Random memories: Hiding myself

The first boy I ever fell in love with was a vanilla submissive. I have mentioned him before.

We are still in touch, I am pretty sure that I gave him this blog address at some stage long ago. I doubt he reads it, but I really don’t know and haven’t asked. If he does: *smile… wave* Hello there, A!!!

We were together before I had ever heard of BDSM, or D/s, or any of that. I once had us write sexual fantasies for each other. We were exploring possibilities, and I wanted to hear what was deep in the back of his mind. Maybe it would be something he had never shared, nothing was off limits. I thought it might take us somewhere exciting.

I wrote a terribly violent story about abuse and non consensual sex, about fear and power and helplessness, all scary and wrong and sooo fucking dirty-hot.

I don’t even remember what he wrote, but he was finished first and he gave me his story to read. Even though I can’t at all recall what it was about, I clearly remember reading it and thinking, “I am NEVER sharing mine with him… NEVER EVER EVER…”

I imagine his was sweet and romantic, as he was.

And mine was… wrong. Bad. Frightening.

I told him my story wasn’t done yet, which was true, and since the entire thing was my idea, he never chased me for it. I can’t remember if I finished it, but I let the whole idea drift away.

We never spoke of it again.

This post was inspired by this article in the NY Times: Finding the Courage to Reveal a Fetish

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20 Comments

  1. I know what you mean about finding the courage to express what is inside. I still struggle with this…to the point that I can’t find adequate words to complete this comment. Your post resonated with me – especially today.

    1. *nod nod* Even now, with all that I reveal here in my blog, and with partners who are into all sorts of things, it takes an extraordinary level of trust for me to open up the pandora’s box in my head.

      I wish you luck with whatever you are trying to resolve at the moment.

      Ferns

  2. Heh. He probably toned his own story down considerably. Men do that: they always think they’re going to horrify the woman in some way – delicate flowers that they are.

    OK, OK, maybe that’s just me. But did you ever tell him, later in the relationship, that you’d been scared of relating your story?

    1. He might have toned down his story into something that he thought I would like, that’s certainly plausible.

      But I do think that’s just you, with the idea that women are all delicate flowers.

      And no, I never did tell him.

      Ferns

      1. @Miss Ferns

        ” ‘He might have toned down his story into something that he thought I would like, that’s certainly plausible.’

        But I do think that’s just you, with the idea that women are all delicate flowers.”

        Oh no, not just me, Miss Ferns, though I do think I may have developed a bit more of a ‘thing’ in my own head about ‘women’s delicate floweriness’ than perhaps many men (and to my own detriment, I’m slowly beginning to realise). I still have a sense that men in general go through life with a vague, but quite marked, feeling that their sexuality will be too rough, crude, heavy-handed – or something similar – than women’s. (If they want evidence for that, they need only post to reveal their sexual desires on CollarMe’s forums, for instance. Mark you, what the women standardly tell them, and the message that such men *actually take away*, could be vastly different.)

        And as for women . . . well, anecdotal evidence only. So many ex-partners of mine claiming that they never have ‘concrete fantasies’ that they could articulate. Or similar. I did have the suspicion, with many partners, that they didn’t want to admit to anything so . . . brutal, unromantic, indelicate.

        Though none of the words I’ve used in reference to either men’s, or women’s, fantasies and feelings quite cuts it for me. Damnit, it’s vague. I’ll be the first to admit that.

      2. “Oh no, not just me, Miss Ferns, though I do think I may have developed a bit more of a ‘thing’ in my own head about ‘women’s delicate floweriness’ than perhaps many men (and to my own detriment, I’m slowly beginning to realise).”

        Apologies, I didn’t really mean that you were the only one in the world.

        And given your experience with ex-partners who seemed to have had some difficulty talking about their fantasies (or not having any?!), it makes sense that your experience would inform your perception.

        “I still have a sense that men in general go through life with a vague, but quite marked, feeling that their sexuality will be too rough, crude, heavy-handed – or something similar – than women’s.”

        I’m not sure that’s a fair generalisation (and I’m not willing to take the CM message boards as representative of *anything* in the real world!), and obviously our experiences are very different.

        I do think that there are many people who are uncomfortable with their sexuality and particularly with *talking* about it. There are a million possible reasons for that, particularly when it’s about revealing kinky things, and I’m not convinced it’s gender specific.

        I mean in my post, with the particular story I wrote (non-con violence), I just thought he wouldn’t ‘get it’ and it was much more likely to horrify him than turn him on. That fear stopped me from sharing it. It just wasn’t worth the risk (especially since it wasn’t something ‘doable’, so it’s not like I was going to be missing out on anything if I didn’t share it).

        Ferns

  3. I totally want to read that story! Yours… the one that was so wrong you couldn’t share. Dang, those are always the best. Well mostly anyway.

  4. It’s really difficult to express sexual desire that you doubt are shared, even if you’re telling someone you expect to be understanding. There is plenty of stuff I would have a really tough time admitting to thinking about.

    1. It is, yes. I think the struggle is very common and a lot of it depends on where you are with self acceptance, and the level of trust in whoever you are with.

      I’d add that my fantasies are not realistic at all: they are violent and non consensual. For the purposes of this fantasy-sharing exercise, I considered rewriting it to tone it down, but then it was no longer hot to me and I just lost interest in it.

      Ferns

    1. I do some version of it with all of my partners, but yes, it’s not as simple as *blurting out everything you think is OMFGHOT* when your ‘everything’ might be shocking and appalling to them.

      And as I mentioned above, my fantasies are not ‘here are things we should do’, they are ‘this is what’s in my head when I let it go off without filters’.

      In hindsight, I was right not to share it with him. So, yay me!

      Ferns

  5. One of the nicest things I’ve found about playing with someone is being able to share my dark and twisted fantasies with someone who not only doesn’t flinch, but has all sorts of nasty desires of their own.

  6. “And as I mentioned above, my fantasies are not ‘here are things we should do’, they are ‘this is what’s in my head when I let it go off without filters’.”

    I would love nothing more than to read that story or list and know what is in Your head unfiltered. I am not scared by any means of what could possibly be unfiltered in Your mind.
    I had a similar incident in reverse where a partner asked me to make a list of my deepest darkest fantasies unfiltered and I shred my own list, kind of similar to what Yours sounds like. I would give anything to be able to remove my filter comfortably but yet have been able too.

    My intense fear is not only of Her reaction to my unfiltered thoughts, the disgust or even worse the look of shame or disappointment towards me, but of how I feel about my own thoughts as well.I believe the thought of her disappointment in my thoughts would have left me in a corner lying in a ball like a baby. So the list was destroyed. Even with my erotica writings I cannot seem to release the filter. ~sigh~
    Okay I am off to shower and physical therapy and all those chores of daily life. I wish You a very pleasant day!

    1. “…but of how I feel about my own thoughts as well.”

      I think THIS also, yes.

      I had an internal struggle for a long time with what goes on inside my head, and at some point I accepted that ‘it is what it is’ and I can’t change it. I’m okay with it now, but I think that’s very different from someone else being okay with it.

      I shared things with my last submissive that I had never shared before. That’s powerful stuff, not only because he ‘accepted’ it, but because he found it super hot. But he still didn’t get it all *smile*.

      Ferns

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