I read a post on The Drew Duality that stirred up a flurry of tiny memories.
Drew had a bad night with his partner, not because of some huge fight, but because of a couple of exchanges where his partner hurt him unintentionally.
It’s a post about expectations and saying the wrong thing.
We all have our moments of ‘wrong responses’ to things, and have all been on the receiving end of them also. And when I say ‘wrong responses’, I really mean those ones where we have careless interactions that are almost completely thoughtless in their nature. Those exchanges that we have day-in and day-out with our loved ones that go by without incident 99.99% of the time. But that .01% can really hurt.
There is sometimes an insidious power in those ‘wrong responses’, both when some reaction you wanted wasn’t forthcoming or when something carelessly uttered hits home: you can’t go back and there is no gracious way to recover from it. You know what I mean? Ugh, I hate it.
When I’m the one who lets the wrong thing leave my mouth, I often realise it the second my own ears hear it, and then it’s like watching something in slow motion. It hangs in the air for an eternity even while I’m mentally trying to claw it back, and I can see the very moment it registers, the flicker in his eyes as the hurt hits him, and I want SO BADLY to turn back time, to wish it away, to have a do-over.
But once it’s out there, there is nothing I can say to ‘fix it': I can’t take it back, I can’t explain it away, I can’t insist it didn’t mean anything, I can apologise, but that doesn’t remove the damage done… it’s unfixable.
One time my boy did my washing for me. I had never asked him to: I came home and he was shyly proud of himself for taking the initiative to do it for me. Instead of being grateful for the sweetness and thanking him, I laughed and said something like, “Did you put my dress through the wash?!” I watched his face drop and I wanted to kick my own arse for saying the wrong thing. I didn’t care about the dress (it was fine), I thought it was kind of funny, but the words came out thoughtlessly, and it was like I’d smacked him in the face for doing something sweet for me. Ugh.
And the moment passed of course. As those moments do.
Sometimes they pass without comment even though you both know what happened. Sometimes you talk about it. But mostly they are small things that will go by and perhaps be forgotten.
But sometimes those small hurts, the paper cuts, are the ones that I am terrified he will remember until the end of time. That he will look back and think “Yeah, that… that’s what she was like…”
Me on twitter:
In my inbox shortly afterwards:
*laughs* So good!! LOVE!
Thank you, SD :D.
I was tiny, a child, maybe 3 or 4 years old. I don’t know.
His name was Johnny. He was not a child. He was a grown man, the son of one of my parents friends. I have no idea how old he was, but he wasn’t an ‘older boy’, he was a proper grown up.
He was a in the navy, I must have seen in him in his uniform at least once. I remember it clearly. He was tall and slim and ever so handsome in his whites (photos bear this out, I had good taste even then).
I have no recollection what was so great about him, but oh, I had such a crush on him.
At that age, I imagine a crush was all about trying to get his attention and approval. Probably being shy one minute and showing off the next, “Look, Johnny, LOOK AT ME!!”
I was insanely jealous when he would pay attention to my sister, but I knew, really, that I was the favourite (I have no idea if that was true, but I still thought it).
There is an old photo of us at a pool. He is holding me in the crook of his arm, my face level with his. We are both smiling at the camera, I have one hand wrapped around his neck, the other is up in the air in triumph. If I was going to caption it, I’d put “Fuck yeah!!” *laugh*.
It’s adorable, and I look pleased as punch. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I looked kind of smug.
It’s December. I have just returned from 5 days up in the mountains with family. I have just invited family to stay with me for 3 or 4 days. Then I will spend Christmas day with family.
I love them dearly, but this time of year sucks my very limited social energy up like a huge black hole of suckiness.
Thank you to those who popped a question on my Asks page: you are my saviours from paralysed silence!
Hullo! I just found your blog today, and holy shit am I loving this or what. (I spent half a day reading this blog!) Anyways….
I have this pseudo-brother whom I love so much, and a few years ago I tried to initiate him into D/s relationships by trying to make him my Dom (ehehe).
Long story short, it didn’t work out. We moved on.
Now he has a girlfriend, but lately he’s been showing interest in me being /his/ Domme. He likes it when I’m calling the shots for him, setting rules, being forceful to him… I’m versatile, so it kinda turns me on as well… But he already has a girlfriend!
How do I work this out? Can we have a D/s relationship without being in a relationship?
I’m really glad you’re enjoying my blog (your ‘holy shit’ made me laugh). And welcome!
Lots of people involved in BDSM (and many who aren’t) are non-monogamous, so yes, you can absolutely have a D/s relationship without being in a (romantic) relationship.
I’m fiercely monogamous, so I have no experience with any form of poly/open arrangement, but I know enough to know that it can be tricky to navigate, and the first rule is: make sure all three of you are clear on how it’s going to work. So start there with all three of you at the table, defining what this whole thing will look like, where the boundaries are, what is and isn’t acceptable.
The complexity of this kind of arrangement is obviously higher than if it were just the two of you. While you may be his dominant, he is, in essence, already ‘owned’ by his girlfriend and unless you agree otherwise, I imagine she will expect to be his priority. That means that your control will be guided by what she finds acceptable. If you are inexperienced with non-monogamy and have never had a D/s relationship, I think this is going to be a huge challenge (I could be wrong, but it requires skill and experience to manage both well).
Personally, if I was going to enter into something like this, I’d minimise the risks by *only* having control while we are together and not once he leaves my presence. You can always expand on this later if it’s all going great, but in the initial stages, it would avoid any conflicts with his relationship with his girlfriend and give you a chance to see how it feels for short periods of time.
