Lifting out

Creative Commons BY-SA 4.0 mark'Passion fruit' by Paul Munhoven

Hauling myself out of a slump is tricky. If I try too hard, I rail against myself like I somehow want to see me fail. It’s ridiculous, and yet it’s true.

I mentioned that I signed up to this 10 week challenge at my gym which is meant to be all full-on, and it can be, but given I’m a bit broken I’m taking it relatively easy.

What it’s about for me is having an external goal to think about vs just rattling around inside my own head like some demented ferret. And the gym-driven program gives me some system of support (NOT because I’m going to talk to anyone else doing it… no no no! Just because it’s not ‘a thing that I made up for myself’). It’s about having a time-bound external project to point myself at so that I’m not just digging myself into a bigger and bigger hole of slumpiness.

This is week two.

I’m doing  pretty well.

I talked to a personal trainer about how to work around my shoulder, I have a new routine that includes those considerations, that means I’m comfortable working out more and am not just doing lower body week in and week out. I’m trying to pay closer attention to what I eat (seriously, I had 100g of chicken with broccoli and spinach just now for lunch: I MEASURED OUT 100 GRAMS OF FUCKING CHICKEN! Go me *pats myself on the back*).

I feel a bit better with this external focus. Not anywhere close to skipping off at 100% ‘me’, but improvement is improvement, and I’ll take it. I’m calling it a tentative win.

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Unrelated random thing: I have some high-end body lotion that I got for Christmas. It is ‘noni infused’, but it smells like passionfruit. I slather it on my feet before I go to the gym. I figure that sock-covered-lotion-feet getting all hot and sweaty will get fabulously soft.

This means that when I get home from the gym and take off my socks and shoes, I get the glorious aroma of passionfruit wafting all around me. I swear, I feel like some Goddess whose body naturally exudes this amazing scent out of my pores.

Oops, I mean “I am a Goddess whose body naturally exudes this amazing scent out of my pores…”

 

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Free Book: Come get it!


The first in my ‘How To’ Femdom Series is “How to Write An Awesome Online Profile: For Submissive Men“, now available on Amazon.

It’s short, sharp, and practical and includes a before/after example. If you’re a submissive man stuck on writing your profile, or you just want to revamp what you have, this is a useful place to start.

As fabulously loyal readers, I’m giving you a second chance to get one for free if you missed out the first time. Did I say FREE?! Yes, yes I did!

Just click here to sign up to my mailing list before 23rd Feb (no spam, I promise, and in fact you will probably hear from me so infrequently you will completely forget that you signed up… :P) and you’ll get a free copy in your inbox.

Or, you know, you could just go buy it *smile*.

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e[lust] #91

Welcome to Elust 91

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #92 Start with the rules, come back March 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Forcing Growth

In Stitches

The Instrument and the Ornament

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Imagine? You Might Wish You Hadn’t!
she’s picture perfect

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Morning Stretch

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

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Some whine? Don’t mind if I do…

I’m in kind of a slump. I’ve been here before, it will pass, but talking about it is better than not talking about it I guess.

Being slumpy makes me not want to do things that I know will help me lift out of the slump because my brain goes ‘But I don’t waaaaaannnt to’ like a three year old. So it’s a self perpetuating slump. A never ending circle of slumpiness. Slumposity (they are so real words!).

Working on my ‘How To’ Femdom Series is helping some. Having a project to work on that I care about is good for my brain. It forces me to fire things up. The lovely folks on my mailing list already have a copy of the first book, so there is actual proof that I’m doing *something* other than hiding in a hole. A public release will be coming soon, just ironing out some glitches.

Along those same whiny lines, I have had a shoulder injury for more than 6 months now (I’m too scared to really look up how long I’ve had it, I’m thinking it’s closer to 12 or 18 months). I’ve been to the doctor, two physios, a myotherapist, had scans (no tears or identifiable damage), cortisone, needling, and am currently seeing a chiropractor. Please do me a favour and don’t tell me in the comments how to fix it: it’s well meant, I know, but it’s also irritating as fuck.

