Come and have a seat and let me tell you what’s going on with me…
NOTHING IS GOING ON WITH ME!!!
So I’m going to hark back to some random things that I left hanging.
What happened to balloon guy?
He replied to my email quite politely, and it was clear that he was in fact skilled in cleaning (he ran some sort of office maintenance company), but the tone of his email was off-putting to me. Even though it was polite enough, it was clear to me that he really wasn’t interested in engaging with me, so he answered my questions in the most cursory manner possible with a kind of “Look, I’m answering your questions, so how ’bout it then?” impatience. There was no hint of a conversational tone that might have led me to feel comfortable with the idea of inviting him to my house. He also mentioned that the last woman he had done housework for pissed on him, which did nothing to allay my fear that he had expectations that I wasn’t interested in meeting.
It was a long-shot, frankly. I thanked him for his response and told him I’d think about it and let him know if I was interested. He emailed me again about a week later to see if I’d made up my mind, and while I was considering my response to that, his profile disappeared.
Is the second kissing date with holy fuck beautiful eyes that you mentioned still happening?
Yes, yes it is. I misunderstood when he was back in the country, so got prematurely excited about it.
He wants conversation, he wants me to unleash hell on him, he wants ALL THE THINGS! But the fact that I have avoided talking to him means I really don’t know him and despite his newly expressed interest in BDSM and submission, I’m not comfortable with more intense play than we have dabbled in already.
So it will be a kissing date with the same rules as the first kissing date. I’m willing to make a concession for a little Q&A since I am curious about his trip and his writing, but it will be mostly kissing and all the good things that go with it. We both know what to expect from each other this time so I think it will be even better than last time.
It’s scheduled for mid September, but you know, shit happens, so we will see.
How’s your book doing?
It’s going pretty well given I haven’t done any marketing (I need an experienced ebook marketing minion, apply within: ferns AT domme-chronicles DOT com!)
And by ‘pretty well’, I mean that it has some absolutely wonderful reviews, I get some astoundingly lovely emails about it, and I’m selling more than zero.
It’s currently #127,607 in Kindle’s paid store (I have no idea what that means, but look, there must be millions of books in the Kindle store, right? So I’m going to consider that a total win!).
How’s the body project going?
I’ve been struggling for a little while to be honest. At some point I realised that unless I want to get SUPER SRS (I don’t), I’m not going to get closer to what I want.
What I really wanted was lean muscle that was visible when I was relaxed, but the truth is that I’d have to work much harder (at my peak, I was going to the gym 6 days a week) and eat specifically (I was already eating really clean and hitting protein targets) to achieve that goal, and I wasn’t prepared to do any more than I had been.
Letting go of that goal kind of caused me to fall into a big hole of ‘now what?’
So I’ve been in maintenance mode for quite a while (and while I say ‘maintenance’, it does mean I’ve slipped some): Pilates twice a week and gym ‘when I feel like it’. I’ve been on holidays, had my birthday, and gave myself permission to slack off for a while. I realised that going to the gym for ‘maintenance’ wasn’t going to work.
At the moment, I’m trying to replace gym workouts with the high ropes course (it’s a full body workout, and challenging, but the mental challenge means that the physical is compromised) and indoor rock climbing (again, a great workout). If I can do each of those once a week and Pilates (still) twice a week, I figure I should see some strength improvements.
The issue is that the high ropes course relies on good weather and the rock climbing relies on a partner being available. It’s hard to get into a routine if I’m reliant on external factors. So I’m still working it out.
Yes, fine, but what about femdom stuff? Dating? Prospects? Huh huh huh?
Seriously, I’ve got nothin’ *sigh*. It’s been so long since I’ve talked to someone who I got really excited about that I think I’ve forgotten what it feels like. I removed photos from both CollarSpace and OKCupid because I was starting to feel irritated over even perfectly nice emails that just bored me to tears.
I’m tempted to put up a more vanilla ad on OKC to see if casting a wider net might work better. I mean my amazing ex is vanilla (well, a vanilla submissive) and we were happy together for many years, so who knows right? Eh, I probably won’t. But I might :P.
So, what’s goin’ on with you?
There comes a pivotal point in getting to know someone where I decide to say something serious, to unpeel a layer, to reveal something of myself.
It usually comes some time past where we have shared silly, flirty emails and the normal ‘getting to know you’ stuff, it comes at a point where I feel safe enough to let them have a little peek inside.
I know it sounds a little strange for someone who shares so much in public spaces to talk about letting someone have ‘a little peek inside’, but I’m sure you can imagine that for all I share here, even the raw emotional stuff, I keep a hell of a lot to myself. I am not emotionally fearless or open, I have so many walls I sometimes can’t imagine how anyone will ever get through them.
So I take tiny little steps, and the first one is a measure of him: how he reacts is either going to draw me out, or shut me down. And each time, if I get this far, I am wishing, fervently, that he will hear me, SEE me, and respond in a way that makes me feel safe to share more.
When he doesn’t, when his response makes it clear that he doesn’t ‘get it’ (or me), I quietly close the door that I have cracked open and often won’t try again. I go back to the frivolous emails we were sharing before, and if I am honest, I’m not even sure if he knows that it’s happened because on the surface, nothing has changed. But *I* have changed.
If our correspondence continues, I MIGHT try again… twice, maybe even three times, but each time the door is harder to open, it gets heavier, and soon enough it won’t open at all any more.
There is no blame in it, it’s no-one’s fault, but there is some melancholy for a connection that I had hoped might be made there.
“Did you know that you are the most beautiful thing I have ever touched?”
