posted by on NaNoWriMo

My wonderfully talented friend SubmissiveGuyComics and I are embarking on a mission during the month of November. We’re calling it National Blog Writing Month (NaBloWriMo) as a nod to National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) in which I participated a few years ago.

What does that mean for you?

We are both going to be posting once a day on our blogs for the entire month. I will be writing and SubmissiveGuy will be drawing, and you, dear readers, will get the benefit of a veritable glut of beauteous D/s content.

SGC has solicited content ideas from his readers, and if I can I will try to write along the same theme, but I’m not so great at writing to prompts, so we will see how that goes. I’m going to try very hard to make the content femdom themed at least (I know! Shocker!! :P).

SGC has started off by creating this fabulous symbol for our efforts *sigh*. So talented. I can’t wait to see what else he comes up with over the month.


NaBloRrrrawrMo by SubmissiveGuyComics


As an aside, if you wanted to submit a question on my Ask Me page, now’s the time since I might be scrabbling around for things to write about *laugh*.

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posted by on body project, exercise

In the fine tradition of having ZERO femdom or sex content on a femdom sex blog, here’s another post with no femdom and no sex…

I mentioned that I had gone to two weeks of ‘intro to crossfit’ classes. Those 6 sessions were about teaching the moves and proper form and getting used to the format. So there was talk, practice, and then getting in a 10-15 minute workout.

If you don’t know what crossfit is, it’s a particular kind of ‘old school’ workout regime with basic moves and equipment like the kind you might have done before high tech gym equipment was invented. The promo videos all show uber fit ‘raawwrrr’ people with muscle-abs-game grunting through impossible moves instead of actually showing what it’s like, but this one is the closest I could find (thank god my gym doesn’t put people’s names and timings up on a board: if they did that, I would never go back).

It relies on constantly varied, high-intensity, functional movement and mixes up cardio and weights for really intense, short burst combinations, and that mix is my kryptonite. One or the other: okay. Combine them and I’m toast.

This is my first week of ‘proper’ crossfit: I have attended two sessions and man, it’s brutal.

To show you what I’m doing, this was today’s WOD (Workout Of the Day – they love their acronyms!):

Short run
Walking lunges
Air squats
Some other things I can’t remember, but on Monday there were handstands in there. Aw hell no!

(the numbers all mean something about reps and timing, but other than % being % of max load, I forget what. We did a bunch anyway :P)
Clean and jerk 1/3 75% 2/2 80%, 1/2 , 85%

Metcon (Metabolic Conditioning)
Timed (I have no idea of timings)
Run 1km (I rowed because… knees!)
4 rounds of the following:
7 hang power clean & push press
14 kettleball swings
21 wall balls

On paper it looks kind of okay. But it’s not. Really really not. It was not *quite* ‘I’m going to throw up and then pass out’ brutal, but it’s in that realm. More of an ‘I have nothing left and I can’t breathe DON’T FUCKING COME NEAR ME!!’ kind of brutal.

So how’s it going? I hate it: I hate going there at a specified time, I hate the group thing, I hate being bad at it, I hate being bad at it *in* a group, I hate that it makes me feel weak, I hate having to make nice with people, I hate *everything about it*. And on top of all of that (or more accurately, *because* of all of that), I find the whole thing really stressful before I even get there.

But it’s also *really* good for me. I’m bad at pushing myself. I know this. I will think ‘Nope, I’m done’ and if there isn’t someone to say ‘You aren’t: just do 5 more’, I will just stop. With someone standing there and giving me a push, I’m all ‘Fuck you, I’ll do TEN MORE, BITCH!’ But I can’t get there on my own. Stupid brain.

On the plus side a fabulously gorgeous androgynous looking woman and a very fit looking Japanese man helped me put my gear away since I was obviously incapable of functioning after the session.

I have a month’s membership. This is week one. I will absolutely do the full month, three times a week, but crossfit is stupidly expensive here, so I won’t be doing it long term (ask me again if I magically find myself with a six pack after a month. Heh).

In the meantime, you can expect lots of whining about it on twitter…

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posted by on song

I can rule your world ’cause baby I am the Queen
Aphrodite couldn’t hold a candle to me…

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Come whisper in my ear...

posted by on advice, advice for Dommes, QnA

Some of these have questions been languishing in my inbox for a while (sorry about that, lovely question-askers). I keep saying that I love getting ‘asks’ (I do!), but then I hoard them like a little treasure trove in my inbox. I have that dilemma of deciding when the ‘asks’ become weighty enough for a blog post, and then I forget to keep track of how many there are.

I should just stop thinking that I can respond in a timely manner!

Regardless of timeliness (or not!), here we go…


Dear Ferns,

Can one ever have to many books? A friend of mine noticed your book sitting out and immediately asked “are you into that BDSM stuff”? I couldn’t find the words I just said ” sure”. Do you think that was cowardly?

Hello there,

Firstly, thank you for buying my book (and the hard copy no less…!)!!! Happies! *smile*

“Can one ever have to many books?”

