So I met a cute boy on the weekend.
Something that always stresses me out when meeting someone off the internet is the fear of not recognising them despite having exchanged photos. I hate it.
Photos are never enough to be sure (really, before meeting someone, we should exchange photos of ourselves looking a bit unsure and confused because THAT’S the expression we’re all wearing when we’re eyeing off strangers and thinking ‘Is that them? Is THAT them?!”).
I texted Drew before his plane landed: “Coming to your gate, don’t go anywhere :)” so at least we would have a contained location in which to find each other.
I watched people coming off the plane, then I saw him, or I thought so. I gave him a quizzical look, he gave me a quizzical look. I half smiled, unsure. He half smiled.
“Oh,” I thought. “Yes!” and relaxed.
Then he passed me and kept walking. WTF?!
“Are you going to walk right past me?!” I accused him.
He turned. Laughter, relief, awkwardness. Then hugs.
“I didn’t expect you to be THERE!” he said, by way of excuse.
I took his arm and off we went.
The plan was to have some champagne and snacks on my deck, walk on the beach, have lunch overlooking the surf, and then get him back to the airport. And to talk, to get to know each other a little, to give flesh to our internet personas (my spell check tells me that should be personae, but typing that makes me feel like a pretentious jerk). 4-5 hours was PLENTY of time for all that. But it wasn’t.
Drew is a complete sweetheart: Attractive, smart, funny, interesting, very open, and somehow ‘cuter’ than he seems from his blog writing. By that I mean ‘more adorable’ in a way that makes me want to sit in his lap, pet him, and call him ‘bear’ (for the record, that’s not because he’s hairy, just because I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY! Teddy-bear level adorable). We talked and talked, told secrets, laughed a lot, exchanged stories. It was so much fun.
Also, the man has some guns: wholly verified by making him flex while I felt him up.
We were so distracted by our conversation that the time flew and we didn’t actually get to lunch (I am the WORST host EVVAARRR!). Also I forgot to get him to say ‘Yes Ma’am’ in his Southern accent. But he did serve me champagne in my own home and I got to kiss a double gold star gay, so I’m not complaining *smile*.
And there’s always next time.
Drew wrote a completely wonderful post about our get-together from his perspective: you can read it here.
I haven’t posted a picture of any fabulous heels in forever! Since moving to the beach, I can’t really justify frivolous heeled purchases because wearing them to the local surf club seems like overkill (to be clear I HAVE worn heels to the local surf club and it was totally overkill *smile*).
This pair was a generous gift from a very sweet submissive man on Twitter. They are a fabulous nude colour, with sky high heels, and delicate ankle straps.
I just love them.
I got this question in my Asks and it was a really good one, so I wanted to devote a post to it.
Read your most recent post on the Texan. May I ask why you refer to him or other men like him as “boy”? Perhaps it is a reflection of my age, but no adult male I knew would hear this word in any other way than an insult. Is this something the two of you discussed before hand? Is it not hard to relate to him as an adult when your name for him is “boy”? Thank you.
These are such a great questions, thank you for asking them.
Firstly I want to say two things:
- I completely understand your perspective. It’s similar to my reaction to being called ‘girl’ or being referred to collectively with other women as ‘girls’. I find it patronising and disrespectful and entirely inappropriate.
- I do not address submissive men I don’t know as ‘boy’ and I do not refer to submissive men collectively as ‘boys’** in a non-personal context EXACTLY for the reasons above.
** I want to explain this further because a simple search will show that I have used ‘boy’ and ‘boys’ in quite a few places here on the blog.
In a BDSM context, the terms ‘boy/s’ and ‘girl/s’ have a place where they fit beautifully. Not for everyone and not all the time, but in the right circumstance.
I use ‘boy/s’ in a variety of ways (ref: search for ‘boy’ on my blog):
- I called my last submissive ‘my boy‘ here on the blog, and I literally called him ‘boy’ when I spoke to him, as in “Come here, boy.“
- I refer to particular individuals as ‘a boy’ sometimes when I’m talking about them as in “I’m meeting a cute boy“..
- My category for pictures of beautiful submissive men is called ‘photo – pretty boys‘.
