Thoughts on casual play

I have a dilemma about casual play and it’s the reason I stopped doing it, haven’t done it for so very long, and don’t do it as a rule.

In play, I need and *want* to create the bubble, you know, ‘the bubble’. That intimate, hot and lovely space that exists between me and him, that place that I describe, well, all the time. For me, play is about creating impossible intimacy, about opening him up and shoving my fingers into the wet stickiness inside. It is about those moments when there is nothing else, when all that noise is gone, when all the voices in your head that question and doubt and incessantly talk are made quiet, when it’s just the two of you. That.

When I play, I want to create that bubble, shove him into it, and then I want to climb in after him and be all over him in it, to rub it all over my body and wallow in it with him.

I *need* to create it to get what I want out of play. I reach for it, I work for it, and when I get there, I adore it, it is what makes play amazing for me. Without it, it’s really just ‘stuff’ and it doesn’t work for me: *Thwak thwak… hiss whisper… shove push… yawn*.

In casual play, being in the bubble makes me feel an intimacy that doesn’t quite fit, and when I have created it, it is half done because I can’t fully get in it, I hold back because I know that what I feel in it isn’t real and I can’t give in to it. But I reach for it anyway, I want it and I push for it and then… and then…

Getting into that intimate space with someone casually hurts and confuses me. It doesn’t seem to matter that I know this, that I know exactly what it is, how it happens, why it happens… it makes not a whit of difference. Despite the knowing and the reasoning and that strangeness, I think I fall a little in love in those moments with a boy who can give me that, and I find that sad making.

I know this sounds melancholy, and it is, a little. I wish it wasn’t like this, I wish I could do casual with nary a thought about it, enjoy it for what it is, turn off those parts of me that make it swim around in my head (for fuck’s sake, just stop fucking thinking!!). In the end, it reminds me of what is possible and how incredibly sweet it can be, it reminds me of the point, which in turn, makes the play kind of pointless.

He asked me if I would like to do it again.

I really don’t know.

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26 Comments

  1. N: “Well, maybe it could turn from something casual into something more? Perhaps it's worth a try.”

    He is lovely, but we are not suited for a whole bunch of reasons, not least of which is that there is no zing-zing *smile*.

    Ferns

  2. I can really relate to what you are saying here. For me, D/s in not “about” play but rather the way that two people have chosen to relate to one another. The play is there to reinforce that dynamic and build the bond between them.

    Having played with someone without having that dynamic, or even an emotional investment, in retrospect, it felt more like play acting than a true D/s experience.

  3. Gotta have the zing-zing!

    I can totally sympathize. I lose all interest in someone if there's no spark. Without it I may or may not be wasting their time, but I am SURELY wasting mine.

    This above all – to thine own self be true.

  4. I understand entirely. I know this my be off topic, but I had to quit casual sex for a very similar reason. I didn't have to love someone to have sex with them, BUT I very often loved them after. This caused what was planned to be emotionless pleasurable encounters to be very emotional and unpleasant afterwords. Only in one instants did this not happen, and that was when the encounter was with a very dear friend for years whom I already loved platonically. The sex did not change my feelings for her, possibly because I was already emotionally attached.

  5. For myself I would view a casual play with a friend, not lover, similar to going to the movies. We'll both enjoy it, maybe have a stronger bond of friendship at the result, or maybe just have a good time together, but it won't be the magic that I'd have with Mistress.

  6. slapshot: “For me, D/s in not “about” play but rather the way that two people have chosen to relate to one another. The play is there to reinforce that dynamic and build the bond between them.”

    Yes, at it's best, my play is driven by passion and hunger and a desire to tear him open and get *inside* him.

    “Having played with someone without having that dynamic, or even an emotional investment, in retrospect, it felt more like play acting than a true D/s experience.”

    *smile* My long and rambling email to you on this can be summed up thusly: D/s and play are often two very separate things, as are play and intimacy… how you connect them, or don't, is hugely individual and circumstantial.

    I was delighted and excited that I could get us into that amazing space during play, that *made* it for me… it is both the value and the conflict in casual play for me.

    Ferns

  7. prsuasivpressure: “I lose all interest in someone if there's no spark. Without it I may or may not be wasting their time, but I am SURELY wasting mine.”

    I can create something wonderful in play without it, I just need to figure out the cost and how or if I can pay it.

    “This above all – to thine own self be true.”

    *chuckle* Most humbly do I take my leave, my lord.

    Ferns

  8. Giles English: “The way you tell it, you like Femdom for the intimacy it creates.

    I'm dominant because I like to get my way *laugh*. In my relationships, *play* is about hunger and passion and intimacy, absolutely.

    “You could always explore a different, non-intimate dynamic, and keep the two very separate.”