Best of luck!
Can i read in spanish ??
I’m so confused by this question! Do you mean you want to read my blog in Spanish? Don’t most browsers have the ability to translate a web page? Use that!
Or are you asking about my book? If so, then no: it’s not available in Spanish. I am sadly mono-lingual (I don’t think my 1st grade Dutch counts). Lo siento por eso.
How do you do? My name is Kevin, I am a doctor and am also into healthcare business. I am a submissive male and I desire to serve a genuinely dominant lady. I like female supremacy, actually I believe in it.
I am sincere in my request and humbly request you to consider me. I promise to serve you well. I am honest and willing to prove who I am. Humbly waiting for your reply.
Do try and keep track of what you’re calling yourself: that rookie mistake was just embarrassing.
“That knot might not hold.”
Her eyes remained fixed on her fingers as they fought against the rope. “This one isn’t holding your weight, just your arms.”
He laughed, and she laughed too, caught in the moment. Her smile lingered as her eyes traveled the hills and valleys of his arms; she knew that they were capable of carrying her weight – of holding her close.
She reached for another length of rope as she pushed her fingers into his mouth, forcing it open.
“If you’d like to help, you can help by holding this.” She wrapped the rope several times around his head, and between his teeth.
“Now be a good boy and sit still while I finish my knot.”
I’m not normally a fan of unsolicited erotica landing in my inbox, and I’m not quite sure what inspired this, but it’s a lovely and sweet little vignette. I enjoyed it a lot. Thank you for it *smile*.
It reminds me of this image. Which I also like a lot. And which isn’t quite so sweet looking.
First of all, let me congratulate you on such a wonderful blog, so full of personality! It is such a pleasure to see a person who shows the world what makes her happy, in such a fearless and joyful way. It’s like discovering that fairy tales can happen…
I have one question. Do you think there are submissives who are somehow damaging themselves by being submissive — i.e., there is something ‘wrong’ about their submissiveness? Is it possible to be ‘too’ submissive, or to take subimssiveness ‘too’ seriously, so that it starts being a problem for the submissive’s own further growth and evolution in life?
The same question is also possible, mutatis mutandis, for dominants: are there dominants who are really harming themselves (or their submissives), as opposed to dominants who aren’t?
Thanks for any insights! In case you have already answered this question somewhere else in your blog, let me know which post it was.
Thank you so much for your lovely words about my blog: they are much appreciated.
You ask a fine question, well, two questions (for the record, I had to look up ‘mutatis mutandis’, and I do like it when I have to look things up *smile*).
I think that there is the potential in *most* things for people to damage themselves and I don’t think submission or dominance are exceptions to that. I’d hazard a guess that for those who are at risk of damaging themselves in some way (physically, emotionally, mentally), there is probably more potential for it when they are engaging in behaviours that *themselves* have some inherent risks.
I think for submissives particularly, if they don’t have healthy boundaries and a strong sense of themselves, submission can offer a myriad of ways to ‘be damaged’ (either to find ways to damage themselves or be the victim of those seeking to damage). They may accept (or even seek out) poor treatment, push themselves too far, absolve themselves of responsibility, subsume themselves into another, take physical risks. All those things that they might also encounter in the vanilla world can be more easily disguised under the umbrella of ‘submission’ and can be accepted and even encouraged because it’s not as easily recognisable when something tips over into ‘harmful’ in a D/s context. So unhealthy and damaging behaviours and situations may be more easily found and entered into compared with vanilla environments, where they might be called out more quickly as problems.
I think the same of dominants, but the risks are somewhat lesser. I think BDSM can hide a myriad of harmful behaviours, but in dominants, they are probably more likely to be things that harm others; narcissism, sociopathy, abusive behaviours etc.
My readers might have different views.
Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…
From Domme Chronicles: Erotic tales of love, passion, & domination
Full collection, all volumes available here.
A few emails exchanged with a Texan boy: he’s smart, fun, there is some light flirtation. He emails a throw-away line after making appreciative compliments about one of my recordings:
“If I had a clip of myself I’d send it to you.”
I tease him back.
“So is it your contention that you have no possible way to record an audio clip? Is that what you are saying?
Or are you saying ‘If I conveniently had one laying around I’d send it, but actually taking 10 minutes to do one is beyond my level of interest’?
Or did you mean ‘I’ll throw a remark out there that sounds kind of sweet, but doesn’t involve any actual effort’?”
He thought it was funny (I do love it when people ‘get me’), and then kindly offered to actually record something for me, and asked what I would prefer.
Now you all know my penchant for audio porn, so you may be surprised to learn that I rarely ask strangers one-on-one to do that for me. It’s *too* personal. But of course I also never say no when an appealing man wants to do something for me. I suggested a favourite poem or extract from a story: something he enjoys.
Then he sent me two audio clips. In one, he is just talking to me so that I can hear his accent, in the other he reads a bit of verse from a song he relates to.
And Oh. My. God.
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
Do you know what I mean? Yes, that.
This deep resonance, a hint of adorable self consciousness, a slight Texan drawl (“forty-fahv”), a beautiful laugh.
I was absolutely and ridiculously delighted by it, which was unexpected and sweet.
It wasn’t just ‘oh my, what a voice’ (though there was that), and it wasn’t just the fact that he offered, asked what I would like, and delivered (which sounds like such a small thing really, but isn’t): it’s that that kind of relatively simple exchange with someone I find interesting feels intimate to me, even though I hardly know him, and I enjoy that a lot.
Also guh: Sex voice!