- I sometimes use it collectively to refer to submissive men as a group in a personal way, as in “boys with sex voices“
There is nuance in determining when it’s okay to use it, and when it’s not: for me, when it’s personal or I’m talking subjectively about the kinds of things that resonate with me, I’ll often use ‘boy’. The term *makes* it personal, it speaks of affection and sweetness and desire. So I’ll use it if I think it expresses that more clearly.
Do I ask before I refer to someone here as a ‘boy’?
No, I don’t (and just to clarify: there’s a difference between ‘referring to’ and ‘addressing': I do NOT addresss the sex-voiced Texan as ‘boy’).
My first post about the sex-voice Texan was entitled ‘Boys with sex voices‘ and I went on to talk about that voice (phew!). I did not discuss it with him, but I used it affectionately, and I knew him well enough to know that he would like it.
Mostly when I refer to ‘boys’, I either know them, I have interacted with them in some way, or I am talking about how I relate to submissive men in a personal way, and it’s the *personal* nature of it makes me feel like ‘boys’ is more fitting. It brings them closer to me.
Do I ask before I *address* someone as ‘boy’?
Again, no. If I’m addressing him as boy, then that’s a pretty big deal: I am being super personal with him and know him well enough to be sure that he’ll think it’s sweet and intimate and special, which is how I intend it. I don’t EVER address random submissive men as ‘boy’. That’s very personal for me.
Now back to ‘why’ I use it.
In a D/s context, it’s a way of being sweet, or of acknowledging or reinforcing the dynamic.
So when I refer to submissive men as ‘boys’, I’m more often than not talking about them in a subjective and personal way as they relate to me: “the boys I like”, “I talked to a sweet boy today…” etc.
And when I address my submissive as ‘boy’, I’m saying “I see you, I’m acknowledging our dynamic, and THIS is who you are to me”. It’s intimate in the same way it’s intimate when he addresses me as ‘Ma’am’. Those words deliver a little thrill of the dynamic very simply. And if I say ‘good boy’, it’s like that on steroids. And no, I do not at all have any trouble relating to him as an adult when I call him that.
Things I DON’T do (because it’s completely the wrong context):
- Address a man I don’t know as ‘boy’ just because he identifies as submissive
- Address a group of submissive men I don’t know as ‘boys’
- Refer to submissive men as ‘boys’ in discussions or on forums (i.e. in a non-personal context)
I find all of those disrespectful and inappropriate.
The sex-voiced Texan is contemplating his options.
“I like you a ridiculous amount,” he says to me while he is deciding whether to turn away from this or not. Whatever ‘this’ is exactly.
He has made some decisions that leave an impending visit far enough away for it to become something vague and untouchable. In light of that, he is disappointed and hurt and sad. He is right to be. These connections that you can form remotely are confusing, and intense, and often pointless. He has no experience with it, and he has reached the feeling of aimless sadness much sooner than most. Generally, the joy has to be waning for that feeling to be front-and-centre. We were nowhere near that yet.
There are two choices with this sort of thing:
a. It runs out of steam because there’s nowhere for it to go
b. It becomes a necessary inevitability to meet and we do something about that
He jumped straight to the second quickly, and with a plan in place, he was running at me with a delightful enthusiasm. With his plan scuppered, he is floundering.
Because what are we doing?
I felt him withdrawing before he brought it up with me, his reluctance was palpable, even over this distance. He didn’t want to disappoint me, he said when he came to me with it.
I want so badly to fight for him, but it would be unfair. I could talk him into making the decision I want, but being aware of my power in that is exactly what makes it wrong to exercise it. And really, I don’t want to talk him into it: he either leaps eagerly into the fray because ‘fuck it!’ or he needs to let it go.
So, I’m waiting.
And quietly going mad.
And hoping he will stick it out with me until we reach either a or b. If it’s a, well okay then. If it’s b, we will work something out. We hadn’t hit either of those yet.
I miss him.
Long long overdue, though to be fair, the movie wasn’t actually released here until November…
I was emotionally engaged from the start with Charlie as a character.
