“…is there some “playacting” there with the de riguer props (whips and crops, bindings and gags, collar and leash) and the formalized play of rituals; the sub speaking only when spoken to or given permission, lowering of his eyes and made to kneel, bowing down…?”
I think I understand what you are getting at, but ‘play acting’ rubs me up the wrong way. Are vanilla people ‘play acting’ when they dress up in sexy lingerie or when they talk dirty or rub up all over their partner? Or are they just expressing aspects of their sexuality?
It’s not really an on/off situation either. We have an entire spectrum of human emotions and activities to play with and most of us run the gamut.
Interestingly, I had a similar conversation with a lovely newbie submissive I met in LA. He was asking whether BDSM ‘stuff’ was ‘role play’ (same gist as ‘play acting’). At some point (after many drinks and lots of talk), I could *feel* our dynamic even though he was not a potential for me, it was just ‘there’. I demonstrated snapping my fingers, pointing to the floor beside where I was sitting and saying ‘Kneel’, and I asked him if he thought it would feel like role play if I did that. I could tell that he was shocked by his own reaction, he would’ve done it in a heartbeat, he *wanted* to do it even though I was just demonstrating. BOOM: Light bulb.
I wasn’t ‘acting the dominant’ nor was his desire to do what I told him about ‘acting the submissive’. I was showing him what it looked like when I asserted control, and his intrinsic desire was to submit to it. The fact that I was [demonstrating] telling him to do something that had the trappings of BDSM (vs, say, telling him to do a soft shoe shuffle) put that request into a sexual context.
When there’s some D/s dynamic between you, the props and the rituals are not ‘the thing’. They simply provide a way to express what you feel or they are tools to get what you want or symbols to reinforce what you have.
I will say that there IS an aspect of theatricality to it. I can put on ‘bitch domme’ as well as anyone, and obviously that’s not how I walk around it the world (nor do vanilla women walk around as ‘sexy vixen’), but if I put her on, she is less ‘a costume’ and more ‘an externalisation of a part of me that exists’. I’m essentially letting her off the leash vs ‘pretending to be her’.
I do think that there are plenty of people for whom BDSM is mostly about role playing, and there’s nothing wrong with that: It’s fun and awesome. But for me it doesn’t work that way.
For me, when it’s BDSM in a D/s context, it’s an expression of love and affection that celebrates our respective places in our dynamic, and I don’t ‘play act’ love and affection. Of course I don’t.
Thank you so much to everyone who voted and commented on my femdom novella idea.
The results were very encouraging:
So, I guess this means I need to write a thing now… ooh look, shiny!!
I’ve set up a mailing list for anyone who is interested in being involved in my writing process and to keep me accountable. That way I will keep it (mostly) off the blog.
I will NOT spam you or share your email with anyone else. EVER.
If you sign up, you’ll get updates letting you know how I’m going. You’ll get free previews of various parts of the novella as I write them, probably some general whining, and I will doubtless ask for volunteers to be beta readers or to do reviews at various stages.
I’m new to mailing lists, so you can also expect some embarrassing mistakes (half written messages, accidental nudes :P) for which I apologise in advance.
Edited to add: If you have ANY issues signing up, you can try this link instead. And if it still doesn’t work (trust me, it’s me and not you!), leave me a comment (include your email address: it doesn’t display) and I will add you manually and keep my fingers crossed.
Ruby Ryder wrote a post about how a spate of potential partners she had been talking to suddenly stopped communicating with her and essentially disappeared.
If you’ve been following along here, you’ll know that it happened to me with the sex-voiced Texan not so long ago. The sex-voiced Texan was the first to do this at a stage where I was invested to the point of talking about travelling internationally to meet him, so it hit me pretty hard. There have been other times (in fact I tweeted about one earlier today who turned back up in my inbox), but ‘where we were at’ in those instances was a lot less concrete.
On the one hand the disappearing thing is baffling and smacks of cowardice, but on the other, there is a point before which no-one owes anyone anything, so ceasing contact without any declaration is then perfectly fine. And the line between them is blurry and completely subjective. And I might well be a hypocrite here.