The injury has sapped me of any motivation to get to the gym because upper body work is pretty much off the table. I’m still doing pilates twice a week, so I’m not schlepping on the couch but my body is not happy with me. I feel ‘blergh’, you know that feeling? BLERGH-slobby-heavy-sluggish. Yeah, that. The irony of that feeling is that I never did any exercise EVER for my entire life (it’s a new thing in the last few years) and I always felt fine. Now I have created a body-monster that accuses me with narrowed eyes when I don’t give it enough attention.

Next week I’m starting a ’10 week challenge’ at my gym. It’s a murderous regime rife with the potential for injury, but I need an external kick to push me out of this physical and mental space. I’ve told them I’m injured and they have assured me they will work around it. They will give me a body scan before and after to assess results, I will get an eating and training plan, a personal training session, four group training sessions a week, and supplements to suit. I’m exhausted just writing it out. But I think I need it. Like a smack upside the head.

I feel a bit like everything inside me is empty and I need to fill it up, and I fear that there is a black hole in there that I can slip into if I don’t get out of my own head a bit. Doing something challenging that takes up physical and mental space and that I can legitimately whine about seems like a reasonable option.

Did I mention that the first group session is at 6am. What the fuck time even is that?! FFS!!

So here’s the first anticipatory whine: “But I don’t waaaaaannnnttt toooo *throws tantrum*.”

Addendum: Please don’t worry too much. It will pass and in the scheme of things it’s no big deal. Sometimes I just need to be a whiny bitch.

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‘How To’ Femdom Series

Given I’m kind of paralysed with my writing here on the blog at the moment (bah!), I’ve decided to kick myself up the arse and start a new project.

I’m going to write a series of short, sharp ‘How To’ guides for new dominants and submissives based on questions I see in my Q&A repeatedly.

I think many questions that newbies have are universally common, and it would be great to have easily accessible resources that address them. I have already written about some of these (obviously, because many came in as Q&As), but the content is often piecemeal and it is quickly lost in the depths of all of the posts here.

The guides will be short, light, and friendly, and will offer easy-to-follow practical tips.

Not ‘you must’ or ‘you should’ (because fuck that noise!), but some practical steps aimed at anyone going ‘HALP WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!’ The objective is to give new folks a hand to get off the starting blocks, not necessarily to walk them through all the nuanced complexities of ALL THE THINGS.

The fabulously talented Submissive Guy Comics has kindly given me permission me to use his art for the series covers (thank you so much!). I’ve created some light colourful cover designs around them that reflect my intent.

So far I have the following topic ideas:

  • How to write a profile (for submissives)
  • How to approach a dominant woman online (for submissives)
  • How to stay safe when meeting (for both dominants and submissives)
  • How to make your first scene amazing (for dominants)
  • How to figure out what sort of D/s relationship you want (for both)
  • How to deal when your submissive says ‘no’ (for dominants)

You see the sort of thing I mean.

What I would love from you, dear readers, is to hear more topic ideas. No doubt some will be outside of my experience, but if I have knowledge to share on the topic, I’ll add it to the list.

If you are experienced on either side of the slash, what sort of questions do you get all the time from newbies?

If you are new, what topics do you wish you  could have had practical advice about early on?

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Note: Join my mailing list and you will get a free copy of the first in the ‘How To’ Femdom Series in your hot little hands (see this post for more details).

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e[lust] #90

Welcome to Elust 90

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #91 Start with the rules, come back February 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Conflicted part 1

Glow

Happy Endings

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Please You to Please Me

How to suck my cock – part 1 (attitude)

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Visions of Sugarplums

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

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10 steps to make your first BDSM playtime amazing

This is for new dominants. Secrets. Shhhh… no telling.

