Plane-thoughts

I wrote this on the plane, feeling an exhausted self pity and loneliness.

Please don’t read too much into it. It is the ultimate in self indulgent crap, really, and like all of these things, it is a moment’s snippet and while it lingers a little, it is already over and I am not wailing or tearing my hair out. It will dissipate soon enough when I have had some sleep and recalibrated a little. I just figure that if I am sharing things here, well, there are these moments also.

___

I am sad and lonely and feeling sorry for myself… I have just taken drugs, so expect I will be asleep soon, but in the meantime, I am so fucking sad.

It is about e, but it is also about opportunities lost, about wishing for more, about yearning, it is about fear, it is about being so fucking tired I can’t think straight.

I don’t often feel like this, but I am indulging it. I’m allowed.

I feel the kind of passion I want so fucking rarely that it’s almost like a myth, I am made sad by imagining its rarity: at its worst, it makes me feel a little desperate and a little hopeless.

I (finally) felt ready to open up to someone new, and it hurts my feelings that it didn’t work out.

I am just… disappointed and tired and I want to sleep for a week.

e and I had such a sweet goodbye that I am sad about that also now. Gentle touches, tight hugs, tenderness, and mutual ‘sorries’ that it didn’t work out as we had hoped. It was worth a try, really it was, but it makes me fucking exhausted to think about trying to find the energy and interest to have a go at it again. Right now it seems like so much work to even be open to it, I can’t imagine having the motivation to think about it, much less to do it.

I wonder sometimes if I will just be alone for the rest of my life, or if I will settle for a sweet boy who loves me madly and for whom I will feel a lukewarm kind of sweet affection. The thought is so depressing that I could cry.

And now a baby is crying up the front there and I know exactly how she feels. Hungry, tired, alone, upset, frustrated. Don’t let them shut you up, baby… you cry all you want. When you are a grown up, you aren’t really allowed to do that anymore, it is self indulgent and immature and rather pointless…

Soon, I will fall asleep. When I wake I will be close to home and I can shake this off, and start to get back to normal. Whatever that means.

Self indulgence is not normally my thing. But fuck it.

*sigh*

Just… fuck it.

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26 Comments

    1. I wouldn’t DARE! And thank you for the hugs.

      I have had 10 hours of sleep now, and have my first coffee of the day. Soon I will be all about the rainbows and puppies.

      In fact, this is already making me happy this morning.

      Ferns

  1. I’m sure once she wakes up Katherine and I will have a discussion about this. Sad posts about e have sparked a number of sad conversations between us. When I met her she was graduating from college and I was a sophomore. She was leaving for a new job and I was staying for school. All that tension made us fatalistic about the relationship. We decided to make it a sort of “summer fling” so that we wouldn’t get too attached when things came between us in the fall. While we didn’t end that summer that fatalism still hangs over us, and honestly I share some of the same insecurities as you.

    Sometimes I feel like it will never work out, that it’s going to fucking hurt when it falls to pieces. And we’ve talked about it and we’ve cried about it together. That night I read Aristophanes’s Speech from Plato’s Symposium to Katherine in bed. We look for a person to fill these holes in ourselves, and it hurts the most when you find someone who comes so close but still you don’t fit together. It’s the most unfair feeling, almost happiness, fleeting happiness, and I’m sorry that you are feeling it.

    1. Well gee. Sometimes you let yourself be all mushy on the internet only for the woman next to you to wake up and make you feel silly for it. There’s a reason she’s the boss… and she’s awesome at it. Also my nickname is “drama queen” for a week so hopefully I’ll learn my lesson.

      1. *smile* I very much appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I love it when people come and do that! Stories are a big part of how we relate to people.

        AND the fact that Katherine ensured that they were fleeting is the icing on the cake.

        This is the best of all possible worlds!!

        Ferns

  2. You know that your happiness is infectious, and similarly your sadness is totally catching… So, I’m afraid that you will realize that when I wish you all the best it is in a totally selfish manner.

    Don’t realize that, just feel better, good things will happen.

    1. I will totally not realize that. I know that you are completely altruistic and wish nothing for anyone that has any personal goodness in it whatsoever.

      I saw ‘Contagion’ on the plane. This is how happiness and sadness works… I think that was the underlying message. And then everyone dies.

      Ferns

  3. No one ever fills all those holes,Aaron that’s a myth. Even “love at first sight” is usually merely sexual infatuation.
    Everyone “settles” for a less than perfect spouse or lover eventually , or they deservedly go wanting.
    Know why?
    Because we are human, not Divine, and hence imperfect.

    1. “Everyone “settles” for a less than perfect spouse or lover eventually, or they deservedly go wanting.”

      I disagree about ‘settling’, but agree about everyone being imperfect

      It’s not about being perfect, it’s about ‘fitting together’ with all of your various imperfections.

      ‘Settling’ implies that you are trying to make something fit that really doesn’t, so you go ‘oh well, we don’t really fit, but you will do’. I don’t think that the reasons for settling are EVER good ones (loneliness, desperation, belief that you won’t do better, companionship, low expectations etc…).

      Ferns

      1. Ms. Ferns:

        “Settling” to many people does connote totally losing a sexual or otherwise fantasy lover.

        What one really has to do is decide on one’s needs from a partner and one’s wants from a partner and what one is willing to tolerate or compromise with, because inevitably there will be points of disagreement about things one considers important.

