Really really want

At the dog park, I pointed out to e how his dog would run enthusiastically up to a group of dogs, and then she would stand there on the edge and see who was interested in playing with her. A kind of “Here I am, everyone… I’ve done my thing, now if you want to play with me, you have to come to me” thing.

e looked at me. “That’s just like you…”

I looked back at him.

He said, “You really only want to be with someone who really really wants to be with you.”

“Um, yeah… of course!”

We didn’t discuss it any further, but it has stuck with me for reasons I can’t quite fathom.

It was a statement of fact, and it’s totally true. But it’s hardly a revelation. What’s the alternative? Not just for me, but for anyone?

Is the other option being with someone who only ‘sort of’ wants to be with me, someone who is ‘making do’, someone who I have to *convince* to be with me? How would that even work?

I only want to be with someone who madly crazily stupidly wants to be with me, someone for whom being without me is unthinkable, unacceptable. Someone whose heart leaps in his chest when I enter the room, who looks at me with ‘that look’, that one that makes me melt from the inside. Someone who really *really* wants to be with me.

So yeah, that’s totally like me.

Except for the random butt sniffing part.

If he sniffs my butt, I’m done.

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28 Comments

  1. Yes, for me this is true too, and it also has an impact on how I practice BDSM. For instance, I’m not sure I’d stay with someone who made me “force” them to obey all the time, and I’m not interested in role play where I “force” someone to have sex with me.

    Why? Because I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

    I suspect men don’t identify with this as much because they’re often the pursuers. (Straight) men often feel like they have to make someone want them, I think, and few straight men get the experience of being pursued or being the object of desire.

    1. ” For instance, I’m not sure I’d stay with someone who made me “force” them to obey all the time, and I’m not interested in role play where I “force” someone to have sex with me.”

      For me: “Force” in play, yes please. In the day to day relationship, oh hell no!

      “I suspect men don’t identify with this as much because they’re often the pursuers. (Straight) men often feel like they have to make someone want them, I think, and few straight men get the experience of being pursued or being the object of desire.”

      This is such a great point.

      I have no problem pursuing, but I won’t pursue reluctant prey. I like shy, I like someone who peeks out from behind the bushes, but if I chase, he has to be playfully looking back at me in invitation, like a child’s game where he goes “Chase me, chase me!”, and he has to provide enough enticement to hold my interest.

      If he is genuinely running away, then that’s something *very* different. I have no interest in going after that.

      To me, the whole seduction thing is a dance, and both parties have a part to play. Disinterest on one side means it’s going nowhere, and you may as well drag a dead body around the dance floor.

      Thanks so much for that perspective.

      Ferns

  2. Meh, the dog has it right. Hey! this is me! I can do this! If someone else wants to play, sweet, otherwise, don’t bug me and let me do my own thing.

    I spent years being the pursuer so I quit that; too much here for me to be trying to get anyone’s attention other than saying “Give me your attention. NOW!” which I am starting to do.

    I think since all my crap last year, I am sick of just not saying what I want, getting what I want, and if you can’t offer it? Shove off… I don’t have time for that.
    But easier said than done… sigh

    1. ““Give me your attention. NOW!” which I am starting to do.”

      I love that! Good for you.

      I tend to do a bit of sideways manoeuvring, and one of the main reasons is because it takes me a while to decide if I *want* that person’s attention. I don’t like doing the “You, come here!” thing and THEN going “Nahh, you ain’t all that…” if it’s not a happening thang.

      I’d much rather gently nudge at each other a little, all casual-like, and then see if something sparkles.

      But in the end, however the interaction develops, he has to really really want to be with me, otherwise I’m not interested. As you say, if that’s the case, he can shove off!

      Ferns

    1. Sure, you say that now!!

      Being the butt sniffee is only a short turn around from being the butt sniffer! Butt sniffery is the crack of canine social interactions (see what I did there?! Pure poetry, I swear!).