I see so much beauty in the submissive men I get close to, in the men with whom I share a connection, the ones who give me what I want in a way that resonates. I am always floored by it, it is poetical and vast in its immensity. Like some grand revelation. I struggle to write about this without sounding ridiculous, cheesy. I want to wave my hands about, point out to the natural wonders in the world and say “You know, like THAT!” It is inexplicable and mind boggling.
And when I see it, feel it, I often say it out loud, in awe and wonder.
“You are so beautiful.”
In that moment, he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, ever been lucky enough to touch. I am awed and humbled by my proximity to this beauty, and when he looks at me and sees himself reflected back, it’s like a physical, tangible thing. It has weight and heft and some indefinable power.
And I know how it sounds, really, when the words come out tinged with wonder, as if I have never seen him before. Strange, odd, perhaps an exaggerated untruth, or words that I just say without reason. But it’s not. Ever.
I don’t ask how they receive it, we never talk about it. Sometimes I can see a response: amusement, shock, shyness, puzzlement, happiness, acceptance, or some other fleeting reaction flying across his face. Then the moment passes, we move on.
If I’m honest, the response doesn’t matter, I just need to say the truth out loud. I hope they believe me.
I trawled OKCupid for men I felt moved to contact last week. I do that from time to time and I send a message if they look interesting.
There wasn’t a single profile that motivated me to send a note. Not one. Not even a ‘you aren’t a match for me but great profile/funny comment/cute photos’ kind of note.
I’m sure I’m not alone in having this experience. It’s one of the reasons I rarely actively look. I find it not just frustrating, but kind of depressing.
In the meantime, holy fuck beautiful eyes is back in the country next week. We hadn’t been in touch since our exchange about his interest in submission, but a quick back-and-forth shows there is still mutual curiosity and interest in getting together to see what’s what.
He wants conversation, but I’m still convinced that we are fundamentally incompatible and that no good can come of it. I suggested another kissing date before chitter chatter bursts the little bubble we’ve managed to keep relatively intact. I really don’t want to miss out on the chance to get more kissing from him. Kissing first. Talking later.
This was such a great question it gets its very own post (also I rambled on way too long…).
Your kinda like my idol (:
Im a beginner and I was thinking about when I am ready to pursue a relationship with a submissive should I choose someone who is new too? I feel like my potential partner should be able to grow with me.
*smile* That’s such a lovely compliment, thank you! I will have to do my best to live up to idol-worthiness!
I do understand why you ask that question. I think there are valid reasons to go either way.
With experienced submissives, it can be a little intimidating if you are new. I mean if he’s ‘been there, done that’ you might worry about what you have to offer, or you might compare yourself to his last dominant, or have feelings of insecurity (all are perfectly understandable reactions).
With inexperienced submissives, there is always the risk that you will invest and then he will decide he didn’t want it after all (a lot of experienced dominants won’t touch newbies because they have been burnt by this too many times, but if you are new and it happens, I’ve no doubt your first thought would be ‘I’m crap at this, that’s why he left’).
But in the end, *especially* if you are looking for a romantic relationship, I’d suggest you forget about ‘new or not’ and concentrate on ‘like him a lot or not’.
Personally I don’t think experience is relevant (unless experienced-guy is an arsehole who tries to use his experience to bamboozle and manipulate you, though all things being equal that’s really not a lot worse than inexperienced-arsehole-guy who tries to use his inexperience to undermine your confidence by pretending he didn’t know what he was doing. In short: arseholes be arseholes!).
My first real D/s relationship was with a boy who was more experienced than me. He taught me a lot (both in technical skills and in the relationship) and I loved being able to learn things in a safe environment with someone I trusted. We DID grow together because as a couple, *we* were new and exploring each other and how this particular entity that was our relationship would work. Even though I was new, I had a pretty good idea what I wanted my relationship to look like and as an experienced submissive, he knew that it would work better if he let me take the reigns.
I think the *idea* of dominating someone with more experience can be intimidating, but if you really like each other and you both WANT this relationship, having someone who knows himself as a submissive and who has navigated a D/s relationship before can be a godsend. His experience is a tool that you can use, and if he’s a good fit for you, he will learn very quickly how to offer up his knowledge and experience in a way that works for you. And that can be completely wonderful. Think of it like any other skill he has that he puts at your disposal for you to use as you see fit.
TL;DR: If you find someone you really like, don’t use experience as a deal breaker.
Best of luck finding him!
Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…
I know the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is all over the internet, but perhaps we can do better.
I just found this: an Australian movie called ‘My Mistress‘.
What starts as a beautiful and strangely innocent affair between a vulnerable teenage romantic and a French S&M mistress soon becomes more dangerous.
It’s a long hot summer for Charlie Boyd. He’s sixteen, his hormones are raging and he’s just found out his mother is having an affair with his father’s best friend. One thing takes his mind off his problems, the mysterious woman down the street who has visitors day and night, and has just advertised for a gardener. But she is forgotten when a tragic family event tumbles Charlie into a world of pain, a pain so intense Charlie thinks no-one can help him. He’s wrong. Someone can. Maggie, the beautiful French stranger. She’s a professional, and she specialises in pain. Giving it, exploring it, sharing it, all for money. So Charlie falls in love, and despite herself so does she, drawn to this troubled boy who takes all the pain she can give and uses it to heal himself. And as Charlie heals, he turns that healing back onto her, his Mistress.
I really hope it’s not all terribly damaged one dimensional people in dysfunctional relationships (it seems a bit like that to me) but to say I’m intrigued would be an understatement.
It premières here in mid August. I’m so very curious about it!