Alexandra is a young dominant from Greece who sent me this very sweet story of meeting and exploring BDSM with her boyfriend. I love that she has found someone she trusts to explore this with.
It makes me smile: it’s truly lovely.
I’ll admit that I, too, am one of those little girls who read Fifty Shades of Grey and suddenly got into BDSM and all that. But actually after reading this book I started looking for sites about BDSM and found out it’s nothing like the movies or books or even porn. It’s so much better because it’s real!
Anyway last summer I moved town. I went at a small rock concert at a local cafe with a guy my age I just met and we’re friends now. There I met John, a nice boy, kinda shy but witty. Even though he didn’t talk much he knew the right things to say at the right time. We started to flirt somehow and I was very enthusiastic cause it was my first time. We continued hanging out for days, weeks and when schools started (we go to the same school yay!).
Not officially in a relationship because we were both shy to do the first move I guess. After some months we discovered that we were both interested in BDSM, he a submissive and I was a Dominant. After that it was so easier to start dating.
We take it slow and we come up with something new every time. He’s actually never seen me fully naked but I’ve seen him. All we do for now is light bondage and spanking and he calls me Mistress or Goddess when we’re alone. No one knows about this.
I really love everything about him, the way he moves and talks, that he trusts me with his insecurities and he knows mine and has won my trust, that he respects me, his lack of ego and tolerance of mine, his hesitation and shyness, anything!
And it really works although it’s only been half a year, but it’s because we’re not in a hurry and we wait until we’re both ready.
I hope I didn’t bore you. Also please forgive some mistakes :)
Have a great day <3
This post is part of an ongoing project to share happy, positive femdom relationship stories. If you have a story and are willing to share it, please email it to me (ferns AT domme-chronicles DOT com).
** Spoilers for Mad Max: Fury Road **
I’m not a Mad Max fan. The main reason I wanted to see Fury Road was because of the amusing outrage of MRAs (Men’s Rights Activists). Any movie that outrages some dudes for being ‘feminist propoganda’ has to be worth seeing, right?
I’m not going to review the movie (loved it!) or talk about whether it’s feminist or not (strong female characters, aw yeah!). What I want to talk about is how moments in it reflect exactly what I want to see in stories showing female dominance. I’m not pretending it’s a femdom movie, but fuck if there aren’t some broad themes and, in particular, some moments out of which someone could develop an entire F/m story.
In this movie there are moments where Max (Tom Hardy) follows simply because Furiosa (Charlize Theron) leads, and neither of them question it or make a big deal of it. It’s those moments that most beautifully illustrate the nature of their relationship and fire my imagination.
There’s a scene where they are watching a pursuing truck approaching in the dark. They have only a few bullets left for their scope-rifle. Furiosa watches Max as he kneels by their ‘war rig’ and takes 2 shots. He misses both times. She goes over and kneels behind him. He glances over his shoulder. Neither of them say anything. He just passes the gun behind him to give it to her. She takes it, rests it on his shoulder.
“Don’t move,” she says*.
She takes the shot. Hits the vehicle.
Why do I love that so much?
Because they both know she’s better than him. He thinks he can do it, he gives it his best shot, but when push comes to shove, he recognises that she’s better than him and he doesn’t question it. She doesn’t have to shout about it or say anything. They both just know and they behave accordingly.
It fits with what I said recently to a writerly friend about how I want to see a depiction of a femdom relationship: they are both badasses, she’s just MORE of one. Those are the kinds of interactions that show that. Max doesn’t have to diminish himself or somehow be ‘less than’ to recognise it. Nor does he have some huge struggle with it (‘waaah, she’s better than me… MY MANHOOD IS SHRINKING’ *commence alpha chest beating waves of insecurity*).
The other (possibly more pivotal, but not as powerfully romantic (yes, I called it romantic!)) moment is when she stops their truck in a valley and says “I need you” to Max. She tells him she needs him to drive, shows him the kill switch for the engine, and gives him the instruction to go when she says go, then she steps out of the vehicle to deal with a motorcycle gang. And he just does what she says and neither of them question whether he will or not: He will.
And I absolutely ADORE that I see those moments in this movie. Love and adore it.
And the sad thing is that I love and adore it so much because we NEVER see this kind of thing portrayed anywhere ever.
And Theron: man, she’s so fucking good.
And while she is (of course) heart-stoppingly beautiful, that’s not at all the POINT (no tits, no arse, no coy sex appeal, no revealing outfits, and she has a physical disability: I could faint from pleasure), so when I say to my writerly friend “don’t talk to me about how flawlessly beautiful the femdom character is and don’t make THAT where her power comes from”, THAT’S what I mean. If Furiosa were a femdom character in a book she’d have that crew cut, that mechanical arm, that practical outfit, the warrior grease on her face, she’s strong, she’s determined, she sweats, she gets dirty, she’s smart, she’s fearless, she kicks arse, and she’s taking no shit, and THAT would be why some amazing man would kneel for her.
Also, in case you are interested in this kind of thing, Max gets captured, tied up, force-tattooed, caged, put in an iron mask, and strapped to the front of a war boy’s souped-up car as an object to be used.
* Edited to add: Someone just informed me that she doesn’t say ‘Don’t move’, she says ‘Don’t breathe’. Oh. My. God. LOVE. *swoon*
The intimacy of tenderness, the aggressive exploration, the vulnerability of violence.