No, one can never have too many books. For me, I love my kindle, and have many MANY as-yet-unread books on it, but they do not have the same resonance and gravitas for me as real paper books that have heft and weight and smell.

“I couldn’t find the words I just said ” sure”. Do you think that was cowardly?”

‘Sure’ is most assuredly a word, and not a cowardly one.

But even if you had shrugged and changed the subject or said “That’s none of your business” or any other thing, I would not think it cowardly. We are under no obligation to share our personal and private lives with anyone. If you choose to do so, then I think that’s great. If you choose not to, then that’s perfectly okay also.

I think ‘Sure’ was a truthful and forthright response. Good for you!



On Punishment“: Relationships rest on a foundation of respect,reciprocity, cooperation, and compromise.Psychology is a dark twisted path, rank with the smell of desire, fear, and capitulation. Because we are cocoons, physicality becomes the battlefield upon which these forces collide.

Here’s my point: punishment must be physical. Authority can not survive defiance or dereliction; it devolves into coercion or dormancy. When punishment does not implicitly reestablish the disparity in power between the parties, it tears the threads that bind. Retribution, expiation, equilibrium. When forcing your sub to perform pointlessly repetitive tasks, have you repaired the rupture? the reciprocity?.

Why eschew physical punishments when they are replete with psychological opportunity to rip away the scales that protect, and to know what lies beneath? And if D/s is ultimately the possession of one body by another, why not command that body to sweat, and wiggle, and betray its secrets?

Hello there,

Why? Because it doesn’t work for me.

I partially explained it in the post you mentioned:

I don’t use anything that gives him my energy and attention, and I don’t use anything that creates a bunch of work for me. Those sorts of things are not ‘punishment’ to me.

For me inflicting pain is about intimacy and lust and desire and affection and love, and that’s something special that we share. When we have had an incident where something has gone awry and we are dealing with it, I don’t feel any of those things, so I have zero interest in interacting with him in such an intimate way, or in giving him my energy and attention. Add to that the fact that I don’t want to mix up ‘what we do for fun and pleasure’ with ‘penance for wrongdoing’.

And yes, what I do works for me and mine: That’s why I do it.

You obviously have a strong attachment to corporal punishment, and that’s great if it works for you and yours. It doesn’t for me. That’s about compatibility. There is no ‘should’ about it.



Hello Fern,

First I’d like to say that your blog has been an eye opener for me. When I first ventured into D/s as a new Domme I got scared and a bit put off. When I found your blog it gave me hope. ‘Yes, a Domme with feelings and insecurities like any other person!’. A lot of your posts have helped me express and explain how I feel to new dates (and subs). Also explain to them what they can expect from me and a person and Domme.
So thank you for that.

What I wanted to ask was how you dealt with humilion play when you first started?
I’ve noticed that a lot of submissive men ask for this or enjoy this. While I have fantasized about this I can’t seem to perform when neccecary and get “stage fright”. I choke and feel uncomfortable doing this.
How did you cross that bridge when you first started?

Thank you for everything.


A fellow Dutchie newbie Domme.

Hello there fellow Dutchie *smile*,

Thank you so much for the lovely compliment. I completely understand how off putting so much of the content around femdom is and I’m really glad that you felt some kinship when you found me. That makes me happy!

Erotic humiliation is a very personal thing, and it’s really not my thing, but I think I have a decent understanding of it as a form of emotional masochism. The primary images we get of it as ham-fisted name calling (worthless pig!, small-cocked loser!) is the equivalent of portraying sadomasochism as being about smashing someone in the head with a hammer. At its best, humiliation play is tailored specifically to hit his buttons and it’s often nuanced.

Firstly, don’t do things you are uncomfortable with just because a submissive wants it. If it’s not your thing, it’s not, and that’s about compatibility. However you do say that you fantasise about it, so maybe it *is* your thing and it’s just about building up confidence (completely understandable). I’ll say that I think being unsure about it is is good and healthy because it can cause a lot of unintended damage if you run at it without care.

There are a million ways to humiliate someone, and you have to really get to know the person well to find the right buttons. That means lots of talking, and flirting around with it to tease out how it works for him. My last had a thing about being a slutty boy, and also about being obliterated, being a ‘thing’ not worthy of care or consideration, a tool for my use.

When I went there with my last, I pictured gently probing around in his brain with a sharp stick, and watching very carefully what happened when I pushed a little. The wrong spot would invoke no reaction, or a puzzled kind of sting. If I hit the right spot, I could SEE it in his reaction, a blushing, aroused terribleness. Super hot.

I never yelled or called him typical ‘humiliation-porn’ names. It was more of a gentle mocking tone where I would nudge him into his head space and I could carefully see where he was in it. With him it was a kind of “If it wasn’t for your mouth, I could replace you with a sex toy” kind of thing.

If I thought I was getting it wrong, I could very easily withdraw or redirect. Like any kind of pain, he could take MORE of it when he was turned on, but even then I had to be careful because the aftermath could be ongoing hurt if I hit it too hard, or got it wrong, and he could carry the emotional badness around for a long long time afterwards.

