Great expectations

The first thing I asked of e did not go so well.

It was a small thing, a simple thing… I had asked him a question in an email. He had been formulating an answer, he reassured me that he had not forgotten, but it was taking days, too long.

I gave him a deadline. He agreed to it.

Then he failed to meet it.

He sent me a note some 5 minutes after the deadline explaining that he had had a bad morning, that it was on its way. The email itself arrived about an hour after the deadline. He said that if his explanation was not sufficient, he would accept my punishment.

___

Hello e,

I checked my email about 10 minutes before midnight, and I thought, “It’s fine, he is fucking about with it and will send it a minute before midnight.” I honestly didn’t believe that you would miss the deadline for a moment.

The start of your day was rough, I understand, and am glad it was sorted, but if it really was that dire that it took up all of your time, and you recognised that you weren’t going to hit the time earlier on, and had asked for a bit longer, I might have given it to you. Contacting me after it was already due to say that it wasn’t done is something else entirely.

There is no punishment here. I have no interest in starting off this way, with this cycle where you don’t do what I ask and a punishment somehow makes it okay. If you are mine, and punishment is warranted, then that is a different scenario. Right now, we are just feeling each other out to see what’s what.

Some advice:

Do what you say you will do.

It’s not very complicated.

I said to you earlier not to over promise and under deliver. I am serious about it. Any idiot off the street can do that, and make excuse after excuse as to why they didn’t do what they said they would do, on things both big and small. Some excuses are credible, some are not. It really doesn’t matter much if the result is the same over and again.

I want to say dramatically that this is the first thing I have asked of you, and I thought a relatively minor one, but my poor memory doesn’t allow me the luxury of saying it and pointing out the result of it. Regardless, you have to earn my trust that when I ask things of you, you will do it… if you ‘might’ do it, or not, then I have no interest in it. That whole ‘will he/ won’t he’ thing gives me nothing to build on.

I expect a lot from you because I want you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t bother.

If you are sorry, then apologise. If you don’t understand why I am going on about it, then we need to talk about it.

Ferns

___

He did understand it, he was abjectly sorry for disappointing me, he immediately apologised and explained his mindset a little further.

Prior to this, I had had 100% faith in him. It had not really occurred to me that there would be a problem, so I was shaken by it (not in an ‘earth trembling/the sky is falling’ kind of way, but in an ‘hmmm, okay, I need to downgrade my expectations here’ kind of way). It was not a good feeling. Something that should have been sweet, was not.

It’s not the ‘thing’ that is important for me, it is the trust in his obedience, and if I can’t get it with the small things, then I’ve got buckleys of getting it with the big ones.

There is a difference between ‘knowing’ something in a vague and theoretical way (because we have talked about it) and really *knowing* it when you are in it. This is true especially when it doesn’t seem like a big thing. This is part of the learning curve: e does not know me so well yet, and getting to the point where he understands my expectations will take some time. I’m okay with it, but this one just seemed like such a no-brainer that I had literally not had a single thought about it going wrong.

We talked about it, we dealt with it, we moved on.

The positive thing to come out of it is that he handled the entire thing with grace, which is a wonderful insight for me. It gives me confidence that we will be able to work things out when we hit snags. He ‘got it’, he explained without being overly defensive, he did not close down or withdraw, he remained engaged, he was genuinely contrite, he promised to do better.

By the time it was all sorted, I wanted nothing more than to have him kneel by me, make him kiss my feet and tell him that it was going to be okay. That I got to that point of feeling tenderness after the fact, rather than distance, was a *really* good outcome.

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37 Comments

  1. He broke his promise? Already the first time u asked him something? And he had an excuse? A “but” one? And then u come up with things like: “e does not know me so well yet, and getting to the point where he understands my expectations will take some time”?

    Let me tell u lady:

    – It will happen again.

    – U r in the wishful thinking zone now

    – Get rid of the mommy femdom feelings

    – Beware of the “but” people.

    Of cors, this all is coming to u from one who probably dealt with more males than u ever will meet.

    Still, i wish that i’m wrong this time, and wish u a glorious ride into the sunset with ur e.

    ****** Anita was passing by when i wrote this to u. She took the time to get a glimpse of ur blog, and whispered in my ear: “Tell her to dump the guy”******

    Geeez, what a pessimist! No trust at all!

  2.  …this one just seemed like such a no-brainer that I had literally not had a single thought about it going wrong.

    It could very well seemed like a “no brainer” to him as well. The main difference here may have been in the perception of what was expected. He may not have understood just HOW improtant the obediance is… especially for something that seemed so simple. No doubt that after reading your response, he should understand now.

    I hope this was just a minor bump in the road… I hope it goes well

    1. “It could very well seemed like a “no brainer” to him as well. The main difference here may have been in the perception of what was expected.”

      I think this is right. Had I had an inkling that the instruction would not be taken literally, understood for what it was, and given priority, I would have approached it differently.

