For an introvert, it’s a kind of hell (only with really lovely well meaning folks. And presents!).
As I’m banging this out, I’m waiting for family to arrive. They will be staying with me for a few days.
Then I will go stay there for a couple of days a little later in the month.
Then one of them will be staying with me again for a few days before Christmas.
Then Christmas day all together again.
I have a tiny family, I’m not talking about dozens of people.
And yet, my head is already full. I’m trying to cycle up the social energy for it right now, and will be working on keeping it humming at some level for the duration.
It’s not them. I love them, and they are sweet wonderful people and really great house guests.
So on top of the introvert-panic, I feel guilty. Guilty for not being all excited about this time we will spend together. Of course I will hide it. I’m good at that. My sister will know, she knows what I’m like.
And to think, I actually invited two boys I was talking to to come and visit me over this period. I really don’t know what I was thinking. Twitterpated. Heh.
I’m going to leave the book cover poll open for longer than expected since I will be busy and won’t be doing anything with the results just yet. If you haven’t voted yet, please do. The numbers are really close. THIS DOES NOT HELP ME!
I sourced some different artwork because I wasn’t happy with the stock photos in the previous lot of covers. See, I mentioned ‘useless perfectionist dithering’ didn’t I?
So I’m asking for your opinion on which you like best AGAIN (I included the two top-rated covers from the previous poll, so if you still like those best, you can hit that vote button again and mutter “FFS, I already DID this!!”).
I know, I know, JUST GET THE FRIGGING THING OUT ALREADY AND STOP BOTHERING US ABOUT IT FERNS, GEEZ!
In case you missed the description from my last poll: The book is an anthology of play stories from this blog: Vignettes of BDSM play that run the gamut from sweet, heart-melting little exchanges to intensely hot pain play.
I want the cover to convey a female dominant/male submissive dynamic while avoiding anything too ‘stereotypical femdom’. I also want something that will engage the interest of a casual browser on Amazon.
I do love getting interesting questions, so thank you to those who sent them in via my Ask Me page. If I was organised, I’d do the Q&A on some kind of monthly schedule, but I’m totally not, so randomness it is!
People seem to think that because a woman is Dominant she must act in specific ways all the time. As intelligent people we both know that is not how it works in reality though. There are times, I am sure, where you do not feel Dominant such as when you are tired or drained. So I am curious how do you still maintain the balance in your relationship when you do not feel Dominant in your relationship?
*smile* Hello Mysticlez,
“how do you still maintain the balance in your relationship when you do not feel Dominant in your relationship?”
I assume when you say ‘maintain the balance’ you mean the D/s dynamic.
Well, you kind of answered your question in your first couple of sentences.
But here’s the secret… shhhh… no telling…
D/s is my relationship style, not an ‘activity’. The understanding of how our relationship works is there for both of us whether I am ‘feeling dominant’ or not. All it really means means is that I get what I want (caveat caveat negotiations boundaries limits etc).
So when I am tired or drained, I *still* get what I want, so I guess you could call that ‘maintaining the balance’.
“I’m exhausted, please leave me alone for a while/get me a drink/rub my feet/pat me/whatever…”
In fact when I’m exhausted, he has the perfect opportunity to step up his service if it seems like I might want some of that.
Exercising my dominance in different ways (and ditto for his submission) is how we keep the relationship and the dynamic humming, so I do understand the question you are asking in a broader sense. If I’ve stopped participating in the D/s dynamic in the ways we normally do altogether, and it’s ongoing, and there doesn’t seem to be a reason for it nor any end to it, then that’s something different and we’d need to have a talk and figure out what’s going on.
I saw a post on Tumblr the other day about trying to know the difference between being submissive and masochistic because you enjoy it and want to explore yourself, or those things but actually you just want someone to beat the crap out of you because you feel awful and really it’s just self harm by proxy – and basically I’m pretty sure that for me it’s the second and I really, really don’t know what to do about that.
I’m so sorry that you are feeling awful, and you are right to be concerned by the idea of ‘self harm by proxy’, and it’s really good that you have the self awareness to recognise it.
