I am doing fine. Thank you all for the kind thoughts and the support. I appreciate it very much.
It is disappointing, but I was pretty careful not to get too emotionally invested in it before meeting, so while it is sad, it is not really a heart-bruise, if you know what I mean. It’s more that I was so hopeful and the hopes are now dashed than dealing with the pain of “I truly thought he was the one”. There is sadness and disappointment and there are random swimmy depressing thoughts, but not ‘hurt’, if you know what I mean.
At the moment, I am settling back into normality. It will take a little while, I think.
The hardest thing is that I now don’t have that same exciting anticipatory contact full of promise and flirting that I had in those months before I left. It was so full of wonderful possibility, of potential for heart-aching happiness. I miss it madly.
Still, e and I are being sweet with each other in the aftermath. I miss threatening to punch him in the sternum, and he misses being threatened (see how sweet we are?!). We essentially spent 2 weeks in each others pockets, we talked and laughed and teased and bristled and argued and generally became really close, despite the fact that there was no chemistry. We are patting and nudging each other a little with cute emails, so there is some loveliness there as we each adjust.
On the upside, I am beyond glad that I don’t have to deal with the stress of figuring out next steps, including the logistics of relocation, if it HAD been wonderful. So there’s that (see that, that’s positive thinking, that is!)!
I wrote this on the plane, feeling an exhausted self pity and loneliness.
Please don’t read too much into it. It is the ultimate in self indulgent crap, really, and like all of these things, it is a moment’s snippet and while it lingers a little, it is already over and I am not wailing or tearing my hair out. It will dissipate soon enough when I have had some sleep and recalibrated a little. I just figure that if I am sharing things here, well, there are these moments also.
___
I am sad and lonely and feeling sorry for myself… I have just taken drugs, so expect I will be asleep soon, but in the meantime, I am so fucking sad.
It is about e, but it is also about opportunities lost, about wishing for more, about yearning, it is about fear, it is about being so fucking tired I can’t think straight.
I don’t often feel like this, but I am indulging it. I’m allowed.
I feel the kind of passion I want so fucking rarely that it’s almost like a myth, I am made sad by imagining its rarity: at its worst, it makes me feel a little desperate and a little hopeless.
I (finally) felt ready to open up to someone new, and it hurts my feelings that it didn’t work out.
I am just… disappointed and tired and I want to sleep for a week.
e and I had such a sweet goodbye that I am sad about that also now. Gentle touches, tight hugs, tenderness, and mutual ‘sorries’ that it didn’t work out as we had hoped. It was worth a try, really it was, but it makes me fucking exhausted to think about trying to find the energy and interest to have a go at it again. Right now it seems like so much work to even be open to it, I can’t imagine having the motivation to think about it, much less to do it.
I wonder sometimes if I will just be alone for the rest of my life, or if I will settle for a sweet boy who loves me madly and for whom I will feel a lukewarm kind of sweet affection. The thought is so depressing that I could cry.
And now a baby is crying up the front there and I know exactly how she feels. Hungry, tired, alone, upset, frustrated. Don’t let them shut you up, baby… you cry all you want. When you are a grown up, you aren’t really allowed to do that anymore, it is self indulgent and immature and rather pointless…
Soon, I will fall asleep. When I wake I will be close to home and I can shake this off, and start to get back to normal. Whatever that means.
Self indulgence is not normally my thing. But fuck it.
*sigh*
Just… fuck it.
I don’t generally drink much: I am kind of a lightweight with the drinking.
However, I am cleaning up this place that I have been staying in for about 12 days, and there are five empty wine bottles in the corner. In addition to this domestic drinkery, most nights I have gone to e’s place where we have a few drinks, then we go out, maybe to dinner, maybe to a bar, and… yes, you guessed it… have a drink… or two, maybe three.
He sent me a text just now:
“We drank two bottles of wine last night.”
Tonight, we will have some wine over the fabulous dinner that he is cooking, then we will go to a cocktail bar.
I’m not worried, really.
*hic*
___
I’m going out, I’m gonna drink myself to death…
Welcome to e[lust], the sex blog round-up- The best posts from the hottest and smartest sex bloggers all in one place! This edition highlights topics such as STI’s, swingers and poly relationships, spanking, role play and so much more. Want to be included in e[lust] #34? Start with the rules, come back in February to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
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Erotic Writing
A Great Fuck
all my weight on her
Afterglow
a Masturbation Story
Bunco Night!
Fag-Break Fuck
Having him in my mouth
hypnopompic Apparition
Kiss Me There
Naked Underwater
Sodom: Enter the Fist
Soothed
Starvation
Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
A Beginner’s Guide to Spanking
A Matter of Lube
Attraction, Rejection and Uncertainty
Bad Vibes, Generally
Fluidity: Growing-up Poly Part VI
Going Down
Making Love
Never Pinch a Sadist
Near Outing due to Outrage
Porn, Pubic Hair, Sex & Reality
Sadie Says … Remember Santa Barbara
Kink & Fetish
Cruor
Hungry Beast
Later that afternoon – Part IV
Long-distance Roleplay & BDSM
Reflecting on Vacation Playtime: Part III: Tent Slut Slapped
The Dungeon Club
Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor
Odd Sex laws around the World
Post-Brazilian
We haven’t had a happy femdom story for a while, so I was really excited when this one arrived in my inbox.
