And so it goes

I am not sure how much I want to write in this update about e, but I did want to just get it out there and fill in the details later. Or not.

The shortest of short stories is that there is no spark between us.

Sitting at a bar, after the first full day together, I asked e how he thought it was going. He said he wasn’t sure yet. I was a little more optimistic with some very light play being hot to me (though he touched me like he was handling a mack truck, so that was a big clue, really), and seeing enough potential to keep my mind open. The end of the evening, though, was awkward, disappointing, telling.

He called it on the second day: he was not ‘feeling it’. I would have persevered a little longer to see if there was potential that might have been possible to draw out after all that went before, but he was clearly not attracted to me, so there was nothing there to build on.

There is no fault or blame here, e is charming and sweet and is making a big effort to ensure that I have a good time. We have been hanging out every day and we do get along really well. So at least there’s that.

As for me, I am a little shaken, deflated, ego-bruised. I hate that I got it wrong (this is the first time, which spoils my perfect record!), and I wished for so many things, which I think, this optimistic and hopeful wishful thinking, was part of the problem that I created for myself.

*sigh* I so wanted a happy ending. Or at least a whole bunch of kissing. Fuck.

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34 Comments

  1. Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. And I’m sorry you’ve had to contend with us being a bunch of eager yipping puppies, and scratching at the door in anticipation of your return. It must make posting about it a bit harder.

    I’m glad e is at least making you feel welcome, and I hope you have an enjoyable trip away, as much as possible. It sucks when things don’t work out the way we expect, but I think to live in fear of disappointment is worse.

    Jx

    1. And I’m sorry you’ve had to contend with us being a bunch of eager yipping puppies, and scratching at the door in anticipation of your return. It must make posting about it a bit harder.”

      *smile* No no no! I think the public nature of it makes it harder, yes… but that’s nothing new (ref: my last breakup!), but the huge plus side is that I know that most of you are right there with me with the hopeful and wishful thinking, and that’s beyond lovely.

      “…I think to live in fear of disappointment is worse.”

      *nods wildly* I have to give things a go and it inevitably means taking the hits that could otherwise have been avoided. I hope I never get to the point where I am too scared to make the leap.

      Ferns

  2. Well, that”s a shame. I know I am not the only one hoping you’d be having a great time.

    Still, it gives your many admirers hope that we might someday have a chance, never minding existing relationships, large distances, implausible causality chains, and the vagaries of time, space, and everything. :-)

    I for one don’t place much importance on the in-person spark. I have even experienced the opposite; where I met someone online, developed a huge crush, met her in person, had absolute negative run-run-run-away vibes, persevered, and gained a hugely valued friend, play partner, and erotic force in my life. The real spark was between the minds.

    Warm wishes always!

    1. “Still, it gives your many admirers hope that we might someday have a chance, never minding existing relationships, large distances, implausible causality chains, and the vagaries of time, space, and everything.”

      *smile* Well, I shall wait with bated breath for the brave ones to raise their heads above the parapet.

      “I for one don’t place much importance on the in-person spark…The real spark was between the minds.”

      I am half in and half out with your view of this.

      For me, the in-person spark is vital, but it is made up of so many indefinable factors in each area (mental, emotional, physical) that the complexity of it makes it impossible to predict or describe. For me, it is an almost visceral recognition that floors me, makes my head spin, and it can be built upon if there is a foundation for it. It is like coming home, with hard and wet bits *laugh*.

      “Warm wishes always!”

      Thank you dear Étienne.

      Ferns

  3. I am happy to hear you’re making the best of it and hopefully can enjoy a nice vacation. I can imagine that it would be deflating, as you said… but is better to find out now then to try carrying on the online thing for a long stretch of time… and then find out. I still think it’s very brave of you to share all of it with us… I mean just putting it out there in the first place with the unknowing.

    Happy endings do exist though… don’t be dissuaded! On to the next! You never find it if you don’t try! You get like mega points for the trying!

    So does he have any sexy friends to introduce you to? hehe

    1. “I am happy to hear you’re making the best of it and hopefully can enjoy a nice vacation.”

      Well, e is being amazing with me, and I appreciate it. We have just come back from lunch and drinks at a lovely little bar. I am shortly meeting another submissive man who I have been emailing with for a while, so that should be fun.

