Sex as reward

I don’t get the ‘sex as reward’ thing.

  • He has to *earn* the right to touch me
  • If he is well behaved, I *may* allow him to lick me
  • When he has done x, y and z for me, then I will have sex with him
  • IF he has gone above and beyond, I will deign to give him a blow job

It paints Dommes as sex-negative puritanical women who reluctantly ‘endure’ sexual activity because he ‘deserves’ it or has ‘earned’ it, so we have to ‘give it up’ as something ‘for him’. What?!!

It’s sex as a commodity in some sort of bartering system. Don’t even get me started on a scenario where he has earned it and I don’t feel like it… Ugh! Where is *my* pleasure in that quid pro quo exchange? How the hell does that work?

What if I want to come, to be stroked and petted and licked and pleasured, or maybe I just want to fuck, but since he hasn’t ‘earned’ the right to touch me, I have to masturbate even though I have a perfectly good masturbatory tool sitting right there in the living room? Eh?

If I want it, I get it… he gets the benefit of what I want and it’s fun and hot and delicious. Isn’t that one of the big advantages of being the Domme?

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28 Comments

  1. Yes, exactly that is the big advantage of being the Domme – to feel fully entitled to as much joy and pleasure as you want to, at all times – regardless, if those pleasures are related to sexual activities or otherwise. You have all rights to insist on satisfaction, and your sub, for sure, doesn't want anything else more than to please you wholeheartedly according to your wishes.

    Also to me, implementing a “sex as reward”-system seems contradictory to the idea of D/s in so many ways.

    Kind regards,
    rené.

  2. Yup it is, it's fun to tease and deny and dangle it as a reward but all the time gosh no. It's usually the 24/7 type of people who use it like a right. You know some days I just want to come home and be “normal” in that I won't change out of my black leather® (cos you know as a Domme I totally always wear that even to weddings!)into my thigh high boots and latex. but just watch some TV have a cuddle then go to bed and make normal love SHOCKER!

    Coug

  3. I agree with you 100% and have never understood this whole thing. Why should I suffer and go without the sexual contact I want just because “he hasn't earned it?” Um, no. If he hasn't earned the right to touch me what the hell am I doing with him?

  4. rené: “…your sub, for sure, doesn't want anything else more than to please you wholeheartedly according to your wishes.”

    *smile* Well I've not met a human being yet who “doesn't want anything more” than to please their partner. We are complex human beings who have needs and wants, and if they aren't met, the person will leave (be they Dom or sub).

    “Also to me, implementing a “sex as reward”-system seems contradictory to the idea of D/s in so many ways.”

    Yes, I think so too, and it kind of harks back to a time when sex wasn't something fun for women, but was a favour to be doled out in a miserly fashion, and the man should be grateful for it. I actually understand a 'no sex' dynamic better than a 'sex as reward' dynamic.

    Ferns

  5. Ferns,

    Good luck with the new interface!

    Sex for me is a reward. It is for me be it pleasing my Mistress in any way she wants or being pleased by my Mistress. It creates pleasure and pleasure is tied up in our brains with reward.

    There is something in my brain, as well, that thinks it is hot to have my penis controlled by my Mistress, the tease and denial play, the making you cum and cum until you can't anymore play, the you've been a bad boy and need to be punished play. All of this is in the realm of play and meets needs for me and for my partner in the relationship. I find it fun and hot and sexy.

    robert

  6. It's a game, Miss. If people like it, great. If not, then they shouldn't play it.

    I mean, it would make a lot more sense just to walk up to the hole and drop the golf ball in it than to hit the darn thing repeatedly with a stick until it falls in. It makes no sense at all–unless you happen to like it.

    (Rereading what I wrote, I realize hitting things repeatedly with a stick may appeal to you. :-))

  7. +1 to what Etienne says. Nothing wrong with sex for service, if that's what you want to play. (Not my boat, though.)

    However, I think this illustrates the dangers of the Internet as a source of information on one's own fetishes: there are some very definite people out there pushing one particular take on who BDSM relationships can work.

  8. It's not just a benefit of being a Domme. It should be a benefit of being in most sexual relationships BUT women keep making it a reward system. So, everyone loses. Why, why why??????

  9. Coug: “Yup it is, it's fun to tease and deny and dangle it as a reward but all the time gosh no.”

    No argument there, it *is* fun to play with, but I'm really thinking about it in a wider context.

    “It's usually the 24/7 type of people who use it like a right.”

    Yes, I really am talking about the 24/7 folks (of which I consider myself one) who implement 'sex as reward' as one of the tenets of their relationship. And when I say '24/7', I don't mean 24/7 play, of course. That would be silly.

    “You know some days I just want to come home and be “normal”…”

    24/7 to me doesn't mean I don't get to be “normal”. It means I have the authority to choose what and when, *I* get to choose when we lie on the couch and kiss and cuddle and watch TV, but at the same time I have the right to shove him off the couch if I want, or tell him to go get me a drink, or make him sit on the floor. And plus, I have the remote.

    I know you know this, I am just spelling it out for clarity.

