Some of these have questions been languishing in my inbox for a while (sorry about that, lovely question-askers). I keep saying that I love getting ‘asks’ (I do!), but then I hoard them like a little treasure trove in my inbox. I have that dilemma of deciding when the ‘asks’ become weighty enough for a blog post, and then I forget to keep track of how many there are.
I should just stop thinking that I can respond in a timely manner!
Regardless of timeliness (or not!), here we go…
Can one ever have to many books? A friend of mine noticed your book sitting out and immediately asked “are you into that BDSM stuff”? I couldn’t find the words ..so I just said ” sure”. Do you think that was cowardly?
Firstly, thank you for buying my book (and the hard copy no less…!)!!! Happies! *smile*
“Can one ever have to many books?”
No, one can never have too many books. For me, I love my kindle, and have many MANY as-yet-unread books on it, but they do not have the same resonance and gravitas for me as real paper books that have heft and weight and smell.
“I couldn’t find the words ..so I just said ” sure”. Do you think that was cowardly?”
‘Sure’ is most assuredly a word, and not a cowardly one.
But even if you had shrugged and changed the subject or said “That’s none of your business” or any other thing, I would not think it cowardly. We are under no obligation to share our personal and private lives with anyone. If you choose to do so, then I think that’s great. If you choose not to, then that’s perfectly okay also.
I think ‘Sure’ was a truthful and forthright response. Good for you!
“On Punishment“: Relationships rest on a foundation of respect,reciprocity, cooperation, and compromise.Psychology is a dark twisted path, rank with the smell of desire, fear, and capitulation. Because we are cocoons, physicality becomes the battlefield upon which these forces collide.
Here’s my point: punishment must be physical. Authority can not survive defiance or dereliction; it devolves into coercion or dormancy. When punishment does not implicitly reestablish the disparity in power between the parties, it tears the threads that bind. Retribution, expiation, equilibrium. When forcing your sub to perform pointlessly repetitive tasks, have you repaired the rupture? the reciprocity?.
Why eschew physical punishments when they are replete with psychological opportunity to rip away the scales that protect, and to know what lies beneath? And if D/s is ultimately the possession of one body by another, why not command that body to sweat, and wiggle, and betray its secrets?
Why? Because it doesn’t work for me.
I partially explained it in the post you mentioned:
I don’t use anything that gives him my energy and attention, and I don’t use anything that creates a bunch of work for me. Those sorts of things are not ‘punishment’ to me.
For me inflicting pain is about intimacy and lust and desire and affection and love, and that’s something special that we share. When we have had an incident where something has gone awry and we are dealing with it, I don’t feel any of those things, so I have zero interest in interacting with him in such an intimate way, or in giving him my energy and attention. Add to that the fact that I don’t want to mix up ‘what we do for fun and pleasure’ with ‘penance for wrongdoing’.
And yes, what I do works for me and mine: That’s why I do it.
You obviously have a strong attachment to corporal punishment, and that’s great if it works for you and yours. It doesn’t for me. That’s about compatibility. There is no ‘should’ about it.
First I’d like to say that your blog has been an eye opener for me. When I first ventured into D/s as a new Domme I got scared and a bit put off. When I found your blog it gave me hope. ‘Yes, a Domme with feelings and insecurities like any other person!’. A lot of your posts have helped me express and explain how I feel to new dates (and subs). Also explain to them what they can expect from me and a person and Domme.
So thank you for that.
What I wanted to ask was how you dealt with humilion play when you first started?
I’ve noticed that a lot of submissive men ask for this or enjoy this. While I have fantasized about this I can’t seem to perform when neccecary and get “stage fright”. I choke and feel uncomfortable doing this.
How did you cross that bridge when you first started?
Thank you for everything.
A fellow Dutchie newbie Domme.
Hello there fellow Dutchie *smile*,
Thank you so much for the lovely compliment. I completely understand how off putting so much of the content around femdom is and I’m really glad that you felt some kinship when you found me. That makes me happy!
Erotic humiliation is a very personal thing, and it’s really not my thing, but I think I have a decent understanding of it as a form of emotional masochism. The primary images we get of it as ham-fisted name calling (worthless pig!, small-cocked loser!) is the equivalent of portraying sadomasochism as being about smashing someone in the head with a hammer. At its best, humiliation play is tailored specifically to hit his buttons and it’s often nuanced.
Firstly, don’t do things you are uncomfortable with just because a submissive wants it. If it’s not your thing, it’s not, and that’s about compatibility. However you do say that you fantasise about it, so maybe it *is* your thing and it’s just about building up confidence (completely understandable). I’ll say that I think being unsure about it is is good and healthy because it can cause a lot of unintended damage if you run at it without care.
There are a million ways to humiliate someone, and you have to really get to know the person well to find the right buttons. That means lots of talking, and flirting around with it to tease out how it works for him. My last had a thing about being a slutty boy, and also about being obliterated, being a ‘thing’ not worthy of care or consideration, a tool for my use.
