I already mentioned that I met another submissive when I was visiting e. We have kept in close touch, and have developed this very intense ‘thing’ (I am not quite sure what to call it exactly).
When we met, I was still emotionally wrapped up with e as we petted each other a little and built our friendship in the aftermath of it not working out. My emotions don’t just switch off when they were engaged, so I wasn’t aiming predatory eyes at him when we got together, even though the frisson of the dynamic between us was clearly humming, if not crackling.
There is no D/s in our interactions now either, though we flirt with it a little, as we did when we met, but I am not playing with it, or with him. We email a lot (I think the record was 43 in a day), we have had 9 and 10 hour phone calls, and topics of conversation are wide ranging and interesting. He is one of those incredibly rare and fascinating people who is capable of being so completely open that his emotions are right there on the table, piled high, all complex and tangled and lit up like sparklers.
His physical reactions to me are shocking in their unfathomable being and intensity. They are shocking to him as a grown man whose responses are suddenly so foreign that they frighten him a little, who feels like he can’t quite understand his own body suddenly. And they are shocking to me because they are the kind of reactions I might expect if we were playing, and playing intensely. But we aren’t.
Emotionally, he is caught up in this exchange with me, it is intimate and sweet and revealing. I get a lot out of this with him for a million different reasons, all of which boil down to the relatively simple fact that I enjoy him very much. I find his openness completely fascinating: it is so very rare, and one of the qualities I am in absolute awe of. And, of course, having the rapt attention of a smart, funny and fabulous man who looks at me ‘that way’ is intoxicating and beyond lovely.
He is a newbie, so contributing in no small part to this maelstrom is the fact that he is discovering himself with me, and that is an immensely powerful place to be. I am privileged to be involved in it, to be metaphorically holding his hand and literally whispering in his ear.
I worry about him getting hurt, and we have talked about this. His view is that he may never feel like this again, and he is willing to wear the cost in order to experience it. Personally, I love that sort of bravery, and think it makes perfect sense because when you have the chance to feel something amazing, it seems to me that you should grab it with both hands. But I still worry and fret over him and the inevitable crash.
We have also talked about what ‘this’ is with us and where it goes, and the answer is that it is unlikely to go anywhere. If he was in the same city as me, I would absolutely spend time with him to see what’s what, but my appetite for spending thousands on yet another first (fourth!) date is low. If he wants to see me, I will happily come and visit on his dime, but he is not in a position to make that happen right now.
I keep telling him that with time he will get over the intensity of his feelings but he is not having it, he simply doesn’t believe me. We are now at the point where we joke about it. The other night when he went to bed just after 4am instead of staying up all night to talk to me, we had this little exchange:
Me : …voluntary bedtime before 5am! See, I told you it would wear off… heh.
Him: I know. It’s *totally* wearing off. And by ‘totally wearing off’ I mean ‘not wearing off at all’.
So story-wise, this is a rather self contained one, but still one worth telling for the sweetness I am gleaning from it. It is what it is, and I am happily enjoying this ‘thing’ for as long as it is a ‘thing’ to be enjoyed.