Harrison Gilbertson (who’s actually 21) is wonderful as the 16 year old boy struggling with events in his life. He has an amazingly expressive face that leans towards vulnerability easily, and he plays a very vulnerable character. I could not stop searching his face for hints of what was going on with him. He delivers just the right notes of hurt, angry, confused and throws some beautiful cheekiness in at times also. I found him immensely appealing.
By contrast I found Emmanuelle Béart’s character, Maggie, to be unsympathetic. She was brittle and unpredictable and I think she found in Charlie the first kind of ‘unconditional love’ that she had ever had. It wasn’t unconditional, of course, but I think she felt it that way and she wasn’t sure what to do with that.
Both characters are horribly flawed and behave terribly which is more understandable in the boy than in the woman. To a point I made before, though: you can’t have a story about happy healthy people in happy healthy relationships and have anything to show on film.
The development of the relationship doesn’t quite gel for me. Despite a scene of Charlie masturbating furiously in the shower over Maggie, and him declaring her ‘amazing’ and ‘magnificent’, there is no feeling of any kind in it. No affection, no lust, no love… rather, there’s a strange detachment that makes the unfolding events seem contrived.
It is not a movie about BDSM. I also didn’t get a ‘BDSM as therapy’ vibe from it at all (the description of it makes no sense to me now that I’ve seen the movie). It was more that BDSM was her job, he liked her, and he confused her job with ‘who she was’. She demurred, but then went along to an extent, and from there they developed a bit of a co-dependent relationship. There was a mother/son, mistress/sub, older woman/younger man mix going on there. It was more of a ‘lost souls finding solace’ story than anything.
She’s a pro-Domme with all the trimmings, and we see that, but it’s not the focus of the film. There are some hints that she has an interest in dominating outside of her profession (with him anyway), but it isn’t really made all that clear. I saw indications of it, but whether it was intentional or simply how she behaved when she was protecting herself is hard to say. She was deeply broken and flawed so it was hard to form a full picture of who she was.
There were some really disappointing BDSM scenes which were totally in character but did not represent BDSM well. The boy giggling in secret at some puppy play with a client and her allowing it, so they were both making fun of the submissive behind his back. Her losing control when giving him a beating (which was at least a way to see his lovely face in pain… oh my).
But there were some erotic D/s moments as well which showed a really sweet interplay between a dominant and her boy. He liked HER and his interest in BDSM was to please her (though his version of ‘pleasing her’ seemed misplaced). There were some sweet scenes with him seeking comfort, particularly looking to lay his head in her lap. There was also a really fun (and funny) scene by the pool where she served him tea and she kept hitting him with a crop because he had no manners. He was shocked and surprised “What?! FUCK!” and she tried to keep a straight face, but they were both affected and amused by it. It was really quite lovely. I thought those scenes were well done, and had relatively realistic overtones.
It was less a ‘BDSM as healing’ story and more a ‘finding comfort where you least expect it’ story about dealing with grief and anger and sadness. Overall I enjoyed it, but if you were hoping for a representation of relationship-based D/s or love-based BDSM you will be sorely disappointed.
These questions landed in my inbox via my ‘Ask me’ page… Thank you for them!
This is a bit difficult to word so bare with me please (:
I have denied my Top side for a very long time.
When I was single I could be quite aggressive sexually and then I met my husband. He opened up a softer side of me and I have become very comfortable letting him lead. Now I find myself thinking about “activities” that I would love to do but my husband is both extremely hetero and kind of a macho man and I know he is not remotely interested in these “activities”. I crave these things and am not sure what to do… Any advice?
My first question is: ‘How do you know he’s not interested? Have you asked him?’
I think we sometimes don’t give our partners enough credit. Though I 100% do understand how we all get into our rather rigid roles in a relationship and it can be hard to break out of them, I do think many things that we think might not be on the table can be if we are brave enough to bring it up.
I’ve not met a man yet who didn’t like to experiment in the bedroom. Nor have I met a man who wasn’t willing to try new things with me if I told him I found them hot. Granted, he may not like them all, and that’s okay, but it’s truly worth asking about some of the milder activities.
