The intimacy of tenderness, the aggressive exploration, the vulnerability of violence.
Doesn’t seem like too much to ask, does it?
I wonder if my sex life would have been (be) radically different if I felt safe trying to get little snippets of what I want from casual partners, men I don’t know.
The safety aspect I mean here is not just about potential violence or sexual assault (though those are top-of-mind, of course), but about being able to have casual encounters play out in a way that works for me. Expecting that of a stranger is a big call, especially when it’s unconventional. Expecting him not to question it or angle for more in the moment is also a big call.
I’ve said many times that I’m not interested in casual encounters, either for sex or for BDSM. And a big part of that is because it leaves me cold and empty and sad in the aftermath. But another part of it is that I can’t trust casual partners to let me run things the way I want, so it feels like I’d be inviting a whole bunch of ‘I can’t be fucked with this’ into my life if I went down that road.
Maybe it was partly because it was completely outside of the normal paradigm (it wasn’t sex, it wasn’t BDSM, it was ‘other’).
I got to choose exactly what I wanted the encounter to look like, and he let me have my way without any attempt to influence how it would go either before or during. That’s incredibly rare.
It was, by all measures, an incredibly risky thing to do, for both of us. I went to a stranger’s house at night, never having met him. He left his house unlocked so I could get in, and waited, vulnerable, in his bed.
So on pretty much every level, I got lucky with him.
If I could feel safe to have those kinds of casual experiences where I got to strictly set the rules of ‘how it would go’, I’m pretty sure I would do it.
“Hello, I think you’re really pretty. How does this weird not-sex not-BDSM casual encounter sound to you?”
I think most quality men with a lick of sense would run a mile from an offer like that from some woman they don’t know (regardless of the claims of the masses), and rightly so. The one other time I tried this ‘here’s what I want’ approach where I wanted to get a(n attractive, appealing) man in a room for a simple flogging, it was a bust.
Even if I remove the spectre of physical safety concerns on both sides, MOST men will want to negotiate for what *they* want (again, rightly so) and will not just say ‘sure, that weird completely one-sided scenario sounds good’, so I’ll end up with some (perfectly reasonable) compromise that doesn’t at all look like anything I’m interested in.
And when I think about it like that and consider the other side, I’m actually asking for a big chunk of trust and submission from someone who I don’t even know. Hmmm.
I don’t know how I went from ‘I’d do casual if I felt safe’ to ‘huh, I guess that’s pretty unreasonable’, but I’m leaving it. Welcome to the inside of my head.
Here are the results of our bicep guessing game.
- Only one person publicly got them all 100% right in the comments (yay you, Berkson)!
Well, technically, Thumper also got 100% right in the comments, but I know that he *actually* only got 7 right (because he said so). I assume he did the quiz, then accidentally transcribed the correct ANSWERS shown at the end into his comment.
- Only one (Anonymous) person who did the quiz got them 100% right. I can’t parse out any more detailed stats (like ‘how many guessed what’ from the quiz-doers. Boo!).
Results (thank you to the fabulous friend who wrote a little script to pull out these numbers so I didn’t have to!):
- berkson – with 12 correct matches (100% right!).
- Violenttadpole – with 10 correct matches.
- thumper – with 7 correct matches.
- Steel Snaked Charmer – with 6 correct matches.
- Alexa – with 6 correct matches.
- Canine Thing That the ‘Mericans Call Ham – with 6 correct matches.
- Steeled Snake – with 4 correct matches.
- Tom Allen – with 2 correct matches.
- SGCFit – with 2 correct matches.
And here is ‘whose bicep was guessed correctly’ from the public guesses:
- SGCfit – identified correctly by 8 others.
- Andy – identified correctly by 6 others.
- Steeled Snake – identified correctly by 6 others.
- Dual Drew – identified correctly by 6 others.
- Coffee Cat – identified correctly by 6 others.
- Tom Allen – identified correctly by 5 others.
- Steel Charmer – identified correctly by 5 others.
