Late night, can’t sleep

Random, unfiltered thoughts… tick tick tick tick…

Things are possible even if you wish they weren’t, or especially then.

She asked for $5 that I owe her… who asks for $5? Especially when she is far away, and it has to be given to another so that the other can put into her bank account… who does that?

My bed squeaks, lucky I am not having sex on it, I masturbate quietly, with terrible images of violence in my head, it still squeaks, though it doesn’t sound like sex, or violence, or anything interesting.

I am a little afraid and restless, it’s because it’s late, I am awake, tick tick tick…

My stomach gurgles, talking to me late at night, sizzling prawns and garlic bread happily coexisting in the buddha belly, pet it for luck.

I could go on a world trip, “Domme Travel Diary” and meet with people I have found on the internet, you wouldn’t mind, would you? I can stay for a little while, you can feed me and we can go for walks and you can be my travel guide.

*smirk* You can rub my feet, but don’t think it means anything, and don’t be giving me that cheeky look as if you are a happy eager boy.

Relationships are a lot of trouble when they shouldn’t be… Surely it is just wrong if they feel like a chore even at the beginning, when they should be full of hopeful enthusiasm, passion and mindless fun.

I’m a sex blogger, which is strange enough. I’m a sex blogger who isn’t having sex, which is even stranger… if a sex blogger isn’t having sex, is she still a sex blogger? Is she a fake, a flake, a wannabe? If a tree falls in the forest…?

There is a sex blogger who started writing as a suburban accountant having affairs and who is now an organiser for sex positive ‘events’… how amazing is that? I never really followed her story, but the change is mind blowing for me to contemplate.

Why doesn’t my blog unearth a beautiful boy who is brave enough to offer me his wit and charm and total awesomeness, who will ‘get’ me, who will step into the void with me?

You said no to me, that breaks my heart. I have to remember that when I get melancholy.

I have broken boys’ hearts, I wonder how they healed, those broken hearts… if they were made whole or if a little piece always had a crack in it, courtesy of me. I am sorry for the little crack, if it’s there.

I have a timeline of the boys in my life, and jobs, literally, on paper, because I can never remember chronology, it is like my brain has no room for time.

My hands are dry, my feet also… some lotion, some massage and I swear I would fall straight to slee….

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9 Comments

  1. I have broken hearts, I wonder how they healed, those broken hearts… if they were made whole or if a little piece always had a crack in it, courtesy of me. I am sorry for the little crack, if it's there.

    I think we all have a few of those little cracks. Some of us have more than others. I don't think they ever really completely heal, but they *do* become part of who we are. They eventually get woven into the tapestry of our experience and wisdom. The teach as well as chastise us and sometimes, if you go back and examine them closely, you can still feel a little of the wonder and magic that helped put them there.

    For me, those magic moments are among my most prized possessions.

  2. I don't see you as a “sex blogger” Ferns……….
    I see you as a caring soul

    I see you as a wonderful human being

    Who feels

    Last but not least

    I see you as my friend

    Coug

  3. In all seriousness, we have a very nice guest room, and if you ever want to spend time in San Diego, we'd love to have you. Guided tours and meaningless foot rubs included.

  4. You are a sex blogger, but I doubt many of us view you as only that. Personally I see you as a Woman, Educator, Nurturing person, sex blogger, role model, and inspiration.

    My stomach gurgles, talking to me late at night, sizzling prawns and garlic bread happily coexisting in the buddha belly, pet it for luck.

    A boy should be there to rub it with you while curled up against you with his head on your bosom.

    I think the losses you have are magical to watch from this side of the terminal. You always seem to make the right steps. I wish you would never feel lonely and I also wish that you are alone enough to know your own voice.

    I hope you had a good time at the beach.

  5. slapshot: “…For me, those magic moments are among my most prized possessions.”

    *smile* That was a really lovely way of expressing it, thank you!

    Ferns

  6. Coug: “…[sweetness]…I see you as my friend”

    Oh my goodness, that sort of thing threatens to make me cry… you really are an evil bitch!!

    *warm hugs* Thank you, sweetie!

    Ferns

  7. Étienne: “In all seriousness, we have a very nice guest room, and if you ever want to spend time in San Diego, we'd love to have you. Guided tours and meaningless foot rubs included.”

    *big smile* I am idly thinking about something like that, and I thank you most kindly for your offer… the route would be random and roundabout and probably ridiculous…

    Ferns

  8. Secretive Slave: “Personally I see you as a Woman, Educator, Nurturing person, sex blogger, role model, and inspiration.”

    *smile* Thank you, Secretive Slave!

    “A boy should be there to rub it with you while curled up against you with his head on your bosom.”

    Agreed… Now if I could just get it sorted!

    “I hope you had a good time at the beach.”

    I did, thank you… it was stunningly gorgeous and I am lucky to live so close to it.

    Ferns

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