This was such a great question it gets its very own post (also I rambled on way too long…).
Your kinda like my idol (:
Im a beginner and I was thinking about when I am ready to pursue a relationship with a submissive should I choose someone who is new too? I feel like my potential partner should be able to grow with me.
*smile* That’s such a lovely compliment, thank you! I will have to do my best to live up to idol-worthiness!
I do understand why you ask that question. I think there are valid reasons to go either way.
With experienced submissives, it can be a little intimidating if you are new. I mean if he’s ‘been there, done that’ you might worry about what you have to offer, or you might compare yourself to his last dominant, or have feelings of insecurity (all are perfectly understandable reactions).
With inexperienced submissives, there is always the risk that you will invest and then he will decide he didn’t want it after all (a lot of experienced dominants won’t touch newbies because they have been burnt by this too many times, but if you are new and it happens, I’ve no doubt your first thought would be ‘I’m crap at this, that’s why he left’).
But in the end, *especially* if you are looking for a romantic relationship, I’d suggest you forget about ‘new or not’ and concentrate on ‘like him a lot or not’.
Personally I don’t think experience is relevant (unless experienced-guy is an arsehole who tries to use his experience to bamboozle and manipulate you, though all things being equal that’s really not a lot worse than inexperienced-arsehole-guy who tries to use his inexperience to undermine your confidence by pretending he didn’t know what he was doing. In short: arseholes be arseholes!).
My first real D/s relationship was with a boy who was more experienced than me. He taught me a lot (both in technical skills and in the relationship) and I loved being able to learn things in a safe environment with someone I trusted. We DID grow together because as a couple, *we* were new and exploring each other and how this particular entity that was our relationship would work. Even though I was new, I had a pretty good idea what I wanted my relationship to look like and as an experienced submissive, he knew that it would work better if he let me take the reigns.
I think the *idea* of dominating someone with more experience can be intimidating, but if you really like each other and you both WANT this relationship, having someone who knows himself as a submissive and who has navigated a D/s relationship before can be a godsend. His experience is a tool that you can use, and if he’s a good fit for you, he will learn very quickly how to offer up his knowledge and experience in a way that works for you. And that can be completely wonderful. Think of it like any other skill he has that he puts at your disposal for you to use as you see fit.
TL;DR: If you find someone you really like, don’t use experience as a deal breaker.
Best of luck finding him!
Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…
I know the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is all over the internet, but perhaps we can do better.
I just found this: an Australian movie called ‘My Mistress‘.
What starts as a beautiful and strangely innocent affair between a vulnerable teenage romantic and a French S&M mistress soon becomes more dangerous.
It’s a long hot summer for Charlie Boyd. He’s sixteen, his hormones are raging and he’s just found out his mother is having an affair with his father’s best friend. One thing takes his mind off his problems, the mysterious woman down the street who has visitors day and night, and has just advertised for a gardener. But she is forgotten when a tragic family event tumbles Charlie into a world of pain, a pain so intense Charlie thinks no-one can help him. He’s wrong. Someone can. Maggie, the beautiful French stranger. She’s a professional, and she specialises in pain. Giving it, exploring it, sharing it, all for money. So Charlie falls in love, and despite herself so does she, drawn to this troubled boy who takes all the pain she can give and uses it to heal himself. And as Charlie heals, he turns that healing back onto her, his Mistress.
I really hope it’s not all terribly damaged one dimensional people in dysfunctional relationships (it seems a bit like that to me) but to say I’m intrigued would be an understatement.
It premières here in mid August. I’m so very curious about it!
Oh how they pile up when I’m not looking: I do love that *smile*.
Let’s not waste time then!
Ik neem aan dat Nederlands moet lukken … ik waag het er tenminste op.
Het idee om voor je te koken (naakt of in wat je ook wil dat ik voor je draag) is al een lekkere gedachte. Dat ik dan binnen de kortste keren vastgebonden op je bed kan liggen is helemaal heerlijk.
U heeft vast nog wel van die kinky dingen op voorraad :-)
*smile* Yes, Dutch works. And yes, I am full of the good ideas, and many more of them that I never share…
I am young and a virgin, but I know that when I do become sexually active I will be a naturally dominant woman. But in all of my previous relationships the guys have behaved in a dominant way towards me.