      Ferns

      1. Haha, “butt sniffee” is an awesome construction. :D
        Just sayin. *Off to work now, in a much better mood than before*

  3. I only want to be with someone who madly crazily stupidly wants to be with me, someone for whom being without me is unthinkable, unacceptable.

    I can SO identify with this. Life is already full of compromise and settling for “good enough” in other areas. There can be nothing more exhausting than trying to convince someone to want to be with you. I tried and it eventually gave up. Nobody is worth that kind of effort. I would rather be alone.

    1. I think there is a difference between ‘convincing’ and ‘courting’, and I’m right with you… ‘convincing’ someone that they want to be with me is not a road I am going down.

      I can absolutely go with doing the relationship work to build what I want, including chasing and wooing and all that, but honestly, if it doesn’t progress on both sides, or it is not being reciprocated, I simply can’t understand why *anyone* would continue with it.

      For a start, my ego would not deal with it. I mean, how could he *not* think I was completely and amazingly awesome?! That just makes no sense!! What, is he stupid?! *laugh*

      I have to say that even if I have done a good share of the chasing, I *still* have to believe that he really really wants to be with me in the end. If I get a *hint* that he’s just swept up in it and ‘going along’, I’m done.

      Ferns

  4. “Is the other option being with someone who only ‘sort of’ wants to be with me, someone who is ‘making do’, someone who I have to *convince* to be with me? How would that even work?”

    Yes. I live in horror of being with someone who I think might be just ‘making do’ with me. But, maybe, too much horror. I can imagine getting to be a very crusty old bachelor, at which point I can imagine being overjoyed at just having one good, female friend.

    I think I live my life being torn by this question, as a daily thing.

    1. There *can* be ‘too much horror’ about it.

      If they say that they really really want to be with you, and they back it up with their actions, then believe them!!

      On the other hand, if you are having to leave trails of cookies in your wake to get them to come home with you, then, well, you might want to take a closer look at their level of enthusiasm…

      Ferns

  5. I wonder if the implication of ‘you want someone who really wants you’ is that if you were a twue dominant that you would be the kind of dog that went up to other dogs and grabbed them by the scruff of the neck and dragged them off.

    Me, I’d rather passionately and reciprocally be wanted.

    1. You know, I’m not quite sure what the implication was (nor why it stuck with me), but yes, it could well have been something like that.

      Well, perhaps not so extreme as ‘dragging them off’, but his dog certainly didn’t pick out a playmate from the group and then get all in their face to have them play with her.

      “Me, I’d rather passionately and reciprocally be wanted.”

      Yes, me too!

      Ferns

  6. I suspect men don’t identify with this as much because they’re often the pursuers. (Straight) men often feel like they have to make someone want them, I think, and few straight men get the experience of being pursued or being the object of desire.

    I think this is a really solid point, as a straight man who really wants to be the object of desire (so much so that I’d suggest that it may be the basis of my submissiveness) I can say it seems to be a difficult thing to achieve.

    1. I agree it’s a solid point, but *even as the object of desire*, there has to be reciprocity.

      If I expand on what I said above, I *love* a submissive to be the target for my predatory instincts, but I’m NEVER (I repeat, NEVER) going to seriously aim that attention at a man who doesn’t give me enough back to know that he passionately and wildly *wants* me to go there.

      I need to know that my attention will be received in the way it’s sent, and if it’s not, well, then if I persist, that just makes me an entitled, sad and creepy creeper harassing men who really aren’t into me. And that’s really no fun for either of us.

      Ferns

  7. Hi Ferns:

    I think you have a wonderful attitude about this. I know so many people who seem not to want to belong any club that includes them. I never got that. I can be pretty intense when I decide I have found “the one”. I know for a fact some women would find me “too much”. They seem to want someone who feigns disinterest or plays it cool. That was never my strong suit.

    I am the sort of mutt who falls head over heels and behaves exactly as you would like your doggie to behave. A few other things you should know about me; I love to have my belly rubbed and I never sniff a lady’s butt on the first date.