There is a point after which ‘disappearing’ is unacceptable to me, but I can’t honestly define exactly where that point is. And of course, that point is different for everyone which can make things very messy indeed.
For me, if we have made it clear that we are absolutely in this conversation to see if there is something worth pursuing together, and the conversation is past the initial exchanges, then our intentions and expectations are solid, and just disappearing instead of saying ‘sorry, this isn’t working for me’ is unacceptable.
If, however, we are having a conversation without any stated intent (even if there might be potential there) or we’ve exchanged only a few emails and the conversation falters, I feel no obligation (and in fact would think it was weird) for either side to state that they aren’t interested in continuing and are opting out.
The difference is in intent and expectations. And of course they may not match up.
If I’m becoming invested in someone, I will ask them to not just disappear so that they are well aware that it will hurt my feelings if they do. If they choose to do it anyway, I’m 100% clear that they just didn’t give a fuck about my feelings. Knowing that is very helpful. But the unspoken point where I will find it rude and hurtful is somewhere before that.
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite because I will often just cease communication with someone I’m not interested in, but I only do it if our communication never really ‘got off the ground’, if it’s still in email, if the conversation is stilted and struggling. But I subjectively make a judgement about that, and I have no real way of knowing what the other person is thinking. Frankly, I figure if it’s not working for me, it can’t possibly be working for them either. And if they reach out again and I see that they had different expectations, THEN I will call it, and not just ignore them. Because I’m not an arsehole.
While there is ambiguity in all of this, there’s one thing that is clear to me: If you stop communicating with someone and they come back with ‘hey, what’s going on?’ and you ignore them, then you are probably* being an arsehole.
*I had to put ‘probably’ in there because some people are completely delusional about what your obligation to them is, so I want to be clear that I’m talking about mutually pleasant exchanges here, not ‘victim of scary stalker’ type exchanges.
Eiren is a young dominant woman who is married to her submissive, Berkson. I’m privileged to share their happy femdom story here: It’s a tale of D/s love that started in Second Life, led to an interstate move, and then to marriage. They had a few rocky years at the start, but there’s a real ‘happy ever after’ in it like you read about *smile*. Enjoy.
Author: Eiren (transcribed by Berkson)
We met on a game called Second Life, something that I’ve been playing for around 10 years now.
I was a virtual escort, well, I guess I can say I kind of still am… I login to play with some of my older and more loyal clients still, which, if you’re curious on how that works, Second Life has it’s own economy and currency (called Lindens) which can be earned through the game, or sold and bought for other currencies at the going exchange rate, that is used to purchase goods and objects on Second Life. It’s kind of like the Sims, only better.
So… years ago when I started playing, I was actually working my way through college and needed the money really badly. I learned really quickly that I had the gift of gab, and men were willing to pay me to essentially talk or type dirty at them and there was a large market for men that wanted to get off to a dirty hot avatar who wouldn’t complain about their fantasies and had no limits. It was a really easy way for me to make money.
Anyways, I’m going to tell you about how I met him:
I had a mutual friend with my ex in this game who co-owned a full-prim sim, called a region. If you don’t know a whole lot about Second Life, you’re not missing much, but to be short a sim was a place where you could visit and do various things, like shop, place objects, or build… among other things. Owners generally shared land or rented it out because of the huge monthly costs, around $500USD a month at the time.
Well, through our friend, my ex was actually given a piece of this land, called a parcel. She teleported me over to her, and was telling me all about how the owners, one being my friend, of the region were giving out free parcels and asking me if I wanted any inside of a private message, and I was thinking… Nah. At that point in time I had like four parcels already, with stuff all over them. I didn’t really need a new one.
And so, in general chat, I casually said something along the lines of: “No thanks, I already have my hands in a lot of cookie jars.” Well, the proprietor of the sim, Berkson, was sitting up there because he had been teleported in to meet me and my ex by our friend.
He didn’t really take it the right way. He took it as I was trying to put my hand in HIS cookie jar.