Youthful exploration and happiness, plus some really wonderful feedback for me on how my blog helped a little (I can’t tell you how delighted I am about that!). I don’t know that it can get any sweeter than this…
Author: Aaron
I wanted to say thank you for putting yourself out there. I suppose I should have sent this to you when you were asking for happy femdom stories but I didn’t. So I’m doing it now partly because of the extra pressure the blog must have put on you recently. I’m thanking you for writing about what you do and being positive about it, because it’s meant a lot to me.
I suppose I started reading your blog when I was 18… oh gawd that was a long time ago. I bet I discovered it by googling “femdom blog” because that’s how high school me rolled. At that time I didn’t really understand my feelings and I felt a lot of shame. I found myself attracted to things that made me feel very confused, especially after my lust had worn off. Of course this kind of thing in porn ranges from painfully awkward to squicky- for the most part. I bashed myself for having these thoughts and I interpreted as some sexualized manifestation of self-hatred. I told myself I’d stop looking for it, stop fantasying about it, and stop reading your blog after some scary bits about pee buckets.
But I came back to it, again and again. I came back to your blog again as well, reading it off and on. I still disregarded my feelings toward d/s as a phase or something like it. It wasn’t until this past summer when I met my girlfriend that I started to accept my sexuality. Katherine was wonderful, confident, empathetic, and sex-positive and it all made talking with her so easy. We met and she asked me if I’d like to talk with her some more later and before I knew it we were dating and I was telling her everything. And then one night I let my guard down and linked her to your blog.
I expected her to be appalled or something. I guess I didn’t know her very well then. She smiled and we talked about it and it felt so right. As we talked together it became clear that it was something that she was looking for too, just that it would be a while before she did anything like that with me. So we continued dating, hanging out, sharing with each other, and every so often talking about d/s. Time passed and I became impatient because despite our conversations our sex life was very vanilla. I asked her if she only talked about d/s with me because I had an interest in it. She was hurt by that. Katherine told me that she had been reading about domming and she felt an immense amount of pressure to get it right, to take care of me properly, to not lose control. We talked for hours that night about what we wanted from our relationship and we ended in a pretty good place.
The next night we played for the first time. It was cute and we both ended up laughing but we kept on going and having fun. As we went on we started to get more intense and maybe it started to go too fast. I ended up having a relapse of guilt over d/s and I worried about it constantly. I thought it made me less of a man, less of an independent person. Thank god Katie has some sense in her and supported me through it. She was so wonderful and after many long conversations I was starting to come over. I guess I had this idea that what we were doing was just part of my phase that I could walk away from, and I was scared that this was who I was. But thanks to her I started to feel comfortable about being a submissive male. I knew what I wanted and I wanted to be hers.
We started off slow again and it was amazing. Of course we have had rough patches. Two novices learning d/s from each other are going to run into some problems. I learned a lot in the months that followed about what I needed to do in order to make d/s work: I need to trust that Katherine knows what’s best for both us sexually. She absolutely decides when play happens. Her desires absolutely come first. Saying ‘no’ is not something that can be done casually in d/s and has ramifications to the dynamic.
We both are still learning how to be good partners, but it’s so exciting to explore it together. And here I am now, writing to you with the dirty words still visible on my chest, written in sharpie two nights ago. I love her to pieces and I’m so happy I’m hers. And to I have to thank you, Ferns, for being a positive resource out there for me to find and share.
So thank you for writing about sex and relationships and d/s and all that stuff. Thank you for being a kinky role model to us. And we still read your blog too, especially when Katie has me read to her until she falls asleep. She’s super cute when she’s dommy and sleepy.
___
This post is part of a project to share happy, positive femdom relationship stories. If you have a story and are willing to share it, please email it to me (ferns at domme-chronicles dot com).
Subject: Thank you for tonight
Hello e,
Not just tonight, but for every day and night since I arrived.
Seriously, you have been amazing, kind, generous, entertaining and overall lovely.
So, thank you.
Ferns
I want to post something just to get my last off the top of the page.
I’d like it to be something more interesting, but emotionally, I am kind of tired of looking inward, and physically I am just tired. No doubt I will dissect this and rabbit on about it endlessly when I get home, but for now, I am pushing introspection aside.
Despite this trip not turning out as I had hoped, I am having a wonderful time and e is going to a lot of effort to look after me, which I love of course. Last night, over a wine tasting, he walked me through our ‘calendar of events’ for my remaining time here (no kidding, he has a calendar). I added ‘shoe shopping’ and ‘harness shopping’ to it (which were on our original ‘to do’ list, and which will have a different flavour now of course, but still, the range will be much more extensive here than at home, so I’m still keen to do both). Our schedule is filled with food and wine and art and some social events. Given that I am by nature hideously anti-social, the change of pace is probably good for me.
As for e and me: we have an easy warm and familiar affection, lots of laughter, teasing, and gentle touching. He is naturally very ‘gentlemanly’, which is lovely to be around. Having said that, he is also terribly bossy, which makes me laugh, and when we clash (which we do), it is often because we are butting heads about random minor things where we have misunderstood each other, or we have opposing opinions, and neither will give way. I sometimes just agree with him with a resigned “Ahh hmmm…” because I really don’t like to argue (I suspect he would argue with me about that… heh…), and he rolls his eyes at me a lot. If we lived in the same city, I think we would be great friends.
I’ve already forgotten what is in the schedule for today, but I will go and shower now, try to wake up properly with more coffee, and look forward to heading out into the relentless sunshine.