      “I still think it’s very brave of you to share all of it with us…”

      *smile* It is good for my ego to put the hard stuff out there, otherwise it gets out of control!

      “You never find it if you don’t try! You get like mega points for the trying!”

      Thank you! I will take the mega points and try and get a free wine at the next cocktail bar I go to!

      “So does he have any sexy friends to introduce you to? hehe”

      *laugh* A woman after my own heart! I haven’t asked him this question and he hasn’t offered… I must get on that!

      Ferns

  4. “And I’m sorry you’ve had to contend with us being a bunch of eager yipping puppies, and scratching at the door in anticipation of your return.”

    What J said.

    I’m sorry as well.

    I think the in-person connection, the initial feel of it, can be skewed by circumstances like these, so much you’ve been guessing about the way a voice interacts with facial expressions and body gestures. Scary to first meet up and difficult to gauge chemistry. Brave of you both to make this attempt. Maybe getting along very well can be your start, and a spark can come later.

    Or as Sweets said, “On to the next!”

    1. “I’m sorry as well.”

      Please don’t be sorry, I appreciate the interest, truly.

      “Maybe getting along very well can be your start, and a spark can come later.”

      I think that can happen, for sure, but I also think that sometimes it’s just not there.

      I know there have been times when I *wished* the sexual zing zing was there with wonderful men I have known, but I could not manufacture it no matter how much I wanted to. That’s just how it goes sometimes.

      Ferns

  5. Oh, I’m sorry to hear, Ferns. Not to sound as though I am suggesting this will happen, but merely offering personal experience: A physical connection and attraction can occur after the spark between the minds, as Etienne put it, has been made.

    What is attraction, anyway, and what makes one “feel it”? Are those even things that one should build a relationship on? The body ages. I think the mind is where the real and true connection occurs.

    1. “A physical connection and attraction can occur after the spark between the minds, as Etienne put it, has been made.”

      I agree, and that’s what I hoped would happen. A level of mind-sparking was there, but it still wasn’t right… this is the risk of the remote thing.

      “What is attraction, anyway, and what makes one “feel it”?”

      Ha! If that was answerable, then we would all find it a lot easier. I think it’s different for everyone: for me, it’s the zing-zing (sooo complex, rare, special) and we both have to bring it and it has to mesh or it won’t work.

      I don’t conflate ‘attraction’ with the purely physical, though. It’s part of it, sure, but to me, attraction is multi-layered across the mental, emotional and physical domains PLUS a whole bunch of intangibles that make it work. If one domain is strong enough, it may outweigh the others, but I need them all to have some heft.

      “The body ages. I think the mind is where the real and true connection occurs.”

      Sure, but for me, without passion and hunger (zing-zing!), what I have is a friend. If I don’t want to tear his clothes off, rip his skin from his bones and get inside him because he raises this incredible hunger in me (and vice versa), then I can have all the mental connection in the world and what it will add up to is a new best friend forever (not to be sneezed at, but not the same thing).

      I do think that the zing-zing can be built over time spent together and slowly uncovering a ‘holy fuck!’ when maybe it’s not front-and-centre, but when it’s remote, time is a luxury that I don’t have.

      I’d add that I am not trying to convince you of anything or discounting your experience: we are all different, of course! It’s just how it works for me.

      I have more thoughts on this, but this is a hellishly long comment already! Thank you for sparking it.

      Ferns

  6. This is such a bummer. I’m fully prepared to write this guy off as an idiot for not knowing a good thing when it bites him on the ass.

    You never said where you are for your vacation, but based on how long you said your flight was, I think it’s technically possible (In Peroxide’s happy little dream world) that you could be in my city. if you, know you wanted a consolation latte.

    1. “This is such a bummer.”

      I know, it is totally a bummer.

      “I’m fully prepared to write this guy off as an idiot for not knowing a good thing when it bites him on the ass.”

      I appreciate the outrage on my behalf, but e has been perfectly honest and up-front (and plus, he is really quite wonderful) and I cannot ask for more from him than that. If we could will ourselves to feel something for someone that we don’t, we would all be much happier, wouldn’t we?