When I went there with my last, I pictured gently probing around in his brain with a sharp stick, and watching very carefully what happened when I pushed a little. The wrong spot would invoke no reaction, or a puzzled kind of sting. If I hit the right spot, I could SEE it in his reaction, a blushing, aroused terribleness. Super hot.
I never yelled or called him typical ‘humiliation-porn’ names. It was more of a gentle mocking tone where I would nudge him into his head space and I could carefully see where he was in it. With him it was a kind of “If it wasn’t for your mouth, I could replace you with a sex toy” kind of thing.
If I thought I was getting it wrong, I could very easily withdraw or redirect. Like any kind of pain, he could take MORE of it when he was turned on, but even then I had to be careful because the aftermath could be ongoing hurt if I hit it too hard, or got it wrong, and he could carry the emotional badness around for a long long time afterwards.
Midori does some classes on erotic humiliation that are very highly regarded, and her book has a chapter on it (I haven’t read it). Also google ‘erotic humiliation’ for resources. Might be worth a look.
Best of luck!
There are more in my inbox, but this post is now really long! More to come. I promise!
Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…
It’s Saturday. It’s sunny, but there is a howling wind outside. Two kitesurfers are braving it, I see their kites top out over the trees every few minutes: They are motoring. Brave.
I tried to sleep in after early mornings for the last two weeks, but failed. Awake early, up by 7.45. I’m on my third load of washing, summer sarongs are flapping wildly on the line on my back deck. The fact that I am washing sarongs makes me happy. The heat of summer is coming.
I’m making nachos and drinking champagne because… Saturday.
I finished 2 weeks of ‘intro to crossfit’ on Friday. Six classes at 6.30am or 6.30pm. Neither do me any favours, but I mostly went for the morning ones to get them out of the way. I hated it but I often hate things that are good for me. My body was sore and stressed, but I was super careful about injury, so all good there. Apart from one woman, I am the oldest there by a dinosaur amount. To my credit, I am not the least fit person there though (I should hope not given the work I’ve been doing).
I beat my day 1 time for 400m run + 30 situps, pushups, ring pulls, squats and 10 burpees by about 90 seconds (about 8.5 minutes if you want to know, though I should note that I don’t ‘run’ because I am completely paranoid about hurting my ankles and knees and also Harold (long story), so, yeah). Progress is how they suck you in.
Me: Gives solid advice
Them: But I don’t know what to doooooooo… :(
Me: Yeah, my fucks have run out now
I made like a crafty thing and created two dresses out of some fabric and thread like magic. I haven’t sewed in about a gazillion years, so the first took me a day, the second about 3 1/2 hours. If you aren’t following me on twitter (why aren’t you following me on twitter?!), you can see them here and here.
On the D/s front: no dates, no prospects. It is rather bleak out there in the world (not least because I have removed my profiles from CM and OKCupid because I could feel myself getting jaded and if I can’t be open-hearted, it feels like a tediously hard slog). Feel free to come and sweep me off my feet, mmkay?
I’m thinking of trying for a post a day through November in solidarity with my friend, the talented Submissive Guy Comics (he’s asking for ideas, go give him some!): also a tribute to NaNo which I ‘won’ a few years ago, but it never really produced anything I want to resurrect. A post a day! Eek! I will note for the record that the content will be utterly trivial rubbish (“So what else is new, Ferns?!” SHADDUP!!)!
This is going to sound kind of stupid, but do you have any kissing tips? I feel like I don’t know how to kiss properly lol
Aw bless you anon: It’s not stupid and it’s really difficult to answer.
Not least because kissing is all about compatibility: someone who is a great kisser for one person might be a terrible match for another person. Not everyone likes the same kind of kissing.
Don’t be afraid to tell your partner that you are shy, nervous, not experienced, invite them to guide you to kiss them how they like to be kissed.
I KNOW THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU ASKED FOR!
Okay, some kissing tips that work for me:
- Don’t go straight into an open mouthed tongue-kiss like some hungry maw opening up the jaws of death and shoving a snake down there
- You are tasting something, someone, delicious, take your time, no rushing
- *Feel* every touch, pay attention to how your partner’s breath feels against your skin, how soft their lips are, how lovely it is just to be that close
- Touch their face or neck when you kiss, bring them close
- Start with slow, soft, gentle exploratory kisses, keep your lips soft, let them cling to your partner’s lips when you kiss
- Pay attention to their reactions: if it seems they like something, do more of that
- Use your tongue to *taste* them, start slowly, maybe the tip of your tongue to lick just inside their mouth
- Touch their tongue with yours when they offer it, but don’t tackle it, lick, move on
- Take notice of how they are responding and match them so that you are in it together and in synch
- Vary the pressure, kiss harder, then draw back a little to see if they will reach for you
- Build up to full-mouthed hot-tongued passionate kissing: it’s still kissing, but closer to devouring them, like their mouth is some kind of candy that you want to take a bite of, but can only mouth, lick, suck at
- Ease off to breath, swallow, or otherwise regroup
- If you feel like moaning, whimpering, gasping or otherwise making noises into their mouth, do it. Hot.
