The path

I wrote this on a discussion board recently:

Wilful disobedience is a signal that something is wrong, and if you don’t understand and fix the underlying problem, it’s a fast path to nowhere.

My boy has been wilfully disobedient recently. It *is* a signal that something is wrong, I *do* understand what the problem is, but I can’t fix it. *We* can’t fix it, even though we both want to. We are on a path to nowhere, not a fast path, but a determined one, a slogging, ponderous, soul-heavy path.

Sometimes, as much as I wish I could make everything right, I can’t. My boy feels things more keenly than I do, his sensitivity is one of his strengths, at least most of the time. He is withdrawing from me, and it is difficult and awful and I watch him shut down into himself, sad and hurt, and there is nothing I can do. He is going to break my heart, this beautiful boy, and I will give as good as I get. Neither of us will escape from here unscathed.

 

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25 Comments

  1. Is this one of those “It's no longer a problem and everything is fine but I didn't tell you in my post just to bug you” kind of posts?

  2. C.S. Blogger: “:-( I've been there. Possibly one of the least pleasant places to be. I'm sorry.”

    No, it's not the best feeling is it? Thank you for the empathy.

    Ferns

  3. Brids: “Is this one of those “It's no longer a problem and everything is fine but I didn't tell you in my post just to bug you” kind of posts?”

    *smile* I don't do it to bug you, I do it to bring you along with me when I feel things.

    And I wish I could say it was all handled and it all worked out ok. But this time, I can't.

    Ferns

  4. Remy: “If at all possible, then change the path…. if not, if it's a slow bad path to nowhere, I'd at least try and take a shortcut. :(“

    I'll give it my best shot, but sometimes, though I hate to admit it, things are beyond my control.

    Ferns

  5. “And I wish I could say it was all handled and it all worked out ok. But this time, I can't.”

    Well that's rather depressing…If you both want it to work out though, shouldn't it?

  6. “Neither of us will escape from here unscathed.”

    You know, those words could be a fitting epitaph for so many relationships. Having recently been in a similar situation, I know what you are going through. I feel your pain.

    However, don't give up too soon. While it is true that events may be beyond your control, it is also true that two reasoning minds can work wonders together if both are so inclined. Hopefully, the two of you will find a way through this. My thoughts are with you.

  7. Brids: “If you both want it to work out though, shouldn't it?”

    Yes, yes it should, and I do wish that things were so simple that wanting something was enough.

    Ferns

  8. I can't do the long drawn out painful endings. I do *something*, most of the time I end things. If I know it's going downhill and I can't stop it…Might as well get it over with and then deal w/ the aftermath. I do hope things take a turn for the better for both of you.

    Granny always said I didn't have any patience at all…

    Faith

  9. slapshot: “…Having recently been in a similar situation, I know what you are going through. I feel your pain.”

    Yes, it sucks (that would be another fitting epitaph…).

    “Hopefully, the two of you will find a way through this. My thoughts are with you.”

    Thank you for your encouragement and kind words. The bottom line is really that when the scales tip from 'mostly happy' to not, you either fix the thing that is causing the unhappiness (I can't), or you find a way to tip the scales in the other direction *despite* the thing (I have not given up on this just yet).

    I apologise for being obscure, but what 'the thing' is is rather irrelevant in the scheme of things.

    Ferns

  10. Faith: “I can't do the long drawn out painful endings. I do *something*, most of the time I end things.”

    I will try everything I can to mend it first, but if I can't, I can't. In this instance, *he* actually has to decide what he can cope with because he is unhappy, and I have to accept it. We still have much talking to do. I am not done with him yet.

    “I do hope things take a turn for the better for both of you.”

    Me too… I am hoping that I will be posting a “It's all sorted, folks!” post soon, and then you can all roll your eyes, throw virtual fruit and call me a drama queen!

    “Granny always said I didn't have any patience at all…”

    Grannies are often uncannily correct in these grand proclamations. Mine always said I was lazy. She's quite right. I am… thanks Gran!

    Ferns

  11. “Yes, yes it should, and I do wish that things were so simple that wanting something was enough.”

    If you want it bad enough…

    It kind of sounds like you've given up hope already to be honest. You say you don't but you seems pretty sure you can't fix this. I can't recall a time where anything has worked out overly well when in the mind set that it couldn't be worked out.

