Being sexy

I am not good at ‘being sexy’ in the traditional sense. Dressing the part, acting the coquette, doing that ‘sex object’ thing, flirting coyly. Yeah, I can’t do it. If I had to deliberately behave in a sexy manner, I’d fail horribly and embarrassingly. I’d be all ridiculous expressions and awkward clumsy movements.

But, I think I’m sexy. Strong, attractive, hungry when aroused. My sexuality is powerful when it’s fired up, and I think *that’s* what makes me sexy. It’s different from traditional feminine images of ‘sexy’.

My version of ‘sexy’ is about feeling my own sexuality heightened.

When I think about ‘being sexy’, I am not thinking about being the object of desire (though I love that, I do), I am thinking about how my sexuality burns and seems to seep out of my pores. It comes from inside, and the way it makes me feel changes how I am out in the world. Men sense it when it’s fired up, it makes them sit up and take notice.

While it can fire on its own, it is most evident when I am heady and full of a boy who has wound me up and taken over my thoughts, made me hyper focussed on my sexuality, triggered the part of my brain that filters everything in the world through greedy, hungry eyes. It makes me feel like I am a stalking around with a cloud of pheromones wafting around me, and every man looks like a potential target.

‘Being sexy’ is all about tapping into MY arousal and how that impacts everything about me: it changes how I look, the way I walk, my facial expressions, the tone of my voice, my body language, it makes all of my internal voices scream “WANT!!!” and it projects that desire out into the world.

To me, that’s what being sexy is about.

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66 Comments

  1. I quite like that kind of sexiness: Confident, knowing what you want, and going after it. Good stuff. Thankfully there are lots of ways to be sexy.

  2. “every man looks like a potential target.”

    This is such a fun side effect for me. I doubt I could ever explain why. I don’t intentionally act on it. I surely never follow through, but I certainly enjoy the sensation. I have noticed (and confirmed by friends accompanying me) that I get more attention during this time. I believe your pheromone descriptive may be on target!

    Anyone ‘trying’ to be sexy looks ridiculous to me.

    1. “This is such a fun side effect for me… I get more attention during this time.””

      Yes!! I think feeling that way *shows*, like a predatory ‘raawwr’, men see it and react to it. I love that.

      “Anyone ‘trying’ to be sexy looks ridiculous to me.”

      I agree that ‘trying’ looks ridiculous, yes, but some women are so good at ‘being sexy’ in that traditional way that they don’t have to ‘try’. This is the kind of woman who can casually writhe around a random pole, fling her hair around, all joking and playfully flirty, and look like she was made to be there.

      If I were to do that, I *would* look ridiculous (and probably, I would flat fall on my arse!).

      Ferns

  3. I agree that being sexy is something that I feel. I can never tell if I am sexy, cute, pretty, beautiful, hot – I assume most people see me as one of these stagnantly. But I feel like I alternate between all of them depending on what I put on that day, the mood I’m in, and exactly what my behavior is.

    1. “I can never tell if I am sexy, cute, pretty, beautiful, hot”

      Ahhh, this is interesting. I know when I have my ‘raawwrr’ on, I know when I am all ‘bouncy positive’, and I know when I am feeling ‘blah’ and since people react to it, I know that they see it in my body language, behaviour etc.

      But when I am wandering around on an average day (doing grocery shopping, going to the gym etc), I assume I blend in, am relatively nondescript, so if I get some attention *then*, I am always surprised.

      “But I feel like I alternate between all of them depending on what I put on that day, the mood I’m in, and exactly what my behavior is.”

      *nod nod* This sounds like being a normal human. If people are assigning you a single descriptor, I can only imagine that they must not know you (or they have their own reasons for wanting to do that which have nothing to do with you). Because it makes no sense to think that *anyone* can be pigeon-holed that way. People are complex, thank goodness!

      Ferns

  4. not good at ‘being sexy’
    Really? REEEAALLY!?!

    Perhaps you have difficulty presenting yourself to be objectified, but you exude confidence and sexiness all the damn time.

