This from r/FemdomCommunity (edited).
Fellow dommes, how do you reconcile the need for dominance and power with the need for support and love in a relationship?
I’m fairly new to BDSM and have never experienced it in a relationship of any kind. I’ve had relationships, and I’ve played plenty, but never with the same people. I know others do it all the time, but in my mind I can’t envison how it’s possible…
Also, I as a domme, feel incredibly aroused by a man believing that I am the most badass, sucessful, beautiful, independent, confident woman around. Submissive men like this as well, and would probably prefer women who fulfill these categories. In a play relationship I speak confidently and assertively to showcase that side of myself. In real life, I can get insecure, I have sad moments and lots of times when I’m not actually that cool. In a relationship, I need someone who can talk me down from an anxiety attack, or make me feel better when I’m down, or just make me feel like I’m not alone. I don’t know if a submissive man would be glad to do any of those things if it meant the image of the goddess he was worshiping was shattered.
I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong, or have the wrong mindset, but I don’t know how I can reconcile my intense fetish for femdom with a genuine desire for companionship with someone who loves me for being a flawed person. I know polyamory is a thing, but that’s a whole other can of worms and I don’t want to get into that unless absolutely necessary…
Any dommes out there who have figured this out? How did you go about it?
When someone genuinely likes you and loves you and thinks you’re all that, you don’t have to pretend to be “the most badass, sucessful, beautiful, independent, confident woman around”.
In his eyes, you WILL be. He will believe it and you will believe it and every loving fabulous wonderful sweet interaction you have will reinforce that feeling.
And he will believe it even if you have anxiety, pimples, if you cry because someone hurt you, if you act like an idiot, if you do something dumb, ALL THE HUMAN THINGS that people do.
When I say he will believe it, I don’t mean that he will believe it like some fantasy boy believes that of you now. I mean that when he looks at you he will feel love and that’s what love brings with it. He will love your flaws and humanity and sweetness and cuteness and wrongness in all the ways.
In the same way, you will look at him and think he’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever been lucky enough to have in your life.
And when you play, it’s ratcheting up the D/s stuff to 11 and it will have all the more power because he knows you and loves you and there is incredible freedom in that.
And if you don’t feel any of that yet (or maybe, don’t think you can or will), that’s okay. You’re young, you will grow into yourself (as a person, as a Domme, as a lover, as the awesome that you are) with experience and with these play relationships: no hurry.
I’m so delighted to share another wonderful story from a happy femdom couple who found each other on Collarme.com (now Collarspace) some 7 years ago and never looked back. Heartwarming and lovely and happily-ever-after-ish *happy sigh*.
I moved to Tennessee in January of 2007 to be closer to my slave a the time, Angel. He and I had a rocky relationship face to face that did not translate well from what we had online. Fox had started college as a freshman and was living away from home in the dorms. He decided to start his search since he was able to do so privately. He had joined collarme, and submitted a photo. I contacted him before it had even been approved. I was just saying hello since he had popped up on my new users list and he was in my area. I wasn’t looking for anything, because even though the relationship with Angel was open, it was having problems. He wasn’t really looking either, having decided he didn’t want a serious girlfriend until he finished his school year. We chatted for hours over CM, and then moved to yahoo IMs.
The next day circumstances aligned to have us both off at the same time. He had never been to Nashville, but decided to come in on a whim. A whim, of course, that was totally and completely out of character for him. The plan was to meet at my place and then I would drive us to the nearby park to take photos for an online project. He pulled into the complex and saw me walking to throw out trash. Supposedly he thought to himself that he really wanted to meet that woman, and he was going to ask me if I knew her. He didn’t know I was her at this point having never seen my face.
He was so shocked that it was me, and so knocked off kilter by being attracted that he wouldn’t even walk next to me when we were in the park. He was SUPER shy, but conversation picked up quickly. When it started getting dark, I invited him back to my place for dinner. I cooked, and we enjoyed even more time together. Finally, I decided to kiss him. It was the first time he had ever kissed anyone, ever. His sister called his cell right in the middle of it, and he didn’t want them to suspect he was away from home, so he had to answer it.