I think you need to step back from any play while you sort this out because if it comes from somewhere unhealthy, I doubt it’s going to end well for you or your partners.
I suggest you seek out a kink friendly therapist in your area to help you figure out what’s going on (do a search for “kink friendly therapist” or “kink aware therapist”). I looked around for some support groups, but couldn’t find any, so I’m really not any help there.
I hope you work it out *warm hug*.
I adore all dommes, I love how powerful women you are ! ..can I ask you what is the best femdom sims ?
Thank you for your generic adoration and love.
By ‘sim’, I assume you mean an area in a program like IMVU or Second Life? I have only ever used Second Life, but haven’t been there in ages. Velvet Thorn is the femdom sim I used to frequent there.
But surely an in-world search would find these for you?
My gf enjoys my humiliation and has put me on a program where my orgasm is always matched to a humiliating story or circumstance so that eventually humiliation will turn me on. It is sort of working. She says I’m a natural Beta boy and need to show respect around Alpha males. I understand that, but I don’t know how to behave. What do they want with me when they have her?
I do not understand this scenario or this question.
I was going to assume some stuff and answer the question with a whole bunch of assumptions behind it, but here’s the wisdom of the ages for you:
Talk to your partner and ask her.
I know. It’s a revelation!
I’m an intelligent man interesting in talking about and perhaps exploring your world, would you be interested in messaging?
I’m on skype, nicXXXXX [redacted] if you’d like to chat. Thank you :)
No thanks, though I guess you figured that out already from my continued absence.
I’m stingy with skype because real time interactions take a lot more time and attention than asynchronous communications like email, so I use it rarely.
I am a submissive man, first time connecting, and reading your chronicles, I am already on my knees, begging you to accept me as your submissive slave.
No resistance, just obedience under my goddess boots
Thank you stranger, though you realise this is a really dumb way to contact me on so many levels it’s not even funny.
Let’s pretend that I think this is the best idea EVER (I don’t, by the way, just to be perfectly clear): how am I supposed to contact my new submissiveslave so I can get some obediencing out of him?
You have not thought this whole scenario through. I mean really, what’s a goddess gotta do to get a decent submissiveslave?
Thank you for your time, I am a 41 year old submissive who has went to greal lengths to meet and serve my life time Domme, but have failed,please allow me to ask, how.and where in Ontario, Canada do I meet a true hearted Domme?, one who believes solely in everything in your heading,”beatings, sex, power, love, vulnerability and pain, who believes that there are some men who sole heartedly believe that woman are the more Dominate race, and should be treated and served as such, I wish to be trained in all aspects, including disipline, as I believe we men all make mistakes and should be reminded harshly just who is the queen, I hope I have not bored you or wasted your time, thank you.
You have not bored me or wasted my time, but wow, you have a lot of mixed up stuff in there.
- There are no ‘true hearted Dommes’. There are Dommes who are compatible with you, and those who aren’t. I suggest you look for the former (see my next points).
- Re compatibility, you should realise that not all dominant women believe that ‘woman are the more Dominate race’. Also, it’s ‘dominant’, not dominate, and women are not a race.
- Re compatibility, not all dominant women are interested in training or discipline.
- Re compatibility, not all dominant women are interested in reminding anyone harshly of anything, much less that they are queens.
How do you find one? First, forget the ‘true hearted Domme’ thing.
Write up a description of the relationship you are looking for so that you have some clarity.
Then write an ad, here’s some help for you.
Put the ad up on Collarme.com.
Join Fetlife.com and find some local groups where you can post the personal ad and/or find local munches that you can attend to meet people.
Do not send money (‘tributes’) to women you don’t know. They are scammers.
Just out of curiosity, what would like for Christmas? :-)
*laugh* Well that depends. Are we talking ‘in the whole world if money was no object?’ Or are we talking ‘you know me and are sussing me out all sneaky-like?’ They are two very different things!!
I am rubbish at this, though I will always accept fabulous new shoes (size 10!). Oh, and a new laptop, Simon is getting to be a tad unreliable!
how do I ask out a professional domme? I am not one of her subs, in fact I haven’t even talked to her yet because I want to ask her like I would normally. Does that work or is there something special I need to know?
