There is a lot to be said for being able to see how potential partners interact with others.
I have met pretty much all of my submissives online, so before we meet, the most I can see of them beyond our private interaction is how they communicate with others on social media, and wow, is it telling.
In isolation, they get to be whoever they want, their best selves, the person who wants to impress.
But if I can see them in discussion forums, on facebook, on twitter, on their blog, I get a much wider sense of ‘who they are’ as people because they aren’t behaving in a certain way solely to present a particular persona to me.
And wow, it’s so telling.
Some of them might not even know I’m looking at them, but if I’m at all curious, you can bet I am.
Recently, I noticed a submissive man because of his posts in some discussions. They were smart, well reasoned, unconventional, strident opinions. I looked at his profile, not quite a fit, but still really appealing, tall and good looking. I sent him a complimentary note, he responded sweetly, but didn’t open up further discussion. That was okay, I would pursue it if I decided it was worth it.
And I watched him with interest.
And slowly, I changed my opinion of him without ever talking further with him. He expressed his thoughts strongly and with intelligence, but would think nothing of belittling opinions and people he didn’t agree with. He didn’t display any awareness that he was being insulting to people, and when called on it, he got angry and more aggressive, belligerently refusing to acknowledge any mistake on his part, blaming everyone else, and then declaring himself a victim and refusing to let the issue go.
It didn’t at all matter to me whether he was right or wrong in those arguments (and to be fair there was misunderstanding and blame on both sides, but he was at the centre of this happening more than once), the fact that he relentlessly hammered at the dead horse without seemingly any capacity to empathise or seek reconciliation was more than enough for me to go ‘aw hell no!’
It’s a thing I love about the internet: people reveal themselves unintentionally in so many different ways and that light often illuminates them better than they will ever realise.
So yeah, unsurprisingly I never did pursue that conversation with him…
Paltego over at Femdom Resource often links to interesting articles, this one more interesting to me than most.
On 18th November, Yvonne van den Bergh outed herself as a Domme to avoid being outed by a stalker. I was baffled by the whole thing at first when I went looking around for how it was playing out, but when I realised that she’s a pro Domme, it started to make a lot more sense. How anyone in the public eye could expect that to remain a secret is beyond me, but it became obvious that even if she’s an actor, her income is from her pro-Domme business, and she is cleverly using this as an opportunity.
She has a Fetlife profile with a full face picture which she added after the story came out, so she is obviously not planning to lie low (though honestly, if I saw a Fetlife profile with a known actor as a photo, I’d be all ‘yeah sure, you fake!’ over it).
The whole story is very low key which I’d love to think means that nobody is blinking an eye over it, but it actually leads me to believe that a) South Africans are less puritanical than some other places and b) she’s largely unknown, even in South Africa, so nobody cares. Her Facebook post explaining how she got into BDSM got very few comments, which of course would not have been the case had she been a high profile star.
It’s obviously great publicity for her pro-Domme business and I’m pleased that she seems to be facing it head-on with honesty and candour. Even though there seems to be little public outcry and pearl-clutching outrage, there are still obviously personal impacts for her. She has two children, for a start, and having to tackle that, and the reactions of friends and family is no small thing.
I have to admit that I would have been much more interested if she had been a very popular personality who was dominant in her private life to see how that unfolded in terms of public reaction (though obviously I wouldn’t wish having to deal with that on anyone!). It will be interesting to see if it blows over in the next week or so, or if it gathers steam.
“We should write each other our hottest fantasy,” I said, triumphant at my brilliant idea.
I was in my mid-20s, in a wonderful relationship with a vanilla man who I loved madly. In hindsight, I have identified him as a vanilla submissive: the first man I found who could give me what I wanted in a relationship, the first man I ever fell in love with, the man to whom I compared all others for years afterwards, and they all came up short.
I had not heard of BDSM then, or D/s, or any of those things. But when I look back, I can give aspects of our relationship those labels, and they fit, and it all worked for us.
He looked at me, smiled. “Okay,” he said.
“Anything you want, your biggest secret,” I said.
