So the question for you all is – how do you communicate best? Within the dynamic or by stepping outside of it?
I see some form of this question come up from time to time and I suspect I normally give some answer without giving it a lot of real thought. This time I’m not really even answering the question at all. Ha!
I know that I’ve done poorly at times with creating a safe space for difficult communication. This came home to be very clearly recently when my first submissive got back in touch with me and revealed some things that I wasn’t even aware of. In short: Instead of coming to me with something really serious at the time, he quietly kept it to himself and was horribly, irrevocably hurt by it. So obviously I had failed at making him feel safe enough to talk to me about something difficult.
So I’ve had to take a good hard look at myself, and while I think (hope!) I’ve gotten better at a lot of things since then, I am very aware of the fact that I choose very sensitive men whose primary focus in our relationship is to please me, and I love that about them. But that makes them very reluctant to do or say things that they know will not please me. This is not something I cultivate on purpose, but it’s a pattern I’ve seen even in my vanilla relationships, and the nature of D/s exaggerates that tendency.
I’ve (erroneously at times, I think) thought that my partner would bring things up as they need to, but I think I probably need to work a bit harder on facilitating those communications so that he feels safe. Given my experience so far, I think I would achieve that best by making it part of our dynamic (that is, to do it as part of ‘the rules’). If it was just part of how we related in our lives, it wouldn’t be a problem: It would just happen naturally and I wouldn’t have to ‘do’ anything to make it happen. But because I’m a bit of a steamroller, I don’t think that actually happens, so I need to give it a nudge.
For me, when I’m in a relationship ‘how we relate’ is pretty fundamentally D/s, and that colours everything in the relationship, and I think it can create a barrier to communicating the hard stuff. By ‘fundamentally D/s’, I don’t mean we’re acting all D/s-ey all the time, what I mean is that I choose men with whom the power dynamic exists because that’s how we are together. It would exist even if we pretended we were vanilla, and in that, it reflects pretty much every vanilla relationship I’ve ever had. I’m a powerful energy and I choose men who enjoy that, but there are consequences that brings that can be unhealthy and I’m pretty sure I haven’t been as aware of that in the past as I should have been.
No matter what, I’m still learning.
Firstly, thanks so much to everyone who voted in my poll and to those who gave me their thoughts in the comments. I really appreciate your input.
This is the poll outcome:
The results showed that releasing my book in 3 smaller, cheaper volumes is probably worth a go.
So I’m going to go ahead with my cunning plan. I will:
- Release Domme Chronicles Volumes 1, 2 and 3 on the anniversary of the original book release (December 15th)
- Price them at $2.99 each
- Offer Volume 1 at 99c to anyone who pre-orders
A pre-order means that I will make Volume 1 available before the December 15th release date and it will appear on Amazon as a ‘pre-order’. You will be able to buy it as a normal Amazon purchase, but you won’t be charged until it’s released: As soon as it’s released, the charge will go through, and the book will be automatically delivered to you.
As soon as it’s launched, I’m increasing the price, so you will only be guaranteed the 99c price if you pre-order.
I will announce when pre-orders are available here on my blog and on Twitter, so keep an eye out if you want some great value femdom hotness!
And *drum roll* the covers!
She felt feral when she was around him, reduced to some base animal that had to have him. She circled around him; wary, watching, distracted by others, curt nods soon sending them away. He knew she was there, of course he knew. But he never looked directly at her. Even hunters can be easily spooked.
Instead, he casually engaged with others, made chat, laughed appropriately at jokes, nodded with interest at another someone’s story. Occasionally he would separate himself from the herd and take some quiet moments in dark corners, waiting to see if she would come for him. Idly browsing a bookshelf, refilling a drink, sitting quietly on the stairs. Disappointed each time that she still didn’t approach.
He was downstairs watching a small group playing music when she was suddenly standing over him. A guitarist finding her rhythm with a bongo player, a vocalist quietly humming along: none of them gave a second’s notice to the woman standing over the man lounging on the floor.
He had a second to register her feet beside his leg. The thought “Oh, heels…” had time to form before he raised his eyes to her face. His slow smile was still expanding when she crouched down beside him and looked intently at his face. His smile wavered, his expression became a question mark.
She wanted to slap him. He was so beautiful she wanted to slap him, watch the shock and the recoil and the fear of it. Maybe he would try to shuffle away from her, a backwards scuttling. She’d be quick, though, to grab the collar of his shirt and hold him there. The thoughts flickered over her face like a strobe light slideshow of desire.
She bared her teeth and hoped it looked like a smile. She reached out to touch his face, he pressed his cheek into her hand, stroking himself against her fingers. She held back a growl.
“You’re coming with me,” she said.
“Yes,” he said. “I am.”
“How should Masters/Dominants try and help their submissive/slave move forward? What, according to the Dominant are they owed? What do THEY owe their submissive’s in turn? What kind of post-relationship aftercare is provided due to the intensity of D/s relationships in comparison to vanilla ones?”
My D/s relationships are monogamous, romantic, love-based partnerships. When they end, we are both a mess, and at its best, we both try and be gracious and kind as we move on.
As the dominant, I’m not somehow less hurt, less of a mess, or less emotionally distraught than my submissive when that happens, but I still tend to feel a sense of responsibility for taking the lead in how the breakup goes because that’s how our relationship has worked up to that point. That feeling doesn’t just disappear because it didn’t work out (ditto all the other feelings).