So you’re a new dominant and you’ve met a submissive someone who you really like and click with and you’re heading into your very first ever play session. You’re probably scared shitless (it’s okay, I won’t tell). Nerves are normal: taking something that has lived in your head as a fantasy out into the real world with an honest-to-god real submissive partner is scary as hell. Trying to hang onto a ‘dominant headspace’, all confident and sure of yourself, can be really hard when the voice in your head is all fear and doubt.

This post is for you: It’s the information I wish I’d had when I was a baby Domme and didn’t have a clue what I was doing. I really wanted someone to just ‘tell me how to do it right’ and what I got instead was ‘you’re the dominant, you get to do what you want’ which was rage making and not at all useful.

Firstly, if you’re doing private play do all the talk to get to know each other (at least) well enough that you both feel safe. Negotiate limits and safewords and make sure you’re both on the same page. None of this happens in a vacuum. There is plenty of information out there about safety (yours and theirs): I’m not going to cover it here. I’m going to assume you’ve done all that already (you have, right?!). I’m more about wanting to give tips for planning and for the play itself in this post.

So here goes:

1. Use a BDSM checklist and pick activities that are favourites for both of you

Both of you fill in a BDSM checklist* separately if you haven’t already (best to grab one that is editable, check what it has on it, and add any specific things that you like that you want to get their take on: many checklists skew M/f, so if you like cock rings or ball stretching or cross dressing, make sure they are on the list).

*The link downloads a zip file containing an editable version of the checklist I use.

Review their checklist and take note of the type of things that you both like even if they’re not the focus of play. By that I mean things like nudity, wearing cuffs, kneeling, slave positions, kissing, nipple torture, arse play etc. You can use that information even if you aren’t specifically making the play about that. For example, if nipple torture is something that’s on both of your ‘yes please’ list then you know that it’s okay to give them a pinch if you are teasing, even if that’s not your focus this time.

Choose no more than 3 or 4 specific BDSM activities from the checklist as your focus. Pick activities that you both marked as your absolute favourites and choose only things that you actually know how to do and will feel confident and safe doing. They’re the main blocks of your play: You will plan your time together around these things.

2. Write a little erotic story for yourself that includes those things

This is where you visualise how you see the play going using those things. You’ve probably done this in your head plenty of times, but this time it has to be realistic and detailed (how do you start, what do you want them to wear, what is the mood like, how do you talk to them, what do you want from them, how do you ask for those things, how do you move from one activity to the next, how will you check in with them, how do you finish the session etc). If your story is not super hot-awesome-fun for you, start again. It should make you excited.

The story will have things in it that you didn’t list in the previous step because once you play it out in your head, you will think of things you want to do that you didn’t consider. Double check that everything in your story is on the ‘okay’ list. While the 3-4 focussed activities should be on both of your ‘absolute favourites’ list, not everything has to be on it. So if, say, crawling is listed as ‘yeah, that’s okay’ for them, then as long as the play isn’t all about crawling, include it if you want.

3. Make a playlist based on the story

From the little story make a list of things you want to do in the order you want to do them. This is not a script, but you can take the list into the playroom with you: it will act as a prompt if you need it. You may not need it, and you certainly don’t have to stick to it, but it’s a nice little backup if you get flustered.

Tease your submissive with things that are on the playlist: This both builds anticipation and also acts as a check that they are excited about those things.

If you have ANY doubt about their enthusiasm, actually give them a list of possible activities (NOT your actual playlist because that maps out how you want the play to go) and literally get them to say an enthusiastic ‘yes!’ to everything on it: less subtle, but works great to dispel doubts that you’re on the right track, and having consent up-front can ease your mind (it doesn’t nullify in-play change-of-mind, but you can go in without second guessing).

4. Fake it ’til you make it.

If you don’t feel confident, act it. In the lead up and during play behave in a way that supports that feeling. I don’t mean be some blustery-bluster chest beating cliche or pretend that you are all-knowing and all-powerful: that’s just lying.

