Car crash

I have, in the last 7 months, formed a close and very sweet and affectionate bond with a submissive remote from me.

I joined Second Life to explore what it was about. I had time on my hands, I was emotionally wrung out, I was curious, I was skeptical.

I talked to a lot of people there, it is like a series of chat rooms, with pictures… I didn’t ‘get’ SL D/s, but I was curious enough to see if I could make something of it.

With full disclosure that I was using him as an experiment, that there was nowhere for it to go, that I hadn’t a clue what I was doing, that it would head, inevitably, towards a car crash of an ending, I brought a lovely, thoughtful, sensitive boy in close to see what we could make of it.

His name is Angus.

He got a pretty piss poor deal with me as an ‘SL Domme’… I was not really able to make much of SL D/s… I moved him pretty quickly out of SL to IM, to email, to phone which gave me more of him, but didn’t change the fact that it was what it was… limited by the medium and with nowhere to go. I did not do cyber sex, I did not do SL BDSM play… I discovered that I don’t have the kind of immersion capability that you need for that to work. For all that most SL D/s relationships are built around remote wanking, he pretty much got ripped off. Regardless, we built something meaningful… sweet and lovely.

He got as much of me as I could offer over the many months that we talked daily, and he gave me as much control as I wanted to take, with a beautiful trust and an open heart. We had little rituals and structure, we spent hours chatting every day about anything that came up, we supported each other through some difficult things, he had rules to follow, I had expectations of his behaviour and he complied, we sent each other sweet gifts, we built something real and worthwhile with a subtle, gentle but strong and very affectionate D/s flavour.

And now, with me in the driver’s seat and him sitting patiently and trustingly beside me, I aimed the car at a tree, deliberately hit the accelerator and I crashed it… the car flipping over and over, flames, explosions, screaming and the smell of burning hair. It was inevitable, we both knew that, because there is nowhere for this thing to go, but it still hurts like a bitch.

As I look at the wreck of the ruined car, plucking broken glass out of my hair, a little shaky and off balance, I see him sitting there in the passenger seat, kind of broken and blank and unmoving. I move towards him and he shakes his head, doesn’t look at me.

I nod and leave a little note on the smashed up windshield, stupid, pointless, but I leave it anyway. It says sweet things, “I adore you”, “I am sorry”… words and some more words. I hope, in the end, he will think it was worth it.

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21 Comments

  1. Ouch. I'm sorry.

    Still, I think crashing him into the tree is much kinder than just tying him to it and walking away, leaving him wondering if you're going to come back.

    He'll be okay in time.

    Jx

  2. I was a passenger in the same kind of wreck and I survived. A bit less trusting and willing to let anyone else drive, but I did survive.

    … At least *YOU* left a note.

  3. J: “Still, I think crashing him into the tree is much kinder than just tying him to it and walking away, leaving him wondering if you're going to come back.”

    I agree, and also better than an ongoing period of smaller car accidents over and over, a dent here, a smashed headlight there, each one causing damage when you know where it is ultimately headed.

    “He'll be okay in time.”

    *nod* It just never happens fast enough. I am hoping we will come out of it with something worth keeping, given time.

    Ferns

  4. slapshot: “I was a passenger in the same kind of wreck and I survived. A bit less trusting and willing to let anyone else drive, but I did survive.”

    I am sorry about that.

    “… At least *YOU* left a note.”

    To be clear, I did not *just* leave a note, we both knew this was coming from the beginning, the question was only 'when'. He decided as much as I did on the timing, we discussed it, but I was still in the driver's seat.

    I would NEVER just disappear. Never.

    Ferns

  5. Brids: “Now if only I didn't suck at understanding metaphors and I understood what just happened…”

    Better that you don't, it will only make you feel sad.

    Ferns

  6. the whiplash and swelling will go down in time. his dazed/concussed state will diminish to clarity. It's hard to be the driver but at least the decision was discussed and timed in the open. It's never easy to just *wham* right into that tree without warning. I've been that passenger.

    sending You warm thoughts.

    Mina

  7. My Dear Ferns,

    I'm sorry that you are hurting.

    Relationships are funny things, they have requirements that cannot be ignored without consequences, and it's clear you identifed that early on. Such a strong emotional and mental connection cannot endure without a corresponding physical connection. And the reverse is true too.