- Alexa Brune – identified correctly by 5 others.
- Ferns – identified correctly by 4 others.
- Violenttadpole – identified correctly by 4 others.
- thumper – identified correctly by 3 others.
- Berkson – identified correctly by 3 others.
I’m really surprised more people didn’t identify mine given I ego-posted various versions of my bicep all over the place. For the record, my First (who saw me sort-of work out a bit in person for real) didn’t guess mine correctly either.
And here we are all reunited with our respective biceps.
Fun *smile*! Thanks to those who joined in.
Not on me, though that would be handy because I’m a delicate flower and always have bruises of some sort. You know the kind: those ones that appear in odd places and you have no idea how they got there. The ones where you run into something and think ‘Wow, that’s gonna bruise later’, but later when you find it, you have no recollection of what you did to deserve it.
Not that kind.
I like the ones that I leave on him.
The marks of time spent trying to get through his skin so I can touch him from the inside.
The ones that form under welts or redness or maybe they bloom almost immediately rushing blood to the surface in protest.
The ones that stay behind when his body recoils, but his mind is floating and he doesn’t even feel it any more.
The ones that say ‘too much’ but they are never enough. For either of us.
The ones that I know you will admire later, twisting in a mirror to glory in the memory of how they got there.
The ones that you will secretly press with fingertips amidst innocents and wince and smile and then press a little harder.
The ones that rainbow from dark purple to blue to green to yellow until, sadly, they become skin coloured again.
The ones that feel like loss when they leave your body.
I really like them a lot.
We have each submitted a bicep picture (on the right below) and I’ve put our twitter names on the left. Of course the object is to match them up (A-3 for example).
It’s a fun bit of silliness that obviously works better if you know a little about us (I’m sure many of you will recognise the names of some very talented sex bloggers here if you want to do a bit of detective work: Tom Allen, Thumper, Dual Drew, SGCFit (SubmissiveGuyComics), Andy, Steeled Snake …). Or you can, of course, go and look at our respective twitter feeds to learn a little more about us.
At the very least, surely you can all pick mine? Or not… :P.
You can either have a go with this neat online drag-n-drop matching quiz (just click the ‘Start Quiz’ button below) or just put your thoughts in the comments if you want to go old school!
[Sorry, quiz closed]
For the #fwocrew specifically, by all means do the quiz if you want, but please ALSO put your answers in the comments so we can all see each other’s guesses!
Answers will be revealed in a few days and if I can parse out some stats from the quiz, I’ll show you that also.
No prizes. Unless you include bragging rights and smugness. Which you totally should.
These questions came in from some lovely readers via my Ask Me page. I do love that you ask me things, thank you for them!
In case you sent one in and don’t see it here, no this is NOT all of them… the post got really long, so I saved some for later.
So let’s goooo…
I recently came across your first book while researching for a speech I’m giving on BDSM; though it ended up being a bit too *ahem* in-depth for the speech, on note, I thoroughly enjoyed it! (Enough that I’m here now, and I’m loving the blog as well!)
Anyway, I just recently began my foray into BDSM, and I think I’ve found a part of me that’s been missing for a long time. The only problem is…I’m super tentative (almost to the point of paranoia) online, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to find someone who will play with me where I live. I’m submissive, but I’m genderfluid, so I have this innate fear that dommes will reject me just because of that. (Though maybe that’s just my self-esteem talking.)
Do you have any advice on meeting people around me? Or maybe how to approach dommes knowing that I’m a little different than what they might be used to? (Now that I’ve bored you with my life story…)
Thank you so much for being a great resource!
I’m so glad you enjoyed my book, and the blog *smile*. I can well imagine that the book might have been a little *ahem* in-depth for a speech *laugh*. I am REALLY curious what that speech consisted of though.
I think being tentative is normal, though obviously if it slips into paralysing fear that’s something else.
There are plenty of Dommes who love genderfluid submissives, and/or who are genderfluid themselves.