I think if what you like is ‘extreme’ for a vanilla man, you may well run into resistance (heavy pain, humiliation etc), but lots of milder forms of BDSM are hot for anyone who participates in them regardless how ‘hetero’ or ‘macho’ he is. Sexy stuff should be sexy and hot: start slow and light, let him know how much you like it, how much it turns you on, give him lots of reassurance.
Given the ‘hetero’ comment there I’m imagining you like anal play, which I know many men are scared of (silly silly things), so if pegging is your thing, don’t lead with the whole shebang: maybe start with a massage where you ask him to trust you to simply give him sensation around his arse without penetration etc.
So my advice: Bring activities up as hot sexy things you want to try, tell him how hot it makes you to think about doing those things with him, go slow and light, and see how it goes.
I’ve read your blog for a long, long time now but never got up the guts to ask you a question. I recently ended an interaction with a submissive man (long story, won’t get into it) but essentially it came down to me feeling that he gave off a lot of signs of someone who was emotionally abusive. The thing is, I seem to run into a lot of these. Where my internal red flag just goes up UP UP.
I am not naturally a distrusting person, I do not think everyone is bad or out to get me. So I do know that it’s not that. I am beginning to wonder, is it how I interact? Is there something inherently different about how a submissive male functions that I might be misreading? I know this is an odd question but I couldn’t think of where else to ask it!
Hello there, thank you for being a long (long!) time reader *smile*. I’m so glad you got up the guts to ask your question (though I do apologise that I am so slow in answering!).
I’m assuming from how you used the word ‘interact’ that you mean online because mostly if it’s in the flesh, people use other words (dating, relationship etc).
Firstly no, there is nothing inherently different in how a submissive man functions. Nor how a dominant woman functions. We are all people, we live in the real world, we relate on a human level, we have jobs, kids, bills, worries, triumphs etc.
There ARE, however, lots of fantasists, deluded people, liars, users, not-nice-people on the internet. On both sides. From a woman’s perspective, you have to get VERY good at identifying the men who fit those categories and weed them out as soon as possible because there are SO MANY and they will be all up in your inbox because you are female and identify as dominant and hell, that’s every porn clip they’ve ever wanked to personified.
It takes time to learn how to screen for them, but the simplest advice I can give you is this:
If a man can’t have a normal conversation with you, where he relates to you like you are an interesting human being who he would like to get to know, then he’s clearly showing you how he sees you: believe him and move on.
If he leads with kinky stuff, what you will do to him, if he can be your slave, if you ever did x with a previous partner, offers his arse for pegging, etc etc, forget it. If he talks about something in your profile, a comment you made somewhere, world news, art, his dog, the last book he read, the latest computer games etc, THAT’S a normal conversation.
You asked if it was you. I doubt it. Though what you can do to avoid actively attracting the wankers is to ALSO not lead with sex or kink (no salacious pics, no ‘what you will do to him’ in your profile, no hot fantasy stories etc). If you have those and like having them out there, there is NOTHING wrong with it (goodness knows I’m all over that shit here), but be aware that it opens the door for men focussed purely on that stuff to land on your doorstep yelling ‘Me, PICK MEEEEE, Goddess Supreme Ruler of All The Universe!!’
Best of luck.
Did you ever go and see the movie “My Mistress”?
Curious what you though of it if you did.
I did. I had the review written months ago, but got distracted by shiny things, so I haven’t finished it.
Soon, greg, soon…
Oh this section is completely what I need. A delphi-domme oracle.
My problem is that vanilla dating is just about making me cringe with tedium and if I have any more pleasant chit chat I’m going to be retirement-home-ready decades before I should be.
I don’t need a genuine domme. My natural submissive nature is about reverence and the thrill of being led rather than physical masochism. Somehow though I’ve been perverse in a not-good way and I’ve been speaking with perfectly nice women who are not taking charge.
Oh Oracle why is this so? Is it because I’ve foolishly sought physical attraction in prospective partners, rather than seeking hints of assertive, alpha-female tendencies? Is it because I just don’t tell my nice companions “by the way I’m a natural submissive, so you’re completely in charge in every way”. And what the hell is one supposed to do with nice women anyway? They’re everywhere like a plague and I can feel myself becoming nice in their presence, kind of like the way colours fade in delightful sunshine.
