I’ve said this before in different ways, but I’m going to say it again.
What I expect from potential submissives, or even submissive men I am just flirting with, is that they do what they say they will do. Every time. Reliably. Without fail.
Hell, I apply that rule to everyone, but with *other* people, I don’t really care either way. Do it, don’t do it, whatever. No skin off my nose.
With a submissive man who I might be feeling out for more than flirtatious banter, though, it’s everything.
It’s how I develop trust in them. It’s how I feel sweet with them. It’s what makes me feel potential. Without it, I lose interest.
If someone says they will do something, or worse, they *offer* to do something of their own volition, and then they forget or don’t bother or otherwise don’t deliver, they are showing me what value they place on the words they say to me. And they are showing me what their submission is going to look like. I believe that to be true, even if (especially if) it’s a small thing and even if they didn’t sincerely double-pinkie-promise cross-their-hearts-and-hope-to-die swear to do that thing.
If someone says they will do something, I expect them to do it.
It’s so SIMPLE. Truly.
And yet… and yet… my goodness.
So many submissive men I’ve interacted with struggle with this. I find it truly baffling.
“I’ll get you that link tomorrow.”
“Hey, what happened to that link you were going to send me?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot. I’ll send it tomorrow.”
I know to a million and one people that’s really no big deal. But if I am feeling him out for some potential, it’s a big deal for me, even though I don’t at all care about the thing. I only care that he said he would do something, and didn’t.
If I like him, I will explain that it’s important and why, because somehow people have become blasé about doing what they say they will. Because it’s no big deal, and ‘wow, way to make a mountain out of a molehill, Ferns!’
It’s like they are so used to throwing random words out into the void that they no longer MEAN anything.
“Wait, you thought I was actually going to DO that thing I said I would do?! Oh.” As if it’s some bizarre expectation.
I discussed similar with the sex-voiced Texan in a slightly different context quite early on. He likes older women, but he said they tend not to take him seriously, think he is a game player, a notch taker. I asked him how he ‘proved’ himself to them. “I always do what I say I will,” he said, stating a fact, as if it was obvious.
So far he has batted 100%. I don’t ask much of him, but if I do, or if he offers something, he does it. I *know* that shouldn’t be a thing, but it really is. I’m learning to trust him in this, which smooths our interactions, makes them sweeter, makes me feel connection, gives me space to do some D/s flirting (which I love).
Last night he was going out with friends, but he offered to do something I asked of him when he got home. The choice of timing was his: I didn’t really care when he did it. As it got later in his timezone and it didn’t arrive, I had a sinking feeling: Disappointment. When it got past 1am, I didn’t bother checking my inbox any more.
I didn’t WANT to be disappointed by him. It’s an awful feeling. I was already mentally imagining the chat I was going to have with him about it. I wasn’t angry or upset. He owes me nothing. But I did want to be clear, in case it wasn’t already, that I will lose interest if I can’t trust him. And that’s what it is: trust.
At 1.23am… *ping*… there it was in my inbox.
I felt… relief, and, oddly, like I wanted to cheer for him. I know that sounds weird, but I was rooting for him: I WANT him to deliver, to succeed, to sit in that sweet spot with me where it feels like we are in this thing (whatever ‘this thing’ is) together.
I also felt guilty for not trusting him when he has consistently honoured every word he has said so far. That bit is entirely on me and it’s unfair. It illustrates to me how much I’m influenced by previous experiences, and how long it takes me to trust someone. My goodness, though, sometimes it’s nice when I’m wrong.
This time, I sent sex-voiced Texan a photo of a pose I liked as inspiration: casual, leaning against a wall, hat in hand, boots on, jeans, no shirt.
He sent me three pictures: two variations of that pose, and one off-script photo featuring his bound hands, the boots and hat in shot.
I am (almost literally) floored by my visceral reaction to how beautiful he is. But it’s not JUST his beauty. It’s the fact that he happily trots off to do his best to give me what I want. Then he over-achieves. Unf.
