About the pretty thing

I always debate writing about nebulous things, because this, with the pretty thing, is not really a ‘thing’, but it’s a ‘thing’ in that he is getting inside my head, and when someone takes up residence there, I want to write about it even though it is difficult for various reasons (I’ve written about this blogging dilemma) before.

The pretty thing contacted me about 3 months ago, an articulate, chatty introduction email in response to my initial workout post calling for people to come join me. He wanted to join me.

In his introductory note was this little gem:

‘Unbridled and unabashed admiration’ I believe sums up my sentiments towards Your exquisite mind quite adeptly.

Well… *swoon*!

He’s 25, in the US, and from his email, it was obvious that he had a sweet little crush (which I *love*, by the way). It was an email correspondence, I have them often enough, mostly there are a few exchanges before it peters out… *shrug*. No biggie.

This one didn’t peter out, though, and over the months of wide-ranging conversation, his intelligence, unrelenting optimism, and unwavering sweetness started to make me look more closely at what was going on.

He argued with me about my ageism with insight and humour, he took criticism with grace, he paid attention to small things I said, he glowed under my attention. And also, he sent me stunning photos that made me swoon, firstly under the guise of workout progress reports, later because I so obviously reacted to them as if I had lost my mind.

pretty thing

He is surprisingly naive, wide-eyed, and overly romantic. He spins in his own head, and he has the boundless enthusiasm of youth not yet made ragged by life. Watching him discover things about himself is amazing, wonderful. Seeing him open up and shake his head in wonder at feelings he has never had before is fascinating. Being the foil for that is intoxicating.

I have been careful with him, to not cross the line from light flirtation into something else. I am truly amazed each time it happens with a boy where something between us triggers him strongly, like there is a switch, and honestly, I don’t know how I flick it, but I do. I see it, I feel it. Even from a distance, I feel it.

I don’t play remotely, so it’s not about that. We talk, we flirt, I tease a little, but I don’t *do* anything to make it happen, and when I look for someone who fits me, this is exactly what I look for: there is some natural dynamic that develops where he falls under it just because. And every time it happens, I am floored by it, I want to take him apart, pull out all his pieces, crawl around inside his head, and figure out what is going on there, how it works. And sometimes, he does too because he doesn’t understand it either.

I have been keeping the pretty thing tethered to the ground while he tests out his wings with flights of fancy.

I am the voice of reason, bringing him down to earth time and time again. I don’t want him to get hurt, or if he is going to get hurt, I want him to see it coming, so I have been careful to lay it out honestly so that he has his eyes open. I ended up painstakingly explaining the realistic outcomes for this ‘thing’, clearly and brutally. And he challenged me on it. He wrote a long and heartfelt response that brought me to tears (and I am obviously not doing so well with the ageist thing because my first thought was “Did a 25 year old just make me cry?!”).

It included the line:

…and You’re not wrong, its just that You’re tired…

It made me laugh, that line. But it’s not funny. It’s kind of sad. I denied it of course, “I’m not tired, I’m just realistic!” but I’m not so sure. I don’t feel like I am tired, or cynical, or jaded, or any of those things. I *feel* as if I am open to opportunities, optimistic, positive, but I have made rules for myself.

The key one being “No involvement if there is no chance of ‘happily ever after'”.

I don’t need some sort of guarantee, that would be ridiculous, but I need to know that it’s *possible* before I make that sort of emotional investment. I don’t want to run full force at inevitable heartbreak. It might happen anyway, but running at it on purpose is not something I have the appetite for any more.

“So what happened to just having fun, Ferns? I mean, ‘happy ever after’ is a big call!”

*smile* I don’t know, I’m tired *laugh*.

