There are a large number of newbie submissive men who seem to think they are the odd one out if they don’t just submit to everyone.
Usually those observations have this hideously aggravating flavour of special snowflakedness. They display a stereotypical view that has obviously come from a lack of experience or exposure to real life D/sers, and that has much to do with online silliness and I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT (you KNOW I want to blame porn, but this isn’t even about the sexytimes part).
Their view is usually stated something like this:
‘Oh, I’m not like all those OTHER submissive men who are [weak/passive/shy/socially awkward/doormats] and who are submissive to everyone, I only want to submit to a special woman who I really like. I’m obviously a speshul snowflake.
I try to be kind, truly I do. I understand that there is a bunch of misinformation out there that cannot be avoided. I know that it takes time and experience to learn what BDSM is about, what D/s means, how it looks, and that in the majority of cases it doesn’t at all reflect the superficial layers that assault the senses anytime you see any easily accessible information that claims to be representative of D/s.
But mostly I just want to give them a good hard shake and say, “No. Seriously. You aren’t some special snowflake outlier. Stop perpetuating this horrible stereotype with your self proclaimed ‘othering’!!”
Here’s an analogy:
I’m a heterosexual woman. I am attracted to men, and I want to have relationships and sex with them.
NOBODY thinks this means that I want to indiscriminately have teh sex and relationship with every man I meet in every situation just because I’m a heterosexual woman! NOBODY THINKS THAT. And if anyone did, we’d rightly look at them as if they were socially deficient and didn’t understand a single thing about how human interactions work.
I only want to have a sexual relationship with an amazing attractive interesting man who I find fascinating, I want him to be submissive to me, I want him to be fucking funny and awesome and have a way with words and be thoughtful and sweet and to look at the world with gentle eyes that makes me soften. That’s the man I want to have a relationship and the mad sex with.
Most submissive men are EXACTLY THAT WAY in how they express their submission: It’s part of how they relate to a particular individual who they respect, trust, care for, even if their relationship isn’t ‘conventional’. I’ve never actually met a single submissive man for whom submission means that they will submit to random women, people they don’t know, the checkout operator at the supermarket, that stranger in the gas station, those people at work, that lady driving past, the neighbour next door, ANYONE. It’s patently stupid.
And out in their everyday lives, some PEOPLE (vanilla, submissive, dominant, switch etc) are shy and socially awkward and passive and anxious and followers and have great manners and are kind and considerate and do things for others and a whole bunch of things that are nothing to do with D/s-type submission. NOTHING. If someone wants to identify those personality traits as (additional) reasons to consider themselves submissive, that’s their right, but in and of themselves, those characteristics are not indicators of D/s-type submission.
THIS pervasive fallacy is why people (including me) tediously go on to newbies about going to munches and meeting people in real life. Not (necessarily) because it’s such awesome fun (though it might be), but because some newbies need to get rid of that shit in their heads, and actually meeting real people who are involved in D/s relationships is the quickest and easiest way to do that.
I can’t stop anyone from believing this kind of thing by shouting about it, but every now and then I have to SHOUT ABOUT IT.
It’s my birthday, and as is the annual tradition here on my blog, I am gifting you a nude photo of me.
So happy birthday to me *smile*.
Please send more champagne. I haven’t had nearly enough yet.
And click the ‘likes’ button so I feel loved. Well, at least so my breasts feel loved…
My sister will be here with me for my birthday on Friday. She will arrive tomorrow, so I will be struggling under the weight of her company already by the time Friday comes around.
We will drink too much champagne, talk too loudly, gesture too wildly, eat too much junk food.
On Friday evening, we will get dressed up like we never do, put on make up, and heels, and we will go out for cocktails and a fabulous dinner, swishing about like a couple of 6’2 polar opposite twins, she with her dark bob, me with my longer blonde locks. We will get at least one person exclaiming how alike we look, an observation at which we will scoff because it’s so untrue, and we will make faces at each other because it always happens, so we both know it has a grain of truth despite our scepticism.
And the day after my birthday we will be worse for wear, tired and a little sorry in the morning chill. Her daughter will arrive with my Dad and the three generations, my entire family in this country, will put on our celebration faces and there will be some presents and lunch somewhere with a view, and probably more champagne.
And I will be exhausted by the time they leave the day after that. Five days of company, I will be working hard to be civil, and they will see it and they will know. They are used to me by now.
And despite the fact that I will be itching for them to leave, I will truly be grateful for them, and I know that they will forgive me my lack of grace. They are good and fine people who love me: my sister will have flown in from Fiji, my niece will have flown down from up north, and my dad will have driven more than an hour to spend this time with me.
I’m very lucky.
At what age did you figure out you were a domme?
I found out there was such a thing as BDSM when I was about 30.