    I lasted three days on SL. My better half noticed right away that my focus had been stolen and summarily banned it. She was wise to do so. For the first time in my life on SL, if only virtually, I found myself on my knees before a woman who wanted me there. Oh Ferns how wonderful it felt. I was instantly hooked. But, as quickly as my fire kindled I had to quench it (or stamp it back down). I'm glad it happened that way; I was able to park the car rather that crash it. Nevertheless I still hated it; it hurt my heart to walk away.

    But that fire inside does not go out, does it Great One? * sighs and lowers forehead to the floor between Ferns' lovely boots. *

  8. Mina: “It's hard to be the driver but at least the decision was discussed and timed in the open.”

    At least there was that, yes.

    “It's never easy to just *wham* right into that tree without warning. I've been that passenger.”

    You are right, and I am sorry you went through it yourself.

    “sending You warm thoughts.”

    *smile* I appreciate it, thank you.

    Ferns

  9. Yardbird: “Such a strong emotional and mental connection cannot endure without a corresponding physical connection. And the reverse is true too.”

    Exactly. With this situation, and this special boy, I was willing to see if there was something that I could make of the SL thing. But the car crash was inevitable… we discussed it up-front and decided to see what joy could be had from it before I ran us into that tree.

    The medium is best suited to those who have some reason to seek emotional succor with no intent, possibility or need for more. I know there is an argument for using it as a meeting place for real life relationships, but to pretend that's why most people are there is disingenuous.

    “I lasted three days on SL. My better half noticed right away that my focus had been stolen and summarily banned it. She was wise to do so.”

    Yes, she was wise to do so.

    “For the first time in my life on SL, if only virtually, I found myself on my knees before a woman who wanted me there. Oh Ferns how wonderful it felt. I was instantly hooked.”

    *smile* I can understand this. For all that I could not make it work for me, the power and symbolism of him kneeling and of receiving hugs from him in a kneeling position never got old for me. They can be heartbreakingly sweet when done with affection.

    “Nevertheless I still hated it; it hurt my heart to walk away.”

    I am sorry, dear Yardbird.

    “But that fire inside does not go out, does it”

    *warm smile* No, no it does not.

    Ferns

  10. And THIS is why I could love you.

    I should probably call you the “Human” Domme. While so many exalt in their power and glory and compete to see who can cause the most frustration and get the most out of their submissives while giving as little as possible in return, (not naming names, I'm sure you've seen that I have seen), you never forget you are dealing with people and you never cease with your desire to exalt and glory in the journey you take with them together. I'm not saying I think you are perfect; I'm sure like everyone else you've made mistakes, probably broke a heart or participated in an argument with your share of the blame (rather than so many dominants of both sexes who are you know, perfect, at least if you ask them), but who hasn't?

    I was reading a blog yesterday. And it nearly caused me to cry. For you see, this was one of those tough and merciless dominants whose need for submission was imho extreme and who proudly bragged about how she made her long time partner and sub put up with this and that -orgasm denials in some cases for months, other times letting him cum but making sure it was humiliating and not pleasureable for him, denying her partner of years vaginal intercouse for probably as much as a year at at time -bragging about this, bragging how stupidly easy all males are to control and yet stupid as he was that he liked this stuff to – and well, she pushed too far with a punishment one time. For in her opinion, he had done something that caused her to feel a fool and so she had punished him and withdrawn affection from him for many weeks.

    Then, finally it hit her. She had broken him at last – and that was not what she wanted. Because instead of that delicious (to some Doms and Dommes at least) mixture of lust and fear, all he felt toward her was fear. And it made me sad rather than mad – you see it revealed she had cared for him after all. Her whole blog was one big brag about herself and her wants and how her relationship was all about her needs and the fact that her guy was rather dominant outside her relationship with him and sometimes enjoyed some of the stuff she did to him: well , she seemed proud of her prize -his social status and natural dominance outside of the relationship and I guess she seemed to tolerate the fact that the stupid man not only made her happy but occasionally was happy himself. Needless to say my opinion of her was very low, but like an evil itch I needed to scratch I would occasionally check in on her blog.