We each went away and wrote out some hot story of desire and passion. A few days later, he declared that he’d finished his.
I told him to hand it over, but that I hadn’t finished mine yet.
He did, shy and sweet.
I read it.
To this day, I can’t recall what was in it. Not even a little of it remains. What I remember is that the content was romantic, tender, lovely. It was a story of seduction.
I’m sure I made all the right noises over it, I can’t remember.
What I remember was the contrast with my story, which was full of dirty-hot wrongness, non-consensual victimisation and helplessness, force and fear and careless objectification.
And what I remember was the immediate recognition that I could never share what I had written with him. I felt ashamed, and I felt the weight of wrongness, neither of which I had felt at all in the writing of the story, squirming in my seat, imagining whispering it to him and watching him react. In fact, I’m not sure that it had really occurred to me that it was particularly off-kilter until I saw the contrast with his.
I expect it was the first time I had ever thought to share what was in my head with someone because I loved him and I trusted him, and the shock of realising that he might be repulsed by it, and by me, is still with me. Maybe he would not have been, but the relationship didn’t need to change, there was nothing ‘doable’ in the fantasy, there was no compelling reason to share it, and the fear that he would find my thoughts ugly and disturbing made taking the risk completely not worthwhile.
I tucked that story away somewhere, probably masturbated over it many times, and I never showed him. The story exchange had been my idea, so it was easy to avoid reciprocating. Probably “Oh it’s not finished yet” was sufficient until the whole idea faded away.
Earlier I tweeted this:
This morning I received the most heartwarming email from a lovely woman who credits my book for having had a positive influence on her 20+ year relationship with her husband. I was moved almost to tears by her words. I felt both proud and incredibly humbled.
They were exploring a femdom dynamic, and she was enjoying it well enough, but while it was fun for her, the ‘how is this sexy for me?’ bit was missing.
When you look around for information about how F/m works, it’s often shown as a kind of transactional exchange *even when that’s not the intent*:
- She ‘does stuff’ to him if he’s ‘good’
- Less commonly, she has him ‘do stuff’ to her if he’s ‘good’
- If he does what she wants, she rewards him with something he wants
- She will do something he likes, and to show his gratitude he will do something she likes
In addition, there is a wealth of information out there about how to be a ‘good dominant’, about how to play safely, how to manage D/s, about learning skills, about different kinds of play.
Which is all very well and good, but none of that provides a very compelling picture of a loving relationship or a passionate sex life.
It’s *erotica* that not just explains, but *shows* how it can be hot and sexy and intimate.
Not porn, which is nearly always devoid of sensual context, but erotica that places you in a scene where there is passion and connection and intimacy, and that engages more of your senses than just your genitals.
So it DOES sound grandiose to suggest that erotica can open up possibilities, but I do think that F/m dynamics are still largely hidden which means there are few reference points to see how love and play might actually work. And having glimpses into how intensely personal, hot, and passionate they can be can actually make a difference.
And that kind of blows my mind.
When you have a submissive who doesn’t have hair long enough to grab and use to shove him around, you may have to get a bit more creative *smile*.
More ideas for shoving him around:
- A thumb or fingers in his mouth, hook around his lower teeth, grab around his jaw with the rest (no, he would NEVER bite!).
- Cup his chin, force his head back, squeeze his cheeks.
- From the front, hand around his neck right under his jaw, apply a little pressure with thumb and middle finger back up under his ears.
- Grab his ear/s.
- Eh, just have him wear a collar. Sorted *smile*.
There are some things I don’t talk about, well, lots of things actually.
They’re unacceptable for public consumption for various reasons. Sometimes because they are simply too personal, sometimes because they invade someone’s privacy, sometimes because they are too revealing, sometimes because there is no way to talk about them coherently, and sometimes because they are so far on the side of ‘wrong’ that they require a heavy handed justification and explanation and I can’t be bothered with that.
My ex boy was a revelation for me. He allowed me to explore things that I had never touched before. I am turned on by things that are extreme, undoable, frightening. Things I normally lock away in my head, never to see the light of day. He revelled in all of it and I trusted him implicitly not to be horrified, not to recoil from me.
