e[lust] #90

Welcome to Elust 90

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #91 Start with the rules, come back February 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Conflicted part 1

Glow

Happy Endings

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Please You to Please Me

How to suck my cock – part 1 (attitude)

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Visions of Sugarplums

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

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10 steps to make your first BDSM playtime amazing

This is for new dominants. Secrets. Shhhh… no telling.

So you’re a new dominant and you’ve met a submissive someone who you really like and click with and you’re heading into your very first ever play session. You’re probably scared shitless (it’s okay, I won’t tell). Nerves are normal: taking something that has lived in your head as a fantasy out into the real world with an honest-to-god real submissive partner is scary as hell. Trying to hang onto a ‘dominant headspace’, all confident and sure of yourself, can be really hard when the voice in your head is all fear and doubt.

This post is for you: It’s the information I wish I’d had when I was a baby Domme and didn’t have a clue what I was doing. I really wanted someone to just ‘tell me how to do it right’ and what I got instead was ‘you’re the dominant, you get to do what you want’ which was rage making and not at all useful.

Firstly, if you’re doing private play do all the talk to get to know each other (at least) well enough that you both feel safe. Negotiate limits and safewords and make sure you’re both on the same page. None of this happens in a vacuum. There is plenty of information out there about safety (yours and theirs): I’m not going to cover it here. I’m going to assume you’ve done all that already (you have, right?!). I’m more about wanting to give tips for planning and for the play itself in this post.

So here goes:

1. Use a BDSM checklist

Both of you fill in a BDSM checklist* separately if you haven’t already (best to grab one that is editable, check what it has on it, and add any specific things that you like that you want to get their take on: many checklists skew M/f, so if you like cock rings or ball stretching or cross dressing, make sure they are on the list).

*The link downloads a zip file containing an editable version of the checklist I use.

2. Pick activities that are favourites for both of you

Review their checklist and take note of the type of things that you both like even if they’re not the focus of play. By that I mean things like nudity, wearing cuffs, kneeling, slave positions, kissing, nipple torture, arse play etc. You can use that information even if you aren’t specifically making the play about that. For example, if nipple torture is something that’s on both of your ‘yes please’ list then you know that it’s okay to give them a pinch if you are teasing, even if that’s not your focus this time.

Choose no more than 3 or 4 specific BDSM activities from the checklist as your focus. Pick activities that you both marked as your absolute favourites and choose only things that you actually know how to do and will feel confident and safe doing. They’re the main blocks of your play: You will plan your time together around these things.

3. Write a little erotic story for yourself that includes those things

This is where you visualise how you see the play going using those things. You’ve probably done this in your head plenty of times, but this time it has to be realistic and detailed (how do you start, what do you want them to wear, what is the mood like, how do you talk to them, what do you want from them, how do you ask for those things, how do you move from one activity to the next, how will you check in with them, how do you finish the session etc). If your story is not super hot-awesome-fun for you, start again. It should make you excited.

The story will have things in it that you didn’t list in the previous step because once you play it out in your head, you will think of things you want to do that you didn’t consider. Double check that everything in your story is on the ‘okay’ list. While the 3-4 focussed activities should be on both of your ‘absolute favourites’ list, not everything has to be on it. So if, say, crawling is listed as ‘yeah, that’s okay’ for them, then as long as the play isn’t all about crawling, include it if you want.

4. Make a playlist based on the story

From the little story make a list of things you want to do in the order you want to do them. This is not a script, but you can take the list into the playroom with you: it will act as a prompt if you need it. You may not need it, and you certainly don’t have to stick to it, but it’s a nice little backup if you get flustered.

Tease your submissive with things that are on the playlist: This both builds anticipation and also acts as a check that they are excited about those things.

If you have ANY doubt about their enthusiasm, actually give them a list of possible activities (NOT your actual playlist because that maps out how you want the play to go) and literally get them to say an enthusiastic ‘yes!’ to everything on it: less subtle, but works great to dispel doubts that you’re on the right track, and having consent up-front can ease your mind (it doesn’t nullify in-play change-of-mind, but you can go in without second guessing).

5. Fake it ’til you make it.

If you don’t feel confident, act it. In the lead up and during play behave in a way that supports that feeling. I don’t mean be some blustery-bluster chest beating cliche or pretend that you are all-knowing and all-powerful: that’s just lying.

I mean find your voice and your stride and practice projecting them even if you are a little tremulous inside.

Dress in a way that makes you feel sexy and powerful, make your environment to your liking, give your submissive some instructions on what to wear for you or on what to do beforehand (doesn’t have to be anything huge, just asserting yourself), do some self talk that affirms your own amazingness, revel in the fact that someone likes and trusts you enough to do this with you, believe your submissive when they give you ‘that’ look, when they say ‘those’ words: They already know you’re all that, you just have to believe it yourself, or at least, act as if you do until you realise it’s true.