I mean find your voice and your stride and practice projecting them even if you are a little tremulous inside.

Dress in a way that makes you feel sexy and powerful, make your environment to your liking, give your submissive some instructions on what to wear for you or on what to do beforehand (doesn’t have to be anything huge, just asserting yourself), do some self talk that affirms your own amazingness, revel in the fact that someone likes and trusts you enough to do this with you, believe your submissive when they give you ‘that’ look, when they say ‘those’ words: They already know you’re all that, you just have to believe it yourself, or at least, act as if you do until you realise it’s true.

5. Prepare yourself and your environment

Get everything ready and have it to hand so you don’t have to go searching for ‘stuff’ once you get started. Planning on restraining them? How? Put ropes around the bed, attach the clips already, so all you have to do is clip the cuffs in. Planning on teasing? Have lube ready. Put out the blindfold if you’re using one. Need wipes? A towel? Some custard? Have all of that within handy reach.

To stress this, I’m saying it again: Wear something that makes you feel ‘raawwwrrrr’ level of awesome. Doesn’t matter what it is. You want to go full uber-domly domdom? Do that. You want to wear sweat pants and a t-shirt? Great. Nude is your thing? Go for it.

6. Have a starting and ending ritual

Signal the start cleanly. One idea is to have them kneel in a position that is hot for you, and maybe have them affirm their submission to you by repeating some mantra, or inspect their body, comment on how pretty they are, give them hints of what you are going to have them do, whatever works for you. You don’t have to put on a stern voice or be anyone other than yourself. Do what feels right, sexy, hot to you. They will feed off that.

At the end, it can be useful to have a ritual that signals that you are done. Perhaps a reverse of the starting ritual. Take the opportunity to segue into whatever aftercare you have agreed on, perhaps have them kneel, take off cuffs, gently touch and comment on marks if there are any, some literal petting, telling them what a good boy/girl/pet they were for you, how well they did, how proud you are of them etc.

7. Use a blindfold

A blindfold is both hot and disorientating for them, and a confidence boost for you. If you are nervous, it hides those nerves very well and it’s nice to know that if you do get flustered they won’t see you faffing about or checking the playlist or fumbling with things while you figure out what to do next.

8. Take things slow

It builds tension and it allows you to build up your confidence. And don’t be afraid of silence or stillness, even if it’s because you’re not sure what to do next. As far as your submissive is concerned, it’s your choice to be silent or still, and usually that makes them really nervous wondering what you are up to, which is just hot.

 

9. Check in with your submissive often

As well as paying attention to their reactions, checking in with them ensures that you are both having a good time. I mean, sometimes you ARE sure because it’s bleeding obvious, and it’s easy. But until you know your partner and their reactions really well, better to check in too much than not enough. It doesn’t have to be mood-killing:

“You doing okay there, baby?”

“Do you want some more?”

“Tell me where you’re at: scale of 1-10.” [obviously work out the scale beforehand: pleasure, pain, etc]

“Tell me how many more you want/can take.”

“If you want more, beg me for it…”

I want to note here that most submissives want to please their dominant, so pay attention not just to what they say, but how they say it. Ask them several times if you want more of a chance to gauge what they mean, “Are you sure? Really sure? Then ask me for it” or something similar. A reluctant ‘yes I want some more’ is a no. Err on the side of caution, always. You can talk about it afterwards and re-calibrate for next time if you misread it.

And if something isn’t working, stop doing it

Sometimes things just… don’t work. Doesn’t matter how experienced you are, the first time you play with someone, you just don’t know how they’re going to react to things. You can try and change it up a little bit to see if you can make it work, but if it’s starting to sap your confidence because it doesn’t feel great, don’t keep trying to beat a dead horse: move on. Your playlist can be helpful here.