    That's what I am doing with venturing out into casual play again, to see how it goes, to see how I feel about it, to see if I can get enough out of it to make it worthwhile.

    I can *choose* not to create the bubble, but I frigging love that, THAT's what I love, without it… meh.

    Ferns

  9. Anonymous: “I understand entirely. I know this my be off topic, but I had to quit casual sex for a very similar reason.”

    Not off topic at all… entirely apropos.

    “I didn't have to love someone to have sex with them, BUT I very often loved them after. This caused what was planned to be emotionless pleasurable encounters to be very emotional and unpleasant afterwords.”

    Yes, I can understand this. For me the reaction isn't as strong as it seems to be for you, it's just a little sad making, but I can relate.

    “The sex did not change my feelings for her, possibly because I was already emotionally attached.”

    *nod* I think that makes perfect sense.

    It's not that I get attached to the person, despite my saying that I fall a little in love in it, but it's more that it highlights what I *don't* have.

    I am not one who really 'looks' for a relationship, the boy will fall into my lap when I am wandering around doing other things, but the stark relief of those lovely moments brings the lack into focus, and that's what makes me feel a little sad.

    Ferns

  10. Secretive Slave: “For myself I would view a casual play with a friend, not lover, similar to going to the movies.”

    And therein lies the problem. If I view casual play like that, I really would rather just go to the movies than bother with it. I don't think I can do 'true' casual, and maybe that's the crux.

    I *need* to create that intimacy for play to *work* for me, for me to go 'oh my god!' and I *want* and *need* to go 'oh my god!'. I want us both in that bubble looking at each other and going 'holy mother of god!' and other religious blasphemies.

    If I create it, it raises this conflict that I am obsessing about. If I don't create it, then I am back to 'meh, let's just go to the movies' and I wouldn't bother.

    So I figure that I have to work out how to be able to create it and then leave it behind without it making me feel sad.

    JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, FERNS, FFS!!!! *laugh*

    Ferns

  11. What makes you say the feelings aren't “real”, Miss? You would laugh at someone who said you weren't a “real” domme–maybe your feelings deserve some respect, too. :-)

    I fall in love with most Ladies who play with me; that's one of the main reasons I play, to enjoy the bond. It's ok that we don't move in together afterwards, and it's ok that I feel fond of them for a long time. It makes life very nice, even.

    Respectfully,

    Étienne

  12. I can't do casual play either, not very good at casual dominance. If I'm not intrigued, interested or attracted to a man, I don't care what he does, therefore, I can't dominante him. Hopefully that makes sense.

    Faith

  13. Étienne: “What makes you say the feelings aren't “real”, Miss? You would laugh at someone who said you weren't a “real” domme–maybe your feelings deserve some respect, too. :-)”

    That is a *great* point and a valid question, thank you for it! I phrased it carelessly.

    The feelings are real in the moment, yes… the intimacy that I feel is real, the desire is real… I should not minimise that, it is real and *amazing* when I am in it.

    So it is inaccurate to say that the feeling is not real, it is more accurate to say that it is a fleeting moment of intimacy that is *created* in that bubble and that doesn't exist outside of it.

    So when I step outside of it, I am made a little sad by the fleeting nature of it, and how it makes me see clearly what I am missing.

    “I fall in love with most Ladies who play with me; that's one of the main reasons I play, to enjoy the bond. It's ok that we don't move in together afterwards, and it's ok that I feel fond of them for a long time. It makes life very nice, even.”

    Ahhh, but but… Etienne, dear, you are in a loving relationship with your Domme, you get to go home and be loved and cherished and adored and to share what you felt in play within your relationship, no?

    Or were you the same before your relationship also, in which case, you are beautifully suited for casual play and I envy you.

    And now I sound somewhat like a petulant child whining because the sweeties were the wrong colour *laugh… stomp, pout*

    Ferns

  14. “Ahhh, but but… Etienne, dear, you are in a loving relationship with your Domme, you get to go home and be loved and cherished and adored and to share what you felt in play within your relationship, no? “

    Yes, and now I understand better what you mean–perhaps better to go without than get just a tease.

    In fact, there are times when I wonder if it wouldn't be kindest for both of us to end the relationship now, so that when we watch one another go, at least we could see one another go *alive*. It will be a surprise if we are both still living a decade from now, and sometimes it seems better to start letting go sooner, so that last goodbye won't hurt so much. Clearer thinking prevails, I'm happy to say, but the thought does cross my mind.

    Respectfully, Étienne

  15. Faith: “If I'm not intrigued, interested or attracted to a man, I don't care what he does, therefore, I can't dominante him. Hopefully that makes sense.”

    Yes, that makes sense, though casual doesn't usually mean 'not intrigued, interested or attracted'… I can't imagine anyone playing without 'something' to pique their desire to go there.