    So my 'eh?' is more around those who use 'sex as reward' in the same way I use 'punishment' – as an underlying and agreed cornerstone of their D/s relationship.

    Ferns

  10. Melissa Cohen: “Why should I suffer and go without the sexual contact I want…?”

    THIS! This is exactly my question.

    The logical thought that follows then goes something like this:

    “I am not suffering because… because…” (wait for it, you know it's coming…)… “… because I don't miss it, I don't want it, it is not something I enjoy, I do it for *him*, I 'give in to it' as a favour because he has been good…”

    By implication, doling sex out as a reward implies that it is a treat, a rarity… otherwise the premise falls down… doesn't it?

    Alternatively (and this makes more sense to me), it's not a primary relationship and she is getting her sexual needs met elsewhere.

    Ferns

  11. robert: “Good luck with the new interface!”

    Thank you… no big problems so far (fingers crossed!).

    “Sex for me is a reward…It creates pleasure and pleasure is tied up in our brains with reward.”

    Hmmm… no, you are talking about something different than 'reward', you are just really saying 'play is fun' and you won't get any argument from me on that.

    reward: “…a recompense for worthy acts”

    A reward is not a treat, is not a simple pleasure. It is 'payment' because you have proven yourself worthy of it. It is quid pro quo… you do x, and I will give you sexual favours.

    Ferns

  12. Étienne: “It's a game, Miss. If people like it, great. If not, then they shouldn't play it.”

    You know, of course, that this line of thought will shut down any discussion about anything EVER.

    “…hit the darn thing repeatedly with a stick…”

    *laugh* Who knew that golf could suddenly sound hot!

    Ferns

  13. Giles English: “Nothing wrong with sex for service, if that's what you want to play.”

    Nope, if it floats your boat, go wild. From a dominant woman's perspective, though… I just don't get it because the underlying implications about 'how a woman must think' for it to work is exceedingly odd to me.

    “However, I think this illustrates the dangers of the Internet as a source of information on one's own fetishes: there are some very definite people out there pushing one particular take on who BDSM relationships can work.”

    Yes, there are, and I can easily be touted as someone who does that also, but the touters would be wrong! *smile*

    I do think what bothers me *is* partly the element of 'shoulds' implicit in this style of D/s (one being that Dommes 'should' be icy cold and uninterested in their own sexual expression and happiness).

    Ferns

  14. alexworld: “It's not just a benefit of being a Domme. It should be a benefit of being in most sexual relationships…”

    Good point. The main difference to me of D/s vs vanilla relationships is that in a vanilla relationship, the sexual pace is often driven by the man (what he wants, when he wants, how he wants), putting the woman in the position of 'the gatekeeper' – it is a position of powerlessness.

    In a D/s relationship, she has the control to get what she wants when she wants how she wants. To me, there is a wonderful freedom in that.

    Ferns

  15. Oh Ferns you know I didn't mean you silly. I'm talking about the I R Domin8 24/7 365 types who never do anything unless it's D/s related. You and I know the score there. It's those who use it as a reward type think the ones who equate Domme with bitch (the not good bitch that is) and you'll get my take.

    I know there are subs out there that do like the concept and fair do's to them. But yeah makes no sense to me to deprive me of what I want in some bizarre reward/punish scenario.

    Coug

  16. LOL I so agree Ferns.. never got that either. Why I'm glad I have this awful habit of not following the “rules” well. I rather get what I want.. I always thought that was the benefit of being in charge!

  17. Coug: “I know there are subs out there that do like the concept and fair do's to them. But yeah makes no sense to me to deprive me of what I want in some bizarre reward/punish scenario.”

    *nod* Yes, it obviously works for some… I think my obvious bias discourages those with the opposing view from commenting…

    Me, biased? Oh, come on!! Heh.

    Ferns

  18. I must be lacking as a dominant – because I never want the remote control…. ;)

    As long as he is playing with my hair or rubbing my feet, I dont ever care what is on that box.

    MistressKimm

  19. MistressKimm: “I must be lacking as a dominant – because I never want the remote control…”

    Geez, woman, where are your priorities?!! *~laugh~*

    I have to say that for me, often it's not about having the the 'thing' as much as *him giving it up…*

    Ferns

  20. Ferns…lol…I get that too.

    Do you know where that rears it's head for me? When it comes to food. If he has ANYthing, I am nibbling or eating off of it. I dont even want it half the time, but it is his and he is eating it – so I must take some of it. While this is fun and funny and my nature, it does mean more gym time…*laughing

    MistressKimm

  21. Stabbity: “You mean I'm not the only one who doesn't get the 'sex as reward' thing? *does the happy dance*”

    No no… you can come and hang over in the corner with me and we will happy dance together!

    Ferns

  22. This is really beautifully written and I couldn’t agree more. I do tend to like the thought of the woman controlling the sex and it being on her terms. If I please her and she’s not in the mood, then sex shall not be happening. If I would fall short of her standards and she still wants sex, then that is her decision.

    I love the fact you referred to him as a “masturbatory tool”. It would be so sexy to be called that.

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