Professional Dommes are women too, so do all the things you would normally do if you were asking someone out including (if you can find this out from her public information) whether she is actually looking for a relationship. I assume she has a profile somewhere, writings etc. Pay attention, learn what you can about her, and don’t make the mistake of thinking that her professional advertising represents ‘who she is’ as a person.
Re that last: If you have decided you like her because of her public advertising/profiles for her services, then just be aware that it’s marketing. Some professional Dommes are not dominant in their personal lives, or heterosexual, or at all like their professional marketing material. So don’t assume that’s ‘who she is’.
Best of luck.
Good Morning. I’m seeking a serous Domme to be an asset to her. Can you please tell me how/where to find a person whom wants ( not needs) a slave male ?
How handy, I just answered this above! Go look!!
Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…
Him: Since my face is there [on a profile he just shared with me] I’ll note I am 23 years young, so hold your ‘potential’ horses. *smile*
Me: [after taking a look] Well aren’t you adorable *smile*!
I had picked you for much older when you first commented – you seem to have an easy confidence that generally comes with maturity (not age, necessarily).
I halted the horses. Anyway, how do you know they were even out, hmmm?
Him: I just knew.
(Thank you *beam*)
Me: *laugh* I will neither confirm nor deny that they were or were not out, were or were not saddled, were or were not bridled, were or were not about to be cropped, fed, stirruped (is SO a word!), petted or otherwise handled.
And you’re welcome.
Thank you so much to everyone who voted and commented! I really appreciate the input (plus it’s super-fun to see what people think!).
The results were pretty close with 7 winning out over 5.
With the comments and private emails I have received, it’s clear that the font used in 5-7 is preferred, and that images from 1 or 2 might be reusable on covers with that font. And many of you expressed the opinion that they were all cheesy *laugh*. I have really appreciated all the feedback.
I’ll confess that I’m still considering other options because I just can’t get excited about any of these (ref: the ‘perfectionist dithering’ I mentioned here).
I think that the favourites you have identified are totally usable, and I’m absolutely taking all of the feedback on board, but I’m still dissatisfied.
I feel like this is my baby and I want a cover that I look at and go ‘Fuck yeah! THAT!’, and none of these hit that mark for me.
Rest assured that I am determined to get this book out soon, whether I get something I love for the cover art or not.
A few months ago I got a really lovely email from a reader and he mentioned that he had been inspired by the happy femdom stories that people have shared here.
He said that he wasn’t sure if his story would fit because he and his wife started their life together as a vanilla couple and their D/s relationship evolved from there. Well of COURSE it fits (we have had two others with similar stories)!
It’s a wonderful story that is still unfolding. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Following our path
When I reached puberty, the fantasies I mostly had involved being seduced or captured by women who then did various things to me, controlling me in some fashion. I didn’t know anything about kinks, BDSM, or D/s at that point, barely knew what sex was about. And there were no resources available to me at that time; no internet, no personal computers, nothing except magazines and books, none which did more than lightly suggest anything on this topic.
As I got older, occasionally I would come across a magazine that included kinky things, and I was always deeply drawn to the topic of women in control. But it was just wank fodder, as far as I could tell, I never even thought about sharing that with anyone.
So my dating and developing relationships did not involve that aspect at all. It was not part of searching for a partner, merely something that was fun to fantasize about when masturbating. And I gradually tried some self bondage and other things as my fantasies inspired me.
Eventually, I found someone that seemed a wonderful fit for me and we got married. And as with all couples, we had lots to get used to about each other.
As we explored sex to see what we both liked, my strong desire to feel submissive came out at times. Occasionally I would spice things up and suggest trying something like tying me up to see how that worked for us both. And we would discuss how these spicy additions, or supplements, worked for us. For the most part, while she was willing to try them, she was not turned on by them, and would have been fine dropping them if left to her own devices. But as we explored she found that my reactions to what she did was turning her on. And she found that she enjoyed eliciting these reactions from me. I, on the other hand found them compelling and wanted to experience more. So I kept suggesting new things to try, sometimes obtaining new things to use such as dog collars to use as wrist and ankle cuffs.