My last submissive broke up with me, and I STILL worried about him and his well being in the aftermath. I still felt like I was looking after him, but I know that at least part of that was that I needed to do that as part of my healing (similarities to the aftercare in play: I do it for me as much as for him). It’s not something he would expect or that I feel obligated to do.
And sometimes that responsibility means that I have to make hard and hurtful decisions for the greater good. Like ‘No, we won’t have any contact for the next 2 months so that we don’t keep this wound festering’.
Do I ‘owe’ him that because I’m the dominant? No. It’s a choice I make because it feels right for me in dealing with it.
Either way, break ups suck. Really really suck.
“Oh baby,” she whispered.
He opened his eyes slowly, lazy eyelashes fluttering as if they were weighted, as if it took all of his strength to manoeuvre them open. He managed a moment’s connection, catching her gaze briefly before they closed again.
“Hmmm?” It wasn’t a question, not really.
“Oh… baby,” she whispered again, her breath hot against his ear, all the desperate need for him floating in the air, all the things she never said, all the sweetness, the adoration, the love.
“Baby…” he whispered back, acknowledgement, confirmation.
She half smiled, no energy left to expend on moving those muscles, she inched even closer to him even though all of their flesh was already conjoined with sweat and exhaustion and there was nowhere to go. He shifted closer also, symbolic symbiosis that she felt at her core.
Her mouth against him, she said it again, drawing out each syllable in slow motion, almost a sigh.
She thought she might cry, all her emotions thrumming a cell’s breath away from the surface of her skin.
He made a sound, a close-mouthed whimper, and she knew he heard her in exactly the way she needed to be heard.
She wanted to kiss him, but even as she thought about the mechanics of reaching for him, she felt herself drift off to sleep, her fingers twitching against his flesh.
There is a lot to be said for being able to see how potential partners interact with others.
I have met pretty much all of my submissives online, so before we meet, the most I can see of them beyond our private interaction is how they communicate with others on social media, and wow, is it telling.
In isolation, they get to be whoever they want, their best selves, the person who wants to impress.
But if I can see them in discussion forums, on facebook, on twitter, on their blog, I get a much wider sense of ‘who they are’ as people because they aren’t behaving in a certain way solely to present a particular persona to me.
And wow, it’s so telling.
Some of them might not even know I’m looking at them, but if I’m at all curious, you can bet I am.
Recently, I noticed a submissive man because of his posts in some discussions. They were smart, well reasoned, unconventional, strident opinions. I looked at his profile, not quite a fit, but still really appealing, tall and good looking. I sent him a complimentary note, he responded sweetly, but didn’t open up further discussion. That was okay, I would pursue it if I decided it was worth it.
And I watched him with interest.
And slowly, I changed my opinion of him without ever talking further with him. He expressed his thoughts strongly and with intelligence, but would think nothing of belittling opinions and people he didn’t agree with. He didn’t display any awareness that he was being insulting to people, and when called on it, he got angry and more aggressive, belligerently refusing to acknowledge any mistake on his part, blaming everyone else, and then declaring himself a victim and refusing to let the issue go.
It didn’t at all matter to me whether he was right or wrong in those arguments (and to be fair there was misunderstanding and blame on both sides, but he was at the centre of this happening more than once), the fact that he relentlessly hammered at the dead horse without seemingly any capacity to empathise or seek reconciliation was more than enough for me to go ‘aw hell no!’
It’s a thing I love about the internet: people reveal themselves unintentionally in so many different ways and that light often illuminates them better than they will ever realise.
So yeah, unsurprisingly I never did pursue that conversation with him…
Paltego over at Femdom Resource often links to interesting articles, this one more interesting to me than most.
On 18th November, Yvonne van den Bergh outed herself as a Domme to avoid being outed by a stalker. I was baffled by the whole thing at first when I went looking around for how it was playing out, but when I realised that she’s a pro Domme, it started to make a lot more sense. How anyone in the public eye could expect that to remain a secret is beyond me, but it became obvious that even if she’s an actor, her primary income is from her pro-Domme business, and she is cleverly using this as an opportunity.
She has a Fetlife profile with a full face picture which she added after the story came out, so she is obviously not planning to lie low (though honestly, if I saw a Fetlife profile with a known actor as a photo, I’d be all ‘yeah sure, you fake!’ over it).
The whole story is very low key which I’d love to think means that nobody is blinking an eye over it, but it actually leads me to believe that a) South Africans are less puritanical than some other places and b) she’s largely unknown, even in South Africa, so nobody cares. Her Facebook post explaining how she got into BDSM got very few comments, which of course would not have been the case had she been a high profile star.
It’s obviously great publicity for her pro-Domme business and I’m pleased that she seems to be facing it head-on with honesty and candour. Even though there seems to be little public outcry and pearl-clutching outrage, there are still obviously personal impacts for her. She has two children, for a start, and having to tackle that, and the reactions of friends and family is no small thing.
I have to admit that I would have been much more interested if she had been a very popular personality who was dominant in her private life to see how that unfolded in terms of public reaction (though obviously I wouldn’t wish having to deal with that on anyone!). It will be interesting to see if it blows over in the next week or so, or if it gathers steam.