        For instance your sexual needs for male submission could fall under ‘needs’. Therefore you might find a male who fits those needs, but isn’t as tall as you would like or who has more conservative politics than you would like. Of course I don’t know all your needs and wants Mistress Ferns, but my advice to you would be to hold tight for your needs and be willing to compromise a bit on the wants (wants being nice-to-have but not essential for you to be happy).

        The other thing is , while its ok to try to find someone to fit some of the pieces of your imperfections, as if a puzzle was being completed, the odds are actually against finding someone to fit ALL the pieces of the puzzle.

        Lastly, it depends on what you want to do with your life. If having children is something you want to do you have to work harder faster in order to do so than if not. Similarly if having a career that involves all kinds of travel is something you feel important to you, just understand that there will be tradeoffs for your private time and what subs might be willing to put up with long absences.

        1. “What one really has to do is decide on one’s needs from a partner and one’s wants from a partner and what one is willing to tolerate or compromise with, because inevitably there will be points of disagreement about things one considers important.”

          Agreed. I don’t do lists, I don’t have requirements… I just want that intangible thing, which makes it more difficult in some ways, and easier in others.

          I wrote this post where I mentioned incompatibilities with e… Had there been ‘something’ there, I would not have cared, and I know he would not have cared either. I have no doubt that we would have been able to sort it out if the work required had been worth it.

          Ferns

  4. Clarence says…

    ‘…Everyone “settles” for… …less than perfect… …or they deservedly go wanting…’

    That means don’t chase the end of the rainbow! You will deserve to go wanting!

    But it means this as well.

    Try for the best match you can, and you might find that. You will not then deserve to go wanting.

    Satan

    1. “Try for the best match you can, and you might find that.”

      Yes! I don’t consider that ‘settling’. Settling is when you go ‘meh, you’ll do’.

      Ferns

  5. So sorry Ferns. This particular situation almost made Me throw in the towel two and a half years ago. I kept looking, with My heart barely in it…and then he came.

    I agree that no one is perfect and the imperfections of each can make a perfect whole despite all the issues attendant with those imperfections. I and My rory are living, breathing proof.

    Keep plodding on…treasure can take much time and effort and heartbreak to find, but it is so well worth it when it finally arrives, and shines so bright when it does. With all the flaws, he is still My treasure, two and a half years later…My beautiful flawed and shining gem.

    1. ” I kept looking, with My heart barely in it…and then he came.”

      *smile* I’m so glad you found him.

      I don’t really ‘look’, I just wait for prey quietly, in the bushes, like a hungry lion, growling occasionally, and sometimes running out to take an exploratory bite at something, just to taste it… *laugh*

      “…treasure can take much time and effort and heartbreak to find, but it is so well worth it when it finally arrives, and shines so bright when it does.”

      So true! The shiny will sneak up on me when I am not looking…

      Ferns

        1. It’s not as funny the second go ’round, but that does sorta make me feel like the ‘Man in Black’… just sayin’…

  6. “It is the ultimate in self indulgent crap”

    No… no… Not at all. This post was quite moving. I couldn’t help but remember that I felt very much on my plane ride home after going to visit someone that I had grown quite fond of. I even put down in words what I was thinking at that moment but mine was a bit darker and full of self loathing. The thoughts were however essentially the same.

    My hurt and disappointment eventually shrank down to become one of those cracks in my heart that I run my fingers over on occasion… A bittersweet little thing that has just become another part of me.

    I am really sorry that things didn’t work out as you had wanted and hope you are feeling better. *HUG*

    Thank you for sharing such a personal moment with us.

    1. “No… no… Not at all. This post was quite moving.”

      Well, thank you.

      “I couldn’t help but remember that I felt very much on my plane ride home after going to visit someone that I had grown quite fond of.”

      No wait! That was a terrible tease. Did it not work out either? I assume so. But why darkness and self loathing? WHAT HAPPENED?!

      Perhaps planes are the problem?!

      Ferns

  7. Ferns-

    ahhh….beautiful woman. It happens to us all, not that that fact makes it less hurtful to you.

    Whenever I feel like this, I compare myself to others. A few weeks ago I was feeling royally pissed and ranting about the unfairness of a legal battle thing (that cost me much) – but then saw the lady that takes care of me at the shipping place. Her house and all her belongings had just burnt up in a fire. I donated $100 to her and told myself that I am lucky while hugging her as she cried over losing all her family photos.

    When I look at your relationship/lack of…I remember that I was unhappily married for 20 years. I didnt meet my perfect mate until I was 38 (after a horrid marriage/divorce and 3 kids). I hope that isnt depressing – at least you haven’t gotten in the wrong relationship and been stuck. That is far more torturous than not having a relationship. Oh the times I longed to be alone!

    It is good to have the rant/indulgence and feeling sorry for yourself. But it does help to put it in perspective when it is time to snap out of it.

    hugs,
    MistressKimm

    1. “Whenever I feel like this, I compare myself to others.”

      I’m comparing myself to you… *cries and cries*

      Oh wait… I understand what you mean. I was doing it wrong…

      “I remember that I was unhappily married for 20 years.”

      Ugh… yes, you are so right. Being in a relationship that makes you unhappy is so much worse. And even then, there are many many things worse than that. I don’t at all feel hard done by in life.

      “It is good to have the rant/indulgence and feeling sorry for yourself. But it does help to put it in perspective when it is time to snap out of it.”

      You are so right. It’s done. Plane-thoughts don’t belong in the real world. I am seriously starting to blame planes…

      Next time, I’m taking a boat.

      Ferns

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