He spent the night, because time got away from us and it was way too late for him to drive home. He had class in the morning, so he stayed and drove back early. He took the 45 minute drive to and from campus every day that week to see me. I surprised him with a collar on day 3, I was already sure I wanted to keep him. He had 2 hard limits: No spitting, and no sex before marriage. I agreed though the no sex was difficult for me.
Fast forward a few months. Fox was staying the night, and he turns to me and says ‘I don’t think I want you to respect my limits.” That was the first time we had sex. I proposed the next month.
I was the maid of honor at my best friend’s wedding, and on VERY short notice. Fox and I drove up to New York for it. Fox was navigator. One night, I turned to him and said “I have something to ask you.” As a joke, his response was “If you’re asking me to marry you, the answer is yes.” I said “No, what street do we turn on?”
The next night at the wedding, I asked my best friend if she would be insulted if I asked him to marry me that night. I didn’t want to steal her thunder of course. Not only did she not mind, but she arranged a spotlight dance for us to do it. Fox had no idea, but she told everyone else at the wedding.
“Everything I Do, I Do it For you” came on, which was our song and the DJ called us out to the floor. While we were dancing, I asked him if the answer was still yes. He cried, then the bride cried, then everyone applauded when he said yes and then joined us on the floor. I beat him to the punch, he was going to ask me after the wedding. He still wears his engagement ring around his neck.
We got married in the park, with a mix of family and kink friends in attendance. We reversed our vows, so I said ‘love, honor, and cherish’, and he said ‘love, honor’ and obey’. No one was surprised, even our vanilla family. That was the 2 year anniversary of his collaring, on October 19, 2009.
We are going on 7 years and they have been the best years of my life.
This post is part of an ongoing project to share happy, positive femdom relationship stories. If you have a story and are willing to share it, I’d love to host it here. Please email it to me (ferns AT domme-chronicles DOT com).
I’m shit at casual anything. I’m normally either all-in and want to give and get everything, or I’m out. Because ‘meh’. But sometimes, rarely, I am open to other options.
I offered to see the cougarling again in my last email to him even though I didn’t think that developing a long term relationship over distance was going to work for us:
I enjoyed so much about our time together: you’re lovely, and you’re so beautiful, and I feel like there is more to explore. I’d be delighted to see you again to kiss and pet and play some more if you would enjoy that also.
While our communication didn’t work for a potential LTR, when we were together, there was much to enjoy about his 6’3 of awesome pretty and I was keen to get my hands on some more of that.
We exchanged some sweet and flirty texts after I sent that email, so I knew we were fine with each other. He didn’t come back to my email directly, but he would, he said.
Some time passed and I expected nothing more from him, I was happy with how we left things. It was sweet and respectful and mutually kind.
Then the loveliest email landed in my inbox, a long and thoughtful list of all of the ways that I made him smile, and all of the things that he enjoyed about our time together.
I still have this lovely image in my head of the first time I saw you, when you walked into the bar. Tall, beautiful and smiling. That is how I remember you despite time and place. You have the most amazing smile and it make me melt when you in a soft and charming voice call me beautiful. Not only does it makes me feel all warm inside, but it also ignites my submissive side more than you might know.
He said he felt bad that he couldn’t communicate in the way I wanted and needed, but it’s just how he is wired, and I’m glad he is self aware enough to know that. Perhaps if he was local it wouldn’t have been an issue. Who knows. Either way, he agreed with my assessment that our communication mismatch meant that a long term relationship was untenable.
And at the end of his email, he said he’d like to see me again if my offer was still on the table. Hell yes it is *smile*. I replied with enthusiasm:
… yes, the offer is still on the table: it’s rare that I get my hands on someone as beautiful as you who I like and feel safe with, and I do think there is a lot more potential for enjoying you in different ways. You are most welcome in my lair, in my rope, and in my bed.