    More below

  11. Continued
    In any case, I found out I was wrong. She had loved the fact that she could be as cruel and evil as she wanted to him and he always challenged her, always could take more.
    But she has been careless with her toy and broken it, to put it in metaphor. But she didn't want another toy. She wanted the old him back.
    And I was sad and nearly cried. For it reminded me of how fragile humans are, really. You see, there are two things that happened when I was 12 and 16 respectively that I think together were part of making me grow up. At 12, I truly understood death. For 3 days I couldn't touch a knife till I finally made myself face down the fear of what that knife accidentally or deliberately could do.
    At 16, and maybe this sounds silly, but I don't think it is: I realized anyone even a Rambo can be broken. See, like most boys I had hero fantasies and I knew that some guys were really tough. But then (this was before the internet remember) I stumbled on a book at the library about crimes and cruelty and one of the subjects was torture doctors.

    It was then I knew anyone could be tortured into either compliance or insanity, no one could hold up in the end without help eventually. And I truly understood some of the depth of human evil.

    I carried this knowledge with me even into my stumbling beginnings of BDSM as I've written to you about before.

    Anyway, I just want to thank you. Only a handful of times when reading your blog have you ever seemed to me like you needed a spanking (I'm a switch as you probably don't remember so I can imagine it so there :P) for selfishness, prejudice, or haughtiness. You always remind me of the humanity in bdsm and I almost always smile when I read you, even though I don't comment too much.

    Forgive me that this is long. Please be well, Ms. Ferns.

    Clarence in USA

  12. Clarence: Thank you for your thoughtful and revealing comments, I appreciate you sharing something so personal.

    There is a line between fantasy and reality, a line between consensual and abuse and I think with all of the 'stuff' out there on the internet, it is really impossible to tell which is which.

    For me, even with the material that I think *is* real, it was still incredibly frustrating to not see myself and my experiences reflected in any of it. It's not that I don't think these people and relationships exist, they do… it's just that it's not visible. I assume because it's not extreme enough, not interesting enough, not marketable enough… all that.

    That is precisely one of the reasons why I started this blog. I appreciate your kind words and am glad you are continuing to get something out of it.

    “Only a handful of times when reading your blog have you ever seemed to me like you needed a spanking (I'm a switch as you probably don't remember so I can imagine it so there :P)”

    *laugh… nod* Ahh hmmm…

    You know, of course, that I imagine
    Clarence Clemons when I see your name.

    Ferns

  13. Ms Ferns:

    Thank you for your reply and all the thought you put into it. It sucks that the nicer side of femdom isn't presented as much as it could be.

    Also, alas, I must tell you that I'm not Clarence Clemons. I merely play keyboard, and I'm a man of lighter skin color. I also have dark brown hair and green eyes. And a terribly bratty sense of humor.

    Clarence International Brat of Mystery

  14. Video games. Hmmm. I won't be a hypocrite and fail to mention my own, recent experiences with virtual interactions. It's so easy to build a sense of connection, intensity, and hope. In the end though, there is an “off switch” and frequently someone uses it summarily. If there's lead-up and communication before the throw, this can help, but it's still painful stuff for all involved. Worth the journey? I used to think so. Not so sure anymore. Life offers up enough pain without creating it virtually. I'm sorry to hear of the current emotions for you and Angus. I hope you both heal as quickly as is possible.

  15. Clarence International Brat of Mystery: “I merely play keyboard, and I'm a man of lighter skin color. I also have dark brown hair and green eyes.”

    Very pretty *smile*

    Ferns

  16. Elan: “It's so easy to build a sense of connection, intensity, and hope. In the end though, there is an “off switch” and frequently someone uses it summarily.”

    I hear this a lot, yes. I start my relationships by meeting online, I have been lucky (or wise?!) with the choices I have made. I have never regretted a single one.

    “Worth the journey? I used to think so. Not so sure anymore. Life offers up enough pain without creating it virtually.”

    I understand your point. I am a big advocate of taking joy where you find it. There is nearly always a price to pay for it. If you can, you weigh it up at the beginning, and you make a choice. You try and minimise the damage, but it is what it is.

    “I'm sorry to hear of the current emotions for you and Angus. I hope you both heal as quickly as is possible.”

    Thank you for the kind thoughts, I do too.

    Ferns

  17. Anonymous: “the note was every bit as good as the ride”

    If that is a comment from you, Angus, thank you, dear one. *warm smile*

    If that is a comment from someone else, who are you and whatever do you mean?!

    Ferns

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