Midori does some classes on erotic humiliation that are very highly regarded, and her book has a chapter on it (I haven’t read it). Also google ‘erotic humiliation’ for resources. Might be worth a look.

Best of luck!



There are more in my inbox, but this post is now really long! More to come. I promise!

Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Blah blahblah


posted by on randomness

It’s Saturday. It’s sunny, but there is a howling wind outside. Two kitesurfers are braving it, I see their kites top out over the trees every few minutes: They are motoring. Brave.


I tried to sleep in after early mornings for the last two weeks, but failed. Awake early, up by 7.45. I’m on my third load of washing, summer sarongs are flapping wildly on the line on my back deck. The fact that I am washing sarongs makes me happy. The heat of summer is coming.


I’m making nachos and drinking champagne because… Saturday.


I finished 2 weeks of ‘intro to crossfit’ on Friday. Six classes at 6.30am or 6.30pm. Neither do me any favours, but I mostly went for the morning ones to get them out of the way. I hated it but I often hate things that are good for me. My body was sore and stressed, but I was super careful about injury, so all good there. Apart from one woman, I am the oldest there by a dinosaur amount. To my credit, I am not the least fit person there though (I should hope not given the work I’ve been doing).

I beat my day 1 time for 400m run + 30 situps, pushups, ring pulls, squats and 10 burpees by about 90 seconds (about 8.5 minutes if you want to know, though I should note that I don’t ‘run’ because I am completely paranoid about hurting my ankles and knees and also Harold (long story), so, yeah). Progress is how they suck you in.


Me: Gives solid advice
Them: But I don’t know what to doooooooo… :(
Me: Yeah, my fucks have run out now


I made like a crafty thing and created two dresses out of some fabric and thread like magic. I haven’t sewed in about a gazillion years, so the first took me a day, the second about 3 1/2 hours. If you aren’t following me on twitter (why aren’t you following me on twitter?!), you can see them here and here.


On the D/s front: no dates, no prospects. It is rather bleak out there in the world (not least because I have removed my profiles from CM and OKCupid because I could feel myself getting jaded and if I can’t be open-hearted, it feels like a tediously hard slog). Feel free to come and sweep me off my feet, mmkay?


I’m thinking of trying for a post a day through November in solidarity with my friend, the talented Submissive Guy Comics (he’s asking for ideas, go give him some!): also a tribute to NaNo which I ‘won’ a few years ago, but it never really produced anything I want to resurrect. A post a day! Eek! I will note for the record that the content will be utterly trivial rubbish (“So what else is new, Ferns?!” SHADDUP!!)!

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How to kiss


posted by on advice, kissing, QnA

This is going to sound kind of stupid, but do you have any kissing tips? I feel like I don’t know how to kiss properly lol

Aw bless you anon: It’s not stupid and it’s really difficult to answer.

Not least because kissing is all about compatibility: someone who is a great kisser for one person might be a terrible match for another person. Not everyone likes the same kind of kissing.

Don’t be afraid to tell your partner that you are shy, nervous, not experienced, invite them to guide you to kiss them how they like to be kissed.


Okay, some kissing tips that work for me:

  • Don’t go straight into an open mouthed tongue-kiss like some hungry maw opening up the jaws of death and shoving a snake down there
  • You are tasting something, someone, delicious, take your time, no rushing
  • *Feel* every touch, pay attention to how your partner’s breath feels against your skin, how soft their lips are, how lovely it is just to be that close
  • Touch their face or neck when you kiss, bring them close
  • Start with slow, soft, gentle exploratory kisses, keep your lips soft, let them cling to your partner’s lips when you kiss
  • Pay attention to their reactions: if it seems they like something, do more of that
  • Use your tongue to *taste* them, start slowly, maybe the tip of your tongue to lick just inside their mouth
  • Touch their tongue with yours when they offer it, but don’t tackle it, lick, move on
  • Take notice of how they are responding and match them so that you are in it together and in synch
  • Vary the pressure, kiss harder, then draw back a little to see if they will reach for you
  • Build up to full-mouthed hot-tongued passionate kissing: it’s still kissing, but closer to devouring them, like their mouth is some kind of candy that you want to take a bite of, but can only mouth, lick, suck at
  • Ease off to breath, swallow, or otherwise regroup
  • If you feel like moaning, whimpering, gasping or otherwise making noises into their mouth, do it. Hot.

I hope that helps.


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posted by on randomness


I went flyboarding a few weeks ago.

“A flyboard is a type of water jetpack… A flyboard rider stands on a board connected by a long hose to a watercraft. Water is forced under pressure to a pair of boots with jet nozzles underneath which provide thrust for the rider to fly up to 15 metres in the air or to dive headlong through the water.”Wikipedia

And when they say ‘dive headlong through the water’, they really mean ‘crash inelegantly while screaming’.

It looks like I’m doing something fancy in these fabulous action shots, but both of them were taken seconds before the aforementioned inelegant crashing…


flyboarding fall
Huge fun *smile*!!

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