Understanding is hot

I am not a special flower in saying that most people I run into don’t understand me: I think pretty much everyone can say that. It’s why finding someone who ‘gets me’ is so powerful. We run around in the world making pleasant chit chat about chit chatty things and it is ‘nice’ and nobody really connects with anybody, and so it goes.

Sometimes we even convince ourselves that ‘nice’ is enough for a potential relationship, for deeper involvement, because this person has a lot of ‘really good qualities’, and we feel like we *should* like them more. We will ourselves to like them more, to give it a go, to try, and we may even curse ourselves for not ‘feeling it’, but we know, really, that as a relationship strategy, that approach sucks.

I don’t blame people a whit for not understanding me. I tend to throw my arms around wildly, dervish-style, and this causes snippets of my brain to spill out onto the floor randomly and without reason. I look for people who think it is pretty, will pick it up, and hold it up to the light in wonder. They put a little piece of their brain on top, right where it fits, garnish and flavour, and hand it back to me in thrilled understanding and say ‘Thank you, please may I have some more’.

The usual response to my throwing wild thoughts into the world, though, is “Eh? ROFL” at which point I am forced to terminate the exchange for obvious lack of conversational compatibility on both sides. There is no fault in it, I am difficult and strange and demanding.

When I get a hint that someone ‘gets me’, it lights me up. You know what I mean… you do, I know it. I feel synapses firing… they pop and sizzle and wake up with anticipatory salivation, it makes me giddy.

I call it ‘zing zing’, it is the stuff of goodness and possibility. On my own, I can only produce a sad little zing, and I need the other person to add a zing, and when they can, and want to, and do, it makes me happy.

Zing zing, baby.

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29 Comments

  1. Peroxide: “I totally agree. For me, knowing that someone “gets me” is more attractive than any other attribute.”

    *nods wildly* Which is why the 'hey submissive men, go get a bunch of random arsed skills to make yourself more attractive' thing makes me go “wha?!”. I'm going to choose a man because he can give a pedicure? Really?

    I mean it's *nice* if he has those skills, don't get me wrong, but in the choosing, it doesn't make a whit of difference to me.

    Ferns

  2. Eh? I never got the impression u were so “difficult and strange and demanding”. Rofl.

    Ever considered the possibility that u don't get it when someone gets u? :|

  3. Ayesha: “Eh? I never got the impression u were so “difficult and strange and demanding”.”

    I'm not, really! I am easy as pie!

    “Ever considered the possibility that u don't get it when someone gets u?”

    *laugh* No, not for a second. If they get me and I am not getting that they get me then they really don't get me at all, because I would totally get it if they got me.

    Ferns

  4. Anyone who talks with you here for a while will get you. They will get what you share. They will get how to make love to you. They will get how to show love to you. They just need to try. For them to feel in tune with your kink would be one step more. It’s not just like switching off the light. They like you. You like them back. There is the talk. They see right through your eyes. You make the agreement. Then with the kisses, I mean lots.

    You say this (I can find where you said it, if you like) that vanilla men you’ve been with can’t get your kink. That’s the saddest thing.

    I love kinks. Shall I tell you a fantasy of mine? Yes? Ok I will. I get a kink that my woman craves. I mean I really get it. I mean she really craves it. And no other man could ever get it. Then she would need me. Then she would love me. Do you get me?

    Satan

  5. It's interesting that you bring this up now, because I was recently trying to have a conversation with my teenaged daughter about relationships in general.

    I do believe that any two people can *make* something work if they have a decent amount of patience and understanding. But how much better if there are, like you said, little pieces that just fit together naturally.

    While I don't believe that there is just one person in the world for anyone, I do think that there are probably a limited number of people who will “get” you. Tossing out those little bits and seeing who thinks that they are pretty enough to play with sounds like a nice way to find them.