6. Prepare yourself and your environment

Get everything ready and have it to hand so you don’t have to go searching for ‘stuff’ once you get started. Planning on restraining them? How? Put ropes around the bed, attach the clips already, so all you have to do is clip the cuffs in. Planning on teasing? Have lube ready. Put out the blindfold if you’re using one. Need wipes? A towel? Some custard? Have all of that within handy reach.

To stress this, I’m saying it again: Wear something that makes you feel ‘raawwwrrrr’ level of awesome. Doesn’t matter what it is. You want to go full uber-domly domdom? Do that. You want to wear sweat pants and a t-shirt? Great. Nude is your thing? Go for it.

5. Have a starting and ending ritual

Signal the start cleanly. One idea is to have them kneel in a position that is hot for you, and maybe have them affirm their submission to you by repeating some mantra, or inspect their body, comment on how pretty they are, give them hints of what you are going to have them do, whatever works for you. You don’t have to put on a stern voice or be anyone other than yourself. Do what feels right, sexy, hot to you. They will feed off that.

At the end, it can be useful to have a ritual that signals that you are done. Perhaps a reverse of the starting ritual. Take the opportunity to segue into whatever aftercare you have agreed on, perhaps have them kneel, take off cuffs, gently touch and comment on marks if there are any, some literal petting, telling them what a good boy/girl/pet they were for you, how well they did, how proud you are of them etc.

6. Use a blindfold

A blindfold is both hot and disorientating for them, and a confidence boost for you. If you are nervous, it hides those nerves very well and it’s nice to know that if you do get flustered they won’t see you faffing about or checking the playlist or fumbling with things while you figure out what to do next.

7. Take things slow

It builds tension and it allows you to build up your confidence. And don’t be afraid of silence or stillness, even if it’s because you’re not sure what to do next. As far as your submissive is concerned, it’s your choice to be silent or still, and usually that makes them really nervous wondering what you are up to, which is just hot.

8. If something isn’t working, stop doing it

Sometimes things just… don’t work. Doesn’t matter how experienced you are, the first time you play with someone, you just don’t know how they’re going to react to things. You can try and change it up a little bit to see if you can make it work, but if it’s starting to sap your confidence because it doesn’t feel great, don’t keep trying to beat a dead horse: move on. Your playlist can be helpful here.

9. Check in with your submissive often

As well as paying attention to their reactions, checking in with them ensures that you are both having a good time. I mean, sometimes you ARE sure because it’s bleeding obvious, and it’s easy. But until you know your partner and their reactions really well, better to check in too much than not enough. It doesn’t have to be mood-killing:

“You doing okay there, baby?”

“Do you want some more?”

“Tell me where you’re at: scale of 1-10.” [obviously work out the scale beforehand: pleasure, pain, etc]

“Tell me how many more you want/can take.”

“If you want more, beg me for it…”

I want to note here that most submissives want to please their dominant, so pay attention not just to what they say, but how they say it. Ask them several times if you want more of a chance to gauge what they mean, “Are you sure? Really sure? Then ask me for it” or something similar. A reluctant ‘yes I want some more’ is a no. Err on the side of caution, always. You can talk about it afterwards and re-calibrate for next time if you misread it.

10. Keep it short

Don’t try and create some huge performance out of it. When you get experienced and comfortable with yourself and with them, you may have play sessions that last for hours and hours, and that’s great. But for the first one, plan to keep it short so that you don’t feel like you’re under any pressure.

Let them know up-front that you are only giving them a taster, feeling them out. Better to end on an ‘aw, too soon’ high than have it peter out because you ran out of steam or ideas. Best outcome: It leaves you both (really really) wanting more.

___

Here’s an example of what first play might look like for me if I did the above (reader’s digest version, not ‘ooh, hot erotica!’ version).

BDSM Checklist items:

  • Context (all things that are good with him that I might use): Nudity, body inspection, collar/cuffs/leash, blindfold, kneeling, crawling, kissing, biting, nipple play, face sitting.
  • Activities (the focus of play): Being restrained, tease & denial, flogging.

Prep: Put ropes on the bed with clips. Put cuffs, collar, leash, blindfold, lube, flogger, crop on the table. Maybe some other things also for misdirection. Wear lacy lingerie under pretty summer dress, favourite heels.