As we slowly explored and gained more experience, the internet and other resources started to come on-line. This allowed me to better understand my desires and realize that I was not alone. And find new things to try, of course. One day, while searching the internet, I came upon chastity devices for men, the CB2000 specifically. This really captivated my mind and I could not stop reading for an hour or so. I was compelled to obtain one and began wearing it, trying to engage my wife in this, to me, very hot idea.
True to form, she did not find it compelling, but worked with me sometimes and enjoyed my reaction to some extent. After 6 months of so of trying this out, I came to an epiphany while she was out of town. I realized that a device was not needed (yes, I can be slow at times) and that what really turned me on was giving her control over my pleasure.
Have you ever had your mind racing so much you could not sleep as you kept turning a critical decision over and over in your mind? That was me until she returned from the trip.
As soon as she returned, I hesitatingly brought this new idea up and promised her that I would never play with myself again, unless she gave me explicit instructions to do so. She paused, pondering what I had just promised, and then said that was a long time to commit to. I quickly agreed, with some relief actually, and suggested maybe a trial run for 6 months would be smarter.
Immediately she responded, saying, “Too late, you already promised,” with a smile on her face. My heart melted at those words and it was like giving her my marriage vows all over again.
For me that was the moment that I realized I wanted to submit and have a D/s dynamic in our relationship. True, at this point it was all focused on sex. But this crystallized for me that what I really wanted was to be submissive. And I realized that the tools were not what was important.
Ropes, whips, chastity devices, etc were just the tools. What I craved and needed was to submit and be under a woman’s control. Not just as something to spice up our sex life, not just an occasional scene to do, but instead for it to be a real and permanent part of our relationship.
As time went on, we explored what this new arrangement meant and how it worked. Not so easy while raising kids and having busy lives, but slowly we progressed. My wife really enjoyed her ability to control my sexual responses, and I found that this feeling of being controlled or submitting was really important to me.
As I read more and discussed more about this with my wife and others on line, I gradually came to understand that my need to submit and be controlled was a core element of my sexuality, not just wank fodder. I wanted to feel this aspect more intensely. So we experimented, as she felt intrigued with various ideas I would gently suggest that turned me on.
This past spring/summer, a number of things seemed to come together for me and pushed me to a new level of submission. Over the last few years, we had explored confining me by chaining me to the toilet or laundry room sink. This was very compelling to me, but there was no reason to do it other than to arouse me, so we rarely did it. Independent of this, I had been sorting out how to better manage our occasional disagreements, and realized that I had trouble being analytical (my go-to strategy in that situation) when she was letting her emotions play out, which she needed to do. I recognized that when we paused and I could be introspective, we could resolve things a lot better later, after re-engaging. Finally, I happened upon Ferns blog and most of the things Ferns said not only resonated strongly with me, but in fact crystallized my thoughts.
First, I realized a powerful tool that could be used in disagreements would be for her to give me a time out, as it allowed her emotions to play out and forced a separation that helped me, and changed the power dynamic. This was the first time I internally realized I wanted control in more areas of my life than sex. Of course, the thing that allows this to be carried out is partly the sexual turn on, but the desire for her to be able to control the disagreement process was strikingly strong in me.
I realized that I wanted her to be confident that I would do as she said, that she could have the feeling that she was could tell me to do anything and I would do it. And if not, then we had some work to do to sort out why I did not obey her, and how to fix that so I will do better in the future. Ferns ability to conceptualize what makes this dynamic work and how to keep it going were particularly important for me, with her posts on a vulnerability, making D/s work, and punishment resonating strongly.
We are just beginning this phase of our relationship. And, while we do not know where we will end up, I have always looked at life as a journey. Where my destination is not clear, but the journey is what is important, not the destination. I hope everyone can enjoy the journey as much as we have!
This post is part of an ongoing project to share happy, positive femdom relationship stories. If you have a story and are willing to share it, please email it to me (ferns AT domme-chronicles DOT com).