Why I hate femdommery

Sometimes I have answers and they are answers that I don’t like very much. They are answers that piss me off. They are answers that give me this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that everything is wrong.

I know why wankers calling themselves submissives behave like wankers to dominant women.

This guy, who after a couple of emails wanted to send me pictures of him in panties, was a wankering troll. He wanted someone, anyone, a vagina-owning someone to support his wanking, appreciate his wank material so that his wanking had more wank value to him due to his wanking being watched and wank-approved by some woman who would validate his wanking, any woman, oi you, you will do, you lady over there, help me wank!

I ask the question… why why why… why do they do it? Why do they behave this way?

*sigh*

The sad thing is, I know why.

Because it works.

It does. I despair of it and I hate it and I am embarrassed by it and my view of the loveliness and value of my own sexuality is horrified by it, but there it is.

I found him being ‘mentored’ (yes yes, don’t get me started on THAT) by a remote Domme who is happily ‘making’ him wear panties and display pictures of himself in panties while she hyucks it up in public comments with the ‘hehe’, ‘hahas’ and the ‘lols’.

It is the “I can haz cheezburger” of the femdom world. It is the excruciatingly unsexy “lulz” of D/s.

Yes, I know I know… each to their own, everyone’s happy, huzzah and zen-like goodness about the synchronisity of it. Fuck off! I hate it!! I hate what it says about the women, I hate what it says about the men, I hate that it encourages even *more* men to approach women with their cock in their hand, I hate that THIS THIS THIS is what makes women look at femdommery and go “Oh hell no, I’m not one of ‘them’!”

Most days, I am ok with it, I shrug and go ‘so what, somebody’s happy there, good for them…’. Then on other days, like today, I fucking hate it with a passion, I fucking hate it because it is persistent and pervasive, I fucking hate it because it breeds these idiots who think wanking = submission, I fucking hate it because it makes me associated with some parody of a woman whose desires and needs don’t matter a fuck, I fucking hate it because that’s the crap that makes it harder to find what I want. I fucking hate it!

Fuck off! Just. Fuck. Off!!

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39 Comments

  1. FemDom isn't unique in this, Miss–so much of culture is aimed at the 12-year-old sensibility. A thoughtful person in any endeavor is going to be surrounded by a wasteland littered with McDonald's wrappers.

  2. Arghhh! This is born of an unquestioned and unchallenged sense of entitlement towards so much in this world, women’s sexual aesthetic just another manifestation. Pushing their (wrong) version of what your sexuality should be onto you is infuriating and should not be tolerated at all. Stay strong, keep you standards high, cut them off as soon as possible and don’t indulge this ridiculousness. For most of them, they can’t fathom truly listening to a dominant woman, even though that’s what they claim to desire.
    Mistress Louise

  3. @Étienne

    You are 100 percent correct. No matter what venue of life you consider, there will always be posers, fakes, wankers and just plain morons.

    I deal with a wide variety of people from many walks of life and have learned to keep my expectations appropriately low.

  4. That's a good point. I've never done such a thing because demanding that somebody give you orders (for something you want to do anyway) isn't very submissive. It's just fucking obnoxious and objectifying. BDSM isn't just about restraints and demands, there is a very sensual and personal aspect to it. Part of the D/s relationship and dynamic is, well, submitting. The domme calls the shots, and it is her right to determine how much pleasure or pain the sub is entitled to, not the other way around.

  5. Miss Ferns!

    I've never seen you so angry!

    I'm going to run under my desk and hold my paw over my face until my secretary gives me the all-clear!

    I'm glad I'm not a Domme. It can be awful.

    Sir Puppington Lothian.

  6. Secretive Slave: “Everyone has an agenda, for some of us it's to serve submission, for others it's to serve semen”

    *nods thoughtfully* Errmm… what about serving the actual woman?

    Ferns

  7. Coug: “oh my * passes over some choccies *”

    Scarfs chocolates in a demented chocolate orgy…

    “it's not to late to come over to my team we can share the toaster oven!”

    *chuckle* You know in my ranting above that it takes two to tango… My rant is non gender specific… if that crap didn't work on/for some women, men would stop doing it. I assume (a big assumption on my part) that similar, but different, crap goes on in F/f interactions.