Having said that, I think it would be disingenuous to say that no-one will reject you because of it: Of course some will. Just as people reject others because they are too tall, short, poly, mono, bisexual, straight etc etc.
I think online is a *safe* way to make forays into the community because if people are active in public spaces, you can check out their preferences and views well before you interact with them, so you can protect yourself much better.
My advice: Join Fetlife, find your local-ish groups. Make friends first (vs ‘finding a Domme’). Find your comfort zone with non-stressful forays into friendly discussions with people who can relate to being genderfluid, to being submissive, to liking computer games, to whatever else you might have in common with folks. Then as you build your support group, stretch out a bit further. No rush. Take your time.
Best of luck.
I’m a long time reader, lurker more often than not. I identify as a dominant woman however I do not have much real world experience as it is difficult to find a man that I click with (I take solace in knowing that it’s not just me). However, a problem I’ve had more often recently is dominant identifying men telling me that I have more sub in me than I’m willing to admit. How do you deal with those sorts of situations assuming that you’ve also been in them.
Thank you! Sorry if you’ve already answered this question before though I don’t remember reading anything about it and I’ve read almost every one of your posts.
Oh gosh no, it’s not just you who has trouble finding a submissive man with whom you click: we are legion! *smile*
I’ve not really dealt with the problem with dominant men before, but I do know it’s relatively common because lots of dominant women seem to strike it.
IF I did run into it, I’d say something like “You’re wrong, and I’d appreciate it if you dropped it: My sexuality is NOT up for discussion.”
Then if he says “But but…” (and you know at least some of them will), just walk away. If it’s online, block, delete. Done.
I’m new to the caning/flogging world and perhaps you can answer a practical question for me. I’m wondering what the quietest instrument or method of caning or flogging is. I mean what type, design or material allows a quiet but very effective caning/flogging. I have the best girl in the world and I don’t compromise her dignity by allowing anyone in neighboring apartments to hear too much. After all, I’d have to beat them up if they ever made any snide remark to her, and I’m sure that the Nancy Mitford book of etiquette and manners frowned upon assaulting neighbours.
Can you solve this social conundrum?
I think a lot of us struggle with noise issues.
If you are after impact play, canes are best: Small surface area = no hitty noises. Evil sticks also.
Readers might have some other ideas.
Also I’m sure your neighbours appreciate your consideration, and your reluctance to beat them up *smile*.
Thank you for writing your wonderful blog. I really enjoy reading about the D/s dynamic and the emotions behind it. It’s very refreshing and helpful. It’s also great to be able to ask questions to a more experienced domme, so thanks for giving us this opportunity.
I have been in a loving long distance relationship for two years (flying over monthly or more) and we have gradually brought out each other’s dominant and submissive sides. Now we know I am his domme and he wants nothing more than to submit to me completely.
It’s an exciting time for us because he’s moving to my country to come live with me. When we live together, I want to experiment more with dominance outside of the bedroom, which seems like a logical step since he is my pet and we’ll finally have enough privacy to do this. I’m excited but also a little worried about how our dynamic will spill into our everyday lives. Do you have any advice on how to start with this and what problems to avoid? And could you give me some advice on how to keep your sub’s attention on you while you’re out with his friends?
I’m so pleased you’re getting something out of my writing, thank you!
Congratulations on your LDR turning into a live-in arrangement: very exciting!
I think if you are moving out of the bedroom with your D/s, the main question is ‘what do you (both) want out of the relationship? How do you want it to look?’
I suggest you each take some time and write out ‘a day in the life’, ‘a week’, ‘a month’. Not a fantasy wish-list. For real. Including going to work, doing chores, paying bills, seeing family etc. What does it look like? How do you relate? What does it feel like? Who does what? Be specific.
Then come together and see how close your visions are of your new life, and talk it all through with the aim of ending up with a shared vision. Then out of that come up with a set of actionable activities to help you get there.