      “No doubt that after reading your response, he should understand now.”

      *smile* Yes, I have no doubt at all that he understands now. A little shake up is all.

      Ferns

      1. shaken up is a good thing… in my opinion. Had his reaction to your reaction continued to be insouciant, then I’d be worried. It seems it played out as it should have. The getting to know one another and the getting to know boundaries and expectations is part of the development.

        *still enjoying watching the garden grow… thorns n all

        1. “Had his reaction to your reaction continued to be insouciant, then I’d be worried. It seems it played out as it should have.”

          Yes, I agree. And while I would have preferred to *not* have struck it, it is not a bad thing for each to see how the other deals.

          For all he knew, I might have turned into a screeching nutjob over some minor thing, with all swearage and curses on his mother and wild laments that he’s not a twoo submissive and WILL NEVER LOVE ME… So there is that.

          (I save that for later, by the way…)

          Ferns

    1. It’s so good to know that there still r people around, unselfishly willing to share their valuable comments with us, and rather stay incognito, than seeking credit for their priceless wisdom. Bravo!

  3. I am glad, Ferns, that the two of you have come to a good place over this incident.

    I have to say that I have a lot of sympathy for Ayesha’s position here. If the first request isn’t met with a “move heaven and earth” level of effort, I have to wonder how the 100th or 1000th request will be met.

    Still, feces occur, and it seems to me that the potential you’ve sensed so far is worth a second chance, especially since you, a very smart woman, think so. If it were me, I’d not be handing out any third chances anytime soon, though.

    Respectfully, Étienne

    1. “I am glad, Ferns, that the two of you have come to a good place over this incident.”

      I am too. And it is useful for *him* to see how I handle things like this also.

      “…it seems to me that the potential you’ve sensed so far is worth a second chance, especially since you, a very smart woman, think so.”

      *smile* He is absolutely worth it, yes.

      “If it were me, I’d not be handing out any third chances anytime soon, though.”

      I didn’t even know that you had a Dom hat, Etienne… it is a little snug, but fits you well enough *smile*.

      Ferns

    1. “I hope it’s smooth sailing from here on out.”

      Thanks… I’d add a cute sailing analogy about ropes and sails and tipping leeward into the wind, but I don’t know anything about sailing.

      “I hate it when high hopes are dashed on the jagged rocks of reality.”

      *laugh* … into a million razor thin shards just waiting to cut the flesh off your bones in a horribly slow and painful end…

      Yeah, I hate that too.

      Ferns

    1. “Long distance can make things so much more difficult.”

      *nod nod* And I *like* the written word for its clarity and for the thought that has to go into it, but give me ‘a look’ over lots of words any day.

      “I hate feeling disappointed, bleck.”

      Oh god, me too! Double bleck!

      “Here’s to smooth sailing ahead.”

      Was that champagne? It was!! Yes please!!

      Ferns

  4. Ferns, I’m glad to see that everything’s working out, especially with how the whole conversing went. That’s awesome news!
    ————-
    Ayesha, your sight is very, uh, interesting to say the least. Also, I’m fairly certain Fern’s is knowing what she’s doing, I doubt this is her first rodeo.

    1. “I’m glad to see that everything’s working out, especially with how the whole conversing went.”

      *nod* Thanks. We hit a bump, we sorted it. It’s not too shabby.

      Ferns

  5. “but this one just seemed like such a no-brainer that I had literally not had a single thought about it going wrong.”

    I have a general question:

    how is it possible that a man -who is obviously so clever, smart, (emotional)intelligent (and probably hot) that he was able of making you interested in him – did not get what you wanted from him?

    Ferns, you are fantastic with words. Even me, a german with pretty lousy English skills, usually get what you mean. I doubt that you have been unspecific or vague.

    So how on earth could he not see that it was important for you? It´s one of the big D/s mysteries of the planet for me.

    as for: “smile* He is absolutely worth it, yes.”
    I do get you, lol. But me, I have a reputation of being a wanna be domme and tooooooo soft.

    Wishing you all the best. As DD said: Here’s to smooth sailing ahead.

    1. “So how on earth could he not see that it was important for you?”

      I think that’s a great question!

      Here’s how I look at it: We all come into new relationships with a bunch of history, baggage, expectations… all that. While e has BDSM experience, none of it is like this with me, so his actions are influenced by what came before.

      Let’s say that in *every single other relationship a boy has had*, his Domme responded to this sort of lapse with “That’s okay, sweetie, you had a hard day, and it was only an hour…” His experience then indicates that he would expect no different this time.

      There will be any number of these small things that will crop up where I maybe think it’s a no-brainer and he goes ‘woah, what?!’. I *expect* to have to teach any new boy who enters into a relationship with me what is important to me.

      I correct him, he accepts the correction and I expect the issue to be closed and not to have to address it again. What happens *after* correction is actually much more important.