It’s a 24 hour return trip for him, so I have no idea when, or indeed if, he will make it, but I’m happy for it to be a ‘casual maybe’ floating out there in the ether.
I hate to be disappointed. Truly. But I also don’t like to be cynical. It’s a tricky balance, but when I’m optimistically excited, the disappointment is, of course, worse than when I don’t expect much. Not least because I feel foolish and naive for being hopeful.
So the unfolding of events with the 24 year old:
Thursday before last: He mentioned eating his ejaculate, asked if I would help him with that. It was in the context of a chat about his orgasm control and I was fine with him asking, but it made me realise that he had some assumptions about sexual contact in our arrangement. I sent him an email to clear that up, apologised for misleading him, stated clearly that there would be no intimate sexual contact in our service arrangement, but that I was willing to see where our relationship went.
I also sent him an email outlining D/s activities that might be in play for our first visit. I asked him to rate them from 0 (hard limit) to 5 (yes please!), he could add some for discussion if he wanted. The list included things like kneeling, undressing, body touching, kissing. Not explicitly sexual, but certainly more than pure service, enough to make it fun for both of us, I thought.
Friday: I invited him to come and visit on Saturday afternoon. He had already made plans for the weekend, which was fine.
Saturday: He replied late to my last text.
Sunday: A few texts in the afternoon. I invited him to come for his first service visit on Wednesday. He agreed. He said he would reply to my emails ‘soon’. He didn’t call me ‘Ma’am’ which he had initiated and which I said I liked. I reminded him of it. I said I expected his emails on Monday then. We wished each other good night.
Monday: No contact. That was unusual.
Tuesday: A few early texts, but something felt ‘off’ in the way we had been communicating, his enthusiasm was gone. It felt eerily similar to the strangeness I felt from him before he bailed the first time. Nothing I can quite put my finger on, but not replying to my emails from the previous week, and in particular to the D/s checklist for his visit the next day, was not normal behaviour for him and it didn’t feel right.
Just before lunch I sent him a text noting that I was feeling the same ‘iffy’ vibe from him that I felt in the days before he bailed the first time. He replied that he was really busy at work, stressed about having to find a new place to live, had no time to do anything. He was obviously struggling. I sent this to give him an easy out:
He didn’t reply… (and didn’t reply and didn’t reply).
Some 7 hours later (Tuesday evening), I still had heard nothing and I was angry. I sent him a text saying that I was calling it off, that if he’d thought it was a good idea to go ahead the next day, he’d had plenty of time to say so. He apologised, thanked me for cancelling, and then added that he ‘completely forgot’.
The “I completely forgot” tipped me over into livid.
Not because we had to cancel or because he was busy and stressed: life happens, I get it. I wasn’t even angry that all of the communication and management of the situation came from me: I had to ‘guess’ that something was up with him with my ‘magic dommely powers’ (again) and I had to chase him about it (again) to see what was going on. I was surprisingly okay with that.
What made me livid was that when I graciously offered to postpone so that he didn’t even have to think about it or make any effort to manage it, he didn’t even have the courtesy to put in the 10 seconds it would have taken to text ‘Yes please, I’d like to postpone’. The ‘I completely forgot’ was the icing on the ‘WTF?!’ cake.
The level of casual disrespect in it hit all of my buttons.
And like the first time, I have no idea what would have happened if I hadn’t been all over it. Perhaps a last minute paniced cancellation the next day? Who knows.
I waited until my anger had cooled over the next day and a half in the wake of his silence.
Thursday: I sent him a calm email about my expectations around respect and communication.
I closed with this:
“It takes NO more time or effort to be respectful and communicative than it does to apologise for NOT doing it after the fact.
Maybe this is not what you signed up for because ‘geez, I just want to do some naked chores ffs!’ If you are thinking I am being unreasonable or making a mountain out of a molehill, then we’ve identified a fundamental incompatibility and we should call it done.
If you understand what I’m saying, and genuinely want to do better, then we have something to work with.”
