Shit Ferns says #6

Random shit I spewed out at people.

No zing zing with the pussy pussies!

I will practice a gloat-covered sheepish victory dance

If someone says ‘you are too nice’, they are trying to avoid saying ‘you are boring and have no genitals’.

I am liking leaf number three, leaf number three is obviously superior to leaves number one or two, though they tried their hardest and deserve a little pat for their sub standard efforts. But leaf number three will be my favourite. Leaf number four will have to work hard to outdo leaf number three!!

Because one woman’s girlie shit = ALL WOMEN’S GIRLIE SHIT!!!?!! That’s RACIST!!

Where is my pedestal?!!

I’ll swap you some wank-fu for nap-fu…

I strained my butt!!!!

What does it say about American cocks when a ‘whopper’ has an insertable length of 5.5 inches?

I speak only the grand truth from a place of great domliness, which is a hallowed place, and might be under my couch…

For the record, images of you featured in my afternoon ‘masturbation and napping’ endeavour. Not the napping part.

My buttocks will agree to anything!!

…they are whining like little bitches. I fed them protein shake and bacon, then rubbed pig fat all over them…

…your smile is so fucking adorable I want to smack it right off your fucking face!!

Brain: “Now listen, heart old boy, there are perfectly good reasons why she is not suitable for us, so don’t get all silly now, will you?”
Heart: “La la lalaaaaaaa *skip bounce wistful sighing*… Wait, did you say something, brain?! STFU I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!! *stab stab stab*”

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12 Comments

      1. It’s true. All I ever hear is Peroxide this and Peroxide that. We often talk about your nickname for your junk. Whopper. Really!? Whopper? I’ve meant to tell you that YOU CAN DO BETTER!

        And disturbing conversations about zing zing for pussy pussies.

  1. You absolutely DO say some funny shit! Some of the best ones:

    “I will practice a gloat-covered sheepish victory dance” This is even better than when you used “gravitas” while describing shoes! ~swoon~

    “If someone says ‘you are too nice’, they are trying to avoid saying ‘you are boring and have no genitals’” … And to think I was insulted when I was referred to as an “Obnoxious child”. HA! At least I have genitals

    “Where is my pedestal?!!” You mean, it hasn’t arrived yet??!!… Shit! I must have sent it to the wrong address.

    “What does it say about American cocks when a ‘whopper’ has an insertable length of 5.5 inches?” I think it just says that Americans are myopic.

    I speak only the grand truth from a place of great domliness, which is a hallowed place, and might be under my couch… WOW! The only things I have under my couch are parrot feathers, loose change, and sometimes the TV remote

    “…your smile is so fucking adorable I want to smack it right off your fucking face!!” This one is just AWESOME!!! Yet another swoon worthy tidbit. While my face has never been called adorable, It has been poked with a ten foot pole once or twice. That’s kinda the same thing… Isn’t it?

  2. “What does it say about American cocks when a ‘whopper’ has an insertable length of 5.5 inches?”

    More importantly, what does it say about Americans when we hear “whopper” and think of shitty fast food sandwiches or malted faux-chocolate candy?

    Perhaps we think 5.5 inches is a whopper because our giant stomachs provide so much overhang that the male penis is often hidden from view. I believe it’s called a “front porch” or an “awning” or something equally horrendous.

    Now that you have that mental image, my work here is done.

  3. …they are whining like little bitches. I fed them protein shake and bacon, then rubbed pig fat all over them…

    Ah, got back into the gym, I see.

    Err… any pictures of you rubbing bacon grease over your finely toned muscles? For science (!), of course.

  4. Oh gawd that last one. Yup, yup – sounds familiar! I have had that same conversation. Perhaps often-ish.

    And 5.5 inches is a “whopper”? Pfft. Someone is just trying to make themselves feel better.

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