Sometimes, I suck

I’ve never pretended that I was perfect, that would fool no-one, but mostly, I make smart and considered decisions, I am thoughtful, I think about consequences for me and mine, and I try to handle myself and situations ‘for the best’ for all concerned.

I generally have good judgement and exercise it well.

Recently, I failed miserably at this and caused a lot of unnecessary pain and anger for a boy I care for very much.

I looked at a situation and went against my better judgement to make an utterly selfish and thoughtless decision for no reason other than ‘because I wanted it’.

We like, in the fantasy worlds, to pretend that Dommes get what they want. Now you and I know that’s not true, that’s the fantasy and doesn’t reflect what happens in the real world.

In the real world, if I am trusted with making decisions, if I know he will follow me, I have to make good ones… even if those decisions don’t get me what I want.

Sometimes making the right decision makes me feel like a petulant child not getting the lollipop that I want and that I can see just *there*, that I can reach out and touch, that I can get if I just pretend that there are no consequences, just this once, surely, just this once, I can just grab it and and…

The worst of it in this case was that I *knew* it was a bad decision and I did it anyway. What is that?! Who does that?! I just wanted it, that’s all… *insert petulant pouting and sulky defiance here*

The fallout is my fault. Completely and utterly my fault.

Sometimes, I get it wrong, we all do, we make mistakes, we do dumb stuff. But I rarely get it wrong on purpose, I hardly ever make a decision that I know, really, is the wrong one, deliberately ignore the completely predictable consequences, because that’s kind of stupid and hugely selfish, and mostly, I am not stupid and not that selfish.

I am normally better than that, but yeah, sometimes, I just suck.

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21 Comments

  1. Everyone makes mistakes.  

    Yeah, not a newsflash I know but it's important to remember that most people, after making a mistake, don't own up to it.

    It's a testament to your character as a dominant and as a person that you're not only willing to admit it to yourself but write about it as well, helping others to learn from your mistakes.

    You're clearly stronger and smarter than most.

    Chin up!

  2. Axe: “It's a testament to your character as a dominant and as a person that you're not only willing to admit it to yourself but write about it as well, helping others to learn from your mistakes.”

    Thank you for the kind words and the 'chin upping'. I've kicked my own arse pretty good and have uttered about a million apologies… We are gently going forward now.

    Ferns

  3. We ALL suck sometimes. Yes, even on purpose. It's part of what makes us human. Axe is quite correct in that the biggest part here is admitting your mistake and learning from it.

    I wish you the best in dealing with the outcome and moving forward. In time, I'm sure everything will be fine.

  4. Getting what we want as dominants isn't as usual as one might think. Many times I've had to make decisions that I didn't want to make because I knew that the outcome would be better. I think being a dominant has more to do w/ being able to see the big picture and plan accordingly, being able to lead another to that foreseen spot and to deny our own selves than it has to do w/ getting what we want.

    I'm sorry he was hurt…and I'm sorry you are hurting too. *Hugs*

    Faith

  5. And here I thought you were perfect. Now I'm all disillusioned and stuff.

    If you ever do anything so shameful you have to flee the continent, you're welcome here. :-)

  6. slapshot: “We ALL suck sometimes. Yes, even on purpose. It's part of what makes us human.”

    True enough, doesn't make me hate it any less though, not least because that know-it-all bitch in my head insists on going “I TOLD you so!!” over and over.

    “Axe is quite correct in that the biggest part here is admitting your mistake and learning from it.”

    Admitted, angsted over, learnt…

    “In time, I'm sure everything will be fine.”

    It will, yes… it is dealt with, and so, we move on.

    Ferns

  7. Faith: “Getting what we want as dominants isn't as usual as one might think. Many times I've had to make decisions that I didn't want to make because I knew that the outcome would be better.”

    Exactly, yes.

    It's rare that my inner child comes out, throws a tantrum, screams “I WANT!!!” and actually wins, but sometimes… *sigh*

    “I'm sorry he was hurt…and I'm sorry you are hurting too. *Hugs*”

    Thank you *smile*. We are doing ok, treading gently with each other.

