Dommes have orgasms

Dommes have orgasms. Hopefully lots of them, whenever they want. Because orgasms are awesome!

However it’s not always that easy for everyone. Dumb Domme (do you follow her? No? You should!) has written in hilarious detail about her orgasm project.

After some 12 months of being together and lots of trying, she finally succeeded in having an orgasm with her boy, J. Yay!! *the crowd goes wild*.

Interestingly, it happened at a point where she was not so happy with him. She wrote:

“…I fall into a sort of “meh” attitude about seeing him at all. My “meh” leads to lowered expectations and general I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude.”

She was wondering why she managed to come this time when she wasn’t feeling all loved up and I quoted the section above and replied in part:

I think *this* is a factor.

When you (general you, I don’t know about YOU) are all wired and loved up and crazy in the head, you *care* too much, you *think* too much, you get self concious, it’s too much all ‘what about *him*, what does he think, what does he feel’ etc.

When you are ‘meh, whatever’, then you get to subconsciously go ‘fuck that, I’ll have what I want and if he doesn’t like it, he can fuck off!’ because the care factor is set at ‘meh’ (even if it’s temporary).

I wanted to expand on my experience with this because I can relate.

I’m not one of those who has orgasms while riding a bike, who can ‘think myself to orgasm’, who comes as soon as his cock enters me, who comes 40 times in an hour, who squirts rivers or whatever the hell else super orgasmic women do.

I come from clitoral stimulation, and orgasms are not really a problem for me, but I had to learn how to get out of my own head to do it.

The first time I had an orgasm with a boy, I was 16 or 17, he was a few years older. I was a virgin, and when we fooled around, he gave me oral a lot. One time we were alone in my house talking about it and he actually asked me, “Do you come?” I had never faked it, but we had also never talked about it.

I said, “No, can’t you tell?”

He was genuinely surprised and mortified. Then there, on the living room floor of my parents’ house, he made me come with his mouth. It took forever, it seemed, but he was gentle and patient and never made me feel pressured. I was genuinely curious to know if he could do it, and there was none of the reciprocity that was part of our normal making out. It was just ‘him doing me’, all intense and concentrated, not frenzied and crazy-passionate like our normal trysts, and because it felt like I was ‘allowing him to do this’, I was not concerned about him or his head space at all.

The last phrase was the important part, “I was not concerned about him or his head space at all.”

It took me ages to learn that that was the key, but it was.

After he had broken down the barrier to my orgasm (this phrasing makes me laugh), it was much easier for me to come with him, even when there were a million other things going on (hands everywhere, kissing, bare skin, moaning, touching, being uncomfortable, stroking his cock, hands on my breasts… all that).

As I entered into other relationships, I had this pattern of struggling to come early in the relationship, despite both of us wanting it. But *once* I had come, then it became much easier. It really was like there was some kind of ‘barrier to entry’ to my orgasms.

Then I met the man who I call my first vanilla submissive. I clearly remember the first time I had sex with him because something changed. He brought out something in me that had struggled for expression and it came out most clearly the first time we slept together.

He went down on me and I *clearly* remember thinking that this was purely for me, and all about me. That it was okay to forget about him, about his pleasure, about his comfort, about any of that.

“Fuck him, he can fucking work for it!” was in my head clearly. “I am having this, I deserve it, I am having it and he can get fucked.”

None of that came from a lack of affection for him (despite how it sounds). I was crazy about him, but there was something about him that made it perfectly okay for me to do that ‘fuck you’ thing. He *gave* me that, he offered up some kind of free pass to quiet all the baggage in my head.

All the ‘what is he doing, is he turned on, is he enjoying this, is he bored yet, maybe I should moan a bit more, did he just make an annoyed noise, omg this is taking so long, maybe I should stop him now …’ kind of self-talk that was so horribly and self consciously distracting was pushed aside by the ‘fuck him!’ voice.

He was the first man I ever came with the first time we slept together. It was a milestone for me because I had found a way to get *myself* over the ‘barrier to entry’.

It was partly about trust, and partly about just shutting my head up.