  6. “When I get a hint that someone 'gets me', it lights me up. You know what I mean… you do, I know it”

    Yes. I know exactly what you mean. But your whole post could have been something that I could have written about myself too. It is a very rare and special thing when we find someone who gets us. Who can give that other “zing”.

    We can live in hope that one day, we will all be “zing zing, baby” ing!

    Regards, K

  7. Thanks for being so elegant with your insights. It's good to know that someone else out there deals with similar issues of being misunderstood or underappreciated. It seems like the world thinks it is better to be boring and accepted than unique and misunderstood.

    Great site, and keep up the good work.

  8. Satan: “Anyone who talks with you here for a while will get you.”

    Nope. I find that such an incredibly strange and limited view that I am not quite sure how to respond beyond 'nope'. I think that you are a romantic (who would have thought this about Satan?), and you like to wrap things up all nice and clean, and while that's lovely, I really don't believe that it has a basis in reality, well, not mine anyway.

    You seem to assume that what I share here is the sum of who I am, and that it is on that basis that someone will 'get me'. In fact, I would almost say the opposite: “Anyone who talks with me here for a while and thinks they get me, will never get me.”

    “Then with the kisses, I mean lots.”

    Ok, this bit I can get on board with!

    “I get a kink that my woman craves. I mean I really get it. I mean she really craves it. And no other man could ever get it. Then she would need me. Then she would love me. Do you get me?”

    Yes, I get you… though I think the premise is flawed because I don't think 'need' leads to love. I might *need* heroin because I am addicted to it, but I might hate it and hate that I need it. They are unrelated things, though in your fantasy, of course, it can work out however you say!

    Ferns

  9. Tom Allen: “I do believe that any two people can *make* something work if they have a decent amount of patience and understanding. But how much better if there are, like you said, little pieces that just fit together naturally.”

    I think we are subliminally taught that we are supposed to like people who have certain stellar qualities (whatever they are, it's irrelevant), so we run around with little checkboxes in our heads and tick them off. This is what makes us say “good sense of humour, intelligent, tall… whatever”, and to an extent I agree that if you have that and you have patience and understanding, you can *make* something work, but for me, it's not enough.

    Analogy time, a bedtime story: I went house hunting. I gave the real estate agent a very specific list of what I wanted. She showed me quite a few places, and refined the list based on my feedback. Finally, she found the perfect place. It ticked every box. I just didn't like it, I didn't like the intangibles, I didn't like how I felt being in it. There was nothing wrong with it, it was perfect. She was baffled (and annoyed!), and I had no logical explanation for “Yeah, I know, it's perfect, I just don't like it.”

    I ended up buying a house that I loved that only ticked some of those boxes. When I walked into it for the first time, it 'felt like home'.

    To me, that's the 'getting it': there is no way to list (or create) the qualities that make it so (believe me, I wish to hell that I could!).

    “While I don't believe that there is just one person in the world for anyone, I do think that there are probably a limited number of people who will “get” you.”

    *nod* I think that's true (unfortunately), and I also think (for your daughter's sake), that you HAVE to have relationships where that *isn't* there to refine your sense of what happens when it is. I'd add that when it's not there, that doesn't necessarily mean that they are bad relationships, they can be very 'nice'… easy and pleasant and fun and totally mediocre.

    “Tossing out those little bits and seeing who thinks that they are pretty enough to play with sounds like a nice way to find them.”

    *laugh* Yes, I am leaving a trail to the gingerbread house: “Come here, my pretties…”

    Ferns

  10. K: “It is a very rare and special thing when we find someone who gets us. Who can give that other “zing”.”

    It is! Incredibly rare and lovely.

    “We can live in hope that one day, we will all be “zing zing, baby” ing!”

    Yes!! It's one of the reasons why the happy femdom stories was so wonderful… other people's zing zinging is hopeful and lovely.

    Ferns

  11. Anonymous: “Thanks for being so elegant with your insights.”

    And thank you for the compliment.