This was my reply.
I only just avoided sending you an entirely empty email… *laugh*.
It went like this:
Oh email from the sex-voiced Texan, awesome :))
*reads email… thinks about responses*
Oh shit, gotta take my dad to his appointment…!!! *runs out*
*random thoughts and smiling at those pics while my dad chit chats in the car*
“That first one was so awesome, was that an Adonis belt? Holy fuck. The wrist one… jesus… Wow, he looked fucking HUGE in that one shot. HUGE!”
*saves attached pics*
*hits reply on email, ready to type some response*
*looks at pics*
*hits ‘Send’ on empty email because I’M REPLYING TO EMAIL*
Macro pops up: “Did you really want to send an empty email?”
*sheepish* “… um… no…”
Working portion of brain: So send a proper email then!
Rest of brain: Uuuuhhhhhh… uuuuuuuhhhhh… *stutters*… uuuhhhhhhh… *flails about*
Working portion of brain: How about you just explain what just happened vs trying to make your brain work?
YES! (see above)
I can’t even…
So fucking good! Thank you.
If you are on Google’s Blogger platform, no doubt you have already seen this policy change about adult content:
Starting March 23, 2015, you won’t be able to publicly share images and video that are sexually explicit or show graphic nudity on Blogger.
-Full policy text here
Obviously this is huge for sex bloggers who share any kind of photos.
I know the first instinct is to get off Blogger and go somewhere else. First port of call would be, I guess, the free WordPress.com platform.
But please be aware that WordPress.com doesn’t allow ‘pornographic content’, and while you may be on there forever without a problem, they DO have blitzes at times where they simply suspend blogs that they feel violates their policy. I wrote about this in 2013: one minute the blog is there, the next it’s inaccessible, and I know it’s really difficult to get it ‘unsuspended’ once they’ve locked it down.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this policy change by Blogger triggers a crackdown on ‘pornographic’ blogs by WordPress.com because heaven knows they don’t want to be known as ‘the porn platform’! *clutches pearls*
Self hosting gets around this issue entirely, but it costs money.
I know there are other platforms around that are free and I assume some of them have no concerns about sexual content, but I don’t know enough about any of them to recommend one.
If you have any suggestions that are a) free and b) accepting of explicit content, please let us know in the comments.
In the meantime, if you are on those platforms, please backup and/or export your content just in case.
Update 27 Feb 2015: Well, what do you know… sometimes people-power works: Google reverses decision to ban adult content on Blogger *smile*.
Yesterday I had a second voice call with the sex-voiced Texan.
Early afternoon my time, 8pm his time. “So that you get to bed at a reasonable hour,” I said (our last call was 4.5 hours long).
When I call him, his webcam flickers. He beams at me with his killer smile.
I never asked him to turn his cam on but I love watching him when we talk. His face is expressive and open, sometimes he gets shy, when he laughs he lights up. I like watching his mouth move.
Topics are wide-ranging and eclectic. We argue when we disagree, we share our experiences, I push him a little on subjects I can see he’s uncomfortable with. We flirt some and laugh more. I use his name a lot. He likes the way I say it and I like the way it rolls off my tongue.
“How are you doing there? Are you tired?” I ask him several times as the call goes on.
He shakes his head emphatically each time. “I’m good! Not tired at all.”
He is though, towards the end, but he won’t admit it.
“What time is it?” I ask eventually.
He looks at his clock. It’s 5am.
I tell him to go get ready for bed and I’ll read him a bedtime story. This is something really sweet and intimate for me to offer. It feels right.
We say goodnight and I tell him I’m going to hang up when I finish the story, and it’s okay if he’s asleep by then. He nods.
He settles down into bed, the cam on his face, his eyes close. His expression relaxes as I start to read. He looks even younger like this, pettable.
“… The End.”
He has been very still, I thought perhaps he’d slipped into sleep, but immediately after I finish, his mouth curls up into a smile. He can’t see me smile back.
