Kneel here. Get it wet.
Let’s get started.
My traditional birthday nude is neither traditional nor nude. I’m okay with it.
Wish me a happy birthday, click ‘like’ so I know you’ve strap-onned (is SO a word, and no I don’t mean ‘strapped-on’) with me. Oh, and send me presents.
You know I wrote a book of hot femdom vignettes, right? Of course you do! It’s over there on the right (are you seeing this in a reader? GET OVER HERE AND LOOK!).
It’s been positively reviewed over on Cara Sutra Sutra by a Pleasure Panel reviewer! So excited!
…there is a whole chapter simply on kissing; however it is so detailed and intense that it leaves you just as aroused and enthralled as one of the chapters on sex (of which there are many).
I’m so delighted when someone likes my writing! When someone likes it and says so out loud it’s even better!
Go read the review.
Then buy my book.
A novice Domme has a partner who she loves, they are compatible in all ways, except for in kink. She’s not confident that he’s really into the BDSM that she enjoys and she’s not quite sure what to do about it.
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Full transcript after the jump.
When I talk with lovely submissive men, the ones who have wonderful qualities, the ones who I should fit with because they are perfect on paper, I want to tell them how to scale my walls.
If you’ve ever been into rock climbing you know exactly what I mean.
“No, up, the hand hold is there on your left, above your head. Yes THERE. And there’s a foot hold on that small ledge there, about knee height. Yes! THERE! Go you!”
I got me to thinking about how my (ex)boy scaled my walls.
And here’s the thing: it was EASY for him. He just scampered on up there with nary a thought. I hardly even saw him doing it. I was almost instantly enthralled, amused, entertained, and delighted by him as soon as he replied to my first message.
In fact, I resisted him even when he had clearly reached the top of the wall and was looking down the other side. Because of distance and logistics, it was a silliness. Instead of having to help him to scale the wall, I found myself being pulled into a free fall down the other side by the momentum while I tried to dig my heels in and stop the inevitable.
I was literally stupid over that boy. Looking back, the intensity of it was like my first love. Ridiculous crazy-making obsessive intensity.
And I can’t put my finger on why that was. He just ‘got me’ almost instantly in a way that is rare and impossible. He made me laugh in his very first emails, he had a wild and active imagination that he shared with abandon, he listened and threw himself into every conversation with the excitement of a small child, he ran at me shyly and relentlessly. Then he bloomed for me in front of my eyes, and it was completely intoxicating.
The boy before him was the same in that he sparked with me early. I just knew in the first message from him that he had ‘something’, I was itching to reply. I felt ‘it’. And in fact after we split up, he was back on the BDSM dating site with a different nick and he sent me a courtesy note to let me know he was around. But he left off identifying himself until the last sentence. And by the time I GOT to the last sentence of his witty and fun email, I felt it, I knew this one was special, I was quietly excited. And then he was all ‘Hey, it’s me, just letting you know’. Arrggghh!! *laugh* Brat.
I didn’t write this for nostalgia. I wrote this because I am talking to a lovely man and I want to help him scale the wall. He seems like all the good things. I want to say “That handhold, that crevice…”
But I’m not quite sure whether having to give someone guidance in how to interact with me means that it’s already a lost cause.
I think about women who put very specific instructions for how they are to be contacted in their online profiles. It seems to me that all they are doing is allowing men who are completely unsuitable to slip over the wall because they have a formula that will get them there.
If you tell someone how to interact with you, they will probably try to do it. But that’s not who they are. They are someone else entirely and that will come out eventually. All you’re doing is delaying the inevitable.
So I’m vaguely telling this man who is all the good things what sort of interactions I enjoy, just in case he’s shy or nervous or holding back or some other thing. Trying to point out some footholds. There you go, try that. The top isn’t that far, but you’ll never get there with your feet planted on the ground like that.
A few weeks ago, I hid my profiles on both the vanilla and BDSM dating sites.
I got to a point where I no longer found the careless idiocy in my inbox amusing. I rarely got offensive or rude emails (how sad that that’s even a point to be made as exceptional), but the majority of what I was getting added up to a relentless onslaught of minimum-effort mediocrity from men with poorly written or empty profiles.
“how r u”
“i want to be ur slave”
After a while the barrage of it spills over the walls of hopeful optimism and drowns everything good and positive. I got to the the point where it was making me feel depressed and obviously that’s not a place from which anyone can optimistically make connections.
So I bailed to give myself time to regroup and shore up the walls.
In the last few days, with my profile still hidden, I trawled Australian boys on the BDSM site. I was looking for great, thoughtful profiles and/or pretty pictures.
I don’t know why I didn’t think of being active with my profile hidden before. It means that no-one can message me unless I message them first, no-one can see me viewing their profiles, and the control is in my hands. Perfect!
I looked at a LOT of profiles and ended up sending out five messages.
Three were fly-by compliments to much younger men on their profiles or pictures. I didn’t tell them anything about myself, except that I was much older, and that I thought that [something about their profile] was really appealing and wanted to let them know that I saw it and thought it was great. I wished them luck.
Two were to younger (but more age-appropriate) men who had stellar profiles. With those, I told them what I liked about what they had to say, shared a little about myself, and sent a link to this photo that I tweeted last month. I invited them to have a chat.