    “It's good to know that someone else out there deals with similar issues of being misunderstood or underappreciated. It seems like the world thinks it is better to be boring and accepted than unique and misunderstood.”

    I do think it's a common human experience. I'm sure all the men who I thought didn't 'get me' felt equally 'ungotten', which is why it's so amazing when you find it.

    Ferns

  12. Ferns, thank you, let me see. How do you make me smile each time?

    You say that I seem to assume that what you share here is the sum of who you are.

    I know. I thought that. That was as I said this bit.

    “Anyone who talks with you here for a while will get you. …They just need to try.”

    That’s why I said this bit.

    “They will get what you share.”

    Because, believe it or not, Satan can’t get all of what you have not shared. I doubt that anyone can. I mean, did you Ferns know that I’m wearing my black cashmere opera cloak, with my red silk lining? Well I am you know. Well now I shared that, you may get it. Is that the sum of who I am? No. But it is a bit of the sum. It’s what I call a step. Sorry I’ll get back to my point.

    My point, which I did not make at all well, was that we may make a step. Then, we may make a step. Then, we may go step, step, step…

    Sorry I must go and attend to my furnace now.

    Oh I loved your reply.

    S.

  13. If understanding is so hot, then why do so many people do their utmost to hide their identity, come up with silly nicks, create empty profiles, constantly write non-info blogs, and serve us only wishful thinking scenarios and fantasy lives?

    If understanding is so hot, then why not leave huge chunks behind instead of tiny pieces and little bits?

  14. Ok I’m back now Ayesha. You just need to get a bit, and then you can get a bit more. If you like it, then you can get all. All is not that huge. It’s just a bit, then a bit, and then some. I’ve had no complaints.

    Satan

  15. Satan: “Because, believe it or not, Satan can’t get all of what you have not shared. I doubt that anyone can.”

    Thank you for clarifying, I read otherwise. If Satan can't, then nobody can!

    “I mean, did you Ferns know that I’m wearing my black cashmere opera cloak, with my red silk lining?”

    I did know that, yes. You can't prove I didn't.

    “My point, which I did not make at all well, was that we may make a step. Then, we may make a step. Then, we may go step, step, step…”

    Right, I understand you better now, you were talking about a first step, which makes much more sense.

    “Sorry I must go and attend to my furnace now.”

    It is hot already, but one day, it will freeze over and pigs will fly.

    “Oh I loved your reply.”

    *smile* Good, I'm glad.

    Ferns

  16. Ayesha: “If understanding is so hot, then why do so many people do their utmost to hide their identity, come up with silly nicks, create empty profiles, constantly write non-info blogs, and serve us only wishful thinking scenarios and fantasy lives?”

    Unless I am misunderstanding you, this question only makes sense if you assume that those 'many people' you refer to think that 'the world in general' understanding them is hot.

    That assumption isn't relevant to me, so I have no answer for you.

    Ferns

  17. Yeah right. Ut lijkt er meer op dat je mijn vraag uit de weg gaat, en dat je heel goed weet waar ik het over heb. 'tZal allemaal wel een spelletje voor je zijn. Niks om ons echt druk over te maken zogezegd. Toch wel jammer eigenlijk :)

    Did u get all this? Of alleen maar een paar kleine stukjes ervan?

  18. Ayesha: “Did u get all this? Of alleen maar een paar kleine stukjes ervan?”

    Ha! Yes, I understood it well enough, and I'm not avoiding your question. I genuinely don't understand what you are asking when your basic premise makes the question nonsensical.

    And I'm okay with you thinking that what I do is a game, and you are right that there's no point getting our respective knickers in a twist about that.

    Ferns

  19. Interpretation. It's also the interpretation of the tiny bits, pieces or chunks that were (intentionally)left behind by a player or a genuine seeker which determine how hot or cold the understanding will be.

    Switching from common sense to uncommon sense can help to heat things up significantly, and will prevent overcooking as well.

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