    Richie is lovely: pretty, shy, smart… a very appealing combination of things… I asked him to play because I wanted to try some rope, because I genuinely like him and because I was super excited to share his first time. I should make it clear(er) that none of these thoughts above are regret, nor are they at all a reflection on him. He gave me exactly what I wanted and more than I expected.

    Having said all of the above, I gave up playing casually because I couldn't get what I wanted out of it. This foray back into it is to try and see if I can get something out of it (I obviously can!) and if it is worthwhile for me (not sure yet).

    Ferns

  16. I believe my thoughts didn't come through clearly…imagine that…lol I have to care quite a bit for someone to want to play. Most of the time that means that their life would have to have some sort of impact on mine, their actions, inactions, decisions…etc, otherwise, the dominance to me doesn't do much.

    Why? Because I like to be that influence on their life. Not just casual play, but perhaps, casual dominance. If the dominance ends after the casual play, is that not casual dominance? I want more. I want that invisible line to stretch longer and longer. I want my fingertips always hovering above them, waiting to dip back in at any moment, knowng they want this too. I want them to be subby goo when in my presence. I want that wide-eyed wonder, the blushes and the studdering…I want all that to look forward to again and again…not just a few moments at a time.

    /end ramble…lol
    Faith

  17. Faith: “I have to care quite a bit for someone to want to play…”

    Ahhh, yes, that's clearer, thank you for coming back and explaining further. It was a great ramble!

    “I want more…[lovely stuff…]”

    Oh gosh, me too! *wistful sigh*

    Ferns

  18. Étienne: “…perhaps better to go without than get just a tease.”

    Yes, perhaps, I am not quite sure yet, but perhaps.

    “In fact, there are times when I wonder if it wouldn't be kindest for both of us to end the relationship now, so that when we watch one another go, at least we could see one another go *alive*… Clearer thinking prevails, I'm happy to say, but the thought does cross my mind.”

    Oh my goodness, that is completely heartbreaking and unbearable and lovely and terrible. I am so very happy that you added the bit about the clearer thinking!

    Ferns

  19. This was perfect, Ferns. I understand.

    Domination? No, I think you're describing the feelings surrounding a deep scene–the “getting inside” someone; of course this creates intimacy, how could it not?

    I'm sure it can happen in a pro session, too, under the right circumstances; so prodommes have to be strong enough to shut that out.

    What does the bottom see? He is blindfolded, dealing with the pain, the fear. All I can think is “can I give her more *of this*”? I can't read her emotions, while mine are open to her.

    So the question is: with more than one recurrent play partner–can one have strong feelings for more than one person? To different degrees? Most of the time I think this should be possible, but I haven't tested it. I have a d-partner I love. She has no problem sharing the “casual” stuff, but the deep stuff is hers; I'm okay with that.

    Maybe it's easier for men (also s-types) to be “poly-ludic” than for women; we compartmentalize, we can measure degrees of emotional involvement. Or think we can, in theory.

    Sorry, I ramble. Your essay moved me, I should have left it at that. It's late here.

  20. Anonymous: “with more than one recurrent play partner–can one have strong feelings for more than one person? To different degrees?”

    I think it's absolutely possible for many, but I do think it is partly hard wired. Different people are capable of different levels of intimacy with different numbers of people.

    I am fundamentally monogamous, also selfish and greedy and single minded. I don't have infinite love, I am stingy with my time and emotions, I find it difficult to share of myself.

    I also think there is 'casual play' and there is 'casual play'. Playing in public with a stranger is much less intimate than private play for most people, but it's still under the umbrella of 'casual play'.

    “Maybe it's easier for men (also s-types) to be “poly-ludic” than for women; we compartmentalize, we can measure degrees of emotional involvement. Or think we can, in theory.”

    An interesting theory… I disagree, but have no way to 'prove' otherwise. I do think it's very individual rather than gender based.

    Personally, I like boys who are capable of terrible emotions and mostly it means that they tend to be jealous and possessive and totally focussed on me to the exclusion of others.

    “Sorry, I ramble.”

    Not at all, I enjoyed your thoughts. Thank you for them.

    Ferns

  21. “Getting into that intimate space with someone casually hurts and confuses me.”

    I would rather not mix casuality with deep intimate space. Neither I could enjoy casual play nor intimacy.

    They just deny and cancel each other out, causing more pain than gain, no pun intended.

  22. Morikvendi: “They just deny and cancel each other out, causing more pain than gain, no pun intended.”

    *nod* I think that's true for a lot of people, it's not just you. I have to weigh it very carefully to make sure that the balance is on the 'gain' side, and there are quite a few factors that weigh on each side, so it's not a simple sum equation.

    Ferns

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