I feel like this is kind of a stupid question, but I’m asking anyway because I’m worried about it. Are there any signs – even tiny ones – that a guy might be a natural submissive? Because I would like to find one…
Thanks very much,
It’s not a stupid question at all and boy do I wish I had a good answer for you! Oh how I wish there were signs! Truly I do. You aren’t the lone ranger there.
The main problem is that submissive behaviours are often ALSO the realm of non-submissive men in love or in lust or in infatuation… they all behave in quite similar ways towards a woman in whom they are interested.
They pay attention to your likes and dislikes and act on them, they put your interests first, they ensure that you are comfortable and happy, they defer to your decisions etc. A whole range of wonderful men will behave that way if they like you, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEY ARE SUBMISSIVE. I’ve written a bit about vanilla vs D/s submissives, so if you want to take a look it talks a bit more about this.
My only useful bit of information here is that if they DON’T behave that way, they aren’t the man (or the submissive) for you.
So yeah, sorry. I got nothin’ :(.
As of very recently I’ve received a very nice ($$$) offer by a man that wants me to be his financial dominatrix. We’ve arranged everything and are to meet once every two weeks, the only issue is I’ve never been a “domme”. He’s told me of his previous relationship and said his old domme was into humiliation and physical abuse. I’m confident that I can do a good job, but what exactly falls under humiliation? I know communication is key but some beginners tips would be great. Thanks!!
Hmmm… beginner’s tips are difficult with so little information:
A financial dominatrix is not the same as a professional dominatrix. You used the ‘findom’ term up front, but then described a ‘pay for play’ scenario which is a pro-dom arrangement.
For financial domination, the giving of money IS the kink: it’s not a payment for services. For professional domination, the giving of money is payment for BDSM sessions. Women can do both, or mix them up, but I wanted to clarify that your use of the terms might be incorrect.
You are right about communication being key. There is no ‘one fits all’ for humiliation. What one person might find excruciatingly humiliating in a hot way another might find ridiculous and funny.
I answered a Q&A about humiliation for another newcomer in this post (look for the phrase “Humiliation is a hugely broad area”). I hope that helps.
Best of luck!
I haven’t had much luck in finding a boy *sad face * However I have met plenty who want to play. I know that these guys won’t be the shining star I’m searching for but I do really want to play. Do you ever just play?
Casual play is a very personal thing, and if you want to do it, and you can communicate your desires and expectations well enough to navigate it successfully, then go for it!
I don’t just play, no. When I was first exploring I did because I was hungry for experience, but even then it wasn’t a lot. The cost of casual play is too high for me: even if I enjoy the play itself, it makes me drop like a stone afterwards. I’m left wallowing in a whole bunch of badness in the aftermath. That cost is just not worth it for me.
But plenty of people do it and enjoy it immensely, and if you can, then go for it!
You’re an inspiration to me, I love your musings.
Oh, that’s so lovely! Thank you so much *smile*.
I wish is that i want to smell the underarm of mistress. For that the mistress has to whip me.
When you have a specific fetish that you want satisfied, and a specific way that the mistress ‘has to’ behave, you really would be best off to find a professional Domme to do that scene with you. Your fetish is not uncommon, and I’m sure there would be plenty of pro-Dommes who would do that for you.
Have you done a book tour? Will you? I think that would be absolutely grand (:
*laugh* I have not, and I will not, but I take this question as a huge compliment, thank you. I think it would be absolutely grand also, but unless someone wants to sponsor such a tour with no hope of getting their investment back, it’s not going to happen.
Anyone who DOES want to sponsor such a tour (are you mad?!), please don’t hesitate to contact me. My bag is packed, I’m ready to go…
After being very impressed by your Fetlife posts since I joined, I finally got around to checking out your blog (which I just finished reading from beginning to end). I relate to a *lot* of the stuff you write about how you approach dominance and what you want from a submissive, and I only hope that I become as good a Domme as you seem to be.
Thank you so much for reading from beginning to end *smile*. Wow! That makes me so happy!
I’m so glad you can relate to what I write. I always love when it resonates with other dominant women.
I really appreciate the kind words: thank you for taking the time to drop me such a lovely note!
fyi it looks like the submissive in seattle link is redirecting. maybe they didn’t renew their url.