One of the things we played with was the idea of me killing him. I’m not sure, really, who led who into the abyss, but we went there together.
I would whisper horrific scenarios into his ear of me doing just that as I hurt him. Describing graphic violence, tearing holes in his body, ripping the skin from his bones, shoving my hands and my cock into new orifices in his flesh and ripping out his insides as he writhed and screamed. Sometimes the violence was too terrible even for me and I would bring in other people to carry out what I could not. The floor would become slippery with his blood.
He wanted me to kill him, the ultimate surrender, for him to suffer in violent and terrible ways and have me leave what was left of him crumpled on the floor and to walk away when I was done.
It was a viscerally hot kind of interplay between us that came from somewhere primal and vicious.
It required an incredibly high level of trust. We had to know that neither of us would turn to the other in the aftermath with that look, you know the one, the disgusted “there’s something very fucking wrong with you” look that blames and retreats and is repulsed by what is revealed in those moments.
I don’t know if I will (or can) go there again with someone else. There was something very special about him that made me feel safe to reach into places that had never before seen the light of day: his reaction was always to find anything that I brought to him excruciatingly hot. Because it came from me.
I’ve ever felt that level of unconditional acceptance before, I’m not convinced I ever will again. I’m also not sure that’s a bad thing: it’s not clear how far that rabbit hole actually goes, but I do know I never hit the bottom of it. Not even with him.
I’ve had an idea and I want to see how it flies.
My Domme Chronicles book has been out for nearly a year now (I know, that’s AGES!!). It’s selling, but it’s hardly setting the world on fire. This is not surprising to me: I’ve done no marketing because I don’t have the appetite for that sort of self promotion, so any sales have been pretty much word-of-mouth. So I was mulling over how to make it more accessible while studiously ignoring that marketing elephant in the room.
As far as e-books go, mine is at a pretty premium price at about $5.99. It has some 460+ pages of content, so it’s pretty hefty, but still. I know that a lot of you have bought it (thank you so much!! *smile*), but I also think that a lot of people are hesitant to spend that much on an e-book, and fair enough.
On my path to converting everyone to femdommery and ensuring world domination, this is a barrier.
So, I’ve had this cunning plan to keep the original as-is, but to also re-release the content in three smaller, cheaper volumes of about 150 pages each. Most authors do it the other way (release a number of volumes, then do a ‘Collected Works’), but I’m hardly conventional.
So on the e-shelf would be:
- Domme Chronicles: Erotic tales of love, passion, & domination (original, full collection)
- Domme Chronicles: Erotic tales of love, passion, & domination Volume 1
- Domme Chronicles: Erotic tales of love, passion, & domination Volume 2
- Domme Chronicles: Erotic tales of love, passion, & domination Volume 3
- Cheaper to buy a single volume so people will be more likely to take a risk
- Less daunting content (468 pages is a bit full-on for an e-book)
- Opens up opportunities for heavy discounts on Volume 1 so people can see if they like it
- If they like it, they can either buy further volumes, or buy the full collection (i.e. the original)
- Dilutes the appeal of the full book which makes me sad
- I can’t really think of any others
- Release Volumes 1, 2 and 3 on the anniversary of the original book release (Dec 15th)
- Price them at $2.99 each
- Offer Volume 1 at 99c (holy fuck I’m a bargain basement Domme!!) at launch to anyone who pre-orders
(re this, if I get a decent number of pre-orders, upon launch there will be a sales jump and this makes it more visible on Amazon search and makes it turn up on ‘recommended’ lists which means wider reach)
I’d like to gauge interest in the idea, so I’d appreciate it if you could let me know what you think (ooh look, a poll!):
Do you think people would be more likely to buy (or recommend) a smaller, cheaper 'Domme Chronicles Vol 1'?
- Yes (60%)
- Maybe (17%)
- No (13%)
- Yes, but only at 99c (10%)
Thank you for voting!
And of course I’d appreciate hearing your further thoughts in the comments.