I had to trust that he would truly enjoy that self centredness from me, that he would not get bored or frustrated if it took a while, and even if he did, I had to trust that *it didn’t matter one bit*. It was also about knowing that it was okay to *use him this way*. I had to know he would not think less of me for this selfishness, that I did not have to give him anything for it to be okay, I did not have to perform, entertain, turn him on, *do* anything except concentrate on my own pleasure.

In that, I was essentially getting to the point that DumbDomme described of ‘I don’t give a fuck’, except without the negativity. It was not about ‘I don’t give a fuck because I don’t care about you’, but ‘I don’t give a fuck because I know it’s okay’. Knowing that was what set me free from all of the noisy distractions in my own head.

I don’t really need the ‘fuck you!’ voice any more. I used it until it became just something I *knew* with the men I was seeing and I think that’s part confidence, part experience and a healthy dose of choosing men who think that giving me pleasure is the best thing EVER. Yeah, I know, that surprises you right? *laugh*

That first vanilla boy is still a friend. I should really thank him, send a card, some flowers.

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35 Comments

  1. I think that’s the key. I tell her not to worry so much. If you do, fine. If you don’t, fine. If you let it go, it will come.

    1. “I tell her not to worry so much. If you do, fine. If you don’t, fine.”

      I do appreciate the sentiment, but you do know that telling her not to worry so much doesn’t work right? If that worked, then it would all be fine for everyone.

      Our inner voices are loud and difficult to shut up. I suspect telling her not to worry would have the inner voice going, “Do I worry too much, is it annoying that I worry about this, is he getting sick of me worrying about this, how do I stop worrying about it, and etc…”

      “If you let it go, it will come.”

      *laugh* Boom-tish!!

      Ferns

  2. Hi Ferns:

    I just typed this really long reply to your post with all sorts of deeply personal stuff in it then clicked “reply” instead of “post comment” and lost everything! DOH! Sorry but I can’t go through writing all of that down again.

    Suffice to say that orgasms for her are very important not just for her but for him. That said putting too much pressure on it or over thinking things can be counter productive. I think that’s part of what you were saying in your post and I agree. Great topic! Thanks for sharing about your thoughts and experiences.

    1. “I just typed this really long reply to your post with all sorts of deeply personal stuff in it then clicked “reply” instead of “post comment” and lost everything! DOH! ”

      This happens to me all the time now =P It’s helped curb my rambling!

      1. Used to happen to me all the time. There’s actually an add-on for firefox (and I bet other browsers too) that’s called “Lazarus Form Recovery” that saves stuff you typed in case you lose it. I love it and it has helped me a lot.
        Maybe it’ll help you, too. :)

    2. @HerMajestysPlaything: I am so sorry about that!! It’s a design flaw with this preview feature. I have tried to find a way to remove that silly ‘Reply’ link in the preview, but I am not savvy enough to do it.

      “That said putting too much pressure on it or over thinking things can be counter productive.”

      True, and it can be so damn hard to just ‘stop it’.

      Thanks for your comment, even though we lost the juicy one!

      Ferns

  3. Ferns,

    The only way you could be more awesome is if you were me. ;)

    With that said, this is good advice and I’m going to try to put it into practice. Apparently, my own brain is the one thing I have trouble controlling. Oh, and my orgasms. I can’t control those either. And inflation… appliances…

    Ok. There’s a lot I can’t control. Crap, meh, and fuck it.

    D

    1. “The only way you could be more awesome is if you were me.”

      Thank you! Oh wait… that was a compliment, right?

      “With that said, this is good advice and I’m going to try to put it into practice.”

      I hope it helps some. But you’ve already broken the orgasm barrier with J, so I’m hoping you don’t have to think about it anymore… *fingers crossed*

      “Crap, meh, and fuck it.”

      Yeah, that!

      Ferns

  4. Before I embraced my dominance, I would only cum when I was on top. Now I’m one of those super orgasmic women you mentioned and it really is all mental. It’s about letting go and not worrying about your partner. That’s easy to do when you know your partner gets his or her pleasure from pleasing you.

    Great topic! I’ve been meaning to write about it. I’m glad you did!

    1. “Now I’m one of those super orgasmic women you mentioned…”

      I hate you.

      “Before I embraced my dominance, I would only cum when I was on top.”