      That cute, smart girl you know who makes you laugh and is pretty awesome and who likes you, don’t you *wish* you liked her more? Wouldn’t that make things easier and maybe fabulous? But, if you don’t, you don’t *shrug*.

      “I think it’s technically possible (In Peroxide’s happy little dream world) that you could be in my city. if you, know you wanted a consolation latte.”

      I would totally be hitting you up for a coffee if I were in your city! Thank you for the offer.

      Ferns

      1. Well phooey! on two counts, I wanted to have some outrage for you going on for a bit.

        Also I was totally hoping you might be in the neighborhood.

        *sigh*

        Well, have fun on the rest of your vacation.

        1. “Also I was totally hoping you might be in the neighborhood.”

          *laugh* You would have heard from me wayyyyy before now if that were the case…

          Ferns

  7. pppfffft. If he wasn’t bowled over with you and slobbering at your feet in desperation, then he is not the one for you. You are amazing and deserve nothing less. Forget all that talk above about giving it more of chance. Goddesses (of which you are one, clearly) deserve obvious and complete worship. So, you haven’t found it yet. It is a shame, but you my dear….will.

    -MistressKimm

    1. “If he wasn’t bowled over with you and slobbering at your feet in desperation, then he is not the one for you.”

      *smile* I don’t need the foot slobbering desperation, but at least a modicum of bowling over-ed-ness is mandatory!

      “You are amazing and deserve nothing less. So, you haven’t found it yet. It is a shame, but you my dear….will.”

      It’s a total deep-sighing shame, yes, and thank you for the positive thoughts. At the deepest part of the sigh, I do wonder sometimes.

      Ferns

  8. Oh Ferns… So sorry… :(
    I’m glad e is at least trying to show you a good time. Hopefully you’ll have time for some ‘retail therapy’… Shoe shopping perhaps? Check out some ‘toy stores’!
    Big hugs to you… In time it will have been a learning experience, and who knows… The trip isn’t over yet! Who knows what adventure might be lurking around the corner.

    1. “I’m glad e is at least trying to show you a good time.”

      I am too, and he is doing a stellar job of it.

      I have an evening out with another submissive who I have been emailing with for a while later on tonight (NOT a potential, for those who might get excited, but a lovely man nevertheless).

      “Big hugs to you… The trip isn’t over yet! Who knows what adventure might be lurking around the corner.”

      Thank you for the hugs, and also for the positive optimism!

      Ferns

  9. You know, the weird thing is that I had something similar happen to me but the other way around. We were there physically, oh, we were totally there. It was magic. But emotionally, we just..couldn’t..quite connect. We loved each other, we adored each other but we were somehow always one step off. One of us was always pulling away when the other was pushing.

    After two and a half years he finally had to call it although many times in those intervening months I had made the same point. Strangely, we found we were amazing friends without that pressure and are meeting again for the first time in many months this next week. The spark is still there although for a while it had faded completely. Now, it is there and it is stronger for both of us having been willing to let go when we needed to.

    1. “After two and a half years he finally had to call it although many times in those intervening months I had made the same point.”

      Oh! Thank you for sharing your story.

      This is really what I mean about attraction being across (mental, emotional, physical) domains: it is not just one or the other, all of them have to fire for it to work.

      “Strangely, we found we were amazing friends without that pressure and are meeting again for the first time in many months this next week.”

      I wish you the very best of luck with it. Fingers crossed that you are in synch this time and have a wonderful outcome.

      Ferns

  10. Well that sucks. Sorry to hear that Ferns. I’m sure everyone was hoping for a happy ending. Or a happy beginning I guess.

    When I first spotted the post title in my interactive blogroll widget thingy it was an instant “Damn. I hope that’s just a fake out title, and she’s just messing with us.” Obviously not.

    Hope you can at least enjoy the rest of your vacation.

    -paltego

    1. “Well that sucks. Sorry to hear that Ferns. I’m sure everyone was hoping for a happy ending. Or a happy beginning I guess.”

      It SO sucks, yes! A happy beginning would have been ideal.

      “Hope you can at least enjoy the rest of your vacation.”

      Thank you! And I am yes, it is (surprisingly) not at all awkward with us… it is warm and friendly and even sweetly affectionate, with obligatory growling at each other and eye rolling over various things. Quite fun.