Before that, I did the work to figure out how to work with power in my relationships, but I had no context within which to put a label on it.
Hi! I love how dominant girl you are. Yes, I am a fuckable guy! My email is [redacted].
I would first like to say thank you for your blog. i have been reading it for some time and have found it very interesting and informative. My mistress is also a big fan and she requires me to read it often along with many other femdom blogs.
My question is in regards to how a slave should behave during his punishment? I imagine there have been times you have had to punish a slave for mistakes or bad behavoir and i would like to know if you would prefer to see your slaves take punishment silently, no whinning and begging for mercy and this sort of thing? Or would you prefer to hear his cries becuase it shows you that he is indeed learning his lesson and suffering for his mistakes? I am askign because i am often beat and punished by my mistress and i do not know if i should try very hard to keep quite or is it okay to express my pain?
I would really like to do whatever will make mistress happy and be most merciful?
When the punishemtns are severe i find it difficult to control sometimes crying or begging for mercy but i don;t want to make her angry or be annoying or disrespectful in anyway. I am sure this is a very unusual question but not sure.
For some reasons i have not found it easy to ask my mistress this and she is not stated one way or the other what she would prefer. Again, i can not always control this especially when the punishments are extreme but i would like to try very hard to just keep quite if you feel it will give me a greater chance at mercy and will also show more respect?
Any advice would be very appreciated.
Thank you so much for the compliment. I’m glad you and your mistress are enjoying my writing.
I do have a punishment dynamic in my relationships, but I don’t do corporal punishment, so I have nothing useful to say about this.
But EVEN IF I DID, what I think is irrelevant to you and your mistress. You can’t ask other people what will please your mistress or make her react a certain way: That doesn’t work.
My advice: get over your reluctance and talk to your mistress about it.
Best of luck.
A thought suddenly struck me and after realising that I am a clueless naive boy who knows nothing I decided maybe ferns would know better … What is at all any do you think is the difference between male and female doms ?
(Based on any parameter you like … Their motivation, approach to domination, what they get out of it, etc.)
I think it’s an interesting question, but I also think it’s unanswerable. I think it’s a mistake to try and generalise styles of dominance based on gender. I’m not convinced that those kinds of generalisations have any value, and I don’t have enough anecdotal information about maledoms to make any useful personal observations.
So I’m afraid I’m going to have to shrug and say ‘pass’ on this one (you waited a while for this non-answer didn’t you? *laugh*).
My Dearest Ferns it seems after three beautiful months the boy I was involved with has simply disappeared. We had been arguing about little things in the prior week and then one morning I woke up to nothing. No email. No text. No answer on his cell. I became distraught. We have known each other for two years and I feel like I have lost my friend and a piece of my heart. My question is what now? I was thinking of taking a hiatus and recuperating emotionally. How do I approach another in the future without lingering on the past?
a loyal fan
Oh, I’m so sorry this happened to you :(. That really sucks.
I have been slow to get to my Asks, so I’m hoping that you have at least partially recovered by now. I assume that you weren’t in a position to go to his house and say ‘hey, what happened here’?
How do you approach another? With an open heart and wishful thinking and fingers crossed. You risk heartbreak every time you get involved with someone. That’s the cost of entry.
Though I guess if he was remote, since it’s much more difficult for people who are local to just ‘disappear’, you might want to avoid that situation for a while.
This morning I had a dream: “She kissed me, her hands slowly wandered down my back, feeling every detail, reaching my ass, and staying there: She stroke my ass-cheeks, kneading them. It electrized me, excited me. “Turn about!”.She turned me, untied hastily my belt and tore down my pants. “O how beautiful!” She grasped my ass again from behind with “full hands spread”. “How I love your ass!” Her claws digging themselves into my flesh, tore the cheeks apart, penetrated the cleft, massaging everything. A slap, one more.. I got almost crazy..”- Is that unrealistic? Is it just a male fantasy? It’s completely against the role-division! I never read that women are attracted to men’s asses as vice versa. I really get excited when I imagine that the man’s butt awakens her sexual feelings, her sexual desires as much as vice versa. But is that the case?
You post some (well-shaped) male butts and write “pretty, beautiful”. Do you mean that in a just aestetical sense, or could it excite you, already just seeing them? And – I hope it’s not too personal – what are YOUR fantasies, dreams then? – I hope I am not too “strange”,”mad” or “perverse”.
– Thank you very much, and all the best!
Of course some women get excited about their man’s arse. And some women get excited about men’s arses in general.
Personally, I don’t get aroused by strange men’s butts: when I post pictures of them, it’s because they are pleasing to me. I can appreciate the beauty in a lovely arse, or forearm, or back, or shoulder, or… well, most body parts frankly.