To me, I felt like I was being judged by this rando and was imagining him thinking something like: “You filthy, filthy whore, how dare you, how dar– you’re so gross. Gross. You just want my money, I can’t believe you, gross, yuck, ew.” and he didn’t want anything else to do with me.
Needless to say, we instantly hated each other.
How our relationship developed
So he left pretty soon after that to go somewhere else on his region just to get away from me.
Over the next month or two, I kept coming to the region… not only because it was a pretty cool place, but that was where my ex was, and another person I had met over there, and on my down time when I wasn’t virtually making “teh sex” with people: That’s where I was. They had a nice shopping mall, movie system, and Berkson had actually made it a pretty chill place just for people to hang out and come together at.
Well, over the next two months, he was very snippet with me. He never told me what the issue was, but he just didn’t like me, I even remember him showing off his “house” with my ex, who teleported me in, showing off how he had this or that, which felt like he was kind of throwing his money around, but the funny thing about it was that he was trying to make himself feel important.
Being who I was, and what I looked like in the game compared to him, he was nothing. He looked awful. He just looked like damnit. If I was filet mignon, he was ground hamburger. So, you know, he was showing me this and that, and I piped up and was like: “Let’s go look at what I’ve got!”
So I’d teleport them all to my houses and be like: “Aaaand… this is what you SHOULD have.”
To be fair, I was kind of being a dick on my own, but I just felt so attacked by him. I was so used to people absolutely fawning over me, and this dude just didn’t give a shit about it. He didn’t try to message me as an escort, he didn’t try to be friends with me, he just was caught up in his own little world and his region… and in a weird way, he was kind of showboating for me, and at that point I don’t think either of us realized it.
Neither one of us really understood “the lifestyle” that we live now, you know… writing erotica for guys online is not the same thing as applying it in real life and it’s obviously not the same thing as trying to train somebody in Second Life, either. You know, it’s completely different from game to real life and from real life to game, and the disconnect in between is so huge to two people who had no real concept of power-exchange.
Well, over the next two months we kind of butted heads every time we met on the region. You know, he was just kind of aggravated with me but wasn’t the kind of person to ban or kick people off of this place he had made for everyone, and I was just like “ugh, what a douche” and… eventually, somehow we got on the same subject of World of Warcraft and well, he played both the high end PVP and PVE end games and PVP wasn’t something I was interested in, I was interested in PVE… and we started to kind of bond over the fact that we had played PVE at such a ridiculously high level at a point in our lives.
Once we had that kind of initial connect, it was easier for us to transition into friends and that’s what it became. We kind of tolerated each other for a while, then: “Oh!” it clicked, “Maybe You’re not as big of a douche” for me and “Maybe you’re not as big of a whore” for him “…as I thought you were.”
And we connected. Over time, over the next month (this is ‘time’ in Second Life), I actually decided to take him on as my sub in game. We weren’t dating at the time, we were kind of just feeling things out, and he had a lot of time on his hands and I was going through college and had a lot of time on my hands, and we were both just so very lonely… I had just gotten though a very hard time in my life with my ex, and just having somebody who was nice to me and did not want anything from me besides my company, meant the world to me at that time.
I had been so abused at this point that any kind of attention was better than nothing, and so even before taking him on even when he was being kind of a douche, I was still happy to have some kind of non-negative interaction. So it took another, maybe, two months for him and I to spend some actual, serious alone time together… and as the time went on, we started spending time on Skype together. And we would actually spend all day long when he was home on Skype together… and we would actually leave Skype on at night and he would call me Mistress in game and we would spend all of our time together, and you know, when I made money I started wanting to make money for the both of us, and we started to rebuild the entire region… and it was something that we did together that was so magical, so rewarding for me… I felt that I had a friend. I felt that he was more than a friend, that I had found my best friend… and, we were together for a long time in game and actually got “married” in game after we met.
It didn’t take long, probably the better part of a year, where he decided he was going to come visit me. Well, I lived alone, and I was disabled… so it was very hard to let someone come into my life, not knowing the kind of struggles that I had… and he was just, well, phenomenal.