    Ferns

  8. Étienne: “FemDom isn't unique in this, Miss–so much of culture is aimed at the 12-year-old sensibility.”

    It is sadly true… I think with heads muddled by the concept of a sexuality-based subculture, the brain ceases to function in normal ways.

    Ferns

  9. . I assume (a big assumption on my part) that similar, but different, crap goes on in F/f interactions.

    * looks shifty *

    Oh no no it's all rainbows and light here in Dyke world
    *nods wisely*

    Come on over

    Where the bloody hell are you ?

    Coug

  10. @ Miss Coug:

    *Is* it 'all rainbows and light in the Dyke world? I still don't know much about that world. Do dyke-Dommes receive a similar kind of treatment from dyke-subs?

    It goes to the obvious question: was Miss Ferns's treatment at the hands of this annoying little man (which is all to common, as we know) to do with wider social attitudes, or was it more particularly to do with *male* attitudes?

    Sometimes, I think it might have much, to do with the fact that kink is still kept so much in the closet. A malesub, particularly, will seldom 'air' his kink publicly as he grows up. As a result such maturing, and refining, that his sexual/emotional side receives will come a) from fantasies and b)material that's only designed to feed those fantasies.

    I was inspired to think a lot more on these lines recently. I overheard two 18 year old females talking in a cafe. “Oh”, one said “I don't think he's that into me, because he's pretty much into power exchange. I'm a 'nilla, really – not my thing' . . .

    It was the tone of their conversation that struck me. It seemed that D/s, to them, was just another variation on the way people relate. Gay, bi, straight, into sub/dom . . . just part of the ordinary tapestry.

  11. Misstress Louise: “Pushing their (wrong) version of what your sexuality should be onto you is infuriating and should not be tolerated at all.”

    But but… do you see my point in the post?

    My point, sadly, is it works!!!

    So for every man who pushes this, there ARE women for whom it works. Blaming the man, which we do, liberally and with gusto, over and over again, is all very well, but they would stop doing it if it didn't work.

    THAT's the answer I have come to, THAT's what I find so depressing. That they find these women who play this game, they are NOT wrong, they just keep putting this crap out there until some woman says 'oh hell yes!'.

    I really really WANT them to be wrong for all women, I WANT them to be frustrated and alone and rejected because hell, maybe they will LEARN something. But they aren't, and they don't. They find their wank feeders, and this encourages them to do more of the same.

    Somehow THAT is so much more depressing to me than wanker men throwing idiocy into the void.

    Ferns

  12. Maggie: “At least your wanker only subjected you to panty shots! The last one that hit me up keeps subjecting my to awful CBT shots”

    *smile* Yes, well I have to say that in the scheme of things, my wanker quotient is really very low. I actually get very few wanker emails and mostly, I find them quite amusing.

    Ferns

  13. YoungSub111: “…demanding that somebody give you orders (for something you want to do anyway) isn't very submissive. It's just fucking obnoxious and objectifying.”

    Obnoxious and objectifying is exactly right, yes! It is the 'you'll do for my wanking' mentality.

    Why some Dommes go 'ok then' is truly and utterly and depressingly beyond me.

    Ferns

  14. puppy: “I've never seen you so angry!”

    *smile* I can do a pretty good line in rants when I get a head of steam up…

    “I'm going to run under my desk and hold my paw over my face until my secretary gives me the all-clear!”

    I shall ring her forthwith and tell her it is safe for you to come out, tail between your legs, ears down, shuffling on your belly… just in case…

    “I'm glad I'm not a Domme. It can be awful.”

    But again, my point is *some woman said 'yes' to this*. It takes two to tango, it takes two to perpetuate this travesty on something that can have depth and meaning, it takes two to make me blow my top in a 'wtf?!! fuck off!!' kind of way…

    *eats more chocolate, drinks champagne… feels better*

    Ferns

  15. @Miss Ferns:

    “But again, my point is *some woman said 'yes' to this*. It takes two to tango, it takes two to perpetuate this travesty on something that can have depth and meaning, it takes two to make me blow my top in a 'wtf?!! fuck off!!' kind of way…”

    Aha. That's an emphasis on this subject that's been rare when femdoms have talked about it.