    And every time you’ve included contributions from men who’ve met you they are always gaga over you. And you’re very flirtatious, you just flirt as the aggressor rather than the prey. Plus you’re gorgeous.

    I submit that you would have a much harder time trying not to be sexy, than you would trying to, cause I don’t think you have to try, you just are.

      1. Dearest Ferns,

        To say that, in your words you are “not good at being sexy” astounds me and fills me with disbelief.

        I’m afraid that I must disagree with you, it is perhaps the case that you do not think of yourself as being similar to the frequently objectified women who are so often called sexy. You are however ravishing, radiant and replete with a natural confidence that cannot be denied.

        It is clear based on the accounts of the men who have had the stupendous fortune to make your acquaintance that this is no mere fluke of your writing. Each of them has come away smitten, struck by the cupids arrow that is your persona.

        You may not be the Coquette, that’s true, but you are the a siren and no man would bemoan his fate were he to be smashed upon your rocks.

        No, to say that you are “not good at being sexy” is blatantly inaccurate. You are sexy, you cannot help but being so, by virtue of being yourself.

        *What I said, only more eloquent. Nobody out does my eloquence!HA!

    1. @Peroxide: *laugh* Thank you kindly for your most impassioned (shouty caps and bold!) and flatteringly incredulous response.

      It is incredibly sweet. I shall tuck away the complimentary goodness for my blah days.

      “I submit…”

      Boom-tish!

      “… that you would have a much harder time trying not to be sexy, than you would trying to, cause I don’t think you have to try, you just are.”

      *smile* Thank you Peroxide, I am all aglow.

      Ferns

    2. @M.Date: “What he said. Only more eloquent.”

      *smile* I appreciate the ‘ditto, but better’ sentiment, *even if you were too lazy to write anything more*.

      I think you and Peroxide should kiss and make up. Yeah, that’s it. A lovely sweet kissy face to show that there are no hard feelings…

      Ferns

  5. I have never found the coquette attractive.it speaks to me of pandering to men and declaring availability to all and sundry. There is a trick to this of course, since the message actually being conveyed is “here I am all you hungry hunters, come and chase me and fight it out over me. I’ ll take the last man standing, who is obviously the strongest.” A natural outcome of evolution, perhaps, but not attractive to me because it shows that a higher intelligence is not at play.

    What really turns me on is elegance, poise, and intelligence, where the message is “I am not some cheap animalistic floosie, I am a person of superior status, you had better be worthy of me, and I will do the choosing.” Best of all when the presentation is subtle and not just a gratuitous display of wealth. Putting lipstick on a pig stil leaves you with just a swine to kiss.

    What draws me most are women that one would not describe as beautiful, or pretty, but “striking”. (Which is a totally unintended but hilarious pun in this context.)

    1. *smile* ‘Striking’ (boom-tish!) is a great word, and I know exactly what you mean.

      To me, though, ‘sexy’ describes a very particular type of impact. That is, someone can be beautiful/pretty/striking without being ‘sexy’. And I also think someone can be sexy without being any of those things.

      Ferns

  6. Most of all it’s that Ferns je ne sais quoi, that you describe, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and turn a man on halfway around the world without getting on a plane. Such a delight reading you, candid, unpredictable, juicy – so you. Thank you once again.

  7. @Miss Ferns,

    Hah! And *you* said that you’d *never* get the buzz that comes from exercise. This, I would strongly suggest, is at least part of what makes you feel sexy *in the sense that you’re using the word* these days. See? See? I *told* you so. Ner. Etc.

    1. Pfffttt! What rubbish!

      You can suggest whatever you like (‘Ner ner’ and all!), but you’d be wrong.

      Firstly, I have felt like this forever even *gasp* pre-exercise. It’s not new.

      Secondly the buzz from exercise that I am supposed to get and that is supposed to make me *want* to go to the gym has NEVER arrived. Feeling good about the *results* sure doesn’t hurt, but that’s not a ‘buzz from exercise’.