I say goodnight to him.
“Goodnight Sharyn,” he murmurs all Texan drawl and sleepy.
His mouth opens to say something else, but I have already clicked the button to disconnect from him.
I hang up just over 9 hours after we started talking.
He sent me a sweet email this morning: “It hardly felt like an hour…”
He’s right. Time flew.
Of course he’d be 8,000 miles away from me, right? Of course he would.
I rarely meet people off the internet unless they are potential partners.
I’m not a friendly person: I hate meeting people, and I hate socialising, so unless there’s a chance of at LEAST getting some kissing out of it, I’m not interested.
I made an exception for the lovely switch because, well, he was so very lovely. I also made an exception for climbing boy, because he was super sweet and local. With both of them, we had been e-friends for quite some time before I agreed to meet them. Simply put, I liked them, and our conversations prior had been interesting and sustained enough for me to make exceptions. In both cases, I was delighted that I did.
In March, I’m making another exception. I’ll be meeting Drew who writes over at The Drew Duality. He’s a Double Gold Star Gay switch married to his dominant husband and he has a bisexual submissive boyfriend who you might know from Denying Thumper.
I’m so excited! It’s going to be much fun! *bounce*
Obviously there’s no partner potential there, and I’d normally not be interested in meeting, especially since I don’t know him at all well, but he gets to the top of the line because:
a) he’s Thumper’s boyfriend, and, well I’ve blog-known Thumper for years, so he comes pre-vetted and that counts for something and
b) I just like him. In our brief exchanges, there’s a lovely familiarity between us, a mutual respect. I feel like he ‘gets’ me (no small thing). Plus he’s hella cute and our mutual teasing of Thumper is fun.
Though really, we’re just meeting to make Thumper jealous. And to talk about him… :P
He’s in another Australian city for work, he’s going to fly up to meet me. I’ll pick him up from the airport, we will head out for lunch and drinks and hopefully ridiculously entertaining conversation, and I will drop him back at the airport in the early evening. Or you know, maybe I’ll have to throw him in a taxi if we have a few too many drinks (this does seem likely).
On a related note, in the post where Drew wrote about meeting me, he also talked some about people’s perceptions of others online. This stuff absolutely fascinates me.
He’s getting quite a lot of hideous hate comments and mail about his relationship with Thumper. Some of Thumper’s fans DO NOT LIKE IT. I posited the idea that some people think they ‘own’ Thumper, they *know* him, they relate to him in a certain way as readers, and Drew’s relationship with him upsets their fantasies of ‘who Thumper is’. That is, they are comfortable with him being a straight man in chastity who’s in a loving relationship with his wife. When he veers from their ‘script’ of ‘who he is’ and talks about his boyfriend, they get upset and angry, I think they feel betrayed. And they figure it’s ALL DREW’S FAULT. It’s so very strange.
I’ve long been aware of the power of internet personas, it impacts me in various ways that I’ve talked about before. ‘Ferns’ is a strong and pervasive presence on social media: She is me, but she’s a tiny curated slice of me, more strobe-light impressions than a fully formed person. This is true no matter how much I share here or how honest I am, and I do share quite a lot and I AM honest.
I think ‘twitter-me’ is more revealing in a lot of ways than ‘blog-me’ since I obviously only blog when I have something to say. I tweet when I have NOTHING to say, so it includes a whole bunch of boring trivialities that is more representative of my every day life.
But either way, while I’ve had issues with my blog representing ‘me’, I’ve never veered far off-script, so I’ve not had the experience of dealing with people being upset and angry over it.
I keep trying to think of an equivalent that might happen in my life that would make some people upset and angry. And you know what I think might do it? If I was to get involved with a dominant man and decide I was submissive, especially if that man had a blog and was referring to me as ‘my slut’, ‘my girl’, my holes’ etc. I think that might provoke some really strong negative reactions (it provokes some really strong negative reactions in ME *laugh*).