Playlist (what I would take in as crib notes in case I needed them):

  • Strip, hands behind head, body inspection
  • Kneeling, cuffs, collar on
  • Crawling on leash to bedroom, wait in the corner
  • Blindfold
  • Attached face-up to the bed, crawl all over him, teasing, biting
  • Kissing, offering body parts to his mouth for kisses
  • Nipple play, check-in for intensity
  • Facesit tease, but no
  • Release clips, re-attach face down
  • Flogger, light to heavier, check-ins
  • Tell him to lift his arse, teasing
  • Let him feel my pussy
  • Decide if he gets to come (unlikely for first play) and/or if he gets to make me come (even less likely)
  • Release clips
  • Wind down: petting, whispering, kissing, cuddling
  • Have him kneel, take off collar, cuffs, pour out all the sweetness

___

Phew. I hope that’s helpful, gives you some ideas, a starting point at least.

And of course all of this is just my opinion, none of it is mandatory or sanctioned by some ‘Domly Board of How To Do Things’. It’s a springboard, and if you find any of it useful, that’s great.

In the end, do what feels right for you and your partner, make it hot and intense and awesome.

And most of all, have fun with it.

If any of my readers want to contribute other ideas for new dominants, please do. I know a lot of experienced folks read my blog: the more input the better.

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End of year roundup: Top five plus nude

As a proper blogger (shut up, I am!), I’m supposed to do some kind of summary, maybe some stats, deep thoughts for the year, some goals for next year, that sort of thing. Maybe even *gasp* GRAPH PORN!

But I’m spectacularly unmotivated to do any of that, so instead, here is a list of my most popular posts of 2016:

And since I’m much too lazy to do a proper roundup, let me leave you with this instead: A strap-on shot I quite liked from the set I took for my birthday nude. What more can you ask for? I mean, come on!

May you all have a wonderful, happy 2017 filled with love and light. And strap-ons. If that’s your thing.

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I am definitely 100%…

… wearing these shoes* over Christmas.

They don’t go with anything I own, they are hopelessly impractical, completely over-the-top for casual get-togethers, and I don’t care one bit.

I’m feeling stressed (already) with all the relentless peopling that is coming my way, bearing down like a freight train. Not just ‘peopling’, but ‘peopling while being endlessly cheerful’, which is the worst kind.

Wearing these will make me feel 85.6% more cheerful. Because MATHS.

*For the record, I intend to wear both of them, not just one…

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Reader Q&A: Dominant women struggle, turn-ons, limerence

 

In this exciting instalment of the Q&A, I answer questions about the following:

  • Getting my long term vanilla husband into BDSM
  • Young domme has shitty experiences and I get fist-wavey about it
  • Tasks?
  • Turned on by wife’s pre-marriage affair
  • Hot scene in Blade: unf!
  • Discipline: what do you do?
  • Limerence: how do you deal?

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it, though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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e[lust] #89

Welcome to Elust 89

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #90 Start with the rules, come back January 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

When the Tears Finally Came

The pure and simple truth

One Down

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Disabilities & Submission, Part 2: I Say No

UnRepentant Darkness

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Hoar Frost…

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Continue Reading

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Top 100 Sex Blogs 2016: Number 1!

Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2016

Holy hell!

The fabulous Molly from Molly’s Daily Kiss (with whom I did a really fun interview a while ago) does a gazillion hours of work to compile her annual Top 100 Sex Blogs list from those that readers nominate as their favourites.

And shock of shockers, I am in the top spot this year! The. Top. Spot!!!

*faints*

I’m so completely delighted and honoured. I feel like I should give a speech.

*clears throat*

I’d like to thank all of you, my amazing readers, for sticking with me, for reading and commenting, and for helping to create this positive little F/m corner of the internet with me. Without your presence, I’d just be writing into the void and it makes such a huge difference to me to know that there are ‘people like me’ out there. I think the ‘me too’s are what make us all feel a little less isolated, and even if you are silent, I see you.

I’m especially thankful for your support when I’ve evolved into that special breed of sex blogger who isn’t having any goddamn sex! Kind of feel like I’m here under false pretences to be honest.

BUT I’LL STILL TOTALLY TAKE IT!

After the jump is the full Top 100 list for your exploration and enjoyment. I’m sure you will recognise quite a few of your favourites (I mean, my American boyfriend, DualDrew, is at number 5 (so proud!)), and it’s such a great way to discover fabulous new blogs.

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Reader Q&A: Letting your guard down, being badmouthed

 

In this episode of ‘Ferns does Q&A’, we have the following:

  • How can I learn to let my guard down?
  • The elusive ‘good femdom porn’…
  • Play ideas?
  • Reader loveliness: thank you!
  • Being badmouthed by an ex
  • Sydney University!