      When people talk about ‘training a submissive’ (I am not keen on that phrase), mostly they mean making preferences known and having him learn them. This is pretty much what it looks like.

      “I have a reputation of being a wanna be domme and tooooooo soft.”

      *smile* You are a soft-hearted woman, there is nothing wrong with that as long as you don’t get pummelled by it over and over again.

      “Wishing you all the best.”

      Thank you!

      Ferns

      1. Here’s how I look at it: We all come into new relationships with a bunch of history, baggage, expectations… all that. While e has BDSM experience, none of it is like this with me, so his actions are influenced by what came before.

        I’m a bit surprised to see you both responding to this in such a mature, adult fashion. Where’s the leather, the whips, the cruel sneer, the simpering and groveling?

        I mean, what the hell kind of BDSM blog is this, anyway? Sheesh!

        1. “I mean, what the hell kind of BDSM blog is this, anyway? Sheesh!”

          A crap one, obviously… duh!

          Now shut up and get back in your cage! *sneer kick*

          Ferns

        2. “…in such a mature, adult fashion.” Yep some would call it like that. Other would call it simply cliché.

          “Where’s the leather, the whips, the cruel sneer, the simpering and groveling?” Don’t u know? Or is this ur “witty” way to hide ur fear for all of that? Hmmm, maybe u r just one of those who, while preaching that open mind thingy, simply can’t stand women who love their leather and whips, and need to belittle them any chance given. Of cors in a mature and adult fashion.

  6. “I said to you earlier not to over promise and under deliver.”

    Yes, yes. My teeny-tiny-leetle bit of experience has led me to believe this sort of thing is quite common. Boys, people in general, tend to say things in the heat of conversation and forget about them later. Unfortunately, I never forget anything, ever. I imagine that will be a learning-curve for any new boy I get to know.

    I’ve had to adjust myself, too, in terms of clarity. I’ve learned to be a bit more clear about what I want done, to what degree, and when I want it done by. I find my expectations are often WAY more than what [insert random boy] has interpreted or understood. Not saying that I need to adjust my expectations, but I have learned to adjust my articulation of those expectations.

    With that all said, it’s kind of a bitch when something small goes “wrong”–something you didn’t expect. I feel you there.

    I’m hopeful though, for lots of smooth sailing… and hopeful for more context and experience with each other you both learn to navigate the inevitable rains and sometimes storms.

    :)

    1. “Not saying that I need to adjust my expectations, but I have learned to adjust my articulation of those expectations.”

      Yes, great summary (teeny-tiny-leetle not withstanding!). The fact that I thought it was a no-brainer meant that I didn’t give the articulation a second thought. Live and learn.

      “I’m hopeful though, for lots of smooth sailing”

      Thanks, me too, with the sailing, though not knowing how to sail is starting to worry me a little bit…

      Ferns

  7. “I said to you earlier not to over promise and under deliver.”

    Yes, yes. My teeny-tiny-leetle bit of experience has led me to believe this sort of thing is quite common. Boys, people in general, tend to say things in the heat of conversation and forget about them later.

    Reminds me of this.

    I do think it’s nigh impossible when you’re really excited about a relationship to consider what it’s going to be like down the road. That early relationship high, makes it real easy to promise the moon, and forget that you haven’t got a rocketship.

    1. *laugh* “… eat this brick…” Brilliant!

      “That early relationship high, makes it real easy to promise the moon, and forget that you haven’t got a rocketship.”

      Umm… okay, yes, *in theory* I agree, but it’s not really relevant here. There was no moon promising, and no rocketship required.

      Ferns

      1. it’s not really relevant here.

        I know, it just occurred to me when I read what Dumb Domme wrote, not like I’m gonna try and get e off the hook for anything.

        *wanders off muttering about lucky bastards*

        1. “…not like I’m gonna try and get e off the hook for anything”

          No no, not at all!

          “*wanders off muttering about lucky bastards*”

          *laugh* Thank you for the implicit compliment.

          Ferns

  8. Only going by the story in this post, it sounds a bit like he was attempting to initiate getting punished. Missing the deadline by five minutes. Like he wanted to get in trouble but not piss you off. Then, “If my explanation was not sufficient, I’ll accept your punishment.” That sounds suspicious.

    Sounds like you set him straight, though.

    1. “Then, “If my explanation was not sufficient, I’ll accept your punishment.” That sounds suspicious.”

      I agree: on the face of it, it does. But I do know that it wasn’t about that (thank goodness, that would have been a whole *other* conversation!).

      “Sounds like you set him straight, though.”

      *smile* Yes, I think we are pretty clear on this now.

      Ferns

  9. You could always purge him with fire style o’ thing. I expect that’s a little difficult over the phone mind!

    Coug

    P.S. Merry Crimblemas thingy

    1. Could you possibly, maybe, by any chance, be referring to… ummm… let me take a shot… a *cattle prod*??! *laugh*

      Merry Christmas to you and yours also, dear Cougs.

      Ferns

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