But he is working on me:

…the thought of traveling halfway around the world for a simple cup of coffee doesn’t seem so far fetched…even with the possibility of us shaking hands and me heading home after as a very realistic ramification, it doesn’t scare me…

I don’t know what will happen… but don’t write me off because of geography, because that’s as silly as Your age argument…

Even if the odds are stacked against it all, if the ‘best case scenario’ is dreadfully unrealistic and far fetched… I would still happily risk the heartache and pain for You… Yes, a hundred times, and without a moments hesitation…

I love his optimism and fearlessness, the hopeless romanticism. He will leap, regardless, given the opportunity, and I love that.

Do I think there is a possible ‘happy ever after’ here? I’ve given it 3%. He is fighting me to give it a chance. I enjoy very much that he is.

I have said he can come and visit, to see if there is anything real here, and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that getting my hands on him is hellishly appealing regardless of the ‘happy ever after’ (I mean, fuck, just look at him!!). Will he make it out here? I really don’t know.

And just like it is Your job to ground me, it is my job to remind You of Your wings…

What did I tell you? A hopeless romantic.

GD Star Rating
loading...

You may also like

41 Comments

  1. Ferns,
    give it a shot.
    Split the costs of a flight. He’s 25, he’s only a little younger than me, he’s obviously in the mood to try new things. At his age, I travelled 14 hours to meet a guy and it didn’t work out. Actually, it was horrible! But I don’t regret it. I have funny stories to tell about that experience. We actually paid double, since we couldn’t stand each other we bought another ticket so I could get home earlier than planned. What I’m trying to say is that it’s part of growing up, just trying things, and I think a bit of youth and getting carried along with youthful enthusiasm is just what you might need right now.

    1. I’ve said he can visit, so yes, I’m giving it a shot. I’ve said I can go there also.

      We will see how that works out.

      “At his age, I travelled 14 hours to meet a guy and it didn’t work out. Actually, it was horrible!”

      Wait! That story sucked! *laugh*

      “I think a bit of youth and getting carried along with youthful enthusiasm is just what you might need right now.”

      *smile* I think you might be right there. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy his unbridled optimism. It’s quite lovely, and a complete breath of fresh air.

      Ferns

  2. I sort of want to stab him in the eyes.

    Other than that, I’m utterly hopeful for the two of you making *something* happen, even if it just ends up being fun and not “happily ever after.”

  3. He is just ‘delicious’! I hope he does come…just for the trill of meeting and getting your hands on him! Yum!

    Enjoy his wonderful, youthful and authentic admiration! Sometimes I find I get tired also…he is your shot of sexual adrenaline!

    ~ Vista

  4. Until happily ever after happens….fun is not only worth it, but damn vital to this whole thing of living.

    Stop being such a pussy. And here I was thinking you were brave.

    -MK

    1. “Until happily ever after happens….fun is not only worth it, but damn vital to this whole thing of living.”

      Yes, you are right, of course.

      “Stop being such a pussy. And here I was thinking you were brave.”

      *laugh* Wait… what?! I *said* he could come visit! What do you want from me, woman?!!

      Ferns

  5. I wouldn’t rush a trip that far, but if he can make the trip, why not? I would love to go to Australia on vacation, even without a lovely dominant woman (whose writing always makes me sigh, wondering why can’t I find someone like that) to meet.

    1. “I wouldn’t rush a trip that far, but if he can make the trip, why not?”

      No reason why not!

      “I would love to go to Australia on vacation, even without a lovely dominant woman (whose writing always makes me sigh, wondering why can’t I find someone like that) to meet.”

      *smile* Thank you for the lovely compliment, and I’m sure you will find someone in time… I will cross various things for good luck.

      Australia is a beautiful place to visit. So where the bloody hell are you?

      Ferns

  6. He makes a lot of valid points. And you aren’t sounding very open to me. Trust me, I know how miserable long distance ‘things’ can be… I give it more than 3% chance just from what I’ve read alone! Giddy UP girlfriend… it doesn’t sound like anyone is promising happily ever after, but how many times will you let doubt push back down the rung? The reality is, I’m certain you have many offers… I’m certain you could get a pick of a few litters… But chemistry is rare. Yes, we’ve all seen it translate differently in person… but do you really regret your last trip to find out? Truly? Personally, I’d go crazy with wonder. I found the beast 4,000 miles away… it DOES happen. You’re going to make me write a damn happy story at this rate! GRRR

    1. “He makes a lot of valid points.”