      Analogy: I don’t like cooking, but I love good food. When I make good food and go ‘yummy yum yum’, it makes no sense for anyone to go “Ha! TOLD YOU that you liked cooking!” That’s silly.

      You can go and do your ‘told you so, see SEE?!’ dance over there in the corner *points*.

      Ferns

      1. Dancing, and still dancing. ;-) (And quite well, actually, though I say it myself.)

        Well, exercise makes *me* feel horny, and in just the way you describe. A ‘through the pores’ kind of sexy. Hoh yes.

        I think you’re in denial about the exercise-effect because you think exercising is perverted. Gotcha!

  8. Just out of curiosity (and a desire to argue with you) I googled around for some stupid “top ten” ways to get sexy. What I came across was a Cosmo article, “How to be Sexy – Instantly.”

    Now, I’m no fan of cosmo, and I was expecting some really crappy advice. Some of it is pretty empty.

    What I found interesting, though, is some of the advice is internal – about setting a state of mind. I thought it would be all “put on more makeup!!!” or “wear the latest perfume!!”, but they have advice such as (paraphrased):

    “Listen to your favourite sexy music”

    “Read a few paragraphs of 50 Shades in the line at the grocery store”

    I think what cosmo is trying to say is along the lines of your pheremones-statement – if you’re sexy on the inside it doesn’t matter what your body is doing. You don’t have to show some leg or twirl your hair or do a big exaggerated wink. You just have to be in the right frame of mind. Have that hunger.

    That hunger. Man. *tugs on collar uneasily* Sexy, scary, makes me want to run but I’m not sure if I should go away or towards; the confusion makes me stand still, like a deer in the headlights. It makes the imagination run wild with possibilities. Anyone can pretend they look good, act aloof, make it all about them – but the hunger stare? It’s not about looks. It’s about desire.

    All it takes is eyes, maybe some subtle facial expressions. No fancy makeups or clothes.

    The beauty of your blog, though, is you do such a good job at conveying your desires, your interests, your passions – that it’s easy to picture, even if I don’t know your face.

    You hunger.

    1. @Capn_Andy: “Just out of curiosity (and a desire …”

      You realise I stopped reading at that point, right?

      “I think what cosmo is trying to say is along the lines of your pheremones-statement – if you’re sexy on the inside it doesn’t matter what your body is doing.”

      Your comment made me do a google search for “how to be sexy advice for women”, then I realised that the qualifier ‘for women’ was completely unnecessary because ALL THE ADVICE ON THE INTERNET ON HOW TO BE SEXY IS FOR WOMEN! *eyeroll*

      That most irritating fact aside, I did run a quick eye over a bunch of it and it was about 40-60 ‘do what makes you *feel* sexy’ vs ‘do what makes you most appealing as an object of desire’. That’s better than I expected to be honest.

      Though they sneak in the hybrids: “Get your hair done all sex-kitten-like because that will give you *confidence* and confidence is sexy…”

      To take up your argument, I do think there is change (god, I hope so!), but I think that the prevalent idea of what is sexy is *still* ‘men like X, so do X’ (I found one thing where they said to wear pumpkin pie spice because men looovee pumpkin pie!! I wish I was joking).

      I do wish there was *more* of the idea out there of women tapping into their *own* sexuality, and feeling free to express it.

      “That hunger. Man. *tugs on collar uneasily* Sexy, scary, makes me want to run but I’m not sure if I should go away or towards; the confusion makes me stand still, like a deer in the headlights.”

      Quoted just because I love this imagery.

      “The beauty of your blog, though, is you do such a good job at conveying your desires, your interests, your passions – that it’s easy to picture, even if I don’t know your face.”

      *smile* Thank you for that most lovely compliment.

      And yes. Sometimes, I hunger.

      Ferns

  9. Thank you – i love it when you write like you need to spill it out… kind like when you feel sexy but the energy is released in a different way? Or is it at the same moment – when you feel sexy and dont won’t/cant release it?

    xLeggyLady

    1. *smile* Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it. And I love it too.

      I’m not quite sure if you were asking rhetorical questions, but I liked them, and wanted to answer it anyway (because it’s all about me!!).