      Ferns

  11. *sighs* Noaw I haz a sadz :( (<—–See sadz face )

    I am sorry hon but sometimes it just doesn't happen does it? Unlike some folks here I think it was a decent thing E did to be honest and say it wasn't there.
    That said the ummm "item" is available and fully charged should you feel the need to zap some sense into him!

    Coug

    1. “Noaw I haz a sadz”

      Me too, but yes, that’s how it goes sometimes.

      “Unlike some folks here I think it was a decent thing E did to be honest and say it wasn’t there.”

      Yes, he has never had a problem being forthright, which is one of the things I like about him and it was absolutely the right thing to do. I don’t think anyone here had a problem with him doing it, I think it’s more like an incredulous “How can he not think you are teh awesome?!!!”. I know, right? How can he not?! It’s baffling.

      “That said the ummm “item” is available and fully charged should you feel the need to zap some sense into him!”

      Thanks, I’ll keep that sucker for the day I leave… heh.

      Ferns

  12. It’s a real shame that things didn’t work out. That said, it might have been a logistical nightmare if they had. In any case, I want to implore you not to lose your optimism. Optimism is what makes life worth living.

    1. “That said, it might have been a logistical nightmare if they had.”

      This is so true! IF it had been perfection, the path ahead was going to be about as challenging as it gets, and while I was willing to deal with it, I am not sorry that I don’t have to. <= See that, that's me looking at the silver lining, pure optimism!In any case, I want to implore you not to lose your optimism."I'll do my best. See above.Ferns

  13. Ferns we have all followed this journey with you and thank you for being so brave to share it with us. There are many phrases I could use at this point, like “nothing ventured nothing gained.” But words cannot take away your disappointment. Your many readers are thinking of you and send you a big “HUG”!

    1. “There are many phrases I could use at this point, like “nothing ventured nothing gained.” But words cannot take away your disappointment.”

      Yes, thank you for resisting the platitudes, and I appreciate the kind thoughts.

      “Your many readers are thinking of you and send you a big “HUG”!”

      I’ll so take it! I promise I don’t have any cooties.

      Ferns

  14. Ferns,

    I was cheering for you the whole time. Sorry it didn’t work out but you have a lovely story out of it and experiences like this are what makes life interesting, if you ever find your way out in my neck of the woods feel free to drop me a line at least to show you around and point you in the directions of some deserving guys. Not that you don’t have a line forming again with this news haha.

    1. “I was cheering for you the whole time.”

      Thanks, I heard you… cute pom-poms too!

      “… if you ever find your way out in my neck of the woods feel free to drop me a line at least to show you around and point you in the directions of some deserving guys.”

      Thanks for the offer, I appreciate it. I should get a worldwide network happening so that fabulous eligible men are funnelled my way…

      Ferns

  15. F&$/§%$)§ damn!
    That really sucks. Though I guess you knew it on some level, writing about your incompatibilities and all … right?

    I have no idea where exactly you are right now (or even on which continent), but if you’re in Europe, feel free to drop by my place in Vienna ;) I’m not a male sub but I have board games.

    1. “F&$/§%$)§ damn! That really sucks.”

      Yeah, it does!

      “Though I guess you knew it on some level, writing about your incompatibilities and all … right?”

      The incompatibilities were on the table to be worked through *if* there was something there, but yes, I kind of barrelled through some niggling concerns in the back of my mind, and I don’t normally do that. I was just so excited to find someone who fired me up that I was like a greedy child reaching for candy going *want want WANT* *laugh*.

      That inner child is a complete brat and will not be silenced!

      “…if you’re in Europe, feel free to drop by my place in Vienna I’m not a male sub but I have board games.”

      Ahhh Vienna! Thank you for the offer, I do love me some board games!

      Ferns

  16. Dear Sx… you know my feelings on this and so many others have expressed similar thoughts so well before me!

    Lots of love , b!!

  17. Dear Ferns and inner talking child,

    Just a spark would have been perfect.

    It is good that there were no wrong sparks, explosions, crash landings or broken hearts.

    You are doing well.

    Try again.

    Yours,

    Satan

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