Thanks for letting me know. Peroxide had a little glitch in his funding for the blog, but it’s all sorted now so he’s back! Yay!
I just came across your blog and I have to say it’s fantastic. I somehow find good writing very erotic and you did the trick for me.
What advice do you have for a person who lives in a community with no interest in BDSM at all? I have been interested in it for a long time now and sadly can’t find anyone to share my interests. I have always wanted to experiment new stuff to know how it feels. Honestly, its getting frustrating.
Thank you for the lovely compliment.
I obviously have no idea where you are located, but I suggest you go and take a look at Fetlife where you can find groups and events in your area (or in your case, perhaps in the closest bigger city). Obviously if you really are in the middle of a very conservative country with no BDSM community and no ability to travel, you are indeed in a bind.
Joining in online can give you a sense of community and support. It’s a good way to feel less isolated and to get to know like minded people, and make friends (even if they are remote from you).
As to more involvement, there are people who play and have online relationships, and that might go some way to help if you have no other choice. Maybe take a look at a site like Secondlife which has quite a few online BDSM communities.
Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…
Happy birthday to me!
My traditional birthday nude is turning more into ‘something I label as nude, but clearly isn’t’.
But it’s my party and I’ll cliché-fake-nude if I want to!
Wish me happy birthday, or at least click the little ‘Likes’ star so I feel loved.
And send champagne. I obviously shouldn’t have to get my own on my birthday!
Do I want you to get attached to me?
No-one ever asks this though.
“You missed me didn’t you?” I ask.
It’s a rhetorical question. I know the answer. I want to hear you say it anyway.
I like to be missed.
I like to be wanted.
I like to be so far inside that it’s unbearable.
I like desperation and fear of loss and emotions out of control.
I like all of those things that make it dangerous for you. Unsafe.
I know I am not supposed to like those things. I am supposed to be looking out for you.
And I will.
But I want all of that regardless.
Then you have to trust me to keep you safe.
Which comes first though, I wonder?
I want the fall first, the reckless fearlessness that makes you leap into it.
The trust comes later, when you learn that I won’t let you hit the ground. Not too hard anyway.
Maybe you knew that. Maybe you just knew somehow.
This is not how most people operate. This is not how most people *should* operate.
But that fierce and fearless defiance is why you’re special. That’s why you’re for me.
I miss you.
Come and find me.
I don’t normally post what comes into my inbox, but this stunningly lovely email arrived in my email yesterday and it made me so very happy I wanted to share it.
If I ever wonder why I write, this is more than enough to remind me.
(posted with permission)
Subject: A long overdue thank you
I’ve been meaning to send this message for a long time and finally got around to it tonight. I apologize in advance for the…I guess you could say…sappy tone of the message, but that’s just how it turned out.
You’re amazing. You’re beautiful on the inside and out and I’m sure you’re told that every day. You’re intelligent and funny and seem like such a kind soul, but on top of all that you have me the best gift anyone has given me. You gave me a normal life.
When I read your book it made me feel normal… Like I wasn’t alone or a freak. I’ve reread your book more times than I can count, not just because I find it unimaginably hot, but because every time I read it I feel even more reassured that I’m not weird.
I never thought it would get better than that, but then you actually talked to me and now I have a group of people that I can talk to and just be myself. I don’t have to hide what I like or who I am like I do at school or even at home. I never thought I would be able to just be myself around people without being judged or criticized.
There is no way I can ever thank you enough for what you have done, but I will always try. I know things don’t last forever and I have no misconceived hope that I may ever get to live out my fantasies when I’m older, but that doesn’t matter to me…. What does matter is what is happening now and that is because of you.
I want you to know you have changed my life in ways nobody else has and for that I am forever thankful and in your debt.
Holy fucking happies!! I cannot draw enough smiley faces for this :)))))).
Polite enough email exchange with a 28yo who claims to be serious about wanting a long term D/s relationship. He lives in New York. No, Seattle. He’s 6′. No, 5’10. Whatever.
We’re done here.
Miss Pearl is a friend of mine and you are obviously an emotionally unhinged liar.
Don’t contact me again.
Want an explanation? All righty then.
Edited to add: Here’s a follow up from Miss Pearl including the charming missive that was addressed to her but that our mutual friend cc’d me in on so that I wouldn’t feel left out. I got my own as well. So special…