And if he is my own boy, pretty much everything about him has erotic potential, including his arse.
I have read a great deal on dominance and submission and have experimented with several aspects. I am not new to it. I do not have a chip on my shoulder concerning it except for one thing. If I read ten articles, blogs or tumblers, if I talk to ten people at least eight of them use the term “vanilla” with a disparaging tone, as if it is less than. Less emotional. Less exciting. Less rewarding. And the one that really irks me, less intimate. Why the distain? Or is it just because most people feel their way is the best?
It irks me sometimes also.
And yes, it’s because they want to believe that BDSM relationships are more intimate, deeper, more meaningful, more honest, and generally better than vanilla relationships.
But what they are really saying is that THEY were incapable of having vanilla relationships that felt as if they reached the same level of intimacy, depth, meaning, honesty etc. Which is fair enough.
I think there are little pockets of ‘better than thou’ in most things to be honest. It seems to be an inherent part of human nature.
I can’t leave the subject, I hope I don’t bother you with it!
So: Society is completely silent about the attraction of the male ass for women! And women also don’t (dare to?) talk much about it. Women present their asses, almost “offer” them – men don’t, they cover them, even hide them. If I would wear tight pants, people would, I fear, think I’m gay! But for me (very “straight”!)it’s also a very erotic zone: Every touch by a woman there is very “erotisizing” for me immediately.
But there is still the great uncertainty: What does a woman feel – viewing for example your posts of naked men from the backside? What does she think, imagine, fantasize in that moment when she sees those “pretty,beautiful” male butts? What do you think? Of course, women are different – but there are several “polls”/samples which say, that most women look “at first” on this part of men’s body. Why? I saw this photo you posted some months ago of several women drawing a naked man. But they draw his “front side”! His back-side was presented to the viewers of the photo, and it was again “beautiful, pretty” – but never drawn by women! Why?
All artistic works presenting the naked male body were made by men, from the Antique via the Middle Ages to the present, and, I suppose,all the artists were gay (Michelangelo!). I suppose, the desire(s) of the women simply were not so “interesting/important” for the (male-dominated) society. But then the men rob themselves of a part of their own: Nothing excites me more than to know: (Also)This part of the(my)body arouses her!
I am curious to know your answer, your opinion. –
A happy weekend for you!
I can clearly see that this is important to you and you seem to want reassurance that some women really do love men’s arses and are excited by them. They do and they are. But I’ve answered already and haven’t anything more to say about it.
But I will say this: If you convey an obsession about it, women are going to find it off-putting, just as they find men with a single minded focus on any fetish off-putting. So be careful with that.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and it’s been really inspiring to me, so first of all, thank you for sharing your experiences, ideas and impressions with us! It has helped me to feel more comfortable with my condition.
I’ve been struggling because I’m a domme but for the first time I’m in a relationship wit a submissive, and we’re happily in love. We’re discovering each other, exploring our limits and everything works fine, except for the emotional side. There are days where all I need are cuddles and him taking care of me, but I’m afraid at some point he may be the needing one, and since he follows my lead, I think he won’t ask me or tell me when he’s in need of that affection because all he wants it’s to see me satisfied, but as my submissive, I want to take care of him as well when he needs it, do you have any tips to work on it? Should I tell him directly or give him extra hugs whenever I feel like (which I do, but that’s not the point). Thanks in advance!
I’m so glad that you have been getting something out of my blog *smile*.
And congratulations to both you and your submissive on your loving relationship.
I think it can be common for submissive not to want to say when they want or need something because they are all about pleasing their dominant. It can become a real problem because that’s fine when things are going really well, but when things get rocky, that can be a barrier to communication, so if you can get it happening when things are going great, it will stand you both in good stead.
My first suggestion is to be clear with him that you want to know what he wants, how he feels, all that. Make sure he knows that it’s something you require of him, that it makes you happy to know these things. That might not be enough, though, because it’s hard to do that and it might take some serious encouragement.
So if that goes nowhere, you can set up a time every week to sit down and have a talk. In it you can ask him about his emotional state, if he’s getting enough hugs/affection/whatever. To push a little, you can insist that he ask you for one thing right now (a hug, a kiss, a pet, something), just so he gets used to the feeling of asking, and sees how happy you are to hear it and to give him that.
If he has trouble with that face to face, he can write things down for you instead. You can make it a daily thing, or a weekly thing, or whatever suits. Then you can read it and see what his emotional state is and act accordingly.
Good luck to you both. I wish you continued happiness together.
Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…
I’ve mentioned before that I send out emails to submissive men who look interesting to me. Well, I say ‘submissive men’, but on OKCupid, I also sent emails to interesting-looking vanilla men (holy fuck beautiful eyes was one of those). I know I’m not the only (dominant) woman who does that.