  12. “I will try everything I can to mend it first, but if I can't, I can't. In this instance, *he* actually has to decide what he can cope with because he is unhappy, and I have to accept it. We still have much talking to do. I am not done with him yet.”

    I try it all too. But there is a point that something inside me just flips a switch and I'm done. There isn't any particular trigger, it just happens. I don't know why but I do know that it doesn't take as long as it used to. *smiles* I will keep looking for the **it's all resolved** post.

    Faith

  13. I can relate to the feelings you expressed very well. Though there's no advice to give without knowing more of the situation.

    Beeing at a point myself, where my sub and I are probably hurting each other just as much as longing to be what the other one needs, I wish both of you patience and strength to work through this.

    Best wishes
    Chí

  14. Brids: “If you want it bad enough…”

    Yes, and love is enough and everyone lives happily ever after.

    I KNEW that you would go this way, and I understand why, and there is no way to respond to it except to comment on the fact that you are young and have not yet built up a lifetime of, well, life, that includes ties and obligations and debts and career etc etc. You can't always just do what you want.

    Think about a situation where what you want might cost you $50,000, and might hurt your family a lot (not the case here, just trying to find an example that might make sense to you), simply wanting it isn't enough is it?

    “It kind of sounds like you've given up hope already to be honest.”

    Not yet.

    Ferns

  15. Faith: “I try it all too. But there is a point that something inside me just flips a switch and I'm done.”

    I think that's healthy, and I am probably a bit slower to do that than I should be. I obsessively have to make sure that I have looked at every possible angle, and the trigger is usually the point where I am just emotionally exhausted. Something in me shuts down, like a protective shield, and then I am done.

    I will keep looking for the **it's all resolved** post.”

    *smile* I'm practicing writing it, just so I am ready!

    Ferns

  16. miladymao: “I can relate to the feelings you expressed very well… Beeing at a point myself, where my sub and I are probably hurting each other just as much as longing to be what the other one needs, I wish both of you patience and strength to work through this.”

    Oh, thank you for your comment, and I am so sorry to hear you are going through something so hurtful also. I do wish you and your sub a good outcome, and thank you for your good wishes.

    Ferns

  17. “I KNEW that you would go this way,”

    Am I that predictable?

    “there is no way to respond to it except to comment on the fact that you are young and have not yet built up a lifetime of, well, life, that includes ties and obligations and debts and career etc etc.”

    Why does every conversation end up coming back to my age? I'm half your age…That's a pretty large amount of age if you as me…

    Although I am completely debt and career free.

    “Think about a situation where what you want might cost you $50,000, and might hurt your family a lot (not the case here, just trying to find an example that might make sense to you), simply wanting it isn't enough is it?”

    Maybe it's because it's 4am or because I can be a little slow to grasp what people are trying to say sometimes but I don't get it. I can't think of any situation where $50,000 and an upset family would stop me from being able to love someone and be with them.

    I mean, if it was a situation where we couldn't afford to live together, we just wouldn't. Millions of people have relationships where they don't live together.

    If it was a situation where others didn't approve I'd say screw them. If they care enough about me they'll set that aside.

    If one of our jobs required us to move, we could just move.

    Maybe I need a better example. =

  18. Brids: If you want to talk about it further, drop me an email (though, I noticed that you still haven't replied to my *last* email!).

    Ferns

  19. Oh, I do hope you can work it out. It sounds from here like such a wonderful relationship.
    My slave moved here to be with me…sacrificing career, family, money, etc. He took such hits to make this work. And the first year was at times SO hard. We had to learn and go deeper…and all that. it is wonderful now, beyond what I imagined – but it did take a lot of time, patience, work, tears and more.

    My best to you both.
    MistressKimm

  20. MistressKimm: “Oh, I do hope you can work it out. It sounds from here like such a wonderful relationship.”

    *smile* It *is* a wonderful relationship, and I hope so too.

    “My slave moved here to be with me…sacrificing career, family, money, etc… it is wonderful now…”

    Oh, I am so glad to hear that, I do love it when things work out, and kudos to you both also for your bravery in taking the leap.

    “My best to you both.”

    Thank you, I appreciate the good wishes.

    Ferns

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