I hope that helps.
I went flyboarding a few weeks ago.
“A flyboard is a type of water jetpack… A flyboard rider stands on a board connected by a long hose to a watercraft. Water is forced under pressure to a pair of boots with jet nozzles underneath which provide thrust for the rider to fly up to 15 metres in the air or to dive headlong through the water.” – Wikipedia
And when they say ‘dive headlong through the water’, they really mean ‘crash inelegantly while screaming’.
It looks like I’m doing something fancy in these fabulous action shots, but both of them were taken seconds before the aforementioned inelegant crashing…
Femdom stereotypes are rife, and they get perpetuated by both sides of the slash. It’s really frustrating to see the same thing come up over and over.
Her: I’m supposed to be a cold hard bitch
Him: You’re supposed to be a cold hard bitch
Her: ~has a bad day, cries, needs cuddles~ Oh noes, I’m not a real dom!
Him: Wow, you’re weak. You’re not a real dom!
Rinse and repeat.
It’s the curse of inexperience and fantasy and it’s so very common. And often it will take several goes at failed relationships where this expectation over-rides humanity to realise that it’s really stupid and destructive.
The result of those failures for many women is a confidence blow that has them believing that they aren’t ‘a real dom’ and they leave any idea of D/s behind them because that’s not who they are.
But it’s not who ANY of us are. It’s the realm of pros and fantasies and porn and play and every media depiction of femdom ever.
I find it horribly depressing.
Being dominant means different things to different people. For me it’s ‘I run the relationship and he follows’. That means when I’m having a shitty day and want to cry, he gives me hugs and cuddles because that’s what I want. And also because he loves me and wants me to feel better. It’s not about me hiding who I am because I’m not ‘supposed’ to be a real human being.
Reverse the above. It’s just as true for submissives.
When we were together long ago, in the distant past, he believed that I had betrayed him.
Not just ‘betrayed’, but ‘BETRAYED’ in all caps with a bright neon red, sharp and harsh, and so ugly it can barely be looked at head-on.
That betrayal impacted him deeply, coloured all of his relationships since me with a murky grey cloak of fear and self protection. Years of it.
He got over it, of course, put it behind him, carried on. Lived and loved and worked at avoiding the potential for that sort of hurt ever again. That meant putting away some pieces of himself, and keeping away from women like me.
I knew none of this. Not an inkling.
After our relationship ended, our separate lives went on, we lost touch.
Recently he contacted me. We talked.
Between that post and this one, he brought up the betrayal: the pain, the bitterness, the anger, even hatred that my betrayal had caused him as a young man. There was no blame in it. He laid it out as a mature man looking back at his history and laying some of it at my feet, to shed light on it. Although it seemed like an ancient artefact, the remnants of all of those awful feelings were clear: Ragged, chewed up, spat out, hardly recognisable, but still being afforded breath there in the back of his mind. Or somewhere in his heart. Wherever these harsh experiences of life continue to live long after they are past.
The thing is: the betrayal never happened.
It was a misunderstanding, an unfortunate happenstance, easily cleared up in a single email. I wrote that email immediately in reply, banging it out in a kind of head-spun disbelief that he had believed such a thing to be true.
Both of us reeling that this lie had festered as a truth in his mind for years. His shock to discover that this thing that had caused him such terrible pain had never actually existed. My shock that he had carried such a hurtful untruth around with him for so many years and I never knew.
The truth came out easily, but unravelling the consequences has been a little more complex. I have been almost morbidly curious to understand the impact of learning the truth for him: it is a kind of rewriting of history because of the way it coloured his view of me, of the relationship, of his place in it. I can’t imagine it, really, and I think he has handled it with much more grace and maturity than I would have.
He has shared snippets of where it has taken him, glimpses which I find fascinating and for which I am grateful. He sees a kind of rueful humour in it, skipped past the what-ifs, and moved on to a sense of relief at being able to let those tattered negativities go into the ether. It is closure of the kind you hear about.
As for me, I have apologised profusely for his hurt, but what I am *really* apologising for is the fact that I created a relationship where my young submissive didn’t feel safe enough to come to me at the time and ask “What’s this?” so that the misunderstanding could have been avoided in the first place.
For that, I’m deeply sorry.
I’m going to pre-emptively ask commenters to please not play the ‘blame game’ here. I expect my regular readers wouldn’t dream of going there, but I’ve seen too much of it lately and I want to give fair warning that I won’t hear a word of it.
Thank you so much to everyone who entered.
Expect a copy of the book to arrive in your inbox shortly.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.