone, I’m not looking to ‘get involved with them’. I just want to say ‘hey, great comment!’ and if a conversation develops, that’s wonderful. And if it doesn’t (mostly it doesn’t), that’s okay.

        You are putting pressure on yourself by overthinking. Stop doing that!

        Also, now you have all the secrets! *smile*

        Ferns

  6. Sorry Ferns, before we go any further, it’s time for me to ask you something – I don’t get it. Your words: “…to strip the very skin off my boy’s bones…” I never get it when you say stuff like that. What does it mean?

    S

    1. *smile* You are asking me to explain how I feel passion, but I have done so, over and over, in different ways in various writings.

      I think you either understand it, or you don’t.

      Ferns

  7. hunger. i know that feeling well–a deep ache that takes hold of my mind and wont’ let go, despite the many other things that should be commanding my attention.
    i search. like a hungry animal, dashing through the websites hoping to find what satisfies. to make that one connection that understands my hunger and responds from her care and desire.
    to be her good boy.
    thank you for the offering of your openess.

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