House guest

He makes me fresh fruit and vegetable juice in the morning with apples, oranges, celery, zuchinni, beetroot, carrot, pear, ginger…

He cooks fabulous dinners with fresh ingredients… bœuf bourguignon, home made pizza, lamb shanks in red wine, cauliflower and asparagus soup…

He takes out the garbage, puts the bins out on the curb, takes them back in.

He offers chauffeuring… lifts to work, pick up from the train station, errands.

He entertains my sister when I really can’t face it.

He does the shopping, going to the farmer’s market before I am awake, the house is filled with fresh, crispy, bright food.

He gives me the TV remote.

He buys little treats that he knows I love and hides them in the pantry.

He offers me foot massages and pedicures.

He is quiet and unobtrusive, he tries to make himself small in my space, to not make any demands, to not be disruptive and for the most part, he succeeds.

He is a wonderful, considerate, fabulous, sweet and lovely man… the perfect houseguest, and I cannot wait to get him the hell out of my space.

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15 Comments

  1. I feel your pain Ferns. No matter how nice or pleasant, a house guest is still in YOUR space and that means that it is no longer really yours.

    OK, maybe I'm just anti-social, but after a long day out there in the world, I need some space to just “be” and it's very hard to do with someone else about.

  2. Coug: “…dontcha hate that when they are so perfect it makes your teeth hurt and you want to kill them ?”

    *laugh* poor guy! I wanted to kill him *despite* him being perfect!

    Ferns

  3. slapshot: “…a house guest is still in YOUR space and that means that it is no longer really yours.”

    This. Exactly. It is so *totally* not his fault, it is just that he was in my space!! Luckily, he knows me well enough to not be offended by me being prickly and difficult. It's one of my most charming traits…

    Ferns

  4. As a sensitive man, he will have realised that, at times, you didn't want him around. He could then have walked out of the house without thinking and been hit by a car or, possibly, attacked by a misandrist great white shark with a cutlass or a rampaging kangaroo carrying a Heckler & Koch 7.63 mm Assault Rifle. Did you think of such things, Miss Ferns? *Did* you?

    Jesus said that the crime is in the thought as well as the deed. Or at least, if he didn't say that, he should have done.

    Hell will be your home, for eternity. Though not for wanting your saintly houseguest out – but for not writing anything fruity this time. I demand fruitiness, and I demand it *now*.

    Sir Puppington Lothian.

  5. Oh dear Sir PL,

    Perhaps you didn't hear what happened to the last man who demanded something from the beautiful Ms Ferns? Don't worry, no one else ever heard what happened to him either.

    No, there's only one way to influence Ms Ferns and that's by begging. A lot. You get used to it after a while. She has the kindness to make sure you get used to it.

    Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please Ms Ferns could you write something nice? I don't ask for myself but in pity for all those desperate addicts who get all trembly and anticipation of your posts.

  6. Anonymous,

    “No, there's only one way to influence Ms Ferns and that's by begging. A lot. You get used to it after a while. She has the kindness to make sure you get used to it.”

    Poppycock. Miss Ferns will give me what I demand, or I shall have my people contact her people. I will tolerate no nonsense in the matter. I'm a busy man and have no time to read piffle about irksome houseguests when I require sweatiness and woodsomeness with my morning coffee.

    Sir Puppington Lothian.

  7. Puppy: “Did you think of such things, Miss Ferns? *Did* you?”

    I did not, it's true. I am a selfish awful person… oh wait… *those* are also a couple of my most charming traits… huzzah!

    “I demand fruitiness, and I demand it *now*.”

    Ah hmmm… how's that workin' out for ya?

    Ferns

  8. Anonymous: “Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please Ms Ferns could you write something nice?”

    “…something nice”?? Hmmm…

    *writes about puppies and fluffy kittens… adds some apples for SLP…*

    Just between you and me, anonymous… I have written something personal, just for you… It is peppered with filthy hot play and pain and terrible unfairness… You see how begging works… it does, just like that!

    I do hope my email to anonymous-at-mail.com arrives ok.

    Ferns

  9. Puppy: “Poppycock. Miss Ferns will give me what I demand, or I shall have my people contact her people. I will tolerate no nonsense in the matter. I'm a busy man and have no time to read piffle about irksome houseguests when I require sweatiness and woodsomeness with my morning coffee.”

    *laugh* Points for the absolute hilarity of this paragraph… well done!

    My people are awaiting your people's call…

    Ferns

  10. The perfect house guest calls moments before the sweeping, mopping and stretching of freshly washed linens on the guest bed begins with these words: “Hello my dear. So sorry to not be able to join you for the winter! My great aunt Sadie, may the good lord protect her, died just this morning. She had no heirs other than me! Her investments in Tasmanian badger pelts left her blessed with abundance. You do understand I must tend to the details, yes? *mumbled words in response of understanding and sadness with an undertone of *yes!!!!* I'm sorry dear..say again? *more words of regret and sadness enunciated clearly with an undertone of *god is great!*. I will try to make plans to spend next winter with you. Oh, before i forget, dear… I wanted to send you a small portion of the inheritance for your trouble. Is that okay? *clear words of “yes, of course if it is not too much trouble!”* Wonderful! Dear…the guest bath tiles need regrouting. Did you notice? Silly of me to mention. I will be in touch! Much love.”

    Did i dream this? Will i dream this again?

  11. sweatytenderloins: “My great aunt Sadie, may the good lord protect her, died just this morning.”

    I am sorry to hear about poor aunt Sadie… please do take your time in dealing with her affairs, these things must be done right.

    I shall look for your gift in the mail, your kindness is appreciated. I shall make plans never to work again, administering this small gift will be a full time job.

    Aunt Sadie was such a dear.

    Ferns

  12. Mrs Mira: “House guests get old fast, but I wouldn't mind the foot massages and pedicures”

    I can understand that, though for me it is the morning juice that I am missing the most.

    Ferns

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