Pick one or two of the activities that you can bring into the dynamic outside of the bedroom. Start small. See how it goes. Be consistent and patient: habits take 3 weeks to break or to ingrain. Check in often. And if something doesn’t work for your relationship, don’t be afraid to dump it. When you have the first couple sorted, pick the next one or two. And so on. And don’t be afraid to revise your vision, your set of activities, all that, if you need to.
I think the main problem people strike in transitioning out of the bedroom is to place the entire responsibility of the relationship on the dominant while the submissive becomes a passive recipient of all that work. It’s surprisingly common. And of course it doesn’t work for very long.
Mostly it manifests as dominants asking for help because their submissive is bored/distracted/disobedient/whatever other negative thing and they want ‘new ideas’ for things to ‘do’ to him to keep him interested, to turn him on, to keep him in line etc, and this really only happens if the starting premise is that it’s solely the dominant’s job to keep the D/s dynamic active and running, and that’s simply not sustainable.
It’s not your job as the dominant to be a trick pony, the entertainer, to keep him turned on, to micromanage stuff, to be on his case about chores, to come up with all the ideas, to plan, organise and manage everything to do with your life and relationship (well, unless you really want to, in which case all power to you!). You are in the relationship together, should want the same things, and should both be prepared to work for it *together*. If your submissive doesn’t see their role as equal contributor to the dynamic and to the relationship, it will become exhausting for you, and you will burn out very quickly.
Re the question about keeping your sub’s attention on you while out with his friends, I’m not sure what you mean by that. Unless he’s being an inconsiderate arsehole (ignoring you completely, dismissing you, shutting you out of conversations etc), you don’t need to keep his attention, do you? Surely you’re there to spend time with his friends, so they will get a pretty big share of his attention.
If there’s something in particular you WANT while out with his friends, then agree it beforehand. For example, I like my submissive to ask if I want another drink when my glass is empty (or just to fill it if it’s water), so that means he has to *notice* when that happens, which obviously requires some of his attention. If this doesn’t happen naturally, I’d make the agreement with him, and then have a signal to draw his attention to it if he hasn’t noticed (maybe I touch his elbow, and that’s his reminder).
Good luck to you both with your new adventure!
Okay my gorgeous friend I have a question. As a member of your Ferns Workout Crew I know how hard you have worked on improving your body. (Before you say that you haven’t really worked that hard remember I watch your workout logs). I also know that you like beautiful men who like to look good for you.
So my question, or rather questions I guess, to you is has your dedication to your body project influenced how you view potential partners? For instance, since you have toned more do you think you are now more selective on the physical attributes of potential partners? Would you prefer a potential who is into being fit as much as you (has their dedication to being fit became like a compatibility thing now)? Basically, how has your desire to have the fit body you want tie into your personal life, if at all?
*laugh* I would NEVER say I haven’t worked that hard. I mean I whine a lot: that’s obviously evidence of hard work, right?!
And no, nothing has changed for me in what I’m looking for in a partner.
I LOVE the pretties, I’m not going to pretend I don’t, but that’s NOT what’s going to hook me into a relationship: never has been, never will be. It’s a bonus if it’s there, but it’s never going to be a defining characteristic.
I HAVE to be wildly attracted to any man I’m involved with, but attraction is NOT ‘physical beauty': it’s much more complicated than that. And when it works, that boy will be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen regardless of what he looks like. So yeah, ‘wildly attracted’ is the requirement.
As for compatibility, lifestyle stuff, it would be pretty great if my partner ate really well (loved to cook healthy meals! *swoon*), and went to the gym because that would make it easier for me, and it might be fun to do that together. Is it a consideration in a partner? Nope. Not one bit.
I’d be remiss not to add here that before I started working out, I had submissives work on their physical appearance for me (I could be politically correct and say ‘work on their fitness’, but that’s misleading: Their improved fitness was a happy side effect of what I wanted from them). I see no reason why I wouldn’t do that again: it would certainly be easier to manage now (and would probably seem more ‘reasonable’) because I’m doing it myself.
Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so it’s all secret squirrel business…