Doesn’t seem like too much to ask, does it?
I wonder if my sex life would have been (be) radically different if I felt safe trying to get little snippets of what I want from casual partners, men I don’t know.
The safety aspect I mean here is not just about potential violence or sexual assault (though those are top-of-mind, of course), but about being able to have casual encounters play out in a way that works for me. Expecting that of a stranger is a big call, especially when it’s unconventional. Expecting him not to question it or angle for more in the moment is also a big call.
I’ve said many times that I’m not interested in casual encounters, either for sex or for BDSM. And a big part of that is because it leaves me cold and empty and sad in the aftermath. But another part of it is that I can’t trust casual partners to let me run things the way I want, so it feels like I’d be inviting a whole bunch of ‘I can’t be fucked with this’ into my life if I went down that road.
Maybe it was partly because it was completely outside of the normal paradigm (it wasn’t sex, it wasn’t BDSM, it was ‘other’).
I got to choose exactly what I wanted the encounter to look like, and he let me have my way without any attempt to influence how it would go either before or during. That’s incredibly rare.
It was, by all measures, an incredibly risky thing to do, for both of us. I went to a stranger’s house at night, never having met him. He left his house unlocked so I could get in, and waited, vulnerable, in his bed.
So on pretty much every level, I got lucky with him.
If I could feel safe to have those kinds of casual experiences where I got to strictly set the rules of ‘how it would go’, I’m pretty sure I would do it.
“Hello, I think you’re really pretty. How does this weird not-sex not-BDSM casual encounter sound to you?”
I think most quality men with a lick of sense would run a mile from an offer like that from some woman they don’t know (regardless of the claims of the masses), and rightly so. The one other time I tried this ‘here’s what I want’ approach where I wanted to get a(n attractive, appealing) man in a room for a simple flogging, it was a bust.
Even if I remove the spectre of physical safety concerns on both sides, MOST men will want to negotiate for what *they* want (again, rightly so) and will not just say ‘sure, that weird completely one-sided scenario sounds good’, so I’ll end up with some (perfectly reasonable) compromise that doesn’t at all look like anything I’m interested in.
And when I think about it like that and consider the other side, I’m actually asking for a big chunk of trust and submission from someone who I don’t even know. Hmmm.
I don’t know how I went from ‘I’d do casual if I felt safe’ to ‘huh, I guess that’s pretty unreasonable’, but I’m leaving it. Welcome to the inside of my head.
Here are the results of our bicep guessing game.
- Only one person publicly got them all 100% right in the comments (yay you, Berkson)!
Well, technically, Thumper also got 100% right in the comments, but I know that he *actually* only got 7 right (because he said so). I assume he did the quiz, then accidentally transcribed the correct ANSWERS shown at the end into his comment.
- Only one (Anonymous) person who did the quiz got them 100% right. I can’t parse out any more detailed stats (like ‘how many guessed what’ from the quiz-doers. Boo!).
Results (thank you to the fabulous friend who wrote a little script to pull out these numbers so I didn’t have to!):
- berkson – with 12 correct matches (100% right!).
- Violenttadpole – with 10 correct matches.
- thumper – with 7 correct matches.
- Steel Snaked Charmer – with 6 correct matches.
- Alexa – with 6 correct matches.
- Canine Thing That the ‘Mericans Call Ham – with 6 correct matches.
- Steeled Snake – with 4 correct matches.
- Tom Allen – with 2 correct matches.
- SGCFit – with 2 correct matches.
And here is ‘whose bicep was guessed correctly’ from the public guesses:
- SGCfit – identified correctly by 8 others.
- Andy – identified correctly by 6 others.
- Steeled Snake – identified correctly by 6 others.
- Dual Drew – identified correctly by 6 others.
- Coffee Cat – identified correctly by 6 others.
- Tom Allen – identified correctly by 5 others.
- Steel Charmer – identified correctly by 5 others.
- Alexa Brune – identified correctly by 5 others.
- Ferns – identified correctly by 4 others.
- Violenttadpole – identified correctly by 4 others.
- thumper – identified correctly by 3 others.
- Berkson – identified correctly by 3 others.
I’m really surprised more people didn’t identify mine given I ego-posted various versions of my bicep all over the place. For the record, my First (who saw me sort-of work out a bit in person for real) didn’t guess mine correctly either.
And here we are all reunited with our respective biceps.
Fun *smile*! Thanks to those who joined in.
Not on me, though that would be handy because I’m a delicate flower and always have bruises of some sort. You know the kind: those ones that appear in odd places and you have no idea how they got there. The ones where you run into something and think ‘Wow, that’s gonna bruise later’, but later when you find it, you have no recollection of what you did to deserve it.
Not that kind.
I like the ones that I leave on him.
The marks of time spent trying to get through his skin so I can touch him from the inside.
The ones that form under welts or redness or maybe they bloom almost immediately rushing blood to the surface in protest.
The ones that stay behind when his body recoils, but his mind is floating and he doesn’t even feel it any more.
The ones that say ‘too much’ but they are never enough. For either of us.
The ones that I know you will admire later, twisting in a mirror to glory in the memory of how they got there.
The ones that you will secretly press with fingertips amidst innocents and wince and smile and then press a little harder.
The ones that rainbow from dark purple to blue to green to yellow until, sadly, they become skin coloured again.
The ones that feel like loss when they leave your body.
I really like them a lot.