I haven’t heard from him since. So clearly we DO have a fundamental incompatibility problem. I wish he’d had the grace to reply and say so.
The almost perfect irony of getting no respectful communication in response to an email about respect and communication is not lost on me, by the way. It has a kind of pleasing rueful symmetry to it.
In this episode of ‘Ferns does Q&A’, we have the following:
- What is your star sign?
- Teletubbies question :P
- What do you think of ‘Steak and Blowjob’ day [on re-listening, I hate how I just went along with the premise that ‘Valentines Day is for the ladieeezzz’: This is what happens when I do the talking thing and can’t edit!]
- Have you tried sploshing?
- Alternative food-related label to replace ‘vanilla’
- Maaaaaaaaaaatt Daaaaaaamon!!
- Women on vanilla dating sites: what the fuck?
- Do you like spicy foods?
- Last cookie on earth: What would Ferns do?!
- Have you ever fantasised about eating off a submissive?
- What does YMMV mean on a pro-domme’s site?
- Ghosting… ugh :(
- Is my youth and inexperience responsible for my failures?
- Zen closer
Full transcription after the jump.
The 23 year old landed back in my inbox around the beginning of May, he had had a birthday, his profile showed he was 24 now.
He was a little cautious with me, but still the same articulate, curious boy. Just a little less bouncy.
He’d had a couple of service experiences with different dominants in the ensuing time, but said he kept coming back to our conversations, stressed how important they were to him, thanked me for what he learnt from them. I suspect I was the only one who challenged him, who wanted to talk to him to see what made him tick, who saw service as a kind of exchange, who took the time to see if there was something worth pursuing.
As I said, I wasn’t angry with him and I was genuine in my offer to keep in touch. I was happy enough to speak with him further. He is sweet and obviously smart and so very inquisitive.
He, again, offered his service, and after a few weeks of consistent communication I felt comfortable enough to say that I would consider it. Again. The fact that he had met with other dominants meant that he had at least a little exposure, and despite our false start, I had no doubt that he was fundamentally sincere.
At one point I had to rein in his enthusiasm so that he didn’t get ahead of himself. I pointed him to this post about puppying. “I am a puppy it seems :),” he wrote. I’m a sucker for some puppying.
Last weekend, I met with him. I trusted that he would show up, but I was still cautious. I asked for a text when he left home and a text when he arrived at the bar. I said I wasn’t going to leave home until I knew he was there.
He did exactly as I asked. Sent a text when he left his home (well before he needed to), he arrived early, sent me another text to let me know he was there. I told him to grab a particular table and get a bottle of water, which he did.
He’s 6′ tall, better looking than his photos in which he is clearly well-built with an innocently young face. In person he looks… not older exactly, but more mature: his face less openly naive, his eyes a frank pale blue. He’s extroverted, opinionated, smart, a good conversationalist.
When I indicated my empty water glass he sheepishly filled it. When my wine glass was empty, he didn’t ask if I wanted another. He is not used to these little niceties. It’s okay, I have no doubt he is a quick learner.
We talked easily for about an hour and a half before he let me know that he had to get going soon. We touched very little on D/s, too busy with other topics. I consider that a good sign.
When we walked out, I put my hand gently on the back of his warm neck. Some small contact. He told me later that it made him want to fall to his knees at my feet *swoon*. Outside, I asked for a hug before we parted. I reminded him to send me a note telling me how he thought it went.
I sent him a text soon afterwards thanking him for making the drive to come and see me. I liked him enough to introduce a play element: On a whim, I suggested that he extend the self-imposed chastity that we had briefly discussed.
“If your target was 3 days and you’re now at 4, you should just make it 5 :)”
He thanked me for not allowing him to come, called me ‘Ma’am’.
His follow-up email was very positive, his communication is excellent, he’s attentive and sweet and super eager. We are talking about when we can organise his first service visit. This weekend looks like it’s not going to work, so perhaps an afternoon during the week.
Also did I mention that he’s hellishly cute? He is. It will be a pleasure to watch him doing half naked chores in my house.