10. Keep it short

Don’t try and create some huge performance out of it. When you get experienced and comfortable with yourself and with them, you may have play sessions that last for hours and hours, and that’s great. But for the first one, plan to keep it short so that you don’t feel like you’re under any pressure.

Let them know up-front that you are only giving them a taster, feeling them out. Better to end on an ‘aw, too soon’ high than have it peter out because you ran out of steam or ideas. Best outcome: It leaves you both (really really) wanting more.

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Here’s an example of what first play might look like for me if I did the above (reader’s digest version, not ‘ooh, hot erotica!’ version).

BDSM Checklist items:

  • Context (all things that are good with him that I might use): Nudity, body inspection, collar/cuffs/leash, blindfold, kneeling, crawling, kissing, biting, nipple play, face sitting.
  • Activities (the focus of play): Being restrained, tease & denial, flogging.

Prep: Put ropes on the bed with clips. Put cuffs, collar, leash, blindfold, lube, flogger, crop on the table. Maybe some other things also for misdirection. Wear lacy lingerie under pretty summer dress, favourite heels.

Playlist (what I would take in as crib notes in case I needed them):

  • Strip, hands behind head, body inspection
  • Kneeling, cuffs, collar on
  • Crawling on leash to bedroom, wait in the corner
  • Blindfold
  • Attached face-up to the bed, crawl all over him, teasing, biting
  • Kissing, offering body parts to his mouth for kisses
  • Nipple play, check-in for intensity
  • Facesit tease, but no
  • Release clips, re-attach face down
  • Flogger, light to heavier, check-ins
  • Tell him to lift his arse, teasing
  • Let him feel my pussy
  • Decide if he gets to come (unlikely for first play) and/or if he gets to make me come (even less likely)
  • Release clips
  • Wind down: petting, whispering, kissing, cuddling
  • Have him kneel, take off collar, cuffs, pour out all the sweetness

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Phew. I hope that’s helpful, gives you some ideas, a starting point at least.

And of course all of this is just my opinion, none of it is mandatory or sanctioned by some ‘Domly Board of How To Do Things’. It’s a springboard, and if you find any of it useful, that’s great.

In the end, do what feels right for you and your partner, make it hot and intense and awesome.

And most of all, have fun with it.

If any of my readers want to contribute other ideas for new dominants, please do. I know a lot of experienced folks read my blog: the more input the better.

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End of year roundup: Top five plus nude

As a proper blogger (shut up, I am!), I’m supposed to do some kind of summary, maybe some stats, deep thoughts for the year, some goals for next year, that sort of thing. Maybe even *gasp* GRAPH PORN!

But I’m spectacularly unmotivated to do any of that, so instead, here is a list of my most popular posts of 2016:

And since I’m much too lazy to do a proper roundup, let me leave you with this instead: A strap-on shot I quite liked from the set I took for my birthday nude. What more can you ask for? I mean, come on!

May you all have a wonderful, happy 2017 filled with love and light. And strap-ons. If that’s your thing.

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I am definitely 100%…

… wearing these shoes* over Christmas.

They don’t go with anything I own, they are hopelessly impractical, completely over-the-top for casual get-togethers, and I don’t care one bit.

I’m feeling stressed (already) with all the relentless peopling that is coming my way, bearing down like a freight train. Not just ‘peopling’, but ‘peopling while being endlessly cheerful’, which is the worst kind.

Wearing these will make me feel 85.6% more cheerful. Because MATHS.

*For the record, I intend to wear both of them, not just one…

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Reader Q&A: Dominant women struggle, turn-ons, limerence

 

In this exciting instalment of the Q&A, I answer questions about the following:

  • Getting my long term vanilla husband into BDSM
  • Young domme has shitty experiences and I get fist-wavey about it
  • Tasks?
  • Turned on by wife’s pre-marriage affair
  • Hot scene in Blade: unf!
  • Discipline: what do you do?
  • Limerence: how do you deal?

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it, though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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