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

___

Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it, though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

___

Full transcript after the jump…

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The cub

He is young and reckless. A gambolling curious and sensitive kitten. Also a clumsy puppy who wiggles and wags and runs headlong into the furniture. Despite his outward playfulness, inside he is wounded and fearful, but he can be coaxed out of hiding to roll over and present his soft underbelly over and again. Smart, articulate, and frighteningly perceptive, he bounced into my corner of the internet some three months ago with his devastating vulnerability and got all up in my face.

He is nowhere near me, of course, as is always the way, but he made Plans, capital P Plans, because I refused to go forward without them.

They fell apart, those plans.

He has broken my heart already. Not in a ‘sobbing on the floor’ kind of emotionally-stricken way. In an ‘I can’t with this’ kind of way, with lies that make me suspicious of everything he has ever told me, or tells me, or will ever tell me. Once you discover that there are lies, everything you think you know becomes suspect.

In amongst all the mistrust, though, there is a small piece untouched: I trust his heart. Which sounds ridiculous really, but it is raw and open and damaged and he lays it at my feet like a sacrifice.

“It’s yours,” he says, full of intensity and love.

It is unfair, so unfair, that he should do that. That he should betray my trust and then put me in a position where his vulnerability is mine to do with as I please.

After the anger and the sadness and the realisation that it wasn’t going to happen, after I raged at him, at myself, at the stupidity, I found myself worried for him. For HIS hurt. For HIS pain. I mean What. The. Everloving. Fuck?!!

And I’ve wanted to write about it, but I’ve been stuck with what to write and how to write it.

I don’t know what to do with this, if I’m honest.

We talked in the aftermath of his potential-killing lies, though my instinct was to cut him loose. And if anyone had asked me what I would do if someone lied to me, I’d say “I’d cut him off, WTF sort of question is that?!”

I felt something with him that I haven’t felt in a long long time, I reached for it, I really wanted it. And if I think about how it played out, I get angry all over again that he fucked it up. HE FUCKED IT UP. It makes me so mad.

*sigh*

So now we are in this strange place. I told him that I was done, that it wasn’t happening, that he’d irrevocably broken the potential. He understands.

And still, against my better judgement, I like him, I mean, I really LIKE him. I am tender and protective towards him, have a level of care that colours everything, I want him to be whole, healed, happy. I feel that connection, you know the one… the one I never feel? Yeah, that. And I kind of hate myself for it. How can I have the feels for someone I don’t trust? I didn’t even know it was possible. Last time a potential submissive lied to me, I cut him off so fast his head must have spun. This time… the anger dissipated quickly, disappointment was left behind, the connection not intact, but still there.

Not knowing what to do exactly but unwilling to let him go in the face of his stunning imperfections, I have brought him inside a fragile bubble with me. Inside the bubble the world is light and full of rainbows and pretty colours, unicorns and fairies. Inside the bubble, we talk all day, we have occasional phone calls, we flirt, we joke, we exchange ideas, we talk about anything and everything, I share much with him, we pretend everything is beautiful. We are growing an intimacy built on affection and denial.

Outside of the bubble is an apocalyptic world, dark and toxic, thunder and electric flashes split the sky, the air is clouded with poisonous gas, everything is bleak, stained and broken. Every time I peek out to see if it’s cleared some, I feel it thick with ugliness, and I step back inside and pretend I never looked.

He still holds out a little glimmer of hope. I see it shining sometimes, all optimistic and catching the light. Inside the bubble, I can pretend I see it also in those sweet moments, as long as I don’t set foot outside.

It is unhealthy, it is not the best thing, not for me, and certainly not for him. I will step back out into the dating world again, sooner or later, when I have the energy and the will. And with nowhere to take this, we will eventually be set adrift. I know he won’t deal well with it, he knows it too, and still he reaches for more even though he knows that more will make it worse.

I feel like I should end this before I have to stab us both in the heart. Even as I write that it strikes me again that it’s so very odd that I am the protector here even though I was the one who was betrayed and am, by all definitions, the injured party. I don’t really know how that happened.

He runs at it, though, the heartbreak he knows is coming. Even if I stab him in the heart, he will fall and remain there at my feet, a flash of hurt, a spike of anger, and then he will swear that he is fine, no really, he’s fine. He will take whatever I offer for as long as I offer it and maybe even after that. A grown man can make his own choices, of course, it is patronising to think otherwise. But he is still only a cub, and I feel like I should protect him. I am doing a rubbish job of it.

In the meantime, inside the bubble, I put him to bed every night with petting and sweetness, I call him ‘my lovely’, and he rests easy there, curled up against the curve of my neck, all sleepy-warm and purring. And I wake to his bouncy enthusiasm every morning, and every morning it makes me smile.

I don’t know what I’m doing here. But now you know where I have been.

“And I wanted it, I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah, let’s be clear, I’ll trust no one”

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