And I know that a lot of submissive men would have this idea that the result of me doing that is a foregone conclusion. The man replies, is beside himself with shock and joy, puts his best foot forward, and we hold hands and merrily skip away.
That’s not how it works.
I don’t send a form letter, I don’t send anything rude or demanding. My first email depends a lot on what’s in their profile, though I guess it’s still somewhat formulaic. If I liked their profile (and I did or I wouldn’t bother), I will send a compliment and will riff off something they said to start a conversation.
I get a fair number of ‘no replies’. I’m not bothered by that, they don’t owe me a reply, but I’m sure there are many people who are really surprised by that. Because they buy into the notion that submissive men are a dime a dozen and all are eager and excited at the amazing opportunity my contact represents. Nope.
I sent out two emails on CollarSpace in the last week or so. One of the men was local, the other was in-country, but not close to me. The first didn’t reply. The second replied in such a lacklustre way that I quickly lost interest after a couple of exchanges and called it done.
The first: eh. The second, though, got me thinking. If someone expresses interest, you still have to bring your A-game. I’m not sure if this guy just wasn’t interested, if he didn’t HAVE an A-game, or if he truly thought he was bringing it, but he failed spectacularly at engaging my interest from the first. His reply to my first email was two sentences in reply to a question I asked. I tried to carry that conversation a bit further, and the next response was again a sentence or two answering another question I had asked. That was it. It was like pulling teeth. And I was done.
With the second one, if he just wasn’t interested, his behaviour was perfect for putting me off without saying it out loud. If he was AT ALL interested in chatting further to see if there was any compatibility there, he made it very difficult for himself.
So yeah, if you think that women don’t send out first contact emails, you’d be wrong. And if you think that they have a much higher chance of success than the reverse, you’d be wrong about that also.
As a side note, I have a terrible memory, so I do get worried sometimes that I’m emailing someone who I’ve tried to talk to before. And that’s just embarrassing…
In general, I’m a pretty happy person. On a scale of 1-10, I’d say I average somewhere around a 7-8 in my every day life.
Sometimes, though, I feel like there is something wrong with me.
Mostly it’s some vague niggling thing in the back of my mind that lives there quietly and doesn’t bother me. In a lot of ways, I just don’t seem to function like other people in the world, and that’s okay. I realised this long ago and slowly, but I do remember some pivotal moments where I made decisions that changed who I was in the world. We all do this of course, and we all think we are special snowflakes, right?
Occasionally though, this feeling peaks and I look at myself and feel like screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”
The annoying thing is that for someone with what I think is a pretty healthy level of self awareness and introspection, I can’t put my finger on what it is or why and I have no clue how to fix it. An early symptom of it is that I lose the desire to write, even for myself. I can’t organise my thoughts, can’t hold firm to ideas, exercising that intellectual energy suddenly becomes all too hard.
You will see it in this post, written in this frame of mind. It veers from one vague thought to another and ends some 180 degrees from where it started. I’m not going to edit it. It probably illustrates what the wrongness feels like more clearly than the words.
I wonder sometimes if I have some kind of mild mental glitch: a touch of ‘something’. I have no idea what. Just something ‘not quite right’. I used to be worried that I was some kind of low level sociopath due to the way I was detached from most people, seemed to have no need for human connection, have such a weird disinterest in bonding, though I’ve looked it up enough times to double check and I don’t have the lack of empathy that seems to define it. I’m not sure if there is such a thing as a ‘neutral’ sociopath: Someone who doesn’t engage with other people like a normal person, but who doesn’t wish to harm anyone to further my own ends.
On the rare occasion when I actually make a connection with someone, I feel ‘normal’. Or what I imagine normal feels like. Perhaps ‘whatever is wrong with me’ is part of why the connections I do make are so all-consuming for me. They are so rare and precious that I value them beyond imagination and throw everything I have into them.
And these kinds of thoughts come to the surface when I’m feeling like I am now. A vague kind of worry and discomfort, a restless flightiness. I am not myself.
I don’t feel ‘depressed’ exactly, but I do feel adrift, restless, obsessive, unfocussed and everything is just so much trouble. I’ve read enough to know that that might be some kind of mild depression. The feeling doesn’t stop me functioning: I go to the gym, I do pilates, I interact with people normally, all that. But underneath it feels like I’m struggling.
I know something is wrong with me, and part of how that manifests is that it highlights ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH ME. Like some dark creature that feeds on itself. I’ve been here before and I know it will pass. It’s just frustrating.
I still remember a long ago ex saying to me, “You always do what you want, but you’re never happy.” I’ve thought about that a lot over the years and it scares me to think that he might be right.
Sometimes I fear that I don’t know how to be happy.