    1. “They seem to want someone who feigns disinterest or plays it cool. That was never my strong suit.”

      I think the dance is tricky, and even in the early stages you have to find someone who partners you well.

      I recently initiated correspondence with a man who I thought seemed interesting. He took his time to get back to me each time (a week or even more), and even though his emails were engaging enough, the lack of timely response made me feel as if it was one-sided.

      I asked him outright if he was interested in seeing if we were compatible. He came back a couple of weeks later with a ‘Yes, I’d love to!’, but by then I had already assumed that he wasn’t interested and had focussed my attention elsewhere.

      Now I have no idea if he *was* interested or wasn’t. It really doesn’t matter. What mattered was that *I* felt as if there was no reciprocity, and I’m not going to waste my time *convincing* someone who gives me a lukewarm response that I’m worth it.

      “A few other things you should know about me; I love to have my belly rubbed and I never sniff a lady’s butt on the first date.”

      *laugh* Noted!

      Ferns

  8. Amen, sister.
    Never settle for someone that doesn’t want you so wildly that they can’t live without you.
    Because that is the only way it should be and what we all deserve.
    -MK

  9. I’ve never been interested in a submissive that flings himself at everyone. I want him to be fiesty, argumentative, have an opinion and voice it. I want to know that if he says he adores me it was a battle that I won fair and square.

    However, unfortunately, that can be a weak point. I’ve run into quite a few passive-aggressive who try and manipulate that. They’re fiesty and then capitulate but then the REAL games start. I have no tolerance for someone who pulls away, gives the silent treatment, sulks, pouts or otherwise acts like a child.

    If I had to work to win them I’m sure as hell not playing some weird complicated game to KEEP them. Even if they desperately, truly want me, their actions better speak it loud and clear as well or I am so done with them.

    1. ” I want to know that if he says he adores me it was a battle that I won fair and square.”

      Ha! I get this, though ‘battle’ is not the word I would use. But I also very much want to know that he is submitting to me because he knows me, is wildly mad about me, has *chosen me*, versus someone else.

      It’s no different from any romantic relationship. A man who would grab desperately at anyone who happened by doesn’t appeal at all. It devalues him and it devalues me.

      “…if they desperately, truly want me, their actions better speak it loud and clear as well or I am so done with them.”

      I’m with you there. I don’t like to second guess and if someone is behaving in a way that belies his words, I’ll believe his actions every time.

      It sounds like you had some real gems come your way. I hope that’s not the case anymore.

      Ferns

  10. Seriously, why would anyone want to be with anyone who gives them the feeling that they are not wanted? I don’t get it. My last domme always gave me the feeling of distance, then again showering me with good things, then pulling back and giving me the could shoulder again. Like Anonymous above said: she gave me the feeling of being able to live qithout me quite well. It sucked. I now think that she wasn’t really quite right in the head, having to come to terms with being with a woman, being kinky etc and expressed that in a weird push-and-pull kind of way, making her into a bully rather than a domme.
    Now I have someone who gives me the feeling of being special and wanted and needed, but still makes me want to submit and devote myself to. Much better.

    1. “Seriously, why would anyone want to be with anyone who gives them the feeling that they are not wanted?”

      I know, right? Though I think there’s a whole range between ‘really really want’ vs ‘not wanted’.

      “My last domme always gave me the feeling of distance, then again showering me with good things, then pulling back and giving me the could shoulder again.”

      Ugh, yes, that sounds horrible and exhausting.

      “Now I have someone who gives me the feeling of being special and wanted and needed, but still makes me want to submit and devote myself to. Much better.”

      That sounds just wonderful! *happy sigh*

      Anyway, where’s my happy femdom story, hmmm?!!!

      Ferns

        1. Oh! *laugh*

          Well, how can someone’s happiness *ever* be a disappointment!!? That’s just not possible!

          Ferns

        2. Well, okay, a little selfish disappointment at the ‘no happy femdom story’ thing… but only a little…

          Ferns

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