      Ahh, this is an interesting comment. I didn’t characterise my ‘getting over the barrier’ that way because I learnt all this before I had ever heard of BDSM, but I probably *could* reframe it if I wanted to rewrite my history with a ‘what I know now’ filter.

      “… it really is all mental. It’s about letting go and not worrying about your partner. That’s easy to do when you know your partner gets his or her pleasure from pleasing you.”

      I’d argue with ‘easy’ in my case, but yes. I think for me, I had trouble *trusting* that they reallytrulyreallyforrealz were okay with me not giving them *anything*. At least that’s what it felt like to me, but in fact, *allowing them to give me an orgasm* was HUGE for them.

      I love fabulous men. That is all.

      Ferns

      1. “I think for me, I had trouble *trusting* that they reallytrulyreallyforrealz were okay with me not giving them *anything*. At least that’s what it felt like to me, but in fact, *allowing them to give me an orgasm* was HUGE for them.

        I love fabulous men. That is all.”

        I’m still wrapping my head around this one. Well put. :)

  5. “….and a healthy dose of choosing men who think that giving me pleasure is the best thing EVER.” That’s it! That’s it!

    Great post!!!! I’m working on the ‘fuck him!’ voice! It really is a mental game and having some kinky fantasies helps also!!!

    ~ Vista

    1. *laugh* The “‘fuck him!’ voice” terminology so makes me laugh! Good on you!

      “It really is a mental game and having some kinky fantasies helps also!!!”

      Absolutely. If I can fill my head with hotness and ‘fuck you’ing, then there is no room for the troublemaking little naysayers in there!

      Ferns

  6. Ferns!
    This! This right here:
    ‘what is he doing, is he turned on, is he enjoying this, is he bored yet, maybe I should moan a bit more, did he just make an annoyed noise, omg this is taking so long, maybe I should stop him now …’
    …is EXACTLY what goes on in my head during sex.
    I am sort of creeped out that you have been reading my mind.

    1. Sorry Tilly, I’ll get out of there now that the post is done.

      *strange squelching noise*

      See, out!

      Also, yes you totally should have pasta for dinner!

      Ferns

    1. I DID read a blog post where a woman talked about ‘exercising to orgasm’. I think I asked her how, but then forgot where that blog was to see if she responded. That would be so awesome!! Unless you’re a squirter, then it is just messy and embarrassing for all concerned.

      And apparently yes, that’s the *real* reason…

      Ferns

  7. To me, the primacy of female orgasms is on essential for dominance. Why bother if you don’t come? My god, sex changed forever for me when masturbated to orgasm, at the speed and tempo I needed, with his mouth on my nipple before intercourse. After I came I was wet and so needing to fuck him, but only how I needed/wanted it. Ten years later, he warms me up with his tongue, but I finish off with my own hand. I come always, he would feel deprived if I didn’t and so would I. Then I crave playing with his cock in so many ways, but if I do not come it’s all like a warm massage.

    1. It sounds like you have never had any trouble orgasming and have lots of fun with your boy! Congratulations!

      We should all be so happy.

      Though a warm massage can be nice too.

      Ferns

  8. I think because it’s so easy for most men to reach orgasm, it puts a lot of pressure on women, especially the feeling that it should be easy and if it’s not: the fear that there’s something wrong. I’ve been in that headspace many times before and you’re right: it’s all about shutting up those voices and knowing you deserve it. And I can relate to that initial barrier too. Even as a submissive, your dom/me will enjoy bringing you to orgasm: as a treat because you were good, as part of a tease-denial game or whatever. Everyone I’ve played with was intent on giving me an orgasm as well.

    1. “I think because it’s so easy for most men to reach orgasm, it puts a lot of pressure on women…”

      I think that’s right and I *seem* to be seeing more and more pressure on women to not only have an orgasm, but also to have one from penetration, to have multiples, to squirt, to come from anal and I’m baffled by it.

      I saw a young guy start a forum discussion about how every other woman he had been with came from penetration and his current one didn’t and *he thought there was something wrong with her*. WTF?!

      *ranty rant rant*

      “I’ve been in that headspace many times before and you’re right: it’s all about shutting up those voices and knowing you deserve it.”