So far three of my emails have been read and replied to:
A 6’3 42yo with a thoughtful profile & pretty cropped mouth pic. A flight away. He was musing that he was probably not looking for submission out of the bedroom. I sent a complimentary note, said we probably weren’t a match, but asked about his musings because I like talking to smart thoughtful men: it makes me feel hopeful. Turns out this is a guy I talked to YEARS ago and who I offered to meet when I was in his city. He declined the meeting because REASONS. We drifted after that. Funny that I’m still attracted to (and can pick out) qualities that I was attracted to years ago.
A 6’ 44yo with a great, balanced profile that was really appealing. Also flight distance. I’m having further positive conversation with him, we have exchanged pictures (he’s a cutie pie), a few emails. What he talks about is all good and interesting, but there’s none of that sparkling flirtatious bantering even though I have given him plenty of openings to riff off. I think he’s probably really nervous, so his emails are very earnestly about giving me facts about himself. I like what he has to say and I’m hoping he will relax into our exchange and show me a few sparks.
A 6’2 34yo with a stupid-hot body picture and hints of a lovely face that I sent a compliment on (he was a ‘fly-by compliment’ guy). Again a flight away (and no, I really don’t know why no local men have appealed, I don’t do this on purpose!). Since he was a fly-by, I told him nothing about myself, just mentioned that I was too old for him and essentially said ‘Great body shot! Very pretty.’). He came back with ‘I prefer older women’. Do you now? Well well well… I’ll probably ask him what the chances are that he’d want to come up and visit and go from there.
Not read yet:
A 6’ 30yo with a cute (half hidden) face pic and a new profile. Just sent a random compliment and warned him not to send anyone money. He looks really naïve. Bless.
A 5’8 29yo newbie with an adorable happy-smiley face photo that made me smile. I just told him exactly that, wished him luck.
Of all of them, only the man I knew before knows of my blog (as far as I know). I generally avoid being ‘Ferns’ when I introduce myself for reasons I’ve talked about before. If any of them progress, I’ll tell them about my blog and book and Fetlife profile, but for now, it’s just me, random woman on a BDSM dating site.
To clarify, this isn’t odd behaviour for me, initiating contact with men who interest me. I do it a lot, though mostly it’s much more random, where I don’t specifically go trawling for men to contact, but I just happen to see their profile and send them a note (as I did with the cougarling and holy fuck beautiful eyes).
You just never hear about it here on the blog until it’s worth mentioning. I never usually talk about these sorts of correspondences so early on, not least because most simply peter out quietly after a few back-and-forths. And that’s okay.
I’m posting it mostly because I feel like I’ve been in a bit of a hole and I’m peeking over the top of it now: I feel like I’m tentatively climbing over the edge with some tenuous optimism.
So yeah, that’s where I’m at.
This from r/FemdomCommunity (edited).
Fellow dommes, how do you reconcile the need for dominance and power with the need for support and love in a relationship?
I’m fairly new to BDSM and have never experienced it in a relationship of any kind. I’ve had relationships, and I’ve played plenty, but never with the same people. I know others do it all the time, but in my mind I can’t envison how it’s possible…
Also, I as a domme, feel incredibly aroused by a man believing that I am the most badass, sucessful, beautiful, independent, confident woman around. Submissive men like this as well, and would probably prefer women who fulfill these categories. In a play relationship I speak confidently and assertively to showcase that side of myself. In real life, I can get insecure, I have sad moments and lots of times when I’m not actually that cool. In a relationship, I need someone who can talk me down from an anxiety attack, or make me feel better when I’m down, or just make me feel like I’m not alone. I don’t know if a submissive man would be glad to do any of those things if it meant the image of the goddess he was worshiping was shattered.
I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong, or have the wrong mindset, but I don’t know how I can reconcile my intense fetish for femdom with a genuine desire for companionship with someone who loves me for being a flawed person. I know polyamory is a thing, but that’s a whole other can of worms and I don’t want to get into that unless absolutely necessary…
Any dommes out there who have figured this out? How did you go about it?
When someone genuinely likes you and loves you and thinks you’re all that, you don’t have to pretend to be “the most badass, sucessful, beautiful, independent, confident woman around”.
In his eyes, you WILL be. He will believe it and you will believe it and every loving fabulous wonderful sweet interaction you have will reinforce that feeling.
And he will believe it even if you have anxiety, pimples, if you cry because someone hurt you, if you act like an idiot, if you do something dumb, ALL THE HUMAN THINGS that people do.
When I say he will believe it, I don’t mean that he will believe it like some fantasy boy believes that of you now. I mean that when he looks at you he will feel love and that’s what love brings with it. He will love your flaws and humanity and sweetness and cuteness and wrongness in all the ways.
In the same way, you will look at him and think he’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever been lucky enough to have in your life.
And when you play, it’s ratcheting up the D/s stuff to 11 and it will have all the more power because he knows you and loves you and there is incredible freedom in that.
And if you don’t feel any of that yet (or maybe, don’t think you can or will), that’s okay. You’re young, you will grow into yourself (as a person, as a Domme, as a lover, as the awesome that you are) with experience and with these play relationships: no hurry.