Please tell me why Oracle.
This made me laugh:
“I can feel myself becoming nice in their presence, kind of like the way colours fade in delightful sunshine.”
*laugh* Touché. I’ve always considered ‘nice’ to be the worst kind of insult. It’s right up there with ‘pleasant’. To me, you may as well just come out with it and say ‘bland’ or ‘boring’.
Well, unless you say ‘Niiiiccceee': that’s different :P.
My advice, grasshopper: Stop dating vanilla women and expecting them to be dominant.
Ferns, aka the Domme Oracle
Hi I had a session with a mistress first time and wanted cbt,but when she performed cbt ex: hot wax , abrasion , clamps clips she only applied it to the outside of the penis she did not pull back my foreskin so that I would actually feel the sensation. Is it common knowledge among mistresses or should I mention it? I feel awkward asking her to retract my foreskin. Thank you
It doesn’t matter if it’s common knowledge or not (I have no idea): if you want something specific, you have to ask for it. I understand it might be awkward. Just explain to her that you don’t really feel those sensations as much if your foreskin isn’t retracted and you would really like to experience the intensity she is delivering.
I’m a young Domme, less than a year into exploring my dominant side. I’m one of the lucky ones that got to explore this part of myself with my first boyfriend, who at the same time got to explore the submissive part of himself. It comes naturally to both of us, and honestly we can’t picture it being any other way.
I have to thank you, because along with exploring came researching, and your blog was one of the first that I stumbled upon. I love it, and it managed to make me feel a little less weird – and more comfortable with who I am in general. I really can’t thank you enough for that.
I do have a question. Since I’m fairly new, and only eighteen, I still have a very hard time getting out of my head sometimes – that is to say, sometimes I can’t just relax and stop worrying about life in general to be as in-control (or at least feel as in control) as I want to, especially in play with my boyfriend. It doesn’t get in the way a lot of the time, but it still bothers me. So do you have any advice so that I can get out of my own head?
Thank you again, so much
Oh, A.M., what a lovely note, thank you so much!! I’m so delighted that you got something out of my blog *smile*, and you are so very welcome. I really appreciate you telling me so.
As to your question: I don’t think that what you’re experiencing with struggling to get out of your own head is at ALL unusual. I think for many women, it’s a really common issue, not just to do with D/s, but I know a lot of women struggle to orgasm because their heads get in their own way. So frustrating!
If it’s part of your relationship with your lovely submissive, if there is anything that he can do to take *care* of some of the things that clutter your mind, have him do those. I suspect, though, that you are struggling with more esoteric things than ‘I need to get that washing done’.
You can try some pre-play rituals to get you into the right frame of mind. They might short-circuit the distractions a bit. It could be something as simple as setting up the room how you like it, same way every time (candles there, crop over there, cuffs here, some rope around the headboard – even if you don’t plan on using those things it’s the mood creation more than the ‘stuff’). You can teach your submissive how to do it, so that you are setting the scene together. Then he can do it by himself while you watch.
Or maybe you would like a massage from him, or to give him a massage.
It doesn’t matter what the ritual consists of, it’s just a way of settling your mind and focusses you on the here and now, and on him.
Congratulations to you both on finding each other :).
im a 41 year oldmale and I have never done anything like this before. I saw your ad on backpage. how would I go about seeing u and what type of evening will we have together Anthony nnn-nnn-nnnnn
I have no idea how this happened…
I understand your point on people doing what they say they will. It is an important element in any relationship of any type. May I ask if you hold yourself to that same standard? Do you do as you say you will, or do you feel that as a the dominant one you have a the prerogative of not following through? Thanks much and certainly enjoy your writing.
I already answered this in the comments, but I’m answering again because it’s important.
Yes, I hold myself to the same standard. I do what I say I will.
Just as I need to trust him, I need him to trust me.
how does it feel to be a domme? what are the plus and minus side to it?
Plus: I get all the cookies :).
Minus: Sometimes we run out of cookies because I ate them all :(.
Plus: That’s okay because my submissive will go to the shop and get more cookies! :)
Did I mention it’s awesome?
Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so it’s all secret squirrel business…