      Thanks for this. I’m glad it’s not just me. Stupid voices!

      Ferns

  9. I have been following the Orgasm Project myself, and commented that what had happened when IT happened, was that she finally relaxed, took a “fuck it, I am too tired to fight it,” attitude. Thanks for validating that.

    I find that when I don’t come, it is because I am fighting it by either thinking too much about other things, like the mechanics or logistics, or wondering how subby-hubby is feeling.

    Funny story: When he first revealed to me that he was seeing the doctor about erectile dysfunction (we are no spring chickens) my first thought was, “So? What do you need an erection for?” (He is awesome with the mouth work!)

    1. “I find that when I don’t come, it is because I am fighting it by either thinking too much about other things, like the mechanics or logistics, or wondering how subby-hubby is feeling.”

      I can relate. Even though I don’t use the ‘fuck you!’ voice anymore, I *do* need to get out of my own head. Not always easy.

      ““So? What do you need an erection for?” (He is awesome with the mouth work!)”

      *laugh* I can understand that. I LOVE hard cocks, they are just ‘raawwrrr!’, and there is sooo much pleasure to be had with them, but they are completely unnecessary to get me off.

      Ferns

  10. Thank you for this post. I’ve been with my love for over 20 years and STILL have difficulty orgasming from oral because those inner voices won’t STFU! I need to develop my own “fuck him” voice, complete with megaphone! *grins*

    1. *laugh* A megaphone?! Pervert!

      I do think that sometimes the voices are *really* hard to shut down, so I’m sure it’s not uncommon. I think I was lucky that I (mostly) managed to figure out how to make them STFU pretty early in my sex life, or I’d totally be trying the megaphone also!

      Ferns

  11. Thanks so much for this post! I have experienced some of what you talk about here, but never connected the dots as to why. I had never been able to get off via oral.. I could get painfully close, but not be able to let go. I could never figure out why, other than I was too in my head. The first person who succeeded was a one-nighter, someone I wasn’t all that interested in, and when she went down on me I fully accepted that it was all for me, without being overly concerned with her experience.

    It never made any sense to me, why her and not the people I was in long-term relationships with, whom I deeply trusted and cared for. I think you are so right here! Makes so much sense now. :)

    1. “…why her and not the people I was in long-term relationships with, whom I deeply trusted and cared for.”

      It seems so unfair and the total opposite of how it *should* be, right?

      I’m glad it made sense to you, and I hope it helps if you are still struggling some with it.

      Ferns

  12. In foreplay we need to get into a mood where we can best build the desire. Just before and when anyone has an orgasm they care about no one but themselves. When we are satisfied most of us do care about our partners. I notice Ferns that you do. You do care. I notice that when you say…

    “…It was not about… …I don’t care about you…”

    Most of us do care about our partners. Of course some do not care. I hope you will talk of that. Some partners even want partners who do not care about anyone but themselves. They find a big thrill in that. They find it hot.

    There is something else. It is one more voice in our heads. We all hear it. The world could seem boring without it. I hope you will talk of it. It is jealousy – the green eyed kind. I guess the strongest is sex jealousy. Even if you care for your partner you can still feel jealous of their orgasm. Does jealousy fire your desire or cool it? What if your partner is jealous of you? Does that then fire your desire or cool it?

    S.

    1. “Some partners even want partners who do not care about anyone but themselves. They find a big thrill in that. They find it hot.”

      Lots of people play with this in a D/s sense, but I don’t believe that there are many who want it in their long term primary romantic partners.

      “Even if you care for your partner you can still feel jealous of their orgasm.”

      I have never felt jealous of a partner’s orgasm… or do you mean ‘their orgasm with someone else’ kind of sexual jealousy?

      Ferns

  13. Thank you Ferns,

    1. Both halves of the partnership care.

    2. One half of the partnership cares for the other. But the other half cares just for their side.

    That’s right. No one much likes number two. Except you say that lots of people “play” with number two in a D/s sense. But not many want it in their long term primary romantic partners.

    According to this I would not “play”. Not short term or long term. I care. I want both halves of the partnership to care.

    On the jealousy point I was thinking that if each time you were desperate to come and could not but your partner could then, what would you feel?

    Satan

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