    Ferns

  8. Étienne: “And here I thought you were perfect. Now I'm all disillusioned and stuff.”

    *laugh* I AM perfect, I am! I just throw these posts in to make me seem more human…

    “If you ever do anything so shameful you have to flee the continent, you're welcome here. :-)”

    Thank you… I should probably hide the bodies first, right?

    Ferns

  9. Dahliiiiiiiiiiiiiiing please! You never suck only those *waves hand languidly and airily* ordinary people suck. As a Domme you are naturally suck proof dear,let the little people suck and simply carry on being marvehlous dahling

    Coug

  10. Madame Coug advisor to the stars: “As a Domme you are naturally suck proof dear,let the little people suck and simply carry on being marvehlous dahling”

    I would love to believe you, but apparently, I am indeed capable of major league suckage… *nods sagely*

    Ferns

  11. I agree with everyone else. The mistakes are going to happen sometimes. This inner child kicks and screams loud enough and wins when it shouldn't… but you didn't run away and hide from the consequences. THAT is the big difference. BUT..

    “We like, in the fantasy worlds, to pretend that Dommes get what they want. Now you and I know that's not true, that's the fantasy and doesn't reflect what happens in the real world.”

    THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for putting this into print. This is the one area, when I first started, that I felt I got left to learn the hard way. Even with common sense screaming at me that getting everything you want just couldn't be reality. But a little bend and give will get you things you didn't even know you desired.

  12. Maggie: “…but you didn't run away and hide from the consequences. THAT is the big difference.”

    No, I gave the inner child a severe spanking!

    “THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for putting this into print.”

    Ha! You are so welcome.

    “Even with common sense screaming at me that getting everything you want just couldn't be reality.”

    *smile* Nice fantasy, though, isn't it? But yes, it does assume that there are no human complexities in relationships, which is a major flaw out in the real world… I should do a separate post on this: “Why “I get everything I want” is a lousy philosophy for a Domme”.

    I have to confess, though, that I *do* trot out the line sometimes to argue certain points, so I can understand why the idea is touted (it's the antithesis to the 'Dommes are fetish delivery machines, bring it!'). But if you don't dig a little deeper, the relationship is never going to work for long.

    Ferns

  13. **Grrr, I have just realised that I lost both comments AND comment responses from here… Blogger was broken for a few days and I guess disappeared them into the void…**

    Damn you Blogger!!

    Ferns

  14. Ferns:

    You restore my faith in Dommes whenever it flags.

    You are nice to talk to and your blog is very friendly. I feel I can trust you. I feel you care about the people online and off you interact with.

    You are willing to take responsibility and you know that you are not perfect and cannot always get everything you want, at least not without violating your moral or practical sense.

    I find you both whimsical and wise and that is your charm.

    I sometimes wish I was a bit younger, lived closer to you, and was the level of a submissive you desire. I hope you find happiness and I want you to keep your head high.

    Clarence

  15. vanillaedge: “At heart, I am a Google fanboi, but little things like this are why I use WordPress.”

    I can understand that… *shakes a fist wildly at the Google megolith*

    Ferns

  16. Clarence: “You restore my faith in Dommes whenever it flags… [other lovely things…]”

    Thank you for your kind words, Clarence, they are much appreciated.

    “I sometimes wish I was a bit younger, lived closer to you, and was the level of a submissive you desire.”

    *nod* Most inconvenient of you not to be any of those things… selfish even!

    “I hope you find happiness…”

    *smile* I hope so too, wishes for it through the ether must help, I am sure!

    Ferns

  17. I think you should write a blog about it. Have no doubt it would be an honest and forward with the right splash of humor. Now if you had only written it 8 months ago when I needed it!

    “I have to confess, though, that I *do* trot out the line sometimes to argue certain points, so I can understand why the idea is touted.”

    Oh come on! It's still my favorite line… “It makes me happy and it's all about me! Right?” Hehehehe

  18. Maggie: “Now if you had only written it 8 months ago when I needed it!”

    Ha! Sorry about that! I will do better in future!

    “Oh come on! It's still my favorite line…”

    *laugh* Yeah, I can totally relate!

    Ferns

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