He accepted me for who I was, he accepted who I am, he accepted me with ALL of my flaws… and it’s still crazy to me, to this day, to have somebody come into my life and for me to put all of my baggage on the table and say “Here’s what I have” and for him to pick it up and say “I’ll help you carry this”, but I appreciated that more than anything else in the world. I appreciated for him to say, Hey… I’ll help bear this load for you, I can tell that you can’t do it alone… and he really WAS my best friend at that point in time.
We met up, and it was magical, it was 12 days and I’ll never forget it… we spent most of our time in bed, and I don’t mean sexually, I mean like cuddling, canoodling, laying on each other and holding each other and rubbing each other, talking… we played endless hours of monopoly, by the way he’s a big fat cheater and he can’t tell me otherwise because he wins EVERY SINGLE GAME, bastard, but we spent hours just watching movies and snuggling and it was something that I just… had never, ever experienced. I guess that if you just find that one person that you click with, that one person that just fits that hole in your heart, your whole world changes.
He was with me for only 12 days and, when he went home, both of us just knew this was it. This was IT. We needed to be together. So, it took 3 months for him to save enough money to actually move in with me, so, once we moved in together we had kind of decided some things, that we had talked about being in a power-exchange relationship, but to be completely and totally honest with you, neither one of us knew what that meant. I mean, I had a tiny bit of background in kink, and he had Second Life kink, and we both kind of expected that this was the way things would be, and it would be an easy transition and that was NOT what happened at all.
It did not happen that way, it was bad. I was very naive, and he was very naive, and expectations were not the same on both ends and it was hard. Our relationship was difficult for many years because he wasn’t really able to be my submissive, he had to be my caretaker, my provider, for the better part of our relationship because of how sick I really was, and we were just absolutely incapable of having the kind of power-exchange relationship that we have now, even though both of us deeply craved it, I needed him more as my protector and caregiver and to make hard decisions that I just couldn’t make more then I needed him to be my pet, my submissive, my slave… whatever you like to call it.
So, over the span of the last six years, it’s just been very, very hard for us. Now we are finally where we want to be, and exploring the type of lifestyle that we’ve been dreaming we could live together, and learning more about each other, and… for me, it’s so rewarding seeing him literally at my feet, and know that he trusts me, and seeing him besides me as we walk and knowing that, man, this is what we should have been the whole time but couldn’t.
I think we had to walk through that fire before we could have this relationship, our relationship, that we really wanted to have. And, you know, we’re still growing, we’re still changing, we’re still finding each other, we’re still building our bonds tighter and stronger so they can’t be broken, and you know that means more to me than anything.
I edited this story for brevity: there’s more! You can listen to Eiren telling the full story here (she has a really sweet voice!), and you can read the full transcript here on Eiren and Berkson’s blog.
This post is part of an ongoing project to share happy, positive femdom relationship stories. If you have a story and are willing to share it, please email it to me (ferns AT domme-chronicles DOT com).
I’ve really been wanting to write more, and one of my ideas is a semi-autobiographical little femdom novella.
Semi-autobiographical because I have no imagination.
Little because long form narratives really aren’t my strength.
Femdom because ‘duh’.
I have settled on fleshing out a relationship from my younger days.
As a newbie dominant, I dated a beautiful younger submissive man who was a steel artist. He used to create his art in a kind of foundry with huge machines that would heat and shape steel, and men with hammers would pound away at them in a fug of noise and sweat. As a team they created, among other things, community sculptures of the kind you see when you wander around major cities. As an individual he created complex abstract pieces that made you furrow your brow as you tried to decipher what they meant. He was talented and intense and difficult.
So a story then, about trying to find love as a new Domme. It starts around her frustration with not meeting anyone, through finding him, first meeting, what dating looked like, how the dynamic developed, how they played, grew, the challenges they faced, how they related as the relationship progressed. All of this from the perspective of a newbie Domme, a real, well rounded woman who is both unsure and hellishly arrogant in her dominance.
It would be a femdom story with play and sex, but with more depth of character than the glimpses we see in pure erotica.
My question to you, dear readers (as a poll so you don’t have to leave a comment):