Hmmm… April 1st… *smile*.
As always when I don’t really feel like hitting ‘publish’ on any of my ramblings, I end up doing a general ‘what’s going on with me’ post, and sometimes that’s enough to kick me out of my stupor, so here it is.
I had a couple of minor surgical procedures in the last few weeks (don’t worry, lovely readers, they are no big deal). One was to take care of some stuff, one was a check for some other bad stuff. Neither are worrisome, but there has been some prep and recovery time that makes me feel a bit ‘off’. I thought I was on top of it all, but today is day 7 after the second procedure and I have some swelling that is keeping me sequestered at home to rest in case I make it worse.
I’ve invited the sex-voiced Texan to have another voice call with me. Our last one was some 4.5 hours long, ending at about 3am or so his time. He sent me a sweet note afterwards saying he ‘couldn’t fall asleep from delight’ after we hung up. That still makes me smile.
Our communication is much slower than ‘normal’ because most of it is in audio files, and creating them takes a block of time, some solitude, and a different energy from writing. Still, when I hadn’t heard from him for 4 days, I realised I missed him.
In my typical manner, I wasn’t slow to say so in a blamey way when I finally DID hear from him *laugh*:
You HAVEN’T TALKED TO ME IN FOREVER!! Where WERE you?! *kicks things*
I missed you. Why weren’t you talking to me?
I’m so subtle, like a freight train.
I enjoy that feeling a lot, the missing I mean, not the freight train part.
There are two severe cyclones that made landfall on different coasts in Australia today. My heart goes out to those impacted. It will be devastating.
I will not be directly impacted, thank goodness, but the one that made landfall as a category 5 (wind over 280 km/h) that crossed the coast many many miles north of me will cause wild winds and storms here tonight. Coupled with high tides, there will be local flooding.
I expect there will literally be no beach left here when it’s done with us.
I have to post this on a lighter note: the cute-as-fuck sign language interpreter who is accompanying the storm warnings is lighting up social media. He’s adorable (and I’m sure, professionally excellent!).
My gym-going has been interrupted by medical stuff, but I’m asking some knowledgeable friends for advice on my workouts since I’m (as always, it seems) lacking in motivation. I’m (as always) still going to the gym and doing pilates, but I’d really like to feel more ‘raawwwrrr!!’ about it.
It’s not necessary, really, but I’ve been in maintenance mode for a long while and while that sounds like it should mean ‘remaining at my peak’, it really means ‘slipping backwards’.
I never really wear makeup unless I’m REALLY trying to glam it up (which is rare). I’m just too lazy and it just seems like too much trouble. Also, I’m not good at it (I imagine the ‘never doing it’ and ‘being crap at it’ are related… heh), and any makeup I have is about a hundred years old (except for my deep red ‘book autograph kissing lipstick’, that’s new!).
Lately, though, I’ve become a bit curious, so being me, I did a bunch of research (ooh, a project!) and bought some makeup-ey bits and pieces off the internet (eye liner!, lip liner!, eye shadow! mascara! make up brushes!). None have arrived yet.
I suspect I will try a few things, look like a clown (did I mention ‘crap at it’?), and then those things will sit in a drawer until I throw them out. We will see.
I’ve seen a bunch of breakups and the fallout thereof amongst friends and fellow bloggers recently. It hurts my heart. There is a temptation to think that it’s just not worth it.
But even when I was going through the horror and pain of my last breakup (it still surprises me how long ago that was!), my one abiding thought was ‘It was worth it, absolutely 100% worth it’. If a relationship ends, and I have to bear the pain of it, I always want to feel like the hurt is a testament to that worthiness, that I’m honouring the relationship by feeling it.
Still hurts like a bitch though.
I hope anyone who is hurting thinks it was worth it.
So it’s Friday, it will be a weekend of storms. I’m taking it easy, being gentle with myself. I hope you all have a stellar weekend.