A million words

The email is profoundly depressing, but it’s right. I wanted yearning and regret, I wanted tender words of lost love, I wanted support and hand holding, I wanted impossible things, I wanted all that. All that. And then more.

I asked him to write me something sweet to hang onto when we spoke last, but he hasn’t. I know he is writing for me a million words, he is writing for me for weeks and months, he is writing for me, and it will not be enough, when it comes, finally, it will not be enough. When it comes, finally, I will not need it anymore.

So, it is right that I get a polite email, a nice email, a pleasant email, it is right to drift away, it is right to not speak of anything at all, it is right and it makes me cry.

Tomorrow, I will be okay, but tonight I feel sorry for me.

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10 Comments

  1. For what it's worth, I feel sorry for you too. When you lose that one, you just want something, anything to hold on to. You want them to understand and leave you with that little thing that tells you it's going to be ok. You reach out but nothing's there. I know it well. I've been there. But you know what? It does get better and the sun comes out again.

  2. Wonderful moments left behind… great projects left unfinished… beautiful visions that will never come to life… a potential for love and happiness unfulfilled…

    These are the real sources of deep and painful heartaches. Once the arguments and disagreements have started to blur, these are the things that make us say… “I miss you”.

    But once broken from the fall, the beautiful porcelain vase of love can never again hold water, no matter how much glue and tape is used. And it is upon this realization, and acceptance, that we move forward again. And begin, in time, to find more (if different) moments, projects, and visions.

    Love and happiness remain out there, and through growth, wisdom, and temperance, will be all the easier to grasp as the pain you feel now is deep.

    Much strength and courage to you.

    Dymion
    Owned & collared by Goddess Selena

  3. Thank you, Faith, slapshot, Dymion, for your very kind words. I don't think I will address your comments individually on this post.

    I did want to point out, though I am not sure why I think it's important, that there were no arguments or disagreements, just unfortunate circumstances. Had the circumstances been different, we would still be together.

    Faith, you are exactly right. I alternatively revel in and am thankful for the pain as evidence that it was something important and worthwhile, and have cry-baby days where I just wallow. This one was a bit of a wallow.

    It will be fine, just sometimes it's not.

    Ferns

  4. Mistress Ferns sorry to hear that You are hurting, If i was permited i would give You a hug and some worship of Your choosing. Think i'm going through the same with my Mistress. but reckon that was my fault since i took a bit of a tumble a while back and hid from every one.

    ID (returning sub)

  5. Thank you ID, XXXXXXX, Étienne for popping by with kind thoughts.

    I hope, ID and Étienne, that your situation and that of those you know improves.

    Ferns

  6. It sounds like you are on the right track: Letting yourself hurt when it hurts, and letting go when you're done. All of the wisdom in the world doesn't make it hurt any less, though. Thank you for sharing these thoughts and moments with us; it takes a lot of courage and honesty, and as someone who has been going through a similar period myself, I appreciate being able to see the way you are processing it.

  7. Anonymous: I am so sorry you are going through something similar also. There seem to be a few of us out there… stupid relationships!!

    You are absolutely right in saying that you have to let it hurt when it hurts, and let it go when it's done. And also that *knowing* doesn't change *feeling*.

    I am really glad that you are getting something positive from it, even if it's just a 'me too'. I hope each day is a little better.

    Ferns

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