      When I write about things I am passionate about, I feel a particular kind of energy and sometimes it absolutely is sexual energy because that’s what I am trying to get onto the page. I *feel* it, and when it’s working, it does feel like I *need* to get it out.

      I find it much harder to tap into when I am distant from it, than when I am in it. Unfocussed sexual energy is always muted for me.

      Ferns

      1. Yes, I was hoping you would answer it :)

        This is exactly what i was inferring and i feel the same when i write. Thanks for sharing ferns!

        xx

  10. @Ferns:

    “You can go and do your ‘told you so, see SEE?!’ dance over there in the corner *points*.”

    I’ve just re-read that and changed my conclusion accordingly. My new conclusion is: “Phwoargh!” I find it agreeable when you get all ordery, Miss Ferns. Yes indeedy! :-)

  11. @ Miss Ferns

    “Your comment made me do a google search for “how to be sexy advice for women”, then I realised that the qualifier ‘for women’ was completely unnecessary because ALL THE ADVICE ON THE INTERNET ON HOW TO BE SEXY IS FOR WOMEN! *eyeroll*”

    All right then, Miss Ferns the Pioneer . . . What about a blog on how a man – particularly a sub-man – can be sexy? Hmmmm? Now I know you’ve done something similar before, but not *exactly* that, have you?

    1. Honestly, I think the same applies to men as to women:

      “Tap into what makes you *feel* sexy and bring that out.”

      I know it’s not what you were after, but there are so many different ways to interpret ‘sexy’, it seems to me that that is the only one that counts.

      It’s very different if you ask a particular woman about her preferences and what she, as an individual, finds sexy (she might like androgyny, she might like long hair, she might like a bit of bulk, she might like playfulness, she might like political arguments etc, who knows?!), but that’s not really applicable more widely.

      Ferns

      1. @Miss Ferns,

        You interpreted me correctly. However, it wouldn’t have worked as a blog anyway, I later realised – for the reason you mentioned, plus others.

  12. I like all the romantic things women do. One thing is each time she will just brush past barely touching me all innocent like a warm breeze. From there on I am hers. Another thing that I like is when she is just nice and affectionate all the time. I like it when she sits close to kiss for ages and light as a feather she keeps accidentally brushing her forearm or elbow across my thigh. Another thing is when she has gone to get changed and calls out to me to come to her. I like it when I find her in the bedroom and she just happens to be bending down wearing something short…

    1. I know you are a romantic softie at heart… You just want people to love each other.

      In this, though, ‘sexy’ is very separate from any of those other things. Romance, love, affection. The former is about sexual energy, the others are not.

      Ferns

      1. Hello Ferns, it’s good to talk with you and so I’ll tell you.

        Satan was not always like this. Once Satan only did affection because of three things, those three things were lust, lust and lust.

        That’s how he saw it. He thought that pure affection was just for softies or just for children.

        Even then it was not for all children. As a rule Satan’s mother did not act as though she thought much of him.

        Yes he would still share affection with females but then, for Satan, that was all to do with lust.

        Yes he did learn soon enough that affection was good fun on the pure innocent level and that then it was not just for softies but for Satan too. How did Satan learn that? He learnt it from females who he met.

        These days it all depends on who Satan shares affection with and on his mood.

        Yes affection can have nothing at all to do with lust.

        But affection and lust merge when Satan turns frisky.

        Satan

  13. I am also awkward and not at all sexy when told to be sexy on cue. Sexy comes from how I feel, and I look like an idiot (I’ve seen pictures) if I try to be sexy without feeling it. Thanks for the reaffirmation.

    1. Yeah, if I try to turn it on, I just look weirdly uncomfortable (because I am!). Like a kid trying on grown up outfits and not fooling anyone :).

      Ferns

  14. I really, really love this. Especially the part about sexiness being tied to your sense of sexuality. And this:

    “…triggered the part of my brain that filters everything in the world through greedy, hungry eyes.”

    I can relate to that. It’s a state of mind that I’m very fond of being in.

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