    Mostly, that phenomenom makes me feel sad. Yes, I agree, it mostly says things about about such women that make me shudder and withdraw. (As I already have done, from one particular website, in fact.) Women who will accommodate such men stay quiet on forums, it seems. But I read what they say in emails.

    The only woman I've come across who's *not* given me that shuddery feeling, after cheerfully announcing that she doesn't mind 'do-me's', is an ex-pro-Domme. She said, once, 'Who cares if the man's a do-me, so long as we happen to share the same interest?' But, one could guess that she'd developed an eclectic range of interests in her former occupation, and was also happy to play on a very casual basis. A different world, I suppose.

  16. 'phenomenoN'

    And it was me, Sir Puppington Lothian, posting to you, Miss Ferns.

    Grrr. It's late. I should be in my basket.

  17. puppy: “She said, once, 'Who cares if the man's a do-me, so long as we happen to share the same interest?'”

    This is exactly the right attitude, and goes along the lines of how I said I can normally be happy for the wanker and wankee that they have found each other and are happily playing whatever game they are playing.

    Normally, “Good for them!” is something I am pretty good at. Just not on the day I wrote this!

    Ferns

  18. Miss Ferns,

    Yes, I do totally get your post. And yeah I agree, it is very depressing, but stay fierce and true to your sassy self.

    There is no such thing as a united front amongst all women in this arena. Sadly, this reminds me of something I said to a (non sub) male friend at dinner recently. “I have so few women friends because I know very few I really respect.” Sad, but true.

    The thing is, you and Dommes such as yourself, are out in the wilderness here. As far most women go, including online and real life Dommes, accommodation (maybe some just see it as reasonable compromise) is rampant.

    However, you said it yourself…don't forget this (the reason we're all here): “…the loveliness and value of my own sexuality”. None of the wankers or the women who encourage them will ever take that away.

    That's the flag you are flying. Oh by the way, it's a flag that's for the most part, alone against the onslaught of the western world's commercialization of women's sexuality.

    So yeah, it's depressing to be out there by yourself. As you are aware I believe, your closest cohort threw up her hands and gave up, but she made a huge dent, as you are. Keep it up!

  19. I find it difficult to relate to people who feel the need to show others what they don't want to see. However, it would be impossible for them to find like-minded people if they didn't take such … uh … drastic measures. It's pretty much like simply walking down the street. You're bound to see something you don't like, be it the 12-year-old with the cigarette shouting at her granny or the half-dead junkie in the corner. And there will always be people who delight in other people's misery, as well as such people you described. There are downsides to every community.

  20. For Pup actually we rarely if ever get this kind of thing. When we do it's usually a guy wanting to be a girl. That said we get our share of idiots and wannabes they just manifest differently is all.

    Coug

  21. And this is why I lurk (and very occasionally comment) on this blog.

    I don't think I'm anywhere near submissive enough for lovely Ms Ferns to properly ensure she enjoy having me in most of her games (not all, some are intriguing, but I'm a switchable bratguy at heart) , yet I respect her a great deal. She's able to find the nuance in things and the best in other humans even when they can be annoying or make her angry. She's able to step in other peoples shoes in other words, and can handle respectful disagreement. So many Dommes/Mistresses on the net at least do not seem to be like this.

    Clarence

  22. N: “However, it would be impossible for them to find like-minded people if they didn't take such … uh … drastic measures.”

    I think that's true, yes… if you want to find the drug addicted 12 year olds, you have to have a trenchcoat full of drugs and flash it at every opportunity…

    “There are downsides to every community.”

    True enough… I had my rant, I'm ok now, really…

    *has more champagne… hick…*

    Ferns

  23. Clarence: “And this is why I lurk (and very occasionally comment) on this blog.”

    *smile* Thank you for the lurking (it's not creepy at all!) and the occasional comments, especially when they are so lovely.

    Ferns

  24. I had a guy email me and ask me what to do with the paddle in his photos.

    I told him it looked like a fine table tennis paddle and he should get back to me when he was table tennis champion of the world.

    I haven’t heard from him since.

    I’m not even sure why he contacted me, of all people. I have nothing in my profile about enjoying ping pong.

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