      He does, I love that. For the record, he is also loving these comments *laugh*. He hasn’t yet gotten all smug, but I’m sure he really really wants to.

      “And you aren’t sounding very open to me.”

      I know I don’t have unbridled hopeful optimism, that’s true, but I am open enough to have him visit. Isn’t that enough open ‘let’s see-ism’??!

      I know I could be more ‘bouncy hopeful enthusiastic’ instead of ‘cautiously grounded’, but in a practical sense, I can do no more than ‘sure, come visit, let’s see’.

      “Giddy UP girlfriend”

      *laugh* I’m giddying up!

      “Yes, we’ve all seen it translate differently in person… but do you really regret your last trip to find out? Truly? Personally, I’d go crazy with wonder.”

      No, I don’t regret it at all. You saw that I’m willing to have him come out, right? Right!!

      “I found the beast 4,000 miles away… it DOES happen. You’re going to make me write a damn happy story at this rate! GRRR”

      At *any* rate, I want a damn happy story!!

      Ferns

  7. Still sounding, (and looking) like a winner to me…AND he does yoga!!
    Give it shot for fun, gf!! Life is too F****** short to not grab every shot of fun you can!

    1. “Give it shot for fun, gf!! Life is too F****** short to not grab every shot of fun you can!”

      I’m assuming that this is NOT about the ‘yes, come visit’ thing because that’s all positive and stuff, but about my caution and lack of hopeful bouncy optimism.

      The bouncy enthusiasm is HIS job!!

      My job is to be a curmudgeonly old grump.

      *grump*

      Ferns

  8. The question before you is whether or not it’s possible. It doesn’t really matter whether the odds are 3% or 93%. People DO occasionally hold a winning ticket in the lottery of life. You will both survive this, regardless of the outcome. Don’t be afraid. Don’t outsmart yourself.

  9. I don’t want to run full force at inevitable heartbreak.

    OK then, so don’t run full force. Jog, saunter, or slowly meander if you want, but you should still go. First of all, I don’t think heartbreak is “inevitable” and secondly, the only thing worse than heartbreak is the bitter taste of emptiness that comes from letting something potentially wonderful slip away without ever trying to capture it… Just sayin’.

    1. “First of all, I don’t think heartbreak is “inevitable””

      Well, if I fall for him, it kind of is because of logistical reasons that I won’t get into here. That’s my point. I am not afraid of heartbreak, that’s not what I’m saying. What I am saying is that if I *know* that it can’t go anywhere, then I don’t have the appetite to invest it all. I’m not an emotional masochist.

      “…the only thing worse than heartbreak is the bitter taste of emptiness that comes from letting something potentially wonderful slip away without ever trying to capture it”

      *smile* True. But what part of ‘I have said he can come and visit’ makes you believe I’m not at least *trying* to capture *something*?

      Ferns

  10. Miss Ferns,

    I thought I’d copyrighted that picture? Hmmm. Hang on, maybe a certain chappie has visited my profile recently.

    Now Miss Ferns, you will promise me that you will look after yourself, and your feelings, won’t you? I shall growl, otherwise.

    1. “I thought I’d copyrighted that picture?”

      *laugh* Well that photo idea came from me, so have your legal people call my legal people…

      “Now Miss Ferns, you will promise me that you will look after yourself, and your feelings, won’t you? I shall growl, otherwise.”

      I will, though puppy growls are ever so cute!

      Ferns

    1. I know what you mean and I was tempted to edit it in my post to avoid the distraction, but he uses capitalised pronouns for everyone, regardless of gender, or BDSM role, or context (that is, he does it in vanilla correspondence also).

      It’s a nod to his European language studies, and not a nod to supposed D/s protocols.

      Ferns

  11. He must find a ship at once. He must stowaway aboard the ship till it sails and is outside territorial limits. When he has nowhere to land the captain will let him work as crew. When the ship reaches your home port the two of you have got to kiss and live happily ever after.

  12. My dear Ferns,

    You know my issues with my *own* ageism, where it concerns My twenty years younger boy. When we are good, we are awesome. When I get into that ageism head space, it is indeed wretched (mostly for me, while he does everything and more to make it quit gnawing at my bones) he is always there, and has gotten downright ANGRY with me over it at times.

    I do not know how badly your goblin of ageism will beat at you and eat at you, should this situation end up being as (nearly) perfect as ours. I do hope your stuff regarding that particular nasty bit is not nearly so bad as mine.

    That goblin/bastard/beastie, is a wily one.

    I guess what I am saying, is, it may not be his end of things that you need worry about. I know my own psyche has at times been my worst enemy in a similar situation and it does hurt…but he has never wavered.

    M. FV

    1. Thank you for sharing that, I appreciate it. I wonder if that’s always the case, that the older partner is more concerned than the younger.

      And you are right in that *he* doesn’t give a hoot about it, *I* am the one thinking about ‘stage of life’, career development, desire for family, all the things he will want to do (and *should* do) while I’m all ‘been there done that’ etc.

      I am trying hard to let go of the ‘ageism’ (which he is quite right about) in favour of practicalities (which do exist).

      I hope you and your boy continue to be happy together and the goblin/bastard/beastie continues to be kept at bay.

      Ferns

  13. Savor him.

    If you’re even remotely worries about the possibility of heartbreak, that means whatever you have to explore together is well worth the risk.
    xoxo

    31-Year Old Lover
    —————Kim Addonizio

    When he takes off his clothes,
    I think of a stick of butter being unwrapped,
    the milky, lubricious smoothness of it
    when it’s taken from the fridge still hard
    the way his body is hard, the high
    tight pectorals, the new dimes of the nipples pressed
    into his chest, the fanning of the muscles underneath.
    I look at his arms, shaped as though a knife
    has slid along the curves to carve them out,
    deltoids, biceps, triceps, I almost can’t believe
    that he is human—latissimus dorsi, hip flexors,
    gluteals, gastrinemius—he is so perfectly made.
    He stands naked in my bedroom and nothing
    has harmed him yet, though he is going
    to be harmed. He is going to have a gut one day,
    and wiry gray hairs where the soft dark filaments
    flow out of him, the cream of his skin is going
    to loosen and separate slowly, over a low steady flame
    and he has no idea, as I had no idea,
    and I am not going to speak to him of this ever,
    I am going to let him stretch out on my bed
    so I can take the heavy richness of him in
    and in, I am going to have it back the only way I can.

    From What Is This Thing Called Love (2004), pp. 25-26

    1. “If you’re even remotely worries about the possibility of heartbreak, that means whatever you have to explore together is well worth the risk.”

      That’s a great observation. I will try and savour him, if he will just bring himself to me already for the savouring…

      And I love that poem so much!!! SO MUCH!! Thank you for it.

      *happy sigh*

      Ferns

  14. The older I get (and I’m 42), the more I grasp that life’s too short for the whatifs and the yeahbuts and the yeahrights…

    Be open to what is in front of you.

    When I die, I don’t want to look back and wish I’d done something sooner or taken a chance to have a bit of happiness.

    I don’t ever want to live as a prisoner of political correctness and caution.

    Be daring.
    Be bold.
    Be Ferns!
    Follow your lust,
    Follow your heart.
    No regrets.
    Only satisfaction.

    1. *smile* Thanks for your thoughts Susannah.

      I know people want me to be all crazy-optimistic, but to me, allowing a visit *is* crazy-optimistic *laugh*.

      So I’m open enough to have him visit, and if